Where Are All the Women on This Alt-Right, Anti-Choice, Toxic Masculinity Dating App?

“The first reviews of the recently launched, self-branded ‘conservative dating app,’ The Right Stuff are in… Some common reviewer complaints include that the app is short on women… and that answering a profile prompt about January 6 led to contact from law enforcement.” — Gizmodo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 hours ago

Modes of Transportation I Trust More Than Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

The Hindenburg Sliding down the stairs in a laundry basket Sharing an elevator with four teens who keep jumping up and down to scare me Air Force One (the one that got hijacked, from the movie) A Volkswagen Beetle packed way over the fifteen-clown capacity Being launched out of a … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 hours ago

Brach’s Tailgate Candy Corn Mix

When Brach’s released their Turkey Dinner Candy Corn Mix in 2021, with flavors like green bean, stuffing, and roasted turkey, I hoped it would be Brach’s only foray into (purposely) bad candy. Regular candy corn is already revolting enough without artificial meat flavoring. But t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 hours ago

Innovative Ways the Healthcare Industry Keeps You Healthy

Art by Sofia Warren - - -People say the American healthcare industry doesn’t do much for you. It overcharges for insurance you can barely use, ratchets up the price of prescription drugs, and offers no preventative care. But those people are wrong. There are a number of ways the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

A Conversation Between Two People on Yom Kippur Who Definitely Fasted

A: Whew, it’s been a long Day of Atonement. I’m glad we can finally gather back inside with our fellow congregants to eat soon. B: Me too. A: Did you fast? B: I did fast. A: I fasted as well. I may have had some water, but it was just to brush my teeth—dental hygienist’s orders. … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

Timeline for Our Town’s Plan to Install a Single Traffic Light

Day 1: Announce our town’s straightforward plan to install a single traffic light to make a downtown intersection safer. We don’t expect any pushback to this minor mundane project. Day 1 (fifteen minutes later): Reassure the hundreds of calls, emails, and angry comments on unrela … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

What We Can and Can’t Confirm About Your Upcoming Flight

Thank you for booking with our esteemed airline. We can confirm that you purchased a flight ticket to Cleveland on December 21. But that’s more or less it. We can’t confirm that we have an aircraft available to fly the route, so that means we can’t confirm the departure time of 7 … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

Alternatives to Asking Your Teacher Friends “How’s School Going?”

Has a student called you “Mom” yet? Did any ask whether you were married? Were you aware that you were assigned the role of weight room supervisor, and are you pleased that a desk was placed next to the bench press so that you could do your grading? Did you know you had a pink Po … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

Cosette Receives a Letter from Her HOA Regarding Her Castle on a Cloud

Dear Cosette, This letter is to inform you that your cloud castle is in gross violation of the rules of this Homeowners’ Association (HOA). Please note the following infractions: There is a castle on a cloud. Frankly, we do not understand what is holding it up. The people of this … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Spotted Lanternflies or the Misguided Dreams of My Youth?

1. At first, they seem kind of magical. 2. It never occurred to me that they could do so much damage. 3. They are more visible at dusk. 4. They are invasive. 5. They are a nuisance and affect the quality of life of everyone they come in contact with. 6. They are biblical in scope … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Template for White People Outraged Over Lizzo Playing James Madison’s Flute

“Pop star Lizzo this week got the opportunity to play a 200-year-old crystal flute that was once owned by President James Madison—and some conservatives are absolutely furious about it.” — Raw Story, 9/28/22 - - -I can’t believe they let Lizzo [play a flute owned by James Madison … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

I’m Not Like Other Fascists

“Those who brand the Brothers of Italy as fascists miss the point. Meloni’s party is not so much the heir to Benito Mussolini’s fascist movement as the first European copycat of the US Republican party.” — The Guardian, 9/28/22 - - -I feel like I can be real with you, so for the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

It Isn’t Misinformation If It’s Phrased as a Series of Completely Unhinged Rhetorical Questions

“Is Pennsylvania Democrat Fetterman’s tattoo ‘I will make you hurt’ based on his ties to the crips gang as reported by the Free Beacon or a reference to the Nine Inch Nails heroin song ‘Hurt.’ Fetterman won’t answer questions.” — Newt Gingrich, Twitter, 9/26/22 - - -I’m a Republi … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

Let Guided by Voices Title Your Masters Thesis

Glad Girls: Heteronormativity and Its Relation to Distaff Serotonin Levels My Valuable Hunting Knife: Monetization / Valorization of Weaponry as Related to Prevalent Models of Self-Esteem Expression Hardcore UFOs: Mosh Culture, Stagediving, and Attendant Prevalence of Traumatic B … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

Lyfjaberg Gets Taken by Eminent Domain

Art by Matt Smith - - -In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio-text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancien … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

The White House’s Plan to Cancel Student Loan Debt Will Cost—Who Cares? Money Is Made Up and We Spend Twice That Much on the Military Every Year

“The White House’s plan to cancel student loan debt for tens of millions of American borrowers will cost roughly $400 billion over 10 years.” — The Washington Post - - -According to a new estimate released by Congress, the White House’s plan to cancel student loan debt for tens o … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

McSweeney’s Books: “Boy in Blue”: An Excerpt from Courtney Zoffness’s Spilt Milk

- - -Spilt Milk, award-winning writer Courtney Zoffness’s widely acclaimed essay collection on motherhood, culpability, pain, faith, and so much more, is now available in paperback. Today, we’re proud to offer an excerpt from this amazing book. - - -Boy in Blue Most mornings, my … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

Ineffective Emotional Monologues Deleted from Three Movies

1. “How did I survive once they were gone? Are you seriously asking me that? Let me put it this way: When I was little, and I wondered how I was going to make it without anyone looking after me, without anyone on my side, nobody in the whole mixed-up, unfair, cruel, and impartial … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

I’m Michelangelo, and Everyone on this Ceiling Is as Naked and Jacked as God Intended

I hear you down there, Mr. Snarky-Pope, and all your red-robed Snarkettes, too. The acoustics in this place are incredible, so don’t think your tittering whisper-fest isn’t reaching me up here on this scaffold—130 feet closer to Heaven than you are, I might add. Let me set the re … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

The Trauma Plot Quarterly Is Now Open for Submissions

Flannery O’Connor once said, “Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.” We founded this journal on the belief that every person has a messed-up past worth rehashing. We are not looking for rhythmic prose, sentence- … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

Famous Chess Matches, If Some of the Players Were Cheating Using Vibrating Anal Beads, a Thing That Is Allegedly Happening in the Chess World and Is Not Something Random That I Made Up

“An American teenager’s victory against the world champion has sent chess into an uproar… Allegations of cheating—including wild speculation involving vibrating anal beads—have rocked chess to its core.” – The Guardian - - -The Queen’s Gambit Beth Harmon walks into a chess tourna … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

On the Eighth Day, Leon Leonwood Bean Said, “Let There Be Flannel Shirts”

On the eighth day, after God had seen all that he had created and deemed it all very good and well with no notes at all, he was surprised to see something that unnerved him: a naked man in a canoe, shouting at the top of his lungs while paddling down the Penobscot River in Maine. … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Welcome to Our Cul-De-Sac

This cul-de-sac has heart. It has charm. It has four men named Ashley. This cul-de-sac has a huge crocodile problem. We’re so happy to have you. This cul-de-sac used to have a Free Little Library, but the crocodiles took the books. They used the books to gain human intelligence a … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

An Open Letter to Bluey’s Parents: Please Stop

Mum. Dad. Let me begin by saying I’m a fan. You are truly two of the finest method actors of your dog generation. Your commitment to playing Ground Is Lava? Divine. Your work in “Dance Mode”? Awe-inspiring. Your miming of heavy objects in “Featherwand”? Could bring Daniel Day-Lew … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

Should I Bring Anything to the Dinner Tonight or Just My Crippling Anxiety?

Can’t wait to see everyone tonight! Can I bring anything to contribute, or just loads of fear and anxiety? I’m already pretty worried about what I’ll wear, and it’s only going to get worse from here. Do you mind telling me ahead of time if we can leave our shoes on or if we’ll ne … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

A Room of One’s Own, Updated

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction. And perhaps, a little Starbucks coffee drink, to get the gears turning. Something with caffeine, to make sure she’s firing on all cylinders. But not too much caffeine because when she has more than two shot … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

If the Forbidden Fruit Were a Red Delicious Apple

SERPENT: Psst. Hey, Eve. I dare you to eat that dark red apple over there. EVE: Which apple? SERPENT: That gleaming one, on the tree God said not to go near. It’s called a Red Delicious. EVE: No thanks. There’s so much fruit around here already. I mean, we live in a garden. Have … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

The Middle School Teacher’s Lounge: A Restaurant Review

For diners who wistfully recall the teacher’s lounge at long-lost John C. Calhoun Junior High, the latest offering from renowned lounger Superintendent Sheldon Kornfahrt is sure to bring back fond memories. Drawing on diverse culinary traditions, including salad-left-over-from-la … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Are You Seeing Another Farmers’ Market Vendor?

Hey, Denise! Long time no see, stranger. You were walking so fast by my tent I almost thought you were trying to avoid me, ha ha! So how have you been? Did you see this beautiful kale we have today? I thought of you when I was harvesting it before dawn this morning. I know you li … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Simon Armitage

Simon Armitage has two new books out, neither of which, sadly, is a new collection of his own radiantly melancholy poems. On the other hand, both his translation of The Owl and the Nightingale and A Vertical Art add greatly to our feeling for his skill as a craftsman as well as t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

Our Bar’s Nonalcoholic Drink Options

Tap water. Sparkling water (tap water that came out of a broken faucet; it’s got some bubbles). A cranberry, seltzer, and lime that will definitely be missing one of those things. A nonalcoholic version of a popular beer our bartender will mishear so you can be too anxious to cor … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

We Are a Picturesque Small Town and We Refuse to Be the Setting for Your Romantic Comedy

As of this date, the citizens of Spirit Falls approve the following resolutions: 1. Any ex-lovers of residents of Spirit Falls must file, in writing, their intent to enter city limits ninety days before an intended visit. The paperwork must include a notarized affidavit of intent … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

Title to a Modern Art Exhibit or Text from One of My Parents Where the History of Autocorrection Is Unclear?

1. the cords, vinegar, or rest of phone bill 2. in the snow. Shower. Leaving now. 3. white bag with homemade bread 4. shredded moth 5. no money in the wool 6. Alivia is different 7. I don’t know why dad sent that neither does he 8. what kind of light 9. having a bad barb week. Ba … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

The Secret to Great Writing Is Taking Dozens of Showers a Day

As the critically acclaimed author of many award-winning novels, I’m often asked how I’m able to be so successful and prolific. The answer is quite simple: I have all my best ideas in the shower, and I shower dozens of times a day. I sit down at my desk first thing in the morning … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 22 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Richard Zenith

Cantigas are poems sung by Portuguese and Galician troubadours. They are the local expression of that great flourishing of European medieval poetry that began in the courts of southern France, ramifying outward to Italy and Germany and the Iberian peninsula, and which was crushed … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 22 days ago

We’re Your Favorite Band from High School and This Is Our Final Goodbye Tour—for Real This Time

It’s us, your favorite band from high school. We know it’s been a while, but we are back. Again. And we’d like to invite you to the exclusive pre-sale event for our Final Goodbye Tour. The password is FINALFORREALTHISTIME. Tickets are $500 for nosebleeds, floor seats start at $1, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 22 days ago

Becoming a New Dad in Middle Age: As Told by the Sheriff from No Country For Old Men

Became a new daddy when I was fifty-two. A hard thing to believe. ’Course I already was a new daddy way back before, back in the aughts. Was a simpler thing then. You know they got a little gadget nowadays called a Snot Sucker? Just what it sounds like. You hook up a little tube … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 23 days ago

A Donation in Your Name

Happy birthday! As we wish you another year of joy and prosperity, we also acknowledge that many in the world are less fortunate. So, in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in your name to several worthy causes. We donated in your name to a charity that gives laptops to enda … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 23 days ago

Tyr Enters a Mosh Pit

Art by Matt Smith - - -In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio-text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancien … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 23 days ago

I Support Unions, but They’re Just Not the Right Fit for the Company I Happen to Own

Friends, Our company’s leadership was recently notified by the National Labor Relations Board that several of our stores have filed for union elections. Of course, one of our core values is making sure every voice at this company is heard. And we intend to live up to that philoso … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 24 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Arda Collins

It’s hard for me to imagine an art that’s not fundamentally intuitive, but some work foregrounds that aspect more than others. It’s been thirteen years since Arda Collins won the Yale Series of Younger Poets with It Is Daylight, a book as strange and spare as it was lush and vivi … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 24 days ago

FAQ about the Monarch’s Passing

Q: How many important issues in the news will be sidelined by vanity coverage of the Queen’s passing? A: All of them. Thanks for your patience. Q: How much will all this cost British taxpayers? A: More than you could possibly imagine. There’s even a special train. Q: Can you revi … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 24 days ago

It’s Never Too Late to Keep the Body You Have Right Now

Women of a Certain Age, I’ve got some big news: it’s never too late to keep the body you have right now. With my easy step-by-step SAME OLD YOU program, you can: Fit into the clothes you’ve fit into every day for the last several years Learn to outsmart social media algorithms th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 27 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Adrian Matejka

Adrian Matejka’s most recent book is Somebody Else Sold the World. It stands out, breaks new ground for the writer, but at the same time is of a piece with the work of the poet who wrote Mixology. That was his second collection, and in many ways that—mixology—has always been his … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 27 days ago

An Open Letter to the State Board of Education Regarding Another English Exam Full of White Authors

Dear State Board of Education (Can I call you “Eddie”?), As we start a new school year, I just want to commend you for another successful state English exam. Every year I wonder: Will they do it again? Will they find the whitest palette of excerpts from novels, essays, and articl … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 27 days ago

Reminder from Your Child’s School: Tomorrow Is a Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day

Dear parents — This is just a reminder that tomorrow is another Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day, which means your child will be let out of school even earlier than usual. To be clear, the Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day is different—shorter—than the standa … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 28 days ago

My Remote Job Gives Me the Freedom to Displace People All Over the World

When my digital marketing job went remote in March of 2020, I was devastated. I thought working from a computer meant being cramped in my apartment, cut off from the world, but that couldn’t be more wrong. Remote work has become the opportunity of a lifetime for a natural explore … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 28 days ago

A Non-Disclosure Agreement Between Me, a Parent/Content Creator, and You, My Toddler/Content

This deal memo and non-disclosure agreement is entered between Me, “Mom,” the operator of the social media account @AllMyLittles, and Maxlynn, hereafter referred to as “Toddler,” who, along with her older siblings, is the primary focus of the account. This agreement applies retro … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 29 days ago