How do I live longer? Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a batt … | Continue reading
“Federal and local officials dispute the circumstances that led an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer to fatally shoot a 37-year-old woman in Minneapolis on Wednesday” — NPR You think you’re watching a woman being shot in the face by an ICE agent, but what you’re really … | Continue reading
Power on your PCs, my gentle users, because I just found a fresh Excel file to overcomplicate. Hoo boy, I can’t wait to rework every cell of “Company Staffing.xlsx.” Most peons at this company think a spreadsheet is just a tool to create a budget. Not me. Not us. You see, there’s … | Continue reading
“We need to prepare for the possibility that the U.S. uses military coercion against Canada.” — Headline from op-ed in The Globe and Mail. - - -Jamming vital infrastructure with Anne of Green Gables souvenirs Giving birth to future resistance fighters without taking on crippling … | Continue reading
V1: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box. V2: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box before breakfast. V3: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when company is over. V4: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when Grandma, who doesn’t like dogs, is over. V5: I … | Continue reading
“Shares in the world’s leading defense contractor, Lockheed Martin, rose 3.5 percent on the opening of trading as the market rushed to buy into defense stocks in the wake of recent events in Venezuela.” — The Motley Fool - - -Bro, bro, bo, bro, BRO—we are SO FUCKING BACK. We admi … | Continue reading
In the early hours of January 3, 2026, President Trump ordered U.S. armed forces to conduct a targeted military operation in Venezuela that resulted in the detention and extradition of its leader, Nicolás Maduro. This followed years of escalating concern over Venezuela’s role in … | Continue reading
A comprehensive new survey has concluded that the ideal moment for you to have gotten your life together was roughly five years ago. Not now, not next year, not after one more reset or reinvention, but a very specific window in the past when you were already tired but still had “ … | Continue reading
Note: All of Jeanine Pirro’s dialogue below is taken from statements she has made on the record and accurately reflects the spirit in which they were delivered. - - -MODERATOR: It’s the anniversary of the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol, and although five years have passed, … | Continue reading
Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. As an avid reader of the New York Post, the New York Post’s X feed, and transcripts of several-minute-long voice memos from my relatives who have never lived in New York and will never live in New Y … | Continue reading
1. Johnson’s Thrush 2. Brown Jumping Quaff 3. Pandora’s Baffle 4. Yellow-Eared Tiegslider 5. Jaundiced Terpsichore 6. Pink-Bellied Sneech Destroyer 7. Very Normal Bird #9 8. Grouch-Throated Arabesque 9. McQueeqy-McSqueeg 10. Brown Jumping Quaff Goes to London 11. Pink-Footed Trum … | Continue reading
As you’ve probably heard, a corrupt authoritarian president has been destroying his country for over a decade—and as of this weekend, he decided to invade Venezuela. But just who is this political criminal? If you’re just catching up, here’s what you should know: He’s a despotic … | Continue reading
- - -We’re counting down our most-read pieces of 2025. This list will be updated daily until we reach #1 on December 31. Thanks to all our contributors, readers, and supporters this year! - - -25. I’m a German Citizen in 1933, and Is It Just Me or Is It Really Hard to Get Any Wor … | Continue reading
It’s that magical time of year again. Candles and poinsettias decorate every surface, small children are dressed as sheep, angels are telling people to “Fear not.” So, really, with Christmas just hours away, what do any of us have to fear? Me, bitch. I’m the high A flat at the en … | Continue reading
First, let’s get one thing clear, Santa: I ain’t a scab. The collective bargaining agreement clearly mandates the sleigh be led by a union-approved eight-reindeer team. Your little “won’t you guide my sleigh tonight” routine is a bald attempt to dilute the team’s negotiating powe … | Continue reading
7:00-8:30 A.M. Wake up whenever I want—no kids! 9 A.M. Open library, feeling refreshed and ready for the day. 10:30 A.M. Send another overdue notice to the impish man who checked out Tom Sawyer months ago and listed last known address as “Heaven.” Men like this are why I’m a sing … | Continue reading
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” Forget the naughty-and-nice list; we need a third list for morons. What the hell are you going to do with a hippopotamus? You do not have the resources or space to effectively care for a wild animal in your residential home, especially one wi … | Continue reading
A great star shines over a stable in Bethlehem. The Three Kings arrive and kneel before the Holy Family. BALTHAZAR: We come bearing gifts for the newborn king, O Holy Ones. MARY: Just put them on the table. We’re doing a white elephant thing this year. MELCHIOR: White elephant?! … | Continue reading
Dear Valued Child, This letter was slipped into your stocking to inform you that we recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as well … | Continue reading
For one magical night a year, Santa and his friends bring holiday cheer to millions of people around the world. For the rest of the 364 nights? They’re just like us: hustling to get by in an ever-shrinking global economy. Rudolph hasn’t had time for any reindeer games lately, th … | Continue reading
“Why, for fifty-three years, I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?” — Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas - - -1. He’s roughly fifty-three years old, give or take. 2. Unlike the music from his day, he thinks everything the youth are liste … | Continue reading
FEATURES: - Ossuary jars - Anti-revolutionary painting - Toxic dust - Solastalgia - - -It was a cold, dry night in April, and a crowd had gathered in the center of Nukus, the capital of the Central Asian Republic of Karakalpakstan, to squint through a skein of toxic dust into the … | Continue reading
Overall, you’ve got a strong concept: a log burning in a fireplace, on a loop for five hours. But we have a few notes. Can the log be more aspirational? Focus-group it to see if kids aged six to eleven think fire is too urban. The log seems passive. Provide more backstory. Can t … | Continue reading
“President Donald Trump on Wednesday assailed his White House predecessors for not pushing back against Venezuela earlier and stated that his intention is ‘getting land, oil rights, whatever we had’ returned by the government in Caracas.” — PBS - - -I’m absolutely disgusted by Pr … | Continue reading
Kate McCallister realizes that her son Kevin didn’t make it with them to the airport on their way to Paris for the holidays. She frantically pulls out her phone and calls him up. KEVIN: Hello? MOM: Kevin! KEVIN: Mom? MOM: I’m so sorry you’re home alone! Your sister accidentally t … | Continue reading
EXT. — THE VASTNESS OF SPACE A star, representing the angel ALBERT, shoots across the sky. It stops at a distant GALAXY. As the heavenly bodies talk, their lights blink. ALBERT You sent for me, sir? GALAXY Yes, Albert. Tonight’s going to be the crucial night for "Young Punk at Gr … | Continue reading
Mateo, a child, sits at a debate table opposite an empty chair. He’s surrounded by twenty Santa Claus Deniers, each holding a red flag. MATEO: My name is Mateo, I’m six years old, and Santa Claus is real. The sound of a countdown can be heard, “3…2…1… ding.” Several Santa Deniers … | Continue reading
I am somewhat of a hot chocolate maven. I normally consume this winter-wonderful drink through powdered packages and hot water, and I know my way around the myriad packages in my local grocery aisle. You could say I am a bona fide Swiss Mistress. As I was scrolling through the in … | Continue reading
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure … | Continue reading
RED FLAG: He sometimes has to work late and Q4 is his busy season. GREEN FLAG: His full-time job is directing the local middle school Christmas pageant, which takes up only two hours every Tuesday, November to mid-December. - - -RED FLAG: He wears bespoke suits and flashy Patek P … | Continue reading
Dancing was the first step to falling in love, and falling in love was the first step to lying down in tandem. Not soon after Elizabeth had persuaded Mr. Darcy to join her in a Scotch reel, were they flushed from exertion; their bodies vexed with desire. Elizabeth had wanted noth … | Continue reading
Dancing was the first step to falling in love, and falling in love was the first step to lying down in tandem. Not soon after Elizabeth had persuaded Mr. Darcy to join her in a Scotch reel, were they flushed from exertion; their bodies vexed with desire. Elizabeth had wanted noth … | Continue reading
You’ve probably heard about the first time this happened to me. You know: guy goes to sleep, wakes up as a giant bug, freaks out his family, worries about losing his job, and his dad throws an apple at him. It’s a tale as old as time. And, I’m not going to lie, it was a huge pain … | Continue reading
Nun Player and their primary partner date solo, but tell each other everything. Gimmel Player and their primary partner date together, but only one is happy about the arrangement. Hey Player and their primary partner date solo. No one’s thrilled about it, but it’s the only way th … | Continue reading
Sixty years ago, A Charlie Brown Christmas made its debut on CBS. Today, as part of CBS’s new initiative to modernize content, CBS Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss updates this Christmas classic. - - - Charlie Brown and Linus lean on a brick wall. Snowflakes fall around them. CHARLIE B … | Continue reading
Still Life with Plaster Head, 1947 by Vanessa Bell. Oil on board. 53.5 44.5 cm. Estate of Vanessa Bell. All rights reserved, DACS 2025. - - -The artist, long dismissed for her domestic interpretation of modernism, is finally getting her due. But can her queer arcadia be replica … | Continue reading
Honestly, I don’t know to whom this letter is directed. God? Harvard? (I’m taking a deep, strengthening breath here) Will Hunting himself? My employer-provided therapist told me to do this, and the university committee says to do whatever she says. For many years now, I have take … | Continue reading
“Secretary of State Marco Rubio called the Biden-era move to [Calibri] ‘wasteful,’ casting the return to Times New Roman as part of a push to stamp out diversity efforts.” — New York Times - - -I used to be the default. The king. Then things changed. So now it’s time to do what e … | Continue reading
Several women share bottomless mimosas somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. MARY 1: I slammed the screen door, and the first thing he said was he hated being alone, and we weren’t that young anymore. I said, “Get off my porch.” Then he said, “You ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’re all … | Continue reading
As your Santa, it is my right to run the North Pole exactly how I want to, and I have to say, it’s about time we made some changes to this dump. And believe me, there is no bigger problem than a lack of space to throw holiday ragers. Therefore, I am exercising my full authority t … | Continue reading
A sad but true story. - - -Ms. Johnson’s fiancé left her at the altar. According to legend, that’s why she was so mean. I never got it. As a shy child, nobody realized I needed glasses until 5th grade. Most teachers, including Ms. Johnson, thought I was an idiot. I once gave a … | Continue reading
“MAHA for airports: Trump officials pitch mini-gyms, more play areas.” —Washington Post - - -Hello, travelers. I’m the airport’s shiny new pull-up bar, and I’m ushering in a bold era of aviation wellness absolutely no one asked for. As my boys, Transportation Secretary Sean Duff … | Continue reading
1. To look something up quickly and then spend twenty minutes fact-checking the AI summary, only to find out that it was absolutely wrong. 2. To search for directions and two hours later end up with five items in your Amazon cart. 3. To receive results as ten-second videos that p … | Continue reading
- - -INVICTA GAMES, LTD. Packaging Team — Official Minutes Project: Mastermind / New Cover Presentation MARTIN SMITH (Marketing Senior Vice President): Okay. Gary’s got a new cover comp. Gary, walk us through your vision. GARY LARKIN (Design Lead): Right. Here it is. Black void. … | Continue reading
“A federal vaccine committee took a major step toward Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s goal of remaking the childhood vaccine schedule, voting to end a decades-long recommendation that all newborns be immunized at birth against hepatitis B, a highly infectious virus that … | Continue reading
Season’s Greetings from the Mortons! We know many of you look forward to opening your mailbox each December to receive the Morton annual Christmas card and extensive family newsletter. It brings us no good tidings to let you know that we’ve made the difficult decision to paywall … | Continue reading
- - -A few pieces of creative advice shared by Debbie Harry: You can’t please everyone all the time You can never make a big enough fool of yourself Use the perspective you’ve earned - - -As my plans to interview Debbie Harry and Chris Stein of Blondie for The Believer first to … | Continue reading
SYNOPSIS High school is no picnic for anyone, but especially if you’re one of Shakespeare’s most iconic leading men. Hamlet might be the big man on campus, but that doesn’t mean he’s got it all figured out. This drama puts a much-needed spin on a classic by imagining a world wher … | Continue reading