Foolproof Alternatives to Banned Birth Control

“All but eight House Republicans voted against a bill to codify the right to contraception federally amid concerns that the Supreme Court could overturn a decades-old ruling prohibiting states from banning contraceptives.” — Salon, 7/21/22 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - … | Continue reading | 28 days ago

Ernest Hemingway’s Juno

The hills across the suburbs of Elk River were long and white. On this side there was no shade, but the people who lived there were still very white. Close against the side of the Dancing Elk Drug Store were a coin-operated buffalo and a NO LOITERING sign to keep out the teens. I … | Continue reading | 29 days ago

Hemingway Updated for the Post-Roe Generation

The Fun Also Rises “Oh, Jake,” Brett said, “we’re going to have such a damned good time together.” “What’s this? Have you forgotten the many euphemistic ways I’ve told you my penis doesn’t work?” “No, darling. Let’s just say I’ve grown fond of the idea of a man who can’t get me i … | Continue reading | 29 days ago

The Sun Also Rises, in Instagram Captions

@jakebarnes_usa: Hit the courts with my boy @big_cohner_alert today. Always great to hit those balls around since mine don’t work lol @franny_girl: Some personal news heading to Paris because @big_cohner_alert’s mag is hitting the struggle bus and we need some time to process. So … | Continue reading | 29 days ago

Reasons My Kid’s Barbie Is Increasingly Relatable as I Approach Middle Age

Although she hardly ever leaves the house, one of her high-heeled shoes is always missing. The one sustainable, non-polyester item in her wardrobe is a sweater Grandma knitted. Every time youngsters manipulate her into doing some exercise, her joints make this weird clicking soun … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Big Baby Brody Calls It a Career

Goo-goo ga-ga, wrestling fans. Big Baby Brody here, about to hit you with some real baby talk: After three decades of toiling in indie wrestling obscurity, I’m unlacing my booties and hanging up my bonnet for the last time. Reality has me in a headlock called “middle age,” and I’ … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

The Count from Sesame Street Lists All the Ways You Failed Your Toddler Today

Greetings! It is I, the Count, and the number of the day is TEN! Let’s count the TEN WAYS you did not meet the exacting and unpredictable standards of your toddler today! ONE! You said “good morning” when you walked into his room to wake him up, but he did not want you to say tha … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

The Feline Mystique

The problem lay buried for many years in the minds of American cats, like an old desiccated turd in a long-neglected kitty litter box. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning. Each suburban cat struggled with it alone. As it rode, humiliated, in its carr … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Emily Dickinson Poem or an Early Aughts Emo Lyric?

1. “We are the only poets, everyone else is prose.” 2. “My life had stood a loaded gun.” 3. “Jealousy is the cousin, the cousin of greed.” 4. “She dealt her pretty words like blades, how glittering they shone.” 5. “Would you be the savior of the broken? The beaten? The damned?” 6 … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I Am Ariel the Little Mermaid, and I’d Like to Be a Fish Again

A few weeks ago, I sold my voice to a sea witch to become a human woman. It was an incredible adventure at first. I fell in love! I made new friends. I learned so much about the culture up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. And now I polite … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Prayer of the Assistant Professor Going up for Tenure

Please, Tenure Gods of My Institution, please find it within Yourselves to grant me tenure by looking to your own established criteria, which I’ve already demonstrably surpassed. Please do it by faculty vote so that we can introduce dramatic subjectivity into a process outlined b … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

If a Woman Falls in the Forest and No One Is Around to Hear Her, Does She Make a Sound?

Let’s be honest. It’s not exactly “if,” but “when” she falls. Of course, she’s gonna fall! If there’s one thing I know, it’s that forests are teeming with exposed tree roots. If there’s another thing I know, it’s that women tend to be pretty clumsy. Why is she heading into the wo … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I’m the Person in Charge of Printing Out the Entire Internet

I’m the person in charge of printing out the entire internet. Like in case of a solar flare taking out global communications. Or an EMP attack. Any sort of disaster that would send us back to the dark ages. They say it’s part of Continuity of Government and all that. They have me … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Hello, and welcome to our startup. We hope you’re enjoying your complimentary snifter of vaporized coconut water. Once you’re done, please place th... | Continue reading | 1 month ago

N.I.M.B.Y. Membership Application

Thanks for your interest in becoming a NIMBY. The Not In My Back Yard movement has been a proud supporter of exclusionary zoning, regressive views, and rose-colored nostalgia for decades. We welcome all to become part of our big tent (not very on-brand, we know). Simply fill out … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

“Your (Aging) Body Is a Wonderland”

With apologies to John Mayer, who, like the rest of us, isn’t getting any younger. - - -We got the afternoon You got this examining room One thing we’ve left to do Diagnose these Symptoms, they’re new One mile to every inch of My skin tags, please don’t gag This thing on my lip, … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

The Earliest Adopters of Bitrock

Two cavemen stand by hundreds of long lines of rocks. —Gnog still not get it. Explain it like Gnog five mammoth hunts old. —So, it called “rockchain” because it literally chain of rocks. If Gnog want to take rock out of rockchain, majority of hunters looking at rockchain must say … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

A British Person’s Guide to the Tory Party Leadership Election

What’s the history? Several years ago, Boris Johnson, a man many believe to be a long-running satire of the upper classes, was made prime minister after promising to be tremendously rude to everyone else in Europe. What happened? Crikey. Where to begin. Lies, corruption, incompet … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

And on the Twelfth Day of the Seventh Month, Thou Shalt Observe an Amazon Prime Day

23:14-15 And the Lord spoke to Bezos, saying: On the twelfth day of the month of July, gather all thy Alexa devices and mark them half off so that every household should come to own one. Let Alexa spy on all the people, so that I can take a break from being omnipresent. 23:16 And … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Regarding the Recently Passed “Arm the Teachers” Bill

TO: All Staff RE: Recent passage of the ‘Arm the Teachers’ bill Hi everyone, I trust you know I don’t begrudge anybody their success—ultimately, it’s about the students—but I think it’s absolutely unfair that the quality of weapons we get is tied to standardized test scores. I un … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Stranger Things If Kate Bush Hadn’t Agreed to Let Them Use “Running Up That Hill”

VECNA: Would you like to join them, Max? (Music plays as an image of Max’s friends appears in the distance as if at the top of a hill.) VECNA: They can’t help you now, Max. There’s a reason… sorry, is that “Turn It On Again” they’re playing? MAX: Lucas remembered! VECNA: Huh. I f … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

For Your Crimes You Have Been Sentenced to a Beach Vacation

You have been found guilty of despising work and committing the desire to get out of town. For your heinous acts, you have been sentenced to one year in a beachside condominium, which you will consecutively serve one or two weeks at a time every summer, until you are eligible for … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

An Open Invitation to Touch My Pregnant Belly

Dear strangers or loose acquaintances who lack a sense of personal boundaries, Although you don’t know me, please touch my pregnant stomach whenever you see me at the doctor’s office, the grocery store, or the local YMCA. No worries if I’m walking to the bathroom to give a urine … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Wait, You Can Just Make Your Leader “Step Down”?

“Scandal-ridden British Prime Minister Boris Johnson capitulated to mounting pressure to step down Thursday, announcing his decision after days of high-profile government resignations and calls from fellow Conservative Party members to quit.” — NBC News - - -Hi Britain, confused … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

My Forties in Internet Headlines

He Can’t Stop Talking About His Low-Carb Diet. So Why Does He Go to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, Literally Every Single Day? The Simple Trick to Removing the Rainbow Sprinkles Wedged into Your Car Seats Before Your Wife and Children Figure Out You’ve Been Going to Dunkin’ Donuts, Like, … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

New Music Is Garbage, and So is Literacy and Lack of Death by Whooping Cough

The music coming out now sucks. It’s all autotuned and loop pedals. I remember when bands rocked! Some of these new acts have chicks on stage who aren’t backup singers or groupies. And the songs are about something other than how rock will never die. Bah!! All this widespread lit … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I Am a Pro-Life Activist Who Will Now Happily Retire from Politics

As a pro-life activist, I’ve spent the better part of my life on the front lines fighting for the life of the unborn. It has been my passion. My raison d’être, if you will. I’ve spent countless hours demanding that my deeply held religious beliefs regarding other women’s bodies b … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

These Swimsuits Need Good Homes

Are you hoping to wear a new swimsuit to the beach, pool, or lake this summer? There are tons of swimsuits out there, just waiting for the right person to find them and give them a forever home. Let Swimsuit Finder help you find the perfect fit for your lifestyle and body type. S … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

How I Became a Millionaire by Selling Jars of My Farts Online

Five years ago, if I had said I was switching career objectives from becoming a published novelist to selling jars of my farts on the internet, you would have thought I was crazy. Browsing through hand-blown glass jars, sealed with wax and cork, in temperature-controlled cellars … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Minecraft for Adjunct Professors

Getting Started First, you need to decide between Creative Mode and Survival Mode. In Creative Mode, you are like a god, the lord and master of all you see, with an infinite number of items and resources at your disposal. Creative Mode is only available for tenured professors. Ev … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Holding My Baby Will Not Be a Stressful Experience for You at All

Hey, Carl. Thanks so much for coming out to meet our precious new baby. Look, she’s so excited to see you. Do you want to hold her? It’s totally fine if you don’t, by the way. I mean, yeah, I guess by asking if you want to hold her, I’ve now put you in a position where you would … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

FAQ: Freedom

What is freedom? Freedom is the ability to live as you wish, so long as you do not interfere with the freedom or rights of others. Who is allowed to be free? All Americans are allowed to be free. That sounds good. All Americans who are men get freedom. Being white also helps. Als … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

A Declaration of Independence from the United States Supreme Court

We hold this truth to be self-evident: We are sick of this shit. We have established that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That when any branch of government becomes … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Laws Should Be Based Solely on the Words of Constitutional Authors Like Me, the Guy Who Died After Shoving a Piece of Whalebone in His Dick

I am beyond pleased to see that the Supreme Court is strictly honoring the sacred legal analysis of constitutional authors like myself, Gouverneur Morris, an esteemed American statesman who died horribly in 1816 because I shoved a piece of whalebone in my dick. It is clear from t … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I’d Rather Drag Your Lifeless Body from This Party Than Wait Here While You Go to the Bathroom

Oh, you’re heading to the bathroom to pee? Hold on, buddy. Let’s not do anything crazy. We have a good thing going here. As long as you’re standing next to me, I’m a normal person at a party. The second you walk away, you destroy everything. One careless move by you, like going t … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Your Kids Have Been Totally Off Screens and Playing Outside for the Entire Fifteen Minutes Before You Arrived to Pick Them Up

Oh, look who’s here! And so soon too. We’ve been having a blast. See how your kids are playing outside with my kids, who are also outside? Trampoline, tetherball, chaos tag—they’re going to sleep well tonight. A second ago, we were having a competition to see who could yell out t … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: An IUD Called Aunty Fatima

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Our New Skin Serum is Anti-Aging, Anti-Wrinkle, Anti-Old, and Deeply Ageist to Its Core

We here at Clarity Cosmetics are thrilled to announce the rollout of our debut skin-care oil. Our new anti-aging, blemish-reducing serum will have your skin looking better and more youthful than ever. There are, however, a few things we’d like to get ahead of regarding this produ … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes

“Mrs. Robinson, are you stuck in the dryer?” — The Graduate (1967) “You’re gonna need a boat. Wait, are we on a boat? Fuck, I’m so high right now.” — Jaws (1976) “Leave the gun, take the never-ending breadsticks.” — The Godfather (1972) “There’s no crying in baseball, unless it’s … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

We’re Sorry We Caused the Tampon Shortage

You may have heard that the reason shelves aren’t stocked with a hundred kinds of tampons right now is due to forces vexing the global economy. Like fuel costs, labor shortages, and the supply chain. But really, it’s our fault. We can’t stop making tampon crafts. Yes, we know the … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Why I Am Not a Writer

Joyce spent twenty-nine thousand hours writing Ulysses. Vonnegut spent twenty-three years writing Slaughterhouse Five. Hemingway rewrote The Sun Also Rises fifty times. “Really great fun,” Wodehouse said of his time in a German internment camp. When he was twelve years old, Dicke … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I’m the Last Bottle of Ketchup at Mar-a-Lago and I Live in a State of Constant Fear

“Former Trump White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified on Tuesday that former President Trump was so upset that then-Attorney General William Barr dismissed claims of widespread election fraud that he threw his lunch at the wall in the West Wing dining room… ‘I first noticed … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

We Are an Anti-Abortion Couple, and Don’t Worry, We Will Adopt Your Baby

We are an anti-abortion couple, and we are here to save you. Because if you agree not to have an abortion, we will adopt your baby for you. You just found out you’re five weeks pregnant, and although the fetus growing inside you is barely the size of a sesame seed, we’d like you … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: One Word: Abortion

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Sure, the Supreme Court Is Making Some Bad Decisions. But at Least the Rest of Their Decisions Are Also Bad

Look, I’m right there with you—the current version of the United States Supreme Court has made some pretty bad decisions recently. But here’s the thing: if you take a moment, step back, and look at the big picture, you’ll see that the rest of their decisions have also been bad. I … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Robin Tyler

Dan Pasternack grew up in Los Angeles in the 1970s and ’80s, voraciously consuming Looney Tunes cartoons, Marx Brothers’ movies, old-time radio shows, the Dr. Demento radio show, and stand-up comedians on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He went on to become a stand-up comic … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

Help Support Safe Travel for Abortion Care

McSweeney’s supports the Brigid Alliance, a nonprofit that for five years has provided travel, food, lodging, child care, and other logistical support for people who need to travel to access safe abortion. Founded in 2017, the Brigid Alliance has seen the need for their services … | Continue reading | 1 month ago

We’re the Supreme Court and, Honestly, We Just Want You All to Die

Hey, America, it’s us, the Supreme Court of the United States. We heard you shouting outside our houses that one time, which was really scary. But we’re ready to have a conversation now, by which we mean, we’re ready to talk and we hope you’re ready to listen. We understand that … | Continue reading | 1 month ago