An Open Letter to My Thirty-Plus-Year-Old Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,It’s been a swell thirty-some years carting you gals around. I don’t have many complaints, but I do have one suggestion: I’d love for... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Dean of Students Clarifies the University’s COVID Guidelines for the Upcoming Semester

Hello students!With the deadline to submit proof of your COVID vaccine just around the corner, we would like to update you with some exciting news... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

We Apologize for Claiming Critical Race Theory Will Make Your Children Sacrifice Their Classmates to Satan

Dear readers,Here at the The True America Institute, we hold ourselves to the highest standards of accuracy and integrity in our communications. T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Retelling of Snow White in Which It’s Clear That the Mirror Meant “Fair” as in “Very Pale”

Once upon a time, there was a queen who was known as a “wicked stepmother,” although she was actually just misunderstood. It wasn’t easy ruling ful... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

As an Indigenous Person, Here Are Some Land Acknowledgments I Hope Never Happen


Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for a Luxury Condominium Building in Palo AltoThank you for gathering here at the site of a what will be a state-of-the-a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

With God as My Witness I Will Not Pick the Restaurant

A: Where should we eat?B: I’m happy to go anywhere!A: Me too. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. At all.B: Same. Any restaurant you have in min... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

How to Escape from a Sleeping Baby

So, you’ve finally managed to rock your baby to sleep. This is a feat all on its own — you should be proud. But now you’d like to spend the next ho... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Are You Allowed to Criticize Simone Biles?: A Decision Tree

"Following superstar gymnast Simone Biles citing concerns of mental health after shockingly pulling out of the women’s team competition, a number o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

More Development Would Ruin Our Neighborhood’s Character and That Character is Systemic Racism

When I heard our town was considering legalizing (gulp) duplex apartments to allow more housing, I was devastated. I’m not against people having ho... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

James Caan: A Guided Sleep Meditation

So, I hear youse can’t sleep. You been tryin’ and tryin’, but the Sandman, that lil’ prick, he ain’t comin’. Who knows why? That’s neither here nor... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Art of the Ages… and the Aging

Beaver of Fine Arts: Art of the Ages... and the Aging | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Do You Have a Toddler or Is Your House Haunted by the Ghost of the Widow of an 1800s Sea Captain?

Shoes you placed neatly on the shoe rack in the front hall mysteriously appear in the bathtub, stuffed in the soil of a potted plant, or in the dra... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m the Guy Who Wears Jeans in the Summer, and You’ll Never Get Me to Admit That I’m Burning Up

Boy, this sure is some heatwave we’re having, huh? Not that it bothers me one bit, as you can tell by the fact that I’m dressed like James Dean in ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

You Think Delta Airlines and Corona Beer Have It Bad? My Laundromat Is Named “Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease”

I cannot believe it, but this pandemic might end up affecting my small business, and all just because it’s named Horrible Debilitating Murder Disea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Worst They Can Say Is No

Just ask for a raise! What’s the worst that can happen? They say no? And your already fragile self-esteem is irreparably damaged? It’s really not t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Summer in New York in an Increasingly Hot Climate Is Not a Good Enough Reason to Bare Your Shoulders in Public

“Bras in the parks, skivvies on Fifth Avenue: Is this the logical endpoint of increasingly blurred distinctions between public and private?” — New... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Six Ways You Have Utterly Failed Your Child, According to a Pediatric Dentist

1. “These molar cavities have grown since your child’s last visit. She will need several root canals, and I hate to say it, but it’s probably all y... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the #OWNVOICES Movement

Dear the #OwnVoices movement,I feel like it’s only proper that I start by thanking you for all you have done for a few of my people. You encourage... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Apologies Women Need to Make (Sorry, It’s True!)

Sorry, I have a question.Sorry, what? No, I’m not pregnant. When do I want kids? Uh… I don’t know. I’m twenty-nine. Great questions, though! All r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The European Men’s Beach Volleyball Disciplinary Commission Defends Its Banana Hammock Rule

“Norwegian women’s beach handball team [has been] fined for not playing in bikinis. While male players are allowed to play in tank tops and shorts,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dunkin’s Smoked Vanilla Iced Latte

Dunkin’s latest summer offering, their new Smoked Vanilla Iced Latte, is the perfect, refreshing antidote to a sweltering summer day, especially as... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Baby Shoes, Never Won: The Twenty-Episode Podcast

Ernest Hemingway’s six-word story “For sale: baby shoes, never worn” is often regarded as the shortest story in the English language. Now it’s fina... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Ernest Hemingway: Superspreader

Mary did not wish me to visit Scott in his final days but that did not stop me nor did the fear. For the first time in my life I embraced another m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Susan Choi on Donald Barthelme

On the surface, the work of Susan Choi doesn’t have much in common with that of Donald Barthelme. Choi is known almost exclusively as a novelist (t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Ernest Hemingway’s “The Killers,” Featuring The Killers

The doors to The Dine-N-Belt Diner opened and two rough fellows strode through. The two men swept derby hats from their heads and found seats at th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Our System Here at the Ministry of Magic Is Alive and Well

“It turns out capitalism is alive and very well… We’re making serious progress to ensure that it works the way it’s supposed to work for the good o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Lost Episodes of I Love Lucy

“Lucy and the Italian Neo-Realists”While reading from James M. Cain’s The Postman Always Rings Twice at the top of the Spanish Steps to Lucy, Fred... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Blood Diamond Capital Is Part of the Solution

Friends,We here at Blood Diamond Capital understand and agree that there are problems in the world today. This may surprise our stockholders as we... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Seeking Despotic Facebook Moderator

We are looking for a person to run our exclusive neighborhood group for upper-income residents in downtown Chicago. You will be responsible for wea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Athletes Should Stick to Sports and Stop Inserting Themselves into Inter-Dimensional Conflicts on Behalf of the Looney Tunes

Lebron James is everywhere. He’s selling Sprite. He’s protesting for civil rights. Most recently, he’s infiltrated an alternate dimension to libera... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Kaveh Akbar

A self-critical element is flourishing in contemporary poetry. Many poets speak as if they feel that you, reader, won’t trust them unless they make... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Letter from the Neighbourhood Association to Admiral Boom, the Homeowner in Mary Poppins Who Fires a Cannon off His Roof Twice a Day

Dear ADM Boom,This notice is being sent to you on behalf of the Board of Directors of the Cherry Tree Lane Neighbourhood Association in regards to... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Tweets from the Bath & Body Works Crisis Communications Team in the Year 2030

Tweets from the Bath & Body Works Crisis Communications Team in the Year 2030 | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Nine to Five: An Illustrated Day in the Life of a Mom Who Does it All

Nine to Five: An Illustrated Day in the Life of a Mom Who Does it All | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m Sorry, But I, The Tooth Fairy, Am Still Not Comfortable Returning to In-Person Work

I know, I know. COVID rates are on the decline, and mask mandates are being lifted, and millions of houses around the world are filled with unwante... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Captcha’d and Released

Dear User, you’re almost finished creating an account!To verify you’re not a robot, please click here.Something’s not right. Please click here ag... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Kevin Simmonds

Somewhere near the middle of his third collection, The Monster I Am Today: Leontyne Price and a Life in Verse, the poet Kevin Simmonds defines “mon... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dear HR: What Skin Color Emoji Am I Supposed to Use?

Dear HR Department,I am writing to you to inquire about company policy regarding which skin color emoji I am allowed to use on the Slack messaging... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Nobody Wants to Be a Serf Anymore

“Job openings are at record highs. Why aren’t Americans filling them?” — The Wall Street Journal, 7/9/21- - -My good lords, I must bring to your ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Allison, This Is Your Future College, and We’re Here to Ruin Your Life

“The summer before senior year of high school is a great time for students to make progress on the college application process.”— U.S. News & ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Kathleen Ossip

Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am an Alien Ambassador and I Only Wish to Speak to Your Richest Human

“Richard Branson, the British billionaire, plans to blast into space on Sunday from New Mexico aboard a rocket made by his company Virgin Galactic.... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Passage From TACEIPV, My Police Procedural Novel Written After Playing the New York Times’ Word Game Spelling Bee for Ten Consecutive Hours

Pete Cavett had been on the job three years, but this was the first time Sarge was letting him go undercover. He knew why. The mark had a man-kille... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Just Because Nobody’s Heard of Us Doesn’t Mean We Didn’t Change the History of FM Radio

The year was 1997, when radio changed the face of narrative and literary culture in America.GENE, STATION MANAGER: We knew they would become the v... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m Trapped in This Standing Ovation at Cannes and There’s No End in Sight

When my dear companion Cecil purloined a pair of tickets to the premiere of Rockwell: Triple Portrait of a Man starring Daniel Day-Lewis, I was ecs... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Are You Vacationing with Children or Starring in a Gripping Medical Drama?

1. You know, from hard-won experience, that time here is fleeting, but your constant speechifying about it makes spending any time with you a real ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

You Are Henceforth Under Conservatorship Because You Are Not Doing Better in Life Than Britney Freaking Spears

“[Britney] Spears, who is thirty-nine has spent the past thirteen years living under a conservatorship, a legal structure in which a person’s perso... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

My Typical Day on Unemployment

Another wonderful day on extended unemployment benefits! I’m sure you’re wondering how I waste your hard-earned tax dollars with my copious amounts... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago