American Infrastructure Checks In to Remind You That It Isn’t Actually Supposed to Work

“As Texas faced record-low temperatures this February and snow and ice made roads impassable, the state’s electric grid operator lost control of th... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Mac ‘N Cheese

I am not a picky eater. I regularly eat boxed mac and cheese, not just Kraft but the $0.35 generic box that tastes little more than bleach flour an... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’ve Never Tried Your Idea, and Now Everything Is on Fire, and That’s How I Know Your Idea Is Bad

“This shows how the Green New Deal would be a deadly deal for the United States of America.” — Texas Governor Greg Abbott on the massive cold-weath... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Hey, It’s Me, God. You Can Take Lent Off This Year

Hey, all. It’s Me, God. I just wanted to let everyone know I’ve decided to give you Lent off this year. Instead of the usual “give up something imp... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I Am a Local. Where Are You From?

I am a local. That means I am from here. Where are you from?Never heard of it.I was born and raised here. Not born technically, but raised. Well,... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

As a Superhero Teacher, I Can’t Wait to Sacrifice My Unvaccinated Life for Your Child

“The nation’s top public health agency said Friday that in-person schooling can resume safely with masks, social distancing and other strategies, a... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

How to Write About Iran: A Guide for Journalists, Analysts, and Policymakers

Whether you are working from your DC office or your home in LA or New York, here’s all you need to know to become an expert on Iran.1. Always refe... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m the Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, and One Day You Will All Bow Before My Bare Weatherproof Legs

Oh, hey there. I couldn’t help but notice that you were staring at my legs. No, you did not slip on a patch of ice and somehow wake up on a tennis ... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Guess Who Violated the U.S. Constitution?

- - -Download a FREE printable PDF version to play at home. | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Cardi B’s “White-Ass Presidents”

(There’s some bores in this house)(There’s some bores in this house)I said, certified geeksFor 12347 weeks1White-ass presidentsMake this count... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m William Henry Harrison, and It Seems You’ve Forgotten Me Again This President’s Day

Good day, America. ‘Tis I, William Henry Harrison, 9th U.S. president, ‘Ol Tippecanoe, humbly coming before you this President’s Day to ask you aga... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Moderna Love

“Nice mask,” he said.I didn’t hear him clearly because of the wind, but I felt his presence. I turned around to see it was the man standing behind... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I, Cupid, Resign As Mascot of Valentine’s Day Because I’m a Baby and It’s Creepy

I Cupid, officially announce my retirement as the mascot of Saint Valentine’s Day. Given this is an occasion to celebrate romantic love, as a chubb... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Famous Fictional Men Review Their Made-to-Order Girlfriends

Product: EveUser: Adam ( A mixed bag. Major improvement over the Lilith model (DO NOT BUY) but needed an entire rib to ac... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’ve Seen the Evidence, and There’s a Lot of It, and It’s Overwhelming and Very Persuasive, and I’ve Decided to Ignore It

“After watching graphic video from the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, many Republican senators denounced the violence but said they were still incli... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m the Liberal Mastermind Who Killed Christmas, and Now I’m Coming for Your Precious Valentine’s Day

Phase one of my master plan is complete, sheeple. Your days of saying “Merry Christmas!” to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the street are over. It’s... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

In Memoriam: Real Pants

Real Pants, the wardrobe staple that enjoyed global success for centuries, passed away peacefully, surrounded by family who were working from home.... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m Your Sudden Onset Adult Acne, and I’m Here to Destroy Your Face, Your Week, and Your Dignity

Hello, it’s me, your sudden onset adult acne. I know things are bad right now, and I’m here to make them even worse by absolutely fucking shit up f... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Beatles Lyrics We Totally Forgot About

The part in “Hey Jude” about wivesEverybody loves singing along with their friends to this classic — especially when the “na-na-na-naaaa” part kic... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

An Update from Your Three-Year Old’s Montessori Educator, Translated for Parents Who Endured a Traditional Public School Education

“Sorrel began the day here at Shining Dewdrop Peaceful Heart Song Montessori Children’s House with an absorbent mind, eager to self-construct! Duri... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m Not Some Sort of Law Expert, I’m Just a Simple Lawyer Representing the Former President in an Impeachment Trial

“I’m not Ken Starr or Alan Dershowitz. You’re not going to get a law professor’s explanation… I’m a guy who gets up in court and talks.” — Bruce Ca... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Another Beloved Show Goes Off the Rails: The Disturbing Seasons 13-18 of Your Child’s Life

Bizarre character twists, R-rated dialogue, and hours of silent glaring — that’s what you can expect in Seasons 13-18 of Your Child’s Life.Everyon... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Utilitarian Expository Comments Added to Films So Your Overly Analytical Father-in-Law Will Shut the Hell Up While the Movie’s Playing

Star Trek into DarknessThe USS Enterprise is attacked in space, a loud explosion on screen as the ship splits.CPT. KIRK: I know you’re all worrie... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Courtney Zoffness, Author of Spilt Milk

Amanda Uhle spoke with Courtney Zoffness about her forthcoming book of essays, Spilt Milk, which has already earned starred reviews from Publishers... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Forget Baby Hitler, I’m Traveling Back in Time to Kill My 18-Year-Old Self Before I Sign Up for Student Loans

This is my machine, dammit, and now that I’ve finally built it, I’m going to make a tweak that will have unquestionably positive effects on my life... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Neighborhood Watch Alert: Sad-Songed Teen with New Driver’s License in Unfamiliar Vehicle

Hi, neighbors —We just wrapped another productive neighborhood council meeting yesterday. Lisa should be getting those meeting notes out to us any... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Twelve Writing Prompts to Help You Finally Quit Writing

1. Tell a story about no one doing nothing in no words and never write it down.2. Stephen King said, “Revising a story down to the bare essentials... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Welcome to Your New Ham Sandwich. Please Log in to Continue

Congratulations on the purchase of your ham sandwich.Soon all the pleasures of this delicious sandwich will be yours.After you complete the 32-st... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

It’s Me, Your Anti-Vaxxer Facebook Friend, and I Believe Emily in Paris Deserves a Golden Globe

“The 2021 Golden Globes nominations were announced Wednesday morning. And among the biggest surprises was that Netflix’s ‘Emily in Paris’ was nomin... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki Patiently Circles Back

“I often note, ‘I’m going to circle back’ — I hate to disappoint conservative Twitter, but I’m going to circle back on a number of things.” — Whit... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

The Terrible Things I Have Said and Done My Entire Life, and Right Up Until a Few Days Ago, Do Not Represent Me As a Person

“I never said any of these things since I have been elected for Congress. These were words of the past, and these things do not represent me.” — R... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Yes, Scar Commanded His Hyenas to Plunder Pride Rock, But We Cannot Banish a Former King to the Elephant Graveyard

“At a time when our country needs to come together, Democrats in Congress are rehashing the same strategy that they employed for the last four year... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Our New Vaccine Distribution Plan Is Based on Your Relationship with Pink Floyd

Due to high demand and constrained supply, COVID-19 vaccines are severely limited at this time. Since distributing the vaccine based on logical nee... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to Peter Morgan of The Crown for Creating a New Generation of Colonial Sympathizers

Dear Mr. Peter Morgan, CBE,We almost had it. We were on the brink of erasing monarchy lovers everywhere. Then, you came along and just had to make... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Bonne Maman INTENSE Fruit Spreads

There I was, casually filling my Instacart with the whole milk, broccoli, and different incarnations of chicken that my family goes through endless... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Drake Songs or 16th-Century Lutenist John Dowland Parlor Bops with Which to Court Your Desired After This Foul Plague Hath Passed?

1. “Weston Road Flows”2. “Orlando Sleepin’”3. “In My Feelings”4. “Too Good”5. “Final Fantasy”6. “Over My Dead Body”7. “Coy Joy”8. “Wandering... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Brett Payne, Mystery Shopping at the Roller Rink

Q: When did you work as a mystery shopper?A: It was 2014 to 2017. At the time, we had a young daughter at home and we couldn’t pay for daycare, so... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I Am Dr. Frankenstein, and I Condemn the Actions of the Monster I Created and Did Nothing to Stop

“Senator Mitch McConnell said on Monday that the ‘loony lies and conspiracy theories’ embraced by Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene amounted to... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Basic Math Rules That Do Not Apply to Real Life

Sometimes it feels like the things we learned in school are useless (especially considering they could have been teaching us to do taxes or pick go... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

“I Just Love Winter,” Said the Man from Northern California

“I just love winter,” said the man from Northern California.- - -“It’s so fun to get all bundled up and brave the outdoors,” said the man whose wi... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Punxsutawney Phil Dumps His High School Crush Via Voicemail

“DIANE! IT’S PHIL! YOU KNOW THE GRAHNHAWG YOU BLEW OFF FOR PROM 26 YEARS GO. It’s been a while.” — Punxsutawney Phil drunk-dialing his high school ... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Five Signs Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig Plant Is Actually Yen-Lo-Wang, the Chinese God of Death

1. Your Fiddle-Leaf Fig plant sits atop a jade throne in the Fifth Court of Feng-Du.This should raise a huge red flag since Fiddle-Leaf Figs are t... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

An Airbnb Listing Written by My Mom to Me

There’s no place like home. This private basement bedroom is perfect for long weekends, holiday stays, or extended visits. Departure dates are flex... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

I’m Robby Frost and These Are My Dank Ass Poems

“The Road Not Taken (AKA Kappa Party ‘07)”Two roads diverged in the woods where Sig Ep has their “Bonfire & Babes” party, and I — I took my ... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

The Jewish Space Laser’s Label Disclaimer

“GOP congresswoman [Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene] blamed wildfires on secret Jewish space laser.” — New York Magazine, 1/28/21- - -INDICATIONS AND ... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

Manipulating Mario Kart and Using the Rainbow Road Shortcut Is Wrong and Must Be Prosecuted (Except When I Do it)

“The reason the market is doing what it’s doing is people are sitting at home getting checks from the government… This fair share, is a BULLSHIT co... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

The Important Thing Is to Keep Blindly Pouring All Your Money into the Stock Market

The big runup in the stock market has people worried. There are reasons to think it’s headed for a major decline, what with the pandemic still ragi... | Continue reading | 2 years ago

An Open Letter to the Folks in 2020 Who Allowed Me to Speak to Them Through My Mask for Extended Periods While We Waited for Things

Dear Strangers, Friends, and Family,I’m glad you are all here as I’d like to take a moment to thank you for helping me through, what I’m gathering... | Continue reading | 2 years ago