The Child Labor Camp from HOLES Reopens Amid Coronavirus Concerns

Dear Parents,Since its inception, Camp Green Lake has operated on one guiding principle: “If you take a bad boy and make him dig a hole every day ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Star Trek Villains I’d Rather Have Handling the COVID-19 Vaccine Initiative “Operation Warp Speed” Than Donald Trump

“The leaders of Operation Warp Speed, the Trump administration’s well-funded project to develop COVID-19 vaccines at record speed, have said they a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Why I Started the Strategy for Black Lives

Since I was 15 years old, a sophomore in high school, I have been involved in racial justice work, attending protests, and organizing with my fello... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Take Me Out, Coach: Revising John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” for MLB’s COVID-19 Outbreak

“The Marlins have now had 17 people test positive in the past five days. On Monday, the total of confirmed cases stood at 11 players and two coache... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Should Have Read the Fine Print

- - -- - - | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Our Publication Stands By the Decision to Give a Platform to the Sea Monster Trying to Devour Our Entire Town

In these unprecedented times, we at the Seaside Beacon-Gazette remain committed to delivering high-quality journalism. Though we understand the con... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

QUIZ: Do You Want to Go to Grad School Or Do You Just Need a Snack?

1. Why do you want to go to grad school?A. It’s necessary for my professional development. B. I got an email from FAFSA by accident.2. Do you kn... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Thank You for Being Here

Critical Care Physician University of Michigan HospitalAnn Arbor, MI- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Gotham City Asks Batman to Wear Another Mask to Cover the Bottom Half of His Face

It took some doing, Batman, but we’ve finally developed a mask we think you can live with. It’s black, of course, and can take stabs and shotgun bl... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Sending In More Stormtroopers Is the Only Way to Restore Law and Order to the Rogue Planet of Alderaan

“The Trump administration is sending more federal agents to Portland, Ore., as officials consider pushing back harder and farther against the grow... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

How to Save Your University From Bankruptcy During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Try making coffee at home, rather than building a Starbucks wing off the campus library.You don’t need spin class at the high-tech gymnatorium for... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Essie Retrieved

My maternal grandmother Essie Buchman died on Monday, 8 June, at the age of 104. She was buried three days later, next to my grandfather Abraham, i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Believe the Next Stimulus Bill Should Help America’s Hardworking Billionaires

“To some degree, he has the power to determine which industries and which companies will survive the crisis, which groups of Americans will get th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Four-Way Pocket Screwdriver

- - -Even before his mind went, my grandfather had a dated way of speaking. He always called that now-defunct department store “Sears Roebuck.” He... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m a Lactation Consultant Here to Provide You With a Lot of Options But Only One Choice

Hi, mama! I’m Nicole, and I’m the hospital-appointed lactation consultant. I’m here without any agenda to inform you about the myriad of options yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Deep Breathing

Resident Physician in Internal Medicine and PediatricsDavid Geffen School of Medicine at University of California, Los AngelesLos Angeles, CA- -... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Crag, You Are Canceled

Crag, put down the raw meat. I bring bad news.Somebody dug up your old cave paintings. No, not the ones of elephants and fish. Those are unimpeach... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

We Must Not Destroy Our History by Tearing Down Statues of Great Men Like Gothbag the Terrible

All across the country, protestors and activists are taking down statues of controversial historical figures like Christopher Columbus, Robert E. L... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

A Leaked List of (Entirely Anagrammatic) Proposals for the Washington Football Team’s Name (with Notes from Upper Management)

“On Thursday, the team announced publicly what had already become a clear choice to many inside the organization: It will play the 2020 season as t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

How to Remember the Alphabet

Since the beginning of time, the alphabet has been one of the best ways to designate blood types or write a threatening email. But with twenty-six ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

My Dog Tags

Resident PhysicianUCLA Department of Family MedicineLos Angeles, CA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the v... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Major League Baseball Nicknames, Trump Political Insults, or Both?

1. Whitey2. Shifty Schiff3. Campy4. Moonbeam5. The Chicken Man6. Bad Henry7. Goofy8. The Georgia Peach9. The Flailer10. Old Pete11. Wild ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Spencer Wolff About His New Book A Fire in His Wake

The Fire in His Wake (McSweeney’s, 2020), Spencer Wolff’s exuberant debut novel, tells the story of two men swept up in refugee crises of the twent... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I’m the Wife on a Prestigious Television Drama and the Drug Cartel Can Suck It

Good morning. I’m the wife on a prestigious television drama. I’m taking a moment to stare contemplatively out the window while holding my coffee m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

If You Seek a COVID Test, Solve The Troll’s Riddle on Your Quest!

O wanderer, weary from newsfeeds and Zoom,And anxiously tracking case counts in your room,You seek to be tested? HAH HAH! Join the club!You thin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

So Many Options: Formats for Fall University Classes

In light of the pandemic, faculty have been given options with respect to the format of their fall classes. Initially, there were only three option... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Generational Stereotypes for the Next Millennium

The Omega generation is helpless with technology; they can’t even update their own brainplugs.Never Silents eat their protein sludge with spoons, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Weight of Waiting

Pediatric Cardiac ICU physicianPhoenix Children’s HospitalPhoenix, AZ- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Dispatch 52: Lights of Santa Monica, Head Sores of the East Village

Toward Venice, toward Japan, toward Malibu, toward gaudy arcade lights, back toward Venice — I pace the boards at the end of the Santa Monica pier ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

An Excerpt from Voice of Witness’s Six by Ten: Stories From Solitary

Voice of Witness is an oral history nonprofit that advances human rights by amplifying the voices of people impacted by injustice. Vernesia Gordon... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Hemingway Writes The Baby-Sitters Club

The four girls were friends. In a small town, friends make the days long and the sadness short, though it is still there. The turtlenecked girl wor... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Hemingway Teaches Writing Over Zoom

The wood of my desk is the color of a deer’s hide but not as soft. I set my laptop on the sturdy wood. It is an old MacBook Pro that has lost its s... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Female Character Written by Hemingway or My New Houseplant?

1. Could be described as “willowy”2. Rarely nourished, though often surrounded by food described with a passion reserved, by some, for orgasms3. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Obituaries For The Parts Of Me That Have Died Inside

The Part That Was Excited to Vote This Year (2019 – 2020)The Part Of Me That Was Excited To Vote This Year was violently murdered at the age of o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

My Week of Rest and Relaxation

Pediatrics ResidentColumbia University Irving Medical CenterNew York, NY- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Another Dull Quarantine Weekend at Home, Target, Chipotle, Home Depot, and Our Niece’s Graduation Party

I can’t believe how careless people are being about this virus. At our house, we have been taking the strictest precautions since March. We stay in... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Updates to Your Lease

Dear tenant,Please note that due to extenuating circumstances, we have updated the terms of your lease. They are listed below: Your rent will be... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

I Am a Pair of Eddie Bauer Cargo Shorts, and I Have a Tasteful Number of Pockets

I am a pair of salmon-beige, men’s size 34, Eddie Bauer cargo shorts, and I have a tasteful number of pockets.Since the day that George Washington... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Captions to Use on Baby’s First Instagram After a Heinously Long Fertility Journey

Finally didn’t miscarry one!This baby melted my heart… and my frozen eggs. All of them. And then another round.At $50,000, kinda thought I’d get ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Pixels of Empathy

Clinical PsychologistStanford University, Counseling and Psychological ServicesStanford, CA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Cur... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Little Red Hen Builds a Graduate Program

“We need a graduate program,” said the Faculty.“Who will build it?” wondered the Chair.“The Little Red Hen will build it!” said the Faculty.“I w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Legna Rodríguez Iglesias about Her New Book My Favorite Girlfriend was a French Bulldog

Legna Rodríguez Iglesias is the author of My Favorite Girlfriend was a French Bulldog (McSweeney’s 2020), named a July selection by Ms. Magazine, L... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

The Cancel Culture of the Nextdoor App Has Forced Me to Resign as Moderator

Bari Weiss recently resigned from her position as an op-ed editor at the NY Times.- - -Dear Neighbors,It is with sadness that I write to tell you... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Welcome to Public School Airlines

Welcome to Public School Airlines!This is your captain speaking. Well, maybe I should say “intern captain” since I’m still completing my flight tr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Help, I Have a Sporty Kid

RECEPTIONIST: Maternity ward, may I help you?CALLER: Yes, I’m calling about my son. He was born at your hospital in 2011, and I was wondering if I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

BUMBLE BEE® Snack On The Run! Tuna Salad with Crackers Kit

My name is Chrissy Hartzell. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. I’m a succe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Famous TV Shows as Perceived By a Person of Color

Friends A show about six best friends who just happen to be all white because it’s the ’90s.The Andy Griffith ShowA show with equal distribution... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago

Your Taxes: The Board Game!

Welcome to Your Taxes: The Board Game! — the game you can’t not play. This brand-new 2020 edition is sure to challenge even the most skilled player... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 years ago