Okay, so let’s start with the good part: the opening scene is perfect. Dad’s head is right above baby Liam’s head; they’re both perfectly centered, and they’re both looking directly at Grandma and Grandpa. It’s a clear and ideal way for us to meet these characters. After that, th … | Continue reading
It was an ordinary night at Baker Street. Sherlock was dictating the results of his latest case when, suddenly, he paused. “Watson, there’s someone here to see us,” he said. Sure enough, not a second later, there was a knock, and I opened the door to find a young lady tightly clu … | Continue reading
I am falsely accused of a crime and find myself at an intense trial that could end in jail time. The judge tells me that he will drop all the charges if I can give him information about five men spotted at the scene of the crime. He shows me the pictures of the suspects. They are … | Continue reading
CVS PHARMACY: JERRY, your prescription is ready. Please pick up within the next 24 hours. Don’t worry, we’ll be in touch with reminders. - - -CVS PHARMACY: Your medication is ready. Please pick up before TODAY at 10 MINUTES FROM NOW. On behalf of the whole team and our manager BI … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
“Taylor Swift hasn’t even endorsed President Joe Biden for reelection yet. That hasn’t stopped members of MAGAland’s upper crust from plotting to declare—as one source close to Donald Trump calls it—a ‘holy war’ on the pop mega-star, especially if she ends up publicly backing the … | Continue reading
The big day is almost here! I’m so excited to see all of you. I know some of you have RSVP’d with a plus one, which is great. Can’t wait to meet them. But please, do me a favor and check to see that your guest is really who they claim to be and not a spy, saboteur, or rogue agent … | Continue reading
(With apologies to Mr. Yeats.) - - -I’m doing grand, thanks. Yes, Mr. Yeats, I did get your email. I replied, actually, and explained that before we assign someone to get this issue sorted out, you will need to open up a support ticket. Right, I hear you. I do want to help you so … | Continue reading
[Lively, dramatic music accompanies a montage of the Baby-Sitters Club members as a group followed by clips of each girl with her individual title card and tagline voiceover.] KRISTY: In the game of life, I make my own rules, and that means wearing turtlenecks year-round. CLAUDIA … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Welcome to my channel. I’m a YouTube child star who’s probably gonna end up president or something. My video “Slime Egg Toy Surprise” has been viewed more than three billion times, and I’m only six and a half years old. Watch out, career politicians! After creating a few thousand … | Continue reading
“The craze for Stanley-branded beverage tumblers continues. In the wake of the arrest of a California woman accused of stealing about $2,500 worth of the products, a search by NBC News reveals that the marketplace for the popular reusable cups remains frenzied. On eBay, an ‘Adven … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
1. “You are so beautiful, and so smart!” 2. “It is literally impossible to be a woman!” 3. “It kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough!” 4. “I would literally commit murder for seven Cheesy Gordita Crunches from Taco Bell right now.” 5. “You can never say you want to be … | Continue reading
Thank you for having me on. I’m a huge fan of your show. I appreciate the opportunity to steer all discussion toward mentions of my book. Hmm, that first question was not specifically about my book, which makes me worried that this is going to be one of those things where we “hav … | Continue reading
In this recurring column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - -Dear Marge, We’ve never met, but in a way I’ve known you all my life, so I feel co … | Continue reading
Dear Ambitious Real Estate Agent, It was the leggings, wasn’t it? I didn’t plan on buying them, but my daughter’s best friend’s mom was hosting a pop-up shopping party, and I found myself powerless to resist those six peppy syllables. All the other moms were telling me they felt … | Continue reading
I, your beloved Snow Day, am excited to share that I’ve been meditating a lot lately and have decided to reinvent myself as the Flexible Instruction Day. You can call me FID for short. I’m the same Snow Day you know and love, just better. Now you get to stay cozy in your house du … | Continue reading
When I went vegan, the single hardest delicacy to give up was my daily sausage wrapped in a pancake and eaten on a popsicle stick. Breakfasts were a challenge for years—what did people eat, I wondered, if not this? Imagine my delight when the fine folks at Morningstar Farms ended … | Continue reading
Remember me? I’m that gift card some clueless Secret Santa gave you months ago, maybe years. You used me once, then forgot all about me. Oh, you might stumble on me now and then when you’re so bored you decide to clean out your wallet, and then you look at me and think, “Huh, I w … | Continue reading
Special Achievement in Dog Acting Most Based on a Book Loudest Original Song Best Actress in a Silent Wife Role Most Animated Lizard World War Two-iest Picture Best Live Action Old Man Most Downey Jr. Outstanding Achievement in Stressful Sex Scenes to Watch with Your Parents Most … | Continue reading
“Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida suspended his campaign for president on Sunday and endorsed former President Donald J. Trump, marking a spectacular implosion for a candidate once seen as having the best chance to dethrone Mr. Trump as the Republican Party’s nominee in 2024.” — New … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - -Congratul … | Continue reading
Nov. 20 – 11 p.m. After several weeks of courtship, I have established a partnership with a human male. In a brief yet giddy discussion, relationship was determined to be “boyfriend-girlfriend.” Having spent the majority of my adult life single, I find this new pairing most intri … | Continue reading
I know, I messed up. I didn’t claim a spot for you at Camp Half-Blood, and now they’re saying it’s full, and you have to join the waitlist. I realize you had your heart set on that camp. It’s just the winged messenger came around heralding registrations were open so early, and I … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
Dear Mister Poe, At the end of this month, we will be reaching the conclusion of your one-year lease. I wish I could say that I am sorry to see you go. I’ll admit that I was initially impressed by your literary credentials and surprisingly fine taste in furniture. Due to your pat … | Continue reading
Look, we aren’t perfect, but we’re trying. It’s not as easy as it sounds to produce 11,000 new pieces of merchandise every two weeks without cutting a few corners here and there. But just in case you want your lime green booty shorts to be ethical, let’s address a few of the clai … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - -In 2015, Ariana … | Continue reading
At U-Haul, we believe that your ability to drive a midsize sedan qualifies you to drive a ten-thousand-pound box truck. But why stop there? We are proud to introduce new and extreme rental options that will make moving as stressful as possible. - - -Semi-Truck The day has come fo … | Continue reading
First things first, I’m the only one in this class allowed to fart. If any of you sods break wind, I’ll break your finger and ship you back to Pilates, where you bloody belong. All right, fine print’s out the way, let’s dive in. Why don’t we start with a downward dog, yeah? Jesus … | Continue reading
Xi Chuan has again been translated by Lucas Klein, this time in a volume called Bloom and Other Poems. Xi Chuan’s poems, as they emerge in English, have often a streaming headstrong intensity, and a visual brilliance—he’s a kind of philosopher imagist. Xi Chuan, who wanted to be … | Continue reading
For the duration of the war, the producers have replaced Shaquille O’Neal on the panel with James McPherson, the legendary historian of the First American Civil War. McPherson himself is substituted by NBA Hall of Famer Dwyane Wade on alternating Thursdays. This is not one of tho … | Continue reading
Dear Young Masters, Mistresses, and Distinguished Guests, Over countless generations, it has been our honor to wait upon the lords and ladies of Saltburn as they set the standard for elegance, refinement, and homosocial outdoor nudity. However, the mess you have been creating of … | Continue reading
Comedian and musician Tim Heidecker hit the road last summer for his Two Tims tour. It featured two acts: a stand-up comedy set by his alter ego, “Tim Heidecker,” a hacky, misogynist idiot; and live music by the real Tim Heidecker & The Very Good Band. His diary of the tour, From … | Continue reading
Thanks for the flowers, Tim. I suppose no one exactly expects to randomly fall into a ninety-six-month-long coma—it’s all still a bit disorienting, of course, but the hydrangeas provide a nice little burst of color in this hospital room. I just caught up with all the news I misse … | Continue reading
In the morning, my son and daughter wander downstairs whenever they want. I don’t bother waking them at a reasonable hour, since my highest priority as a parent is for my kids to see me as their best friend, rather than an authority figure. I believe that any attempt to regulate … | Continue reading
Monday’s child is fair of face, Tuesday’s child is full of grace. Wednesday’s child is full of woe, Thursday’s child has far to go. Friday’s child is loving and giving, Saturday’s child works hard for a living. And the child born on the Sabbath day Is bonny and blithe, good and g … | Continue reading
When Martin Luther King Jr. walked up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial, he delivered a speech that would change history. With passion and eloquence, he showed us a vision of true equality—an America where people of all colors and backgrounds could enjoy life, liberty, and a piec … | Continue reading
This dissertation [will not have been? is never going to be?] would not have been possible without the unending guidance and oversight of my [wise? erudite? stern? loving?] brilliant advisor. Your [gnomic wisdom? elliptical questions?] comments have been a source of [confusion? b … | Continue reading
2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE DES MOINES, IOWA JANUARY 10th, 2024 8:00 PM: CNN’s debate opens in Des Moines, where the Republican Iowa Caucus is less than a week away. Moderator Jake Tapper tells the two candidates participating, Nikky Haley and Ron DeSantis, “You know the rules … | Continue reading
1. Check this place out, it’s dope 2. Technology solves problems (future good) 3. Technology creates problems (future bad) 4. A world much like our own where some subtle differences highlight humanity/reality/society/perception 5. What if your cock was a bomb? 6. Rockets are not … | Continue reading
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Jane Hirshfield’s New and Selected is such a generous bounty—first of all it is essentially a new book of poems, a departure from older work into a new territory. So, allow me to dive right in, explaining why I am so excited about this book bringing together Hirshfield’s new and … | Continue reading
Wow. First off, all of us executives are flattered to see so many, many thousands of people here supporting our product. The flowers, the chanting, the giant banners with our faces on them—it’s all really something. But things have gotten a little intense here. Let’s maybe slow i … | Continue reading
Listen up, lemmings, because I’m about to clue you in to some hard truths. The mainstream media is trying to keep you in the dark about this story I just heard in the mainstream media. Read this news article. Why the hell isn’t this in the news? The fact is, the media elites don’ … | Continue reading
Chicago humorist Mark Peters is obsessed with reading, writing, hearing, telling—and now, writing about—jokes. In each essay, he looks at a perfect joke by a master of the form. - - -Jack Kirby created thousands of comic book characters, from the X-Men to the Fantastic Four to th … | Continue reading