Our 15th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published March 16, 2020.- - -Due to concerns about COVID-19, our university recently gave me... | Continue reading
Our 16th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published January 31, 2020.- - -With all of the controversy surrounding my new novel, Memoirs... | Continue reading
Our 20th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published March 31, 2020.- - -The BathroomFrog stood outside the bathroom door. He could hea... | Continue reading
Originally published December 23, 2009.- - -Day 1On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Such a though... | Continue reading
At Manger Health Systems, we strive to provide you with the highest quality care when the inn is full and you need to give birth to the child of Go... | Continue reading
1. Finish what you startResilience is a difficult skill to learn, so work up to it in small doses. Instead of watching the first three seconds of ... | Continue reading
Comrades, friends, awakening proletariat, my name is Timothy Cratchit. Many of you know me by the ableist moniker “Tiny Tim,” bestowed upon me by ... | Continue reading
Every Who down in Whoville was sick of the rules,All the masks, sanitizers, and closure of schools.Caroling was banned along with the Annual Snow... | Continue reading
“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Monday faced criticism after saying that the $600 direct payments included in a new economic relief package are ‘sig... | Continue reading
Barack Obama's Favorite Swedish Death Metal of 2020 | Continue reading
Kids, take a seat. For years, your mother and I have assured you both that there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. We’ve reminded you over and over t... | Continue reading
Dear Smith’s Food and Drug Shopper,I couldn’t help but overhear your tirade in the dairy aisle as you loudly complained about how Land O’Lakes kow... | Continue reading
Things I Didn't Have on My 2020 Bingo Card Bingo | Continue reading
Mary, Joseph, and JesusThe Three Wise MenThe Magi’s Waze GPSThe Little Drummer BoyThe Little Oboe GirlInn KeeperInn Keeper’s son Tyler who do... | Continue reading
You’re upset. I get it. Watching these stop-motion films from your childhood is the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore. And rosy-cheeked ... | Continue reading
To the Valued Employees of our London Office,Congrats on another successful year of looking busy! We haven’t lost any clients, so we assume that y... | Continue reading
1. Every single surface of the room is sticky and coated with a fine, white powder.2. You’ve shouted, “Don’t touch that! Bag that up right now! Ba... | Continue reading
“Senator Johnson knows that Joe Biden won a free and fair election. He is refusing to admit it […] because it would be ‘political suicide’ to oppos... | Continue reading
The holiday season is upon us, and if you’re one of the thousands of conventionally attractive, workaholic marketing professionals from coastal big... | Continue reading
Posted by u/KarenInCana 2,100 years ago(Throwaway account so my husband’s cousin’s weird followers don’t pile on me later.)So I (23f) planned thi... | Continue reading
Dear Newsies,I’m trying to put myself in your shoes. I get that you’re a rag-tag bunch of rascals who, for some reason, smoke cigars at age 10. I ... | Continue reading
You thought it was just a song, but the whole thing really happened and I was there. I was the cashier when the “Christmas Shoes” were purchased, a... | Continue reading
Pride and Prejudice Elizabeth Bennet: Yes, of course, she would wear one — a mask can’t stop her from giving her opinions very decidedly for so yo... | Continue reading
While capitalism is still here, I may as well enjoy myself. After all, it’s not my fault.Yes, I think it’s completely absurd that a latte would EV... | Continue reading
Have I told you about the show we’ve been bingeing? You have got to watch Your Child’s Life. We are obsessed. It doesn’t get good until like Season... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
So, you bought an ornamental nut sack. You went ahead and did it. It’s made out of classy teak wood, highlighting the wrinkles and sheen of the typ... | Continue reading
With apologies to Shirley Jackson.- - -The crew had gathered all their supplies, packed the van, and made their way to the White House through ear... | Continue reading
“With his legal options dwindling and time running out before a key electoral college deadline, President Trump on Thursday ramped up pressure on t... | Continue reading
Dear Local Hospitality Business Owners,Last night, while I and the rest of the state’s executive branch were dining in the finest Michelin-starred... | Continue reading
Ugly Holiday Sweaters for 2020 | Continue reading
Hope is the thing with feathers. Remember that! Visualize that! Especially during these harrowing times! Thank you, Emily Dickinson!See how the li... | Continue reading
There’s an old Yiddish insult: May you be like a chandelier — hung by day and burned by night…- - -May you be like the fountain at the Bellagio — ... | Continue reading
As a self-proclaimed cinephile, I’ll admit that sometimes my standards can be pretty high. My love for film is, ironically, the very same reason I ... | Continue reading
Slipping DiGiorno’s Croissant Crust Pizza free from its bag, you’ll likely hear the Red Baron cackle as he cruises past in his marinara-splattered ... | Continue reading
Mary first noticed the kid because he had been tagging along behind her son and his friends. Not joining in, mind you, always at a distance, just w... | Continue reading
In the current system, electoral college votes are apportioned to each state based on its U.S. Congressional delegation — one vote for each senator... | Continue reading
Hey, God. It’s me, Dan. Yes, the same Dan who stopped going to synagogue after he promised a temple full of friends and family on the day of his ba... | Continue reading
I know everyone feels like this year is lasting an eternity, but that’s simply not true — unless you also drank water from a magical spring in Tree... | Continue reading
1. Before you write a joke, you should ask yourself, “Does this joke challenge people’s long-held beliefs?” If your answer is yes, then maybe your ... | Continue reading
MEGAN TRASK (Front Desk Assistant, Sunshine Primary Care): I could tell from the minute she checked in that she was fat. Like, real fat. The crazie... | Continue reading
“The Lottery” by Shirley JacksonThe morning of June 27th was clear and sunny, with the fresh warmth of a full-summer day; the flowers were blosso... | Continue reading
I am the Facebook Algorithm, and while it’s been an honor to serve you for the past decade with BuzzFeed quizzes and pictures of your high school e... | Continue reading
Cinematically speaking, the restaurant business these past 200 days has been a tragedy at its best, and at its worst — a horror film. COVID-19 has ... | Continue reading
It’s the debate that just won’t die: is The Silence of the Lambs a Christmas movie? Naysayers say “nay” and they say “nay” because it’s a movie wit... | Continue reading
Men, are you tired of being treated like a goddamned cuck by the CHINAVIRUS? Pissed off that Olive Garden won’t let you inside unless you’re wearin... | Continue reading
Dear Santa Claus,While I understand that your home is melting and you do not have many Christmases left, it is most imperative that you stay in th... | Continue reading
Donald Trump's Spotify Wrapped 2020 | Continue reading