We used to get Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies from a little window at the back of the junior-high cafeteria. They were 25 cents and the second th... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
1. Gather your guns and place them in the government-approved rainbow trash bag. The bag should have arrived in your mailbox attached to your mail-... | Continue reading
“The White House on Monday released the report of the presidential 1776 Commission, a sweeping attack on liberal thought and activism that calls fo... | Continue reading
“The White House on Monday released the report of the presidential 1776 Commission, a sweeping attack on liberal thought and activism that calls fo... | Continue reading
Hey, Ted! It’s me, OLD GUY. I’m reaching out to you, my creator, to better understand my character.Your depiction of a legendary ad agency in decl... | Continue reading
Democrats’ proposal to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour will be an absolute disaster for small businesses like my own, Gruel & Unusual Foo... | Continue reading
"The first version on the breaking news story on the BBC News website carried the headline: ‘Talented but flawed producer Phil Spector dies aged 81... | Continue reading
“President Donald Trump is preparing to issue around 100 pardons and commutations on his final full day in office Tuesday, according to three peopl... | Continue reading
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To smileSimple past: I smiled.Present: I smize behind my mask.Present continuous: I am squinting jovially and half-nodding at strangers on the s... | Continue reading
These past two weeks have been dark. And I know a thing or two about darkness, because I’m the prince of it. And while I enjoy chaos and carnage as... | Continue reading
Reading the beautiful, longing, inspired poems in Blizzard, Henri Cole’s new book, I marvel that, no matter the subject — from peeling potatoes, to... | Continue reading
IntroductionYou know when you look up an online recipe, only to sift through a mountain of pointless information just to get to the only section y... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
“I urge my colleagues to vote against this divisive impeachment and realize that dividing America will not save this Republic. I urge my colleagues... | Continue reading
This restaurant commissioned me to create a structure that would allow its patrons to dine comfortably in cold and inclement weather while still ke... | Continue reading
“Democrats are gonna impeach the president for a second time, one week before he leaves office. Why? Politics, and the fact that they want to cance... | Continue reading
1. Trip2. Chip3. Bo/Beau4. Sandy5. Buffy6. Chase7. Hunter8. Tucker9. Scooter10. Sparky11. Trent12. Bentley13. Tanner14. Trace- - -Tru... | Continue reading
The poet Yi Lei became famous in 1987 when she published a poem about female sexual desire in a time when cohabitation before marriage was still il... | Continue reading
“Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) denounced protesters seen clashing with police outside the Capitol as droves of pro-Trump demonstrators descended on Wash... | Continue reading
“Republican Senator Roy Blunt from Missouri said Trump’s actions on the day of the capitol attack were ‘reckless,’ but he says he should finish out... | Continue reading
1. Doubting that the nightmare is really, truly over.2. Praying that whatever vestiges of civility are left will last until the January 20 deadlin... | Continue reading
Goldilocks and the Three BearsOne day, a salaryman named Tatsuhiro receives a phone call from a stranger who calls herself Goldilocks. Her voice r... | Continue reading
“Any attempt to impeach President Trump would not only be unsuccessful in the Senate but would be a dangerous precedent for the future of the presi... | Continue reading
“The US has recorded over 4,000 COVID-19 deaths in one day for the first time” — SBS News, 1/8/21- - -Guys, look, I love human sacrifice. You know... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
“We are living Orwell’s 1984.” — Donald Trump Jr. after Twitter permanently suspended his father’s account for inciting violence.- - -It’s finally... | Continue reading
Hey, it’s me, Dry January. The one you pledged abstinence to. Look, I know you had honest intentions. I heard you when you vowed to make up for dri... | Continue reading
This week has been trying for us all.1 While I don’t want to let the incident at the Capitol overshadow all of our accomplishments,2 it’s made me l... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
CostParis: An expensive, once in a lifetime experience.Me: A $20 experience you can do most weekends and every other Tuesday when I’m not working... | Continue reading
Fellow citizens, after a long and contentious election season, it appears that tensions are peaking among Americans dissatisfied with how the resul... | Continue reading
“Fearful that Trump could take actions resulting in further violence and death if he remains in office even for a few days, senior administration o... | Continue reading
Mobs invaded the U.S. Capitol building yesterday, but us Republicans got to confirm more than 220 white male judges who want to force women to give... | Continue reading
Yesterday, an attempted coup d’état was thwarted in Washington D.C. — the capital of the globe’s largest military power. Once considered the shinin... | Continue reading
Though I am a great admirer of tradition and possess extraordinary respect for the way things have always been done, I am not above changing my way... | Continue reading
Hey teachers, I know it’s been a struggle to communicate with your students ever since you moved to remote learning this spring. At first, you were... | Continue reading
Day 1: Can smile at your mother-in-law even if she is sitting inexplicably close to your exposed nipples.1 month: Can embrace total inaction when ... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
To our beloved Efficient Solutions Inc. family —Exciting news! Today is the first day of our new head of human resources: The Incinerator 850.Man... | Continue reading
“I just want to find 11,780 votes, which is one more than we have. Because we won the state… I only need 11,000 votes. Fellas, I need 11,000 votes.... | Continue reading
Here at Time, we made several major changes in 2020. Now that 2021 is here, we’re rolling out a brand new set of regulations.A MinuteA minute use... | Continue reading
You finally did it. You cleaned the whole house. Every laundry basket is empty. Every countertop, decluttered. Every nook and every cranny—swept, S... | Continue reading
It was QUITE a year, and our most-read pieces provide a time capsule of sorts that records all the ups and downs, and downs, and way, way downs of... | Continue reading
Q: Mr. 20—2020: Please, Mr. 20 is my father. Call me Greg.Q: Many observers have deemed you perhaps the worst Year ever. How do you respond?2... | Continue reading
Our 5th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published April 30, 2020.- - -I’m the unnamed girl from Avril Lavigne’s 2002 hit, “Sk8er Boi” ... | Continue reading
Our 7th most-read article of 2020.- - -Originally published February 19, 2020.- - -It’s tough being a toddler. Having your every need met doesn’... | Continue reading