The best excuse I’ve heard lately wasn’t really an excuse so much as an explanation that absolutely nobody asked for. As it turns out, all roads eventually lead to a pineapple. Which is not a sentence I expected to write today. To be fair, I also wasn’t expecting to spend last Sa … | Continue reading
So, the writing prompt asks, “What’s a piece of technology you’re convinced will exist in twenty years?” Twenty years. That’s a long time. I think it’s pretty optimistic of us to assume we’re still going to have electricity in twenty years. At the rate we’re going, I don’t think … | Continue reading
You would never guess that I used to actively seek out chaos. I mean, today, I look exactly like the kind of person who mentally prepares for a trip to Target like I’m invading Normandy. I get stressed when someone parks in my grocery store parking spot, as though I personally ow … | Continue reading
So, after my guinea pig rant, I thought I might write something a little more simple and upbeat. You know, to give you lovely readers a break. It’s the 4th of July here in the U.S. And honestly, if you can just ignore the 104-degree heat that feels like living inside a toaster ov … | Continue reading
The writing prompt today is “What’s a lesson you’ve learned recently that shifted your perspective?” and honestly, right off the bat, I feel attacked. My perspective is fine, thank you very much. It’s built on a rock solid foundation of panic and low-grade dread, and it hasn’t fa … | Continue reading
Today’s question is, “What do you do to improve your sleep?” and frankly, I find the question offensive. But if you must know, my current sleep strategy consists of being a night owl until about 3:00 AM, getting a light dusting of unconsciousness, and then waking up for work feel … | Continue reading
Today’s prompt asks, “What’s the best way to deal with negative thoughts?” Well. You’ve certainly come to the right person. If I know anything, I know negative thoughts. I may have mentioned it, but I have anxiety. Not just one anxiety, either. Apparently my brain believes in co … | Continue reading
So with today’s writing prompt, I’m meant to answer “What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?” Which is hilarious. Because my gut isn’t some wise, mystical oracle. My gut is just a tight little ball of localized panic. The administrative nightmar … | Continue reading
What’s something you used to believe as a kid that seems ridiculous now? At first, I figured I’d go with one of the classics. The Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy. The idea that if you swallowed a watermelon seed, you’d end up growing a watermelon in your stomach. Which, now that I … | Continue reading
If I could change the ending of Romeo and Juliet, I’d have to start at the beginning. I’d introduce basic communication skills, a smattering of responsible parenting, and possibly a chaperone. Despite what my English Lit professor would have you believe, Romeo and Juliet is not a … | Continue reading
If I could give someone younger than me one piece of advice, it would be… well, first of all, they’re not going to listen. I know this because I didn’t listen. I don’t remember taking a single piece of advice from an older person when I was young. I remember people giving me advi … | Continue reading
What’s your top tip to be successful in life? Okay, WordPress. Slow down. I mean, people love asking this question because they expect some profound answer. Wake up at 4:30 a.m. Manifest abundance. Drink green juice. Read seventeen books a week. Network with billionaires. Become … | Continue reading
My ex used to get so irritated at me because I had a habit of stopping for basically anything that looked remotely like it might be struggling in nature. Turtle in the road? Obviously I’m pulling over. Bird on the ground? Emergency situation. Snake, squirrel, frog, baby bunny, po … | Continue reading
Do I think humans will ever colonize Mars? Probably. Especially since we seem bound and determined to destroy the planet we currently live on. Not to mention, humans have a long history of claiming things that weren’t theirs in the first place. Continents. Islands. Resources. Par … | Continue reading
I’m apparently supposed to know how to build loyal subscribers. Because I have a blog. By the same logic, if you own a bird feeder, you should understand birds. I do not understand birds. I understand that they arrive. They eat. They leave. Sometimes they scream for reasons known … | Continue reading
WordPress prompts are getting serious. We’re on proverbs today. Proverbs look great embroidered on pillows or printed on motivational posters, but are they really all that? Because “follow your dreams” is hard to take seriously when my dreams mostly involve panic, poor decision-m … | Continue reading
Spoiler alert: nobody knows the meaning of life. You can’t say we don’t try, though. Oh, we try. Humanity has spent thousands of years inventing increasingly elaborate explanations for why we’re here. Religion, philosophy, self-help books, wellness influencers who look aggressive … | Continue reading
It should come as no surprise that I have concerns about certain words. I mean, sure, some words are fine. They’re dependable little workhorses of language. “Chair.” “Toast.” “Tuesday.” They show up, do their job, and leave. No fuss. No attention-seeking. And then there are words … | Continue reading
A simple pleasure? Well, I suppose the obvious answer is coffee, but that feels too broad. That’s like saying your favorite part of being alive is “oxygen.” No, the genuine pleasure is making a cup of coffee and then remembering, with the sort of quiet ecstasy usually reserved fo … | Continue reading
It’s strange what information school decides is important. Because somehow I spent years learning about wars, several presidents with identical facial hair, and at least nine different dudes named Henry, yet nobody mentioned that Gladys West is the reason GPS exists. That seems r … | Continue reading
Life throws you lemons. It’s an inescapable fact of… well, life. And at some point, you’re going to need someone who can help you decide between lemonade and a whiskey sour. I have a small, but very select, highly discerning circle for just such an occasion. It’s my cat, Luffy. … | Continue reading
WordPress wants to know if I vote in political elections. First of all, I didn’t realize there were non-political elections available to me. Have I been ignoring the “Best Supporting Cousin” midterms or “Most Likely to Finally Fix Their Sleep Schedule” primary? Was there a refere … | Continue reading
WordPress and motivational speakers love to ask, “When do you feel most productive?” It’s always framed like the only correct answer involves waking up at 5 a.m., drinking hot lemon water, and journaling my intentions while the sun gently applauds me. In case you were wondering… … | Continue reading
There’s always a moment when action presents itself like an overenthusiastic volunteer, and you, for reasons that feel entirely valid at the time, decline. Mine involved a meeting. Not an important one. No lives were at stake. No treaties were being signed. It was one of those me … | Continue reading
The writing prompt today asked for the first thing that came to mind, which feels like a system with very few safeguards. Okay, I’ll bite. The first thing that came to mind was: do stairs ever feel smug? Not structurally. Emotionally. Because if you think about it, stairs are jus … | Continue reading
I once made a decision that really helped me grow as a person. Unfortunately, that decision was getting married. I stayed for 18 years, which is either real commitment to personal development or poor time management. I didn’t just stay. I excelled. If marriage had performance rev … | Continue reading
People are always talking about “finding joy in the little things.” Which sounds lovely, until you realize the “little things” are doing most of the heavy lifting. I mean, no one’s out here being sustained by life’s grand moments. Those happen, what, twice a year? If you’re lucky … | Continue reading
I have a complicated relationship with animals. On one hand, I fully understand that some of them could kill me. On the other hand, I would still like to pet them. This is not a well-thought-out stance. It’s more of a reflex of the heart. Because truly, all animals are amazing. E … | Continue reading
Every year around Easter, I’m reminded of two things: 1. Jelly beans are a gamble, and 2. I have missed my true calling. Because while some people are out here reflecting on the meaning of the holiday, I’m standing in the seasonal aisle thinking, I could absolutely do this for a … | Continue reading
What are my morning rituals? Oh, you mean the daily courtroom drama where I, the plaintiff, file a formal complaint against going to work… and also the defendant, who is somehow still required to show up? My alarm goes off and immediately it’s chaos. Not outside. Inside my brain. … | Continue reading
If I could have any secret power, I would not choose something noble like healing people or saving the planet. I mean, I should because it’s the right thing to do. But who am I kidding? I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. I would choose Piper Halliwell’s freezing and b … | Continue reading
My favorite type of weather is whatever weather they’re having in Ireland. Or Italy. Basically anywhere that is not here and comes with a reasonably priced house and an ocean view. Or an emerald green view. With sheep. I’ve started looking at houses in other countries online, whi … | Continue reading
Negative feelings are interesting because they show up uninvited and immediately start rearranging the furniture in your brain. You’ll be having a perfectly normal day. Drinking coffee. Minding your business. Maybe even feeling… good. And suddenly your brain is like, “Remember th … | Continue reading
I’m not superstitious. I just think it’s smart not to insult ghosts, wander into fairy rings, or follow mysterious whistling noises into the woods. You know. Basic common sense. For example, I don’t necessarily believe in ghosts. However, if I’m walking down a dark hallway, I wil … | Continue reading
I didn’t choose the raccoon life. The raccoon life looked at my personality, my decision-making skills, and my anxiety level and said, “Yeah. That one.” Some people say their spirit animal is a wolf or an eagle. Strong. Majestic. Symbolic of leadership and wisdom. Meanwhile, I’m … | Continue reading
Dear 100-Year-Old Me, Quick question. Was it worth it? You know the things I’m talking about. The decisions that had the same energy as watching a kid climb higher on the playground equipment while the adult – never moving from their bench on the sidelines – says, “You’re gonna r … | Continue reading
Some people can decide to do a thing and then simply do the thing. I assume these people are highly organized or possibly magical. I am not these people. I’m not even talking about a big thing. I mean a very small thing. A thing that should take two minutes. Like having a cup of … | Continue reading
I recently learned that waffle irons are, in fact, hot on the outside. You’d think that would be obvious. You’d think I would have absorbed that information sometime in the last few decades of living on Earth. But no. Apparently my brain said, “The inside is hot. The outside is d … | Continue reading
“Are you okay?” I know it’s usually meant to be kind. I know it’s a perfectly normal question. But “Are you okay?” is never asked when you are, in fact, okay. No one walks up to a woman eating a sleeve of Oreos in her car and says, “You look like you’re having a good […] | Continue reading
This past weekend I decided I was going to be productive. Not fake-productive. Not “I opened a tab and stared at it” productive. Proper adult productive. So I made a list. It had one item on it. Laundry. That’s it. That was the ambition. Not “learn Italian.” Not “redecorate the l … | Continue reading
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of an expansive pantry must be in want of a cookie.” There. That’s the first line of my autobiography. It’s destined to be a bestseller. Or at the very least, something people buy in an airport because they’ve los … | Continue reading
Let’s talk about something I read today which was genuinely unsettling. Apparently, according to this food magazine, if your spices are older than six months, you should throw them out. Six months. Six. Months. Seriously? The Italian seasoning I bought when my ex was still just a … | Continue reading
You know what I’d tell my teenage self? Just… say fuck off more. Everything. Say fuck off to the boyfriend and take the AP classes he didn’t get into. Say fuck off to the girl who thought it was cute to put your backpack in the toilet. Maybe add in a right hook for good […] | Continue reading
Today’s prompt is “Have you unintentionally broken the law?” Well, first off, pretty presumptuous of you to assume it was unintentional. But we won’t get into all that… statute of limitations and such. Let’s just say, I have committed acts that fall somewhere between “mildly ille … | Continue reading
And don’t wear matching undies! Save it for tomorrow, ladies. Let’s just get through today like the sensible horror extras we are. No running upstairs, no investigating strange noises, and absolutely no saying “I’ll be right back.” Because if we survive today, there will be wine … | Continue reading
Okay, so I’ve been thinking lately that I’m kind of glad I no longer live in a rural area. I miss the quiet. I miss the stars. But city living does have its perks. Like restaurants that aren’t an hour away. DoorDash. Teachers who know what an okapi is. You know. Civilization. And … | Continue reading
“Do you need a break?” It’s such a strange question when you think about it. And people always ask it like it’s a gotcha, don’t they? Like they’ve caught you mid-collapse, clinging to the side of a cliff in business casual, whispering, “Tell my inbox I loved her.” “Do you need a … | Continue reading
People often assume fear involves roller coasters or cliff diving or being catapulted off a bridge by a guy named Kyle who insists, “Trust me.” And yes, that is terrifying and very much on my reverse bucket list. But today, we’re talking about a different kind of fear factor. The … | Continue reading