What a prompt today! Here I’ve been doing my best to follow these daily prompts like a responsible adult who writes things. “What harm can it do?” I thought. “Should be easy peasy,” I thought. Like a fool. And then along comes Do you practice religion? Oof. That’s heavy, man. Hea … | Continue reading
Life before the internet? As an OG Gen-Xer, I remember it all. People forget about Gen-X – we’re the middle child of generations, quietly babysitting both the Boomers and the Millennials while muttering “whatever” and making mixtapes. But we’re also the bridge generation. We grew … | Continue reading
What am I good at? Well, I could lie and say “Excel spreadsheets” or “being present,” but then I’d have to go to confession, and I’m not even Catholic. So let’s just be honest. First off: snacks. I am excellent at snacks. Not just eating them – but curating them. I’m the kind of … | Continue reading
Once upon a time – or maybe it was 1982, I wasn’t paying attention – someone decided women could have it all. And by “someone,” I mean a think tank made entirely of men named Brad, Chad, Thad, and Tad, who thought “work-life balance” meant putting your secretary’s birthday in you … | Continue reading
Look, I talk to people all the time. I talk to my kids, my friends, my cats (who’ve yet to respond, at least not politely), and the occasional cashier who clearly regrets asking me how my day’s going. But I sat down and gave this question a proper think – like, made-tea-and-every … | Continue reading
If we’re playing that game “What would you grab in a fire?” then I have bad news: I am 100% failing. I don’t have a go-bag. I don’t have a fire ladder. I don’t even have shoes near the bed. If my apartment went up in flames, I’d be that person outside in a bathrobe […] | Continue reading
When people ask if I collect anything, I like to smile mysteriously and say, “Yes. Regret.” Then I laugh and pretend it’s a joke – but it’s not, Gary. It’s not. I collect embarrassing moments like some people collect vintage buttons or porcelain dolls with dead eyes. Except my co … | Continue reading
I’ve always found the word legacy a bit intimidating, like it should come engraved in marble or written in calligraphy by someone who owns a swan. It sounds like something people leave behind when they’ve invented electricity, cured a disease, or died dramatically while shouting, … | Continue reading
I like cold weather, I do. But only for about a day. Maybe two, if I’m feeling generous. And if there’s pie involved. After that, it’s like, “Alright, I’ve had enough now, thank you very much.” See, here’s the thing, I don’t want to be cold. I want to observe the cold. Preferably … | Continue reading
So here’s what happened. Apparently, last week, I agreed to go to a thing. A real-life, outside-the-house, pants-required social event with people. And not just any people – the kind of people that remember birthdays and make eye contact and refer to group chats as “the fam.” And … | Continue reading
Right, so I was minding my business, as you do, scrolling through social media – which lately feels like rummaging through a bin marked “Laughter or Anguish? Spin to Win!” – when I stumbled across a trend. You know the ones. Someone films themselves giving a newborn a lemon for n … | Continue reading
We adopted a cat last year. Sounds heartwarming, doesn’t it? Like one of those TikToks where a frightened little creature gets rescued and becomes a snuggly little sunbeam chaser, all headbutts and doe-eyes. This is not one of those stories. His name is Luffy. Technically Monkey … | Continue reading
People love to say, “You’re going to miss this” when talking about parenting. Usually while you’re in the middle of a meltdown – yours or your toddler’s, take your pick. And at the time, you think, Sure, Brenda. I’ll miss the goldfish crackers in my bra and never peeing alone aga … | Continue reading
Lately, I’ve been leaning into poetry as another way to untangle the glorious chaos that is my mind. Some thoughts just demand to rhyme – or at least be dramatically whispered in lowercase. This one popped into my head while thinking about how so many of us would’ve been carted o … | Continue reading
You know how people say dating is fun? Those people are lying. They’re either sociopaths or they’ve been married since dial-up internet and just think dating sounds charming because they’ve forgotten how feral the dating pool actually is. I recently went on a date. Yes, an actual … | Continue reading
The other day, someone told me I need to “be more present.” Which sounded great. In theory. So, I thought why not try meditating? Why not indeed. I found a video called “Meditate with Me: You’re on a Calm Beach.” Not the first – and possibly not the biggest – lie of the day. I [… … | Continue reading
Have you heard of sleep hygiene? I’ve been getting ads for it all over my socials – no idea why. It’s not like I’ve been Googling “why am I awake at 3 a.m. thinking about that weird noise my car made in 2019.” Oh wait. First of all, why are we calling it hygiene? That […] | Continue reading
You’ll be shocked to hear this, but I went back to the diner. Now, I didn’t say I was there to see Earl and Frank again, because that would imply I was the kind of person who plans their day around eavesdropping on senior citizen drama. Which I am. But I don’t need to say […] | Continue reading
You know what’s humbling? Realizing at my age (which shall remain timeless, thank you very much—what the hell are you doing asking a woman her age anyway? Did your mother raise you in a barn?) that “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” has more than one verse. Multiple, in fact. Like a … | Continue reading
You know those motivational quotes people stick on mirrors? Things like “You’ve got this!” or “You are enough!” Yeah. I tried that once. Except mine fogged up and looked more like “You goat this.” Which… actually felt more honest, given my emotional state and the hair I hadn’t pl … | Continue reading
There’s a little diner in my town that’s been around since breakfast was invented. You know the kind—fake wood paneling, chipped mugs that proudly say “World’s Best Coffee” with the confidence of a man who wears black socks with sandals, and a menu laminated sometime during the N … | Continue reading
I haven’t ranted in a while, but then… voila! This gem of a story popped up on my Facebook feed. You know, sometimes the universe just hands you material on a silver platter, and today it came in the form of a hunter’s little escapade in Kentucky. Apparently, a bowhunter named Ki … | Continue reading
You ever send a text so catastrophically wrong that you immediately start planning your own disappearance? Not just leave the group chat wrong, but fake your death, assume a new identity, and open a small café in Portugal wrong? Because I have. One minute, I was minding my busine … | Continue reading
You ever have one of those mornings where you actually make an effort? I’m talking full hair routine, actual makeup, an outfit that doesn’t say “I’ve been emotionally checked out since 2017.” I even put on eyeliner. EYELINER. Now, that’s effort. And when I walked out the door, I … | Continue reading
So I read an article today that I just had to share. And by “share,” I mean “rant about with the fire of a thousand sleep-deprived dragons.” This woman—let’s call her Lucy (cause, I mean, that’s her name)—is genuinely proud that her kids behave like caffeinated raccoons in public … | Continue reading
I know customer service reps are just doing their jobs, but let’s be honest – some of them hate their jobs as much as I hate calling them. Which is probably why they answer the phone like I personally ran over their dog. The hold music alone is enough to break a person, but when … | Continue reading
Ah, the rare weekend when I have the whole house to myself. No noise, no interruptions – just me, basking in the glorious silence. It’s peaceful. Until I get hungry. Because that means cooking. And cooking for just me? That’s a one-person comedy show, except I’m both the struggli … | Continue reading
You ever witness a crime so egregious, so fundamentally unhinged, that you question whether the person responsible has ever interacted with society before? My daughter – my own flesh and blood – makes her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by putting the jelly on the bread first. … | Continue reading
You know that sinking feeling that hits right around 9 p.m. on a Sunday? The weekend’s gone, and you’re left clutching the crumbs of joy like the last sad Pringle at the bottom of the can. You spent two glorious days pretending responsibilities don’t exist, and now? Now the loomi … | Continue reading
Every Friday, I make big weekend plans. Productive plans. Proper adult plans. Plans that suggest I’m the kind of person who “makes the most of their time.” I will deep clean the apartment, finally organize that junk drawer (or, let’s be honest, junk room), and maybe – just maybe … | Continue reading
Ah, it’s that time of year again. The sun’s out, the temperatures are rising, and people are flocking to the gym like it’s some sort of religious pilgrimage. Yes, the annual quest for the elusive “beach body” is upon us. But as someone whose body is permanently in festive mode, I … | Continue reading
Well, well, well. Today we’re dusting off the vinyl record of double standards with Dion, the original king of mixed messages. First up, we’ve got “The Wanderer,” a bouncy little number about a guy who treats women like drive-thru orders – grab it, eat it, toss the wrapper out th … | Continue reading
Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. That time of year when Americans go absolutely feral for anything vaguely Irish – green beer, shamrock sunglasses, and attempting an Irish accent that, let’s be honest, sounds like a leprechaun who’s had a stroke. One of my favorite traditions is how certai … | Continue reading
Every once in a while, I dip my toes back into the murky waters of online dating. It always ends the same way – with me opening a bottle of Baileys, pouring it straight into my cereal, and muttering, “Well, I guess men are just feral now.” It’s honestly impressive how fast some o … | Continue reading
Tuesdays are the middle child of the work week. Some might think it’s Wednesday, but no. Monday – everyone hates Mondays. Wednesday – Hump Day, the week is on the decline. Woo! Thursday – almost Friday, like being next in line at the grocery store. Double woo! Friday… enough said … | Continue reading
I saw Jaws as a kid, and it changed me. Not in a deep, meaningful way – just in an “I still check swimming pools for sharks” way. Above-ground pool? Checked. Hotel pool? Double-checked. Bathtub? Not yet, but give me time. Because the day a shark does turn up in someone’s jacuzzi, … | Continue reading
I went for a massage the other day – wanted to treat myself, you know? Full disclosure, I don’t think I actually like massages. Don’t ask me why I went. I have no idea. I like the idea of a massage – like how I also like the idea of exercise, meal prepping, and flossing […] | Continue reading
There comes a moment in every person’s life when they realize, with the kind of shock usually reserved for horror movie basements, that they are, in fact, an adult. My moment? The day I found myself aggressively lecturing an empty room about the concept of electricity bills. Spec … | Continue reading
Dish towels are the unsung heroes of the kitchen. They wipe our hands, clean up spills, and occasionally double as makeshift oven mitts when we forget that 400-degree metal is, in fact, hot. Yet, in my house, they are treated less like functional items and more like an endangered … | Continue reading
Ah, finally – there’s a word for me. All this time, I thought I was just cranky and fueled by spite, but no – I’m a Terrorkobold. It’s nice to have an official diagnosis… I mean, title. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some unsuspecting villagers to glare at. Terrorkobold (n., Ge … | Continue reading
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor. . | Continue reading
You’d think bedtime would be simple, right? Just climb into bed, snuggle up, and drift off to sleep. But nope. The reality is more like a long, drawn-out drama that takes 45 minutes – and that’s on a good night. And no, I’m not exaggerating. I thought that after my kids were grow … | Continue reading
Binge-watching: the modern-day marathon where the only medal is dark circles under your eyes and an inexplicable craving for popcorn at 3 a.m. It’s a fine line we walk, isn’t it? One minute, you’re casually watching a show to unwind after a long day, and the next, you’re three se … | Continue reading
Horror movies. You either love them or you’re currently hiding under a blanket because of one. They’re thrilling, they’re terrifying, and they’re absolute rubbish when it comes to teaching you anything practical about home security. If you follow horror movie logic, your house wi … | Continue reading
I’ve been sick, and that means staying home and doing nothing except wallowing in my misery. And I don’t mean the elegant, swooning kind of misery you see in films. No, I’m talking about the pajamas-24/7, bedhead-spectacular, eating-cookies-straight-from-the-packet type of misery … | Continue reading
While the world is busy with *gestures vaguely*, I’ve decided to focus on something truly baffling: expiration dates. Because why worry about global chaos when I can obsess over whether my yogurt is trying to kill me? Expiration dates are one of life’s great mysteries. They’re pr … | Continue reading
Reality TV is a universe where everything is brighter, shinier, and completely bananas. I’ve got the bananas part down, but the rest? Not so much. Take any cooking show, for example. Strangers are thrown into a kitchen and within minutes are plating foie gras with a reduction sau … | Continue reading
Men always wonder why women go to the bathroom in pairs. They think it’s so we can talk about the date, gossip about that woman at the other table, or swap lipstick like some kind of seedy cosmetic cartel. Spoiler alert: none of that is true. The real reason we team up? Public ba … | Continue reading