1. Spirit Week continues into perpetuity. No theme will ever be repeated, and your children will need unique costumes every day for the rest of their lives. 2. Out of nowhere, you have another child you have no memory of giving birth to. He’s in third grade, and tomorrow is the f … | Continue reading
Hi, I’m wondering if I could interest you in a brand-new sparkling water brand. I don’t have a name for it, because it doesn’t yet exist. Every aspect of this product is still very early in the planning stage. But I can assure you that the name will probably be something fun and … | Continue reading
Once there was a girl named Jenny. She was like all the other girls, especially for this one thing: she always wore a black hair tie around her wrist. There was a boy named Alfred in her class. This made sense, as names from the 1900s had cycled back into fashion. Alfred liked Je … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
YOU’RE OVERDUE FOR A CLEANING! Jennifer at reception started having an affair with one of the dentists, and her husband will be storming into the office to confront them about it during your appointment. YOU’RE OVERDUE FOR A CLEANING! Our new latex gloves are churro-flavored. YOU … | Continue reading
I hear a lot of pie-in-the-sky utopian BS about education and equity and having an actual building that shields children from the elements. But when will parents and bleeding-heart liberals realize that the only way to save public education in this country is to turn every elemen … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, Let me start by saying I would never doubt … | Continue reading
The temperature is climbing, the flowers are poking their little heads out of the dirt, and soon the sidewalk will be riddled with nothing but exposed feet. Yes, feet season is coming. It’s time to prepare. It’s likely been a while since you’ve seen any feet up close, including y … | Continue reading
Well met, hale wanderer! You have journeyed through the Fiendish Greenwood, over the Sea of Knives, and across the Barren Plains of Evermore to reach the citadel ahead: the Academy of Arcane Knowledge! Owing to my ragged cloak and even more ragged beard, you no doubt believe I am … | Continue reading
Do Say: “Whoa, where is Uncle Tony?” Everyone will be saying this, so you’ll fit right in. Don’t Say: “He’s in a better place now.” Ordinarily, this would be a fine thing to say at a wake, but the context will make this land a little different. Yes, odds are, wherever his remains … | Continue reading
Orignally published April 10, 2020 - - - Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - It’s an … | Continue reading
Hi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t believe everything going on with this farkakte universe. Expanding and expanding and expanding, we can’t keep up! And all these bad thi … | Continue reading
“Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal, and pre … | Continue reading
“Trump’s newest venture? A $60 Bible. His Bible sales pitch comes as he appears to be confronting a significant financial squeeze, with his legal fees growing while he fights a number of criminal cases and lawsuits.” — New York Times - - - Genesis Adam calls his banishment from t … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
First person to go to space First person to walk on the moon First person to wait in the ship while other astronauts walked on the moon President Vice president Former president (non-disgraced) Decorated general National hero Local hero Singer of “Anti-Hero” Flew around the world … | Continue reading
Dear Students — I am sorry to say that I will need to cancel all classes for an indeterminate length of time while I work on doing my job. I realize you think that teaching is my job, but there are many other aspects to being a professor. In the unlikely event that you are curiou … | Continue reading
I was browsing the death literature the other day, and you know what they’re saying? It’s all about grip strength. It’s inversely correlated with mortality, meaning the stronger your grip, the longer you live. Yeah, you’ve been clenching all the wrong stuff. This got me thinking … | Continue reading
This Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter “Fan”), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids Crowds, Noise, and Congregated Delight (“Non-fan”), as a condition of Non-Fan’s attendance at a Live Musical Event (“Event”). RECITALS1 WHE … | Continue reading
GARY BUSEY: They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to learn to surf, infiltrate the local scene, and find out exactly who these guys are. ME: Great. I’ll get a boogie board. GARY: What? No! They won’t acc … | Continue reading
Hey there, it’s me. The CamelBak you bought in 2012 before a post-grad backpacking adventure. Remember that? You used to show me off to all your friends. I was a twenty-five-ounce, dishwasher-safe piece of proof of your commitment to the environment. You used to take me on trips. … | Continue reading
Agnes Callard is among the world’s most famous living philosophers, and certainly the one most likely to trend on your social media feed for a hot take or ill-advised poll (most recently, “Would you prefer to live the life of a slave owner, or the life of a slave?”) The Universit … | Continue reading
CHARLIE BROWN: Hey, Lucy. What’re you doing? LUCY: I’m going to kill my mother, Charlie Brown. CHARLIE BROWN: Why would you do something like that? LUCY: Because the land stinks, Charlie Brown. Nothing but sin grows down here—that’s why folks are so religious. And I figure it doe … | Continue reading
Read Act I - - - “Good Thing Going” (Merrily We Roll Along): You’re a hugger, and you look at everyone’s Instagram stories no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke. You can name all five original members of the Rat Pack. “Liaisons” (A Little Night Music): You have a clos … | Continue reading
The Wong-Baker Pain Rating Scale Adjusted for Ghostbusting | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
“Senators push to declassify TikTok intel and hold a public hearing ahead of ban vote.” — NPR, 3/21/24 - - - Fellow Senators, I implore you to vote yes on this bill to ban TikTok, a social media platform that threatens to throw our extremely normal media ecosystem into chaos. We … | Continue reading
Prior to my adventure, I am assigned a primitive survival rating (PSR) by a team of experts. I have never been camping or hunting, and if I have to pee while hiking, I will turn around and drive forty-five minutes into town to a public restroom. Even so, I have combat skills and … | Continue reading
Dear White Person Who Just Found Out I’m Puerto Rican, I’m Puerto Rican, and that’s going to come up in conversation with me. The reveal could look like a few different things, including an anecdote about my father, a comment about race, or a warning for you to stop saying the th … | Continue reading
When do you start calling the person you are dating “babe”? Psychologist and philosopher William James called this the single greatest question about human relationships. Thinkers and scientists have studied the issue relentlessly, and here are their findings. On the first date: … | Continue reading
The second semester of my freshman year of college, I found Jesus. When it happened—it being when I came before the saints and admitted I was a sinner in need of a savior—all I could think about was how happy my mother would be. She’d been sending (tithing) her good, hard-earned … | Continue reading
Welcome and/or welcome back. Looking to sign up for a subscription? Or maybe you’re already a subscriber? Either way, go ahead and type your email address in the box below. What’s that? Do I recognize you? That’s a good one. Ha ha. Go ahead and type your email address in the box. … | Continue reading
Table Settings for
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As the editor of a content mill that generates great articles every 4.2 seconds, like “Five Hacks for Your Roku” and “Seven Hacks for Your Roku,” I feel the need to take a stand against the rise of AI articles and the threat they pose to my team of human writers, who we treat lik … | Continue reading
I get it. Pickleball ruined your neighborhood. Tennis courts are completely booked, people you once called friends now go “dinking,” and that incessant popping sound from a plastic ball echoes off suburban walls like circling birds of prey waiting to close in on your sanity. But … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
We’re like the early seasons of Great British Bake Off, where everyone helped each other and drank tea while they waited for things to finish baking and occasionally got berated by an older white man who is creepy toward some of the women. We’re like a group of high school friend … | Continue reading
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde A young man of beauty and grace Tries to shield his good name from disgrace. He looks like a saint While he withers in paint, But he still finds himself losing face. Dracula by Bram Stoker A solicitor pays his respects To a count whom no … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Marmee, I always hoped I would be just like you when I became a mother. I dreamed that … | Continue reading
It was a gloomy morning, fifth century, and I was nursing a hangover that felt like I’d been worked over by a shillelagh with something to prove. I was just about to take a shot of holy water—hair of the God that blessed me—when he walked in. I should have known he was trouble. T … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - So what would happen when an ancient fuckin’ viking behrsehrkah would go behrsehrk is he’d fuckin’ go behrsehrk! N’ in ohrdah tah go behrsehrk he’d wohrk himself up intah a huge fuckin’ rage. Maybe he’d even bite down on his shield a little if he had one n … | Continue reading
Art by Kat Schober. | Continue reading
Well, we guess the cat’s out of the bag—or as we say around these parts, the door is off the plane: we have been sending aircraft into the sky that are not sky-worthy. Frankly, they’re barely ground-worthy. And you probably heard that the whistleblower who raised all those qualit … | Continue reading
Dear Lord, Before we begin, we just want to thank you for, well, everything. For the air we breathe, the water we drink, the other waters we fish and boat on, dominion over all birds, beasts, and creeping things, and for promising all of it to us, the meek of the earth. However, … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
EMPLOYEE: You see any good penises lately? SECOND EMPLOYEE: It’s Tuesday. So, yes. EMPLOYEE: Me too. Our whole job is to look at, then discuss penises at a professional level. SECOND EMPLOYEE: Yes, we’re just professionals who study penises and then have meetings to discuss what … | Continue reading
Hey, thanks for coming out here. Yeah, we’ve been having trouble with this bathroom sink. So, uh, you know, have at it. I’m still here, by the way. Not, like, here here—I’ve backed up enough to give you what feels like a healthy amount of personal space. But I am still close enou … | Continue reading