We hold this truth to be self-evident: We are sick of this shit. We have established that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That when any branch of government becomes … | Continue reading
I am beyond pleased to see that the Supreme Court is strictly honoring the sacred legal analysis of constitutional authors like myself, Gouverneur Morris, an esteemed American statesman who died horribly in 1816 because I shoved a piece of whalebone in my dick. It is clear from t … | Continue reading
Oh, you’re heading to the bathroom to pee? Hold on, buddy. Let’s not do anything crazy. We have a good thing going here. As long as you’re standing next to me, I’m a normal person at a party. The second you walk away, you destroy everything. One careless move by you, like going t … | Continue reading
Oh, look who’s here! And so soon too. We’ve been having a blast. See how your kids are playing outside with my kids, who are also outside? Trampoline, tetherball, chaos tag—they’re going to sleep well tonight. A second ago, we were having a competition to see who could yell out t … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
We here at Clarity Cosmetics are thrilled to announce the rollout of our debut skin-care oil. Our new anti-aging, blemish-reducing serum will have your skin looking better and more youthful than ever. There are, however, a few things we’d like to get ahead of regarding this produ … | Continue reading
“Mrs. Robinson, are you stuck in the dryer?” — The Graduate (1967) “You’re gonna need a boat. Wait, are we on a boat? Fuck, I’m so high right now.” — Jaws (1976) “Leave the gun, take the never-ending breadsticks.” — The Godfather (1972) “There’s no crying in baseball, unless it’s … | Continue reading
You may have heard that the reason shelves aren’t stocked with a hundred kinds of tampons right now is due to forces vexing the global economy. Like fuel costs, labor shortages, and the supply chain. But really, it’s our fault. We can’t stop making tampon crafts. Yes, we know the … | Continue reading
Joyce spent twenty-nine thousand hours writing Ulysses. Vonnegut spent twenty-three years writing Slaughterhouse Five. Hemingway rewrote The Sun Also Rises fifty times. “Really great fun,” Wodehouse said of his time in a German internment camp. When he was twelve years old, Dicke … | Continue reading
“Former Trump White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified on Tuesday that former President Trump was so upset that then-Attorney General William Barr dismissed claims of widespread election fraud that he threw his lunch at the wall in the West Wing dining room… ‘I first noticed … | Continue reading
We are an anti-abortion couple, and we are here to save you. Because if you agree not to have an abortion, we will adopt your baby for you. You just found out you’re five weeks pregnant, and although the fetus growing inside you is barely the size of a sesame seed, we’d like you … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
Look, I’m right there with you—the current version of the United States Supreme Court has made some pretty bad decisions recently. But here’s the thing: if you take a moment, step back, and look at the big picture, you’ll see that the rest of their decisions have also been bad. I … | Continue reading
Dan Pasternack grew up in Los Angeles in the 1970s and ’80s, voraciously consuming Looney Tunes cartoons, Marx Brothers’ movies, old-time radio shows, the Dr. Demento radio show, and stand-up comedians on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He went on to become a stand-up comic … | Continue reading
McSweeney’s supports the Brigid Alliance, a nonprofit that for five years has provided travel, food, lodging, child care, and other logistical support for people who need to travel to access safe abortion. Founded in 2017, the Brigid Alliance has seen the need for their services … | Continue reading
Hey, America, it’s us, the Supreme Court of the United States. We heard you shouting outside our houses that one time, which was really scary. But we’re ready to have a conversation now, by which we mean, we’re ready to talk and we hope you’re ready to listen. We understand that … | Continue reading
“House Democrats called ‘f***ing useless’ for singing ‘God Bless America’ by Capitol after Roe ruling.” – The Independent 6/25/22 - - -Great job singing on the steps, everyone! I know it was a sad occasion, but you all really rocked it out there. Getting that performance together … | Continue reading
We can agree that the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was a shock to us all. Who could have predicted the recent events our supporters have been predicting would happen for years? And honestly, it’s disappointing to find out that our friends across the aisle have … | Continue reading
These are the generations of Jesus Christ. My grandmother begat my mother, my mother begat me, and I begat Jesus, but Jesus didn’t beget crap-all, so I had to rely on my other kids to give me grandchildren. Now, in those days, there was much sexism and much stoning of women who “ … | Continue reading
At long last, we here at the GOP have finally achieved our goals of forcing women to give birth and allowing more people to have guns. This master plan perfectly combines our two passions: our steadfast belief that women shouldn’t have control over their own bodies, and our distu … | Continue reading
My dastardly and despicable reign as a supervillain has been filled with the most creatively vile plans: space lasers to boil the oceans, weather machines to freeze the sun, even time machines to change the course of history. But none have helped me achieve world domination. Now, … | Continue reading
“Signaling a shift that will reverberate nationwide, the Supreme Court ruled 6 to 3 to strike down New York’s gun law, likely limiting the ability of state and local governments to restrict guns outside the home.” – New York Times, 6/23/22 - - -ON WRIT OF CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED … | Continue reading
Hello, Disney Adults and Assorted Alphabet People — Every June, we at the House of Mouse use LGBTQ+ Pride Month to be proud of our best deeds as your allies. From our first openly g-y character (legal has advised us not to write the g-word in full, in compliance with Florida law) … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
Dear Teachers — Congrats on such a successful year for the music program. I’ve heard that everyone loved the concerts and the halftime shows. The students are still talking about how much fun they had on the end-of-year trip funded entirely through your candy bar sales. Plus, you … | Continue reading
1. You have been questioning what you are doing with your life for the past two years. 2. You have the impulse to make out with a lot of people. 3. You are looking for work. 4. Your family just doesn’t seem to get it. 5. You fell asleep while watching cartoons. 6. You feel like y … | Continue reading
Our friend Jay Hopler passed away on June 15, 2022. We’ll use this space to post memories and tributes to Jay by those who knew him. - - -I first met Jay Hopler in 2004, when he was a finalist for the Yale Series of Younger Poets Prize. Like others who were finalists during my ti … | Continue reading
Dear White People, Hello, and welcome to my special world. I am Indian, and as many of you have already surmised, I have an amazing skill. I know every other Indian in the world. How else could it be that upon meeting me, and recognizing—from my characteristic countenance, dead-g … | Continue reading
“A quarter of Republicans view the January 6 attack as justified. Republicans are also more likely to blame left-wing activists than Trump supporters for the riot.” — The Washington Post - - -As the January 6th Committee’s public hearings grip our nation, we wholly condemn the De … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
- - -Jay Hopler, 51, award-winning poet and translator, was himself translated from one register of existence to another on June 15, 2022. He died at his home in Salt Lake City, Utah, one week after the publication of his third collection of poetry, Still Life, which he began wri … | Continue reading
Hey, honey, it’s me, Dad. Decades of Father’s Day gifts from you have proven that you know only one thing about me: that I identify as a male. You’ve given me literally eight ties, even though surely the only time you’ve seen me wear one was at Poppy’s funeral. I don’t remember w … | Continue reading
The tone of David Baker’s poems is appealing. By which I mean beautiful, but also something more specific than that; they make a sound that’s believable, intelligent, humane, self-aware but not self-absorbed, mysterious, and stranger each time you hear it. After the bounty of Swi … | Continue reading
Hot Dog Ingredients: 1 hot dog 1 bun Directions: 1. Poke holes in the hot dog because otherwise, it might explode. 2. Put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. 3. Put hot dog in bun. 4. Boom! That’s all you need to do! - - -Stir Fry! Ingredients: Oh man, just go down to the sup … | Continue reading
Assume your audience has the same deep knowledge of local landmarks and geography as you. Deny the existence of digital mapping technology. Ask your audience whether they’re “looking to take Route 24,” as if they know what you’re talking about. Be reminded of a story about your f … | Continue reading
Home for Father's Day Jorts Bingo | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
Jeep Quoquam, Déan rud ar bith. Go anywhere, do anything. Quoquam, Déan rud ar bith. Top onsa! Top offsa! Doors onsa! Doors offsa! Ho ho ho! Invariably the individual who finds themselves in a metallic cavern with leatherette upholstery finds themselves waving to and fro with the … | Continue reading
We know health care can seem complicated, but with your new GoFundMe PPO, it doesn’t have to be. Once you’ve hit your deductible and out-of-pocket max, Blue Cross will automatically launch your GoFundMe campaign, so you can get the coverage you need. At this point, you may be say … | Continue reading
What’s common, nearly erased, ugly, or individual in the absurd theater of collective reality—these are the sources of beauty in Jesús Castillo’s poetry. What Remains, his cool and gorgeous monolithic first book, worked with a single repeated shape—forming a wall of text, page af … | Continue reading
When I learned two gay families would be part of my kid’s first-grade class, I tried to stay open-minded. But with school winding down and pride month ramping up, I must blow the lid off the perverse way these gay dads molested my values—by being so goddamn boring all year. It st … | Continue reading
Forget snorting that Snoo and huffing that Nugget. This is the real stuff. It’s expensive, it’s addictive, it’s impossible to get your hands on, and the government definitely doesn’t want you to have it: it’s called daycare. The first time I tried daycare—my kid contentedly tucke … | Continue reading
Jay Hopler, poet of Florida and storms and Rome and roosters, has published three books, a trilogy of elegies. In the first, Green Squall, he records—among many other meditations—a father dying and a mother “going / Crazy over it.” Yet the book is as funny and delirious—language- … | Continue reading
“In an interview with The Sunday Times, author James Patterson lamented the struggle he says white men now face finding writing jobs in film, theater, TV, and publishing industries. He called it ‘just another form of racism’ … ‘What’s that all about?’ Patterson asked rhetorically … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
Wearing a glove Not wearing a glove Wearing two gloves Holding a beer Drinking a beer Drinking two beers Drinking two beers while wearing a glove Drinking two beers while wearing two gloves Holding a baby Holding a sleeping baby Holding two babies while wearing a glove and drinki … | Continue reading
Hello, councilors. My name is Dave or something. I’m here on behalf of many well-groomed libertarians to speak with you about our new app, SPRUNK. SPRUNK streamlines parking by making everyone use an app that doesn’t work. SPRUNK will work with Apple Pay, but not really. SPRUNK—o … | Continue reading
If Venice, Italy is the height of the sublime, then Venice, Florida—an ironic bestowal probably meant in earnest by some town father—may well be a kind of miniature American parody of the Queen of the Adriatic. The music of such earnest irony is the matter that Ange Mlinko makes … | Continue reading