Running is great. Running will make you look and feel great. When you are a running runner, you will wake up early every morning to run. You will jump out of bed early and you will throw on your new sweat-wicking technical outfit and you will cruise down your driveway into the de … | Continue reading
TO: All Fifth Grade Parents SUBJECT: Supply return Please be aware that we will be sending home all supplies, workbooks, and items we really should have just thrown away. If your child cannot carry everything home, you can stop by after 4 p.m. on the last day to collect their bel … | Continue reading
We politicize every kind of tragedy these days, and it disgusts me. Take, for instance, this latest terrible thing that just happened. It’s awful—incomprehensible, even! But why do we need to bring politics into it? Because it’s the only way to make sweeping, long-term change? De … | Continue reading
After numerous failed petitions and fruitless lobbying for our own health and safety, we, the herbaceous dinosaurs of Jurassic Park, have unionized. We demand safe living conditions and support systems to improve our survivability and buoy our sanity in the wake of repeated, dead … | Continue reading
Please, children, hand me your trash. I love trash. The stickier, the better. If you have junk and the bin is too far away, I am your person. I am uniquely qualified within this family to place waste into various receptacles. This is my passion. This is what I live for. Has your … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
I haven’t been to a Chuck E. Cheese since my kids ditched the franchise for the mall and Chipotle. I drive past one almost every day and still get a little misty-eyed. I miss the instant-print images of my kids as cheerleaders or hockey players. I miss the excitement of a cup of … | Continue reading
Job Description Our archaic and perpetually mismanaged company is looking to bring in a Junior Office Scapegoat for immediate hire. Consistently operating with innate flaws and a toxic culture, our company has managed to scrape by as a faint industry presence through routines tha … | Continue reading
Be slow in choosing plans, but fast in canceling them. Get out while the going is good, or bad, or any kind of vibe, really. Better never than late. To err is human; to “umm” fills the awkward silence. Look before you leap… into small talk. It takes two to tango but one to fake a … | Continue reading
It’s a little bittersweet when your child graduates from high school active-shooter drills. I know I should be happy she’s moving on to new challenges, adventures, and university-level massacre-prevention measures, but I can’t help but feel a little sad too. Seems like only yeste … | Continue reading
Having your own personal shopper hand-select pieces to fit your life and your unique aesthetic makes it easy to look your best, even with your busy playdate schedule. To get you started, please take a few minutes to complete our style questionnaire. 1. How do you feel about cloth … | Continue reading
Confronted with a terminal cancer diagnosis, Jay Hopler—author of the National Book Award-finalist The Abridged History of Rainfall—got to work. The result of that undertaking is Still Life, a collection of heartbreaking, spine-stiffening, and darkly mirthful poems. This work is … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
I, Sterling Mulbry, the current tenant of Apartment 6, hereby wish to renew the lease of said apartment for another twelve-month period. While it was gracious of you, my landlord, to raise my rent only by 45 percent, an increase of $1,500 per month, I am proposing to keep the ren … | Continue reading
Nine women sit quietly in the waiting room. Yacht rock plays in the background. A Colombian teen in glasses starts anxiously—and yet rhythmically—tapping her foot. MIRABEL: Listen, I don’t mean to be nosy, but is anyone else here freezing her eggs? My abuela keeps pressuring me, … | Continue reading
Holy Christ in blue heaven, something’s got to change when it comes to putting our children in harm’s way, in the one place they should feel safe, all because of our inability to control books. We’ve been patient up to this point, but goddammit, I’ve boiled over like instant whit … | Continue reading
Hello. My name is Peggy, and I am the kestrel falcon that you have been researching on your computer for two hours because I live on the roof outside your bedroom. I know I look all majestic as the striped feathers on my chest waft in the breeze, but the truth is, I haven’t felt … | Continue reading
I have lumbered where you have lumbered, writhed where you have writhed. I was once, too, of bloated corpulence. Mnahn’, I get it. You have all these plans to get your dripping dominion back on track, but then you succumb to all the usual quotidian distractions like rekindling yo … | Continue reading
In the beginning, there was a group of friends, and their opinions were without form and void, and at parties they had nothing to say. And the New Yorker said, “Let there be think pieces.” And the friends read the think pieces, and saw that they were good. And immediately accepte … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
Greetings, friend! Welcome to our apartment. As you’ll notice by the abundance of natural light, condo-like finishes, and general lack of humidity, it’s much nicer than yours. Please, make yourself at home. Did you see the doorkeeper on the way in? He saw you. He texted us when y … | Continue reading
I think we can all agree the world is ending. As such, I’m choosing to spend my precious remaining time celebrating the rich mosaic of experiences the world has to offer. I’m a longtime La Croix adherent. You could say I’m part of the La Croix hoi polloi. These beverage wizards u … | Continue reading
“The ‘Star Wars’ franchise is sticking up for actor Moses Ingram after she revealed she had received hundreds of racist messages and comments on social media.” — CNN, 5/31/22 - - -I just found out that one of the main characters in a new take on a popular sci-fi/fantasy franchise … | Continue reading
Step 1: Open the box and locate the wax strips, instruction booklet, and post-wax soothing wipes with essential oils. Step 2: Open your pantry and locate your strongest bottle of hard liquor, shot glass, and a half-empty box of stale Thin Mints. Step 3: Take off everything below … | Continue reading
If you can’t make your own fertilizer for your bombs, store-bought is fine. But pay cash and don’t get it all from the same place. You’ll want to break up the purchase across various fabulous gardening stores throughout the Hamptons to avoid suspicion—even go to Sag Harbor if you … | Continue reading
This is the sixth and final installment of our serial comic by cartoonist Nguyên Khôi Nguyễn, chronicling his and his wife Thảo’s attempts to start a family. You can read earlier entries here. - - - | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading
When I say, “Goodbye, have a good day” from our car in front of your school, I don’t really mean that. I mean, instead, “Please survive.” I hope after the shooter climbs the eight-foot-tall chain-link fence and runs across the grass field paratrooper style where you played dodgeb … | Continue reading
… And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made. On the eighth day, a … | Continue reading
Dear Valued Colleagues, It gives me no pleasure to deliver you this news, but I am sorry to say that, due to a variety of factors, including the continued economic fallout from COVID, the ever-increasing popularity of online shopping, and the lingering devastation from the attack … | Continue reading
“HBO show host and comedian Bill Maher claimed that there was an increase in the number of individuals identifying as LGBT partly because ‘it’s trendy.’” — The Hill, 5/21/22 - - -I guess I couldn’t run forever. I always knew a pseudo-intellectual windbag like you would find me ou … | Continue reading
“For many open positions, employees would interview a ‘diverse’ candidate—the bank’s [Wells Fargo’s] term for a woman or person of color—in keeping with the bank’s yearslong informal policy. But Mr. Bruno noticed that often, the so-called diverse candidate would be interviewed fo … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. This is Part I of We Bled All Winter by Shelly Oria. Parts I,II and III are featured in the anthol … | Continue reading
I see you have a Star Wars shirt on, so now you must prove to me, a random man, that you’re a real Star Wars fan. I’m going to need you to name all twelve movies, eight models of X-wing, and three of its actors you have harassed so severely they left social media. What do you mea … | Continue reading
“An 18-year-old gunman on Tuesday fatally shot 19 children and two adults at a Texas elementary school before he was killed by law enforcement officers.” – CNN, 5/24/22 - - - Click image to enlarge. | Continue reading
1. Ask them if they’ve heard about anything scary at school. (You have to send them back to school.) Sometimes they come home with interesting facts about butterfly migrations or plans to stop people from littering, so their teachers are likely sharing some news and current event … | Continue reading
While we wait for our elected officials to stop dicking around and finally do something to stop the relentless gun violence in this country, Americans should avoid the following high-risk locations: Parking lots Industrial plants Airports Subways Courthouses Police stations Gover … | Continue reading
Thank you for choosing the Dependable Obedient Guard (D.O.G.) system to keep your home safe. The D.O.G. system is easy to set up and operate. Place your D.O.G. anywhere in your home. The D.O.G. is a mobile system that can respond to potential threats near the front door, the back … | Continue reading
I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. Scarlet Letter, by Sarah Gerard, is an essay featured in the book. Preorder the book, and receive … | Continue reading
Dear Women’s Magazines, Congratulations on an excellent job promoting body confidence to women everywhere with your consistent covers featuring naked celebrities who are comfortable enough with their bodies to put their dumpy, veiny, stretch-mark-covered selves on full display. O … | Continue reading
It’s true that money does not grow on trees; it’s dug out of the gold mines by our conquered enemies. But that is far from the point. Our Empire cannot continue to drain our coffers to provide bread and circuses for our citizens. That is why the High Council has made the prudent … | Continue reading
Shelly Oria is the editor of I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, a multi-genre collection from twenty-eight writers and artists working across genre and disciplines to explore one of the most pressing issues of our time. - - -AMANDA UHLE: When people firs … | Continue reading
Sparrow Nest Scrappy and bold, this nest exemplifies the substantial field of street art-based nests, using found materials and constructed anywhere to avoid authoritative scrutiny. I once saw a masterpiece spilling out of the letter D on a sign for Donuts near my house. Breathta … | Continue reading
Living eternally as the daughter of two primordial gods comes with a lot of pressure. Enduring a lifetime of excruciating pain, Oizys continues to search for a Sunday routine that will leave her rested and restored for the week ahead. Oizys, 2,800 years old, is the ancient Greek … | Continue reading
“A SpaceX flight attendant said Elon Musk exposed himself and propositioned her for sex, documents show. The company paid $250,000 for her silence.” — Business Insider, 5/19/22 - - -Did I expose myself to a flight attendant? I spent good money to make sure you would never find ou … | Continue reading
It’s a ritual as time-honored among teenagers as prom or drinking too much and crashing your parents’ Corolla into the window of a Mexican restaurant—glossy catalogs from colleges arriving by the dozen each spring. Aside from the faint odor of kiwi bubblegum vape smoke, Woodmont … | Continue reading
“Nine Republicans in the House of Representatives have voted against a bill that aims to facilitate the purchase of baby formula for those on low-income federal support programs.” — Newsweek, 5/19/22 - - -There has never been a time in American history when babies have been more … | Continue reading
That’s right. You heard me, varmint. I’ve had my eye on you ever since you first set foot in this here lawless town. You with your slick horse and your rhinestone belt buckle and, what are those, live tarantulas in the heels of your boot? That’s a pretty big show you’re making ou … | Continue reading