We live in the greatest nation in the world, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room for improvement. During my first hundred days in office, I promise to tackle immigration reform, cap insulin prices, and ensure that people will no longer accidentally get their cars stu … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
The News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team has experience YOU can count on. Stay INFORMED. Stay CONNECTED. With the News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team’s latest resumé and cover letter. We’re the News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team, and we’re working for YOU. We’re the N … | Continue reading
Isn’t this neighborhood charming? The cute brick ranches. The historic bungalows with their breezy porches. The old apartment buildings that symbolize our romantic notions of the working class. Even the duplexes are just adorable. It’s inspiring how people share walls and divide … | Continue reading
0500: Sound the alarm. 0600: Recitation of the day’s mantra in the traditional spirited honking. 0700: Singing of “O Canada” and flyover in standard formation. 0800: Announcement of the flock’s minutes. 0830: Synchronized shitting and breakfast on the east bank of the retention p … | Continue reading
Ah, childhood! I remember it fondly and often. Getting grass stains on my knees, eating fruit roll-ups, and most importantly, not being burdened by constantly reminiscing about my childhood. Life was so simple then. No responsibilities, no cares, no memories of fifteen to twenty- … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - Yay! Yo … | Continue reading
Dear Candidate, Thank you for your application. Should we move forward, here are the stages you can expect to encounter as you advance during a typical interview process with our team: Fifteen-minute introductory phone call with the recruiter Thirty-minute Zoom interview with the … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
ACT III, SCENE IV: Castle Elsinore Enter Hamlet, dragging the corpse of Polonius. Enter Ghost. GHOST: Mark me. But don’t mark me late for dinner! HAMLET: Forsooth, don’t sneak up on me like that! GHOST: Son, what wast that scene back there with thy mother? HAMLET: Nothing! T’was … | Continue reading
A trolley is about to run over five people, but your dad gets distracted by a nearby sports bar playing The Shawshank Redemption on one of their outdoor TVs. He just stands there watching the movie. Everyone dies. - - - When presented with the Trolley Problem, Dad uses the opport … | Continue reading
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays! But they also have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you name something Monday is good at? No? That’s o … | Continue reading
REQUIRED OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH CHECKLIST 1. Are batteries in the flashlights up to date and working properly? YES NO 2. Are flashlights easily accessible at all times? YES NO 3. Are all flashlights really heavy? YES NO 4. Has someone at the worksite been assigned the inc … | Continue reading
“Justice Alito’s Wife, in Secretly Recorded Conversation, Complains About Pride Flag” — Headline from the New York Times, 6/10/24 - - - Dear Martha-Ann, I can’t say that I expected to hear from you during Pride month. So, imagine my surprise when, this week, you spilled to an und … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Sit in the bathroom and use your creativity to make it the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Become frustrated that rearranging the towels has failed to turn the bathroom into the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Remember that your child’s crib has wheels, and see … | Continue reading
There is NOTHING like The Grind, my guy. Nothing like having my boiz line up outside the conference room, tapping our sensitive little balls over The Big Merger, making eye contact with The Big Boss as he gives me a slow nod from his office. Nothing like laughing at the betas who … | Continue reading
“As much as dragons or incest or power struggles or even more generalized violence, [season one] has been defined by traumatic birth scenes.” — Kathryn VanArendonk, Vulture - - - Princess Rhaenyra screams for ten uninterrupted minutes. The Maester rushes in. MAESTER: Princess Rha … | Continue reading
This is your last free article. There will be no more, forever. We’re offering a $9.99 monthly subscription for our award-winning journalism. But you won’t finish these articles anyway. Why waste it? Our headlines just sit there on your browser—open tabs, like tombstones in a hau … | Continue reading
Madeleine Cravens is a poet of delectable desolation. Pleasure Principle is the name of her first book, and beyond the Freudian reference I can’t help but hear the echo of another kind of principle, the principal, that which we pay when we pay what we owe. To grow up is, in some … | Continue reading
Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get the chance to start a second family. What does it say about our current economic climate that a hardworking individual like m … | Continue reading
Attention staff: Summer Fridays are here! From Friday, June 7, to Friday, August 30, staff have the option to leave at 1:00 p.m. for a 4.5-hour early dismissal. All staff are welcome to participate in Summer Fridays, though we know they may not be for everyone. Here are some guid … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
The first successful instance of time travel occurred in 2306, when a group of Syracuse University researchers transported Tootsie, a chimpanzee, to the front lines of the War of 1812. The scientists were awarded a Nobel Prize, but despite deftly outmaneuvering the British Royal … | Continue reading
Oral Deposition Testimony, Sierra Madre Wedding Centre vs Mike Sacks, Feb 4, 1993 PLAINTIFF: Please spell your name and list your occupation. DEFENDANT: Mike Sacks. M-I-K-E S-A-C-K-S. Wedding planner. PLAINTIFF: And how long have you worked as a wedding planner? DEFENDANT: Since … | Continue reading
Convenience stores are not known for luxury. They replicate our base desires, stocking shelves with only the most essential food groups: salt, sugar, and alcohol. But what kind of person would look at a 7-Eleven and say, “You know what this place needs? A brunch item.” Apparently … | Continue reading
Dear Members of the Search Committee: Well, here we are again. I am sitting in my sunroom, listening to the robins, crows, and jays, and I’m trying to type out a list of all my achievements so that you will like me enough to invite me for a Zoom interview and possibly a campus vi … | Continue reading
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE - - - WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THI … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Virgin Mary, First let me just say, you may not consider yourself a pop culture icon, … | Continue reading
Congratulations on purchasing a new Xee-Whiz Smart Wi-Fi Socket. While installing this device is so easy you could do it in five seconds, this manual is not for setting up the Smart Wi-Fi Socket. This manual is for dealing with whatever relative is making you help them set up the … | Continue reading
“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., refused to address Dr. Anthony Fauci as ‘doctor’ and called for him to be jailed during an, at times, explosive hearing before Congress on the origins of Covid-19—as Republicans continue to demonize the federal government’s former top infectio … | Continue reading
In Opposite Land, Oreos are a nutritious superfood. In Opposite Land, I have no unwanted facial hair. All of my facial hair is wanted. In Opposite Land, my job pays me obscene amounts of money. Unfortunately, money is virtually worthless here, so people burn it to keep cool in th … | Continue reading
Hey man, we’re having a little get-together in the park this weekend. I would love it if you could make it. We’ll have snacks, and you can bring a six-pack or something if you want. We’ll probably throw some tunes on the portable speaker, catch up, and just enjoy the afternoon. O … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - Last week, you … | Continue reading
Mamenchisaurus: I know I shouldn’t, but I still find myself going through the picture books, looking at all the brachiosauruses and apatosauruses and brontosauruses—and knowing that I’ll never be in there. It’s hard to take. I mean, come on, my neck is huge. I’m basically all nec … | Continue reading
The worst has happened. Donald Trump is a convicted felon, and it’s all because he [FALSIFIED BUSINESS RECORDS / HID THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE / HAD A HORRIBLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH STORMY DANIELS WHILE HIS WIFE MELANIA WAS PREGNANT WITH THE BABY THEY EVENTUALLY NAMED AF … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
“I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER! … I DID NOTHING WRONG! … My end-of-month fundraising deadline is just DAYS AWAY!” — Donald Trump on his campaign website, which went down briefly, after he was convicted on thirty-four counts in hush-money trial - - - IT’S OFFICIAL: I’M A POLITICAL PRIS … | Continue reading
PARENT 1: Welcome home! CHILD: Manipulative! PARENT 1: Wait. What? CHILD: Toxic! PARENT 1: Who? Me? CHILD: Narcissist! PARENT 1: You keep saying words, but without verbs. CHILD: Gaslighting! PARENT 1: I’m just thinking that if you put these words into a sentence, I might get a be … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
They found one another. Of course they did. It doesn’t matter how. Fate finds a way. I see some of them sunglass-faced sitting outside of cafés laughing over espressos, playfully touching elbows. I know they’re whispering about me after they make love—two heads on one pillow, tra … | Continue reading
“We must journey forth,” commanded the good Wizard Byroncorn to Luanne Wyldsmith, the graceful ager and chosen one, user of hyaluronic face potions and seeker of bargain discounts. “Why do you dally so?” “If we wait until tomorrow’s pay period,” replied Luanne Wyldsmith, “I can u … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
I rock large appliances and furniture back and forth, ensuring that my body is beneath them. I remove all tags from my towels and mattresses before purchasing. I light lighters ANYWHERE. I lean small children against window screens while the window is open. I press irons up to my … | Continue reading
And on a Thursday afternoon, God created the #Revelation Slack Channel. God Time to get this party started! Or more like ENDED?! #LFGtotheEndofDays God I know we’re all excited to finally bring about the end of all things on Earth. Tagging in key stakeholders now. God added @anti … | Continue reading
I can tell what you’re all thinking. Those guys in the other locker room are bigger than us. Stronger. Faster. Hell, they even got prettier cheerleaders. Moms who bake better cookies. Uncles who’re more conscious of their prejudices and are doing the work to listen and learn. But … | Continue reading
When the world died, all that was left was chaos. All that awaited us was death. Living in the ashes of our civilization, I’ve learned two things: I can rely only on myself, and I am the only person in this whole wasteland who still drives a sensible car. I know a 2006 Toyota Cam … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading