Democrats Introduce Bill to Condemn Coronavirus

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer have introduced a bill that, if passed, would condemn COVID-19 as a “very bad pandemic.” | Continue reading | 3 hours ago

Transphobe Who Claimed to Identify as Attack Helicopter Destroyed by U.S. Airforce

Graham Webb has died after an AGM-114 Hellfire Missile fired from an MQ-9 Reaper Drone owned by the United States Airforce dropped on his house. | Continue reading | 4 hours ago

Classic Rock Song Downloaded?

Local woman Denise Giorgeschi was “utterly shocked” after finding an mp3 file of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” downloaded onto a technological device in the year 2020. | Continue reading | 11 hours ago

Lowe’s Manager Sick of Slipknot Percussionist Testing Garbage Cans, Never Buying One

A Lowe’s manager removed Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan from the store again last week after he spent hours testing garbage bins without making a purchase. | Continue reading | 12 hours ago

Local Right Wing Terrorist Group Holds 87th Annual Policeman’s Ball

A right wing terrorist group known as “Norfolk Police Department” held an annual fundraising event to procure more funds for upgrading weapons and tactical vehicles. | Continue reading | 13 hours ago

3 Signs She’s Just Not Into You and 3 of the Same Signs You’ll Misinterpret

Fellas. Have you ever been in a situation where she just wasn’t feeling your flirtatious advances? Me neither. Evidently, it’s because I completely misinterpret every… | Continue reading | 14 hours ago

Spotify CEO Gets .0005% Custody of Children

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek reportedly won .0005% custody of his children in a landmark hearing yesterday. | Continue reading | 15 hours ago

Twitch Streamer Rigged to Explode If Game Drops Below 30 FPS

Sandra Cruz — known online as CruzControl2 — strapped a series of bombs to her livestream and was set to explode if it dropped below 30 FPS. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Guy Considering Making Dragon Ball Z His Whole Thing

A local guy looking to mix things up has reportedly considered making Dragon Ball Z like his whole thing.  | Continue reading | 1 day ago

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

We rounded up our favorite comments on our articles this week and explained why they rule. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Unsolicited Shoulder Massage Reveals You’re Really Tense

Life coach and retired engineer Howard Boyd was seen repeatedly telling you to “relax” after appearing behind you to knead your shoulders in a deep, unsolicited massage. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Opinion: “Halloween” is a Christmas Movie

Maybe I can try to explain it to you; it might help if I don’t use any big words that’ll confuse you. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Lengthy Text Calling Out Parent’s Racism Changed to “haha” at Last Minute

David Hickman Jr. very nearly called his father out for his racist jokes before ultimately deleting every word and simply sending a “haha” text. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Study Reveals Men 90% More Likely To Believe in Astrology if You’re Hot

A recent study conducted by the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sociology revealed that men are upwards of 90% more likely to believe in… | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Punk House Cat Turns Out to be Opossum

Local punk house staple and thought to be beloved cat GG Mewollin is actually an opossum. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Trump Criticized for Diverting Funding From Everybody Votes Channel to Check Mii Out

Trump is facing criticism after announcing plans to divert funding from the Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel to Check Mii Out. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Game About Inescapable Hellscape Really Resonating With People Right Now For Some Reason

Developers at Supergiant Games cannot pinpoint why their hit game Hades has resonated so hard with fans the last few months. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

For Sale. 235 Reusable Grocery Bags. Never Used.

Every environmentally-minded millennial knows the pain of forgetting their reusable grocery bag. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy to buy a new one once you’re at… | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Opinion: I’m Whichever Gender Gets Me the Most Poon Tang

It’s not my job to educate you, it’s your job to stop being ignorant. I understand that it’s easier for you to just divide everyone you meet into two categories and call it a day but not everyone conforms to your narrow-ass view. I didn’t tell you my preferred pronouns so don’t c … | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Privileged Rude Boy Has Never Had To Knock On Wood

Local Rude Boy Rodney Willet confessed that in his years on Earth, he’s never once had to knock on wood and he’s glad he hasn’t yet. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Swarm of Locusts Land on Trump’s Head For Two Whole Minutes During Debate

A swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage, landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there for a whole two minutes. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

We’re Done With Waluigi. From Now On, We’re All In on Dry Bones

All things must resolve, and as the world continues to change, so must our video game culture; Waluigi’s time in the spotlight must come to an end. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Tim Cook Announces “We Decided to Make the iPhone Worse This Time”

Apple CEO Tim Cook astonished Silicon Valley with a promise to disregard customers’ high expectations at this week’s iPhone press event. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Opinion: When They Go Low, We Go High and Do Absolutely Nothing To Stop Them

As card-carrying Democrats, it’s important that we always take the moral high ground in response to our opposition’s reprehensible actions. We must not sink to… | Continue reading | 3 days ago

I’m a Very Intuitive Empath and I Can Literally Feel How Much I Annoy You

I have always been sensitive to the emotions of people around me. When a baby cries, I cry. When someone is hurt, I hurt. When… | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Liam Gallagher Finally Agrees to Meeting With Estranged Brother Following Positive COVID-19 Diagnosis

Liam Gallagher tested positive for COVID-19 and is finally willing to reconcile with his brother Noel, as long as it happens within the next 14 days. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering

GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service will be offered to customers who do not wish to enter the physical store.  | Continue reading | 4 days ago

$1 Mobile App Better Change Buyer’s Life Forever at That Price

Dave Gordon expressed skepticism at purchasing a $1 app on his phone unless it would bring lifelong, universal positive change to his existence. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Man Pretty Sure They Can’t Cancel Him if He Stays Completely Still

Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes of avoiding being canceled. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Parents Announce Plan to Vote for Whoever Appears on TV Last

A boomer-aged couple plans to vote in the upcoming Georgia Democratic primary for the candidate who appears on TV most recently. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

We Taught This Chimpanzee to Understand the American Political System and He Hanged Himself

For generations, scientists have attempted to assess the intelligence of chimpanzees. We have discovered they are able to use tools, communicate via sign language, and observe a strong sense of community. With that in mind, we set out to see if we could make a chimpanzee understa … | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Breaking! Chamillionaire Only Paid Chahundred Dollars in Taxes Last Year

Rap artist and entrepreneur Chamillionaire, known for his hit single “Ridin’,” only paid a chahundred dollars in taxes last year. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Jeb Bush Picks Horrible Night to Start Twitch Channel

Famously unremarkable politician and former presidential nominee Jeb Bush began his new Twitch stream tonight in an unprecedented failure. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Writer Struck With Inspiration Furiously Writes Down ‘Superman But Evil’

Writer James Mann was reportedly scribbling down ideas in a moleskine notebook after being suddenly struck with the idea of “Superman if he was evil.” | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4

Claudia Conway revealed that her mother Kellyanne Conway lied about her diagnosis in order to stay home and play the newly released Crash Bandicoot 4. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Review: Machine Gun Kelly Is Revolutionizing Pop Punk by Dating an Adult

It’s 2020. The country is divided, the world is on fire, and a pop-punk album is topping the charts. At least one of these things… | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Census Bureau Reminds Crust Punks to Not Count Raccoons As Roommates

The Census Bureau issued a reminder to crust punks to stop counting wild animals such as raccoons as members of the household when filling out their questionnaire. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

5 Well Paying Jobs Your Parents Probably Have if You’re Voting Third Party

We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters… | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Alkaline Trio Begins Working on New Spooky Pun to Title Next Album

Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: Big Dogs

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend… | Continue reading | 5 days ago

World’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense Stat

Friends of Shaun Conner were disappointed continually raised the defense stat of his RPG character, cementing his place as the world’s most boring gamer. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Trump Refuses to Pass Controller After Character Dies

Continuing his trend of bucking universally accepted social norms, President Trump today announced his refusal to pass the controller to anybody else. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

We Chat With America’s Top 5 Online Bingo Winners About the Strategies that Made them Rich

You may have noticed that these days the news cycle has been dominated by stories of online bingo winners living it up. America is the land of opportunity. One day you may be a poor, lazy person who gambles online. But, if you work hard enough, you can become a rich, lazy person … | Continue reading | 6 days ago

GROSS: This Guy Loves You and Only Wants What’s Best for You

Your boyfriend of two years claimed yesterday, in a “totally gross” and “most definitely insincere” showering of affection, that he loves you and only wants what’s best for you. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Aging Metalhead Carves Grandkids’ Names in Forearm

Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on his forearm. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

White Teen Shooter Loses Xbox Privileges For A Whole Week

17-year-old active shooter and local white boy Tyler Dunsky was sentenced today to no Xbox privileges for a whole week following a recent killing spree. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

So You’re a Toddler? Name Three Shapes

Hey there, little guy. I’m your uncle, John, but everyone calls me Bonez. So… what colors you like? Nothing? Okay then, what’s your favorite Disney… | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Aging Punk Quietly Circles ‘A’ In ‘Accounts Receivable’ During Sales Meeting

45-year-old punk rocker and local senior accountant Danny Rogers was spotted circling the “A” on a weekly PNL report during a company meeting. | Continue reading | 6 days ago