Nintendo Celebrates Metroid’s 35th Anniversary With 30-Minute Moment of Silence

Nintendo acknowledged the 35th anniversary of its beloved Metroid franchise with a new Direct presentation that featured just 30 minutes of silence. | Continue reading | 3 hours ago

Rob Zombie Narrows Exhaustive Search for Star of New Movie Down to His Wife

Rob Zombie completed an exhaustive search of over 1,000 actresses to star in his latest film, ultimately casting his wife Sheri Moon Zombie in the lead role. | Continue reading | 14 hours ago

“You’re All Caught Up” Pleads Concerned Instagram

Instagram user Charlie Guerrero discovered a distressed message at the bottom of her feed stating that she had consumed all new content her friends had recently posted. | Continue reading | 15 hours ago

Here’s What the Cast of Seinfeld Looks Like Today but With Devilocks

What’s the deal with the cast of "Seinfeld" today? And more importantly, what do they look like now, but with a signature devilock hairstyle popularized by The Misfits? Welp, wonder no more! | Continue reading | 16 hours ago

Doctors Use Dental Records to Identify Body of Alive and Well Keith Richards

Physicians used dental records to identify the body of legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards during a routine visit, despite his being alive and in good health. | Continue reading | 17 hours ago

Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

After reconstructing an piece of pottery featuring various gladiators, archaeologists determined that they unearthed the earliest example of a tier list. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Unemployed Kevin Sorbo Sends Ben Shapiro His Headshot Just in Case

Outspoken conservative Kevin Sorbo sent his professional headshot to Ben Shapiro in the off-chance his upcoming movie with Gina Carano needed more “unfairly treated” thespians. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Inspiring: This Woman Spent the Pandemic Turning All of Her Underwear Into Period Underwear

Local woman Bette DeVargas made use of her time home during the pandemic by turning every pair of her underwear into panties reserved for soaking up period blood. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

If Huffing Glue Is Wrong, Why Can’t I Feel My Face and Where Am I?

I’m sick and tired of the double standard when it comes to drug use in this country. If you want to drink until you’re blind that’s perfectly legal, and even in states where marijuana is illegal nobody judges you for it. Well, weed gives me anxiety and drinking just brings me bac … | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Dungeons & Dragons Film Stalled After Chris Pine Chooses Charisma as Dump Stat

Paramount’s Dungeons & Dragons adaptation hit a roadblock after lead Chris Pine chose Charisma as his dump stat during the character creation process. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Conservatives Demand Mr. Potato Head Retain His Giant, Veiny Potato Dick

Conservatives outraged by Hasbro’s announcement that Mr. Potato Head would become gender-neutral immediately created petitions to ensure the company would not alter the toy’s giant, veiny potato dick. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

If Smashing Your Instrument Is So Cool, How Come Guitar Center Says I Owe Them $17,500?

This isn’t the dark ages. Women rock out. We play guitars. As Phoebe Bridgers demonstrated on SNL, sometimes we rock so hard that we smash those guitars. When Phoebe Bridgers did it, it looked cool, and it was cool, even if losers like David Crosby didn’t like it. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Man Eats Entire Bag of Lay’s to See If They’re Stale

Local determined man Chris Vazquez went overboard Tuesday evening when he ate an entire bag of Lay’s potato chips in an effort to “test if they were stale.” | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Opinion: It’s Time for Me to Say Nonsense Words to This Cat

Much like TV, ice cream, and porn, pets exist solely to distract us from the inevitability of death. Well, until they die. Then our mortality comes in loud and clear. But while they're alive and thriving in our 600 square foot apartment, our furry friends do a lot to keep all of … | Continue reading | 2 days ago

New NOFX Album To Be Given To Younger Brother Eventually

Older brother Jack Durso bought the new NOFX CD, ‘Single Album,’ which he plans to eventually pass on to younger brother, Kevin, upon his 13th birthday. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Mortal Kombat Fan Pissed Robocop Isn’t in the Movie

A Mortal Kombat fan was livid after discovering that the upcoming film will not contain Robocop, a character introduced in Mortal Kombat 11. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

We Captured a Lizard Person but We Think They’re Like the Janitor or Something Because They Didn’t Know Anything About Enslaving Humanity

After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove and caught a lizard person! Once we tied it up, we demanded to know why they rigged the election for Sleepy Joe and when they'd begin their final attack on humanity using Obamacare and … | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Emotional Support Dog Really More of An Enabler

Local emotional support dog Reggie is under fire for acting as more of an enabler for his owner’s anxieties rather than diminishing them. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

If I’m Not Supposed to Eat the Decorative Soaps Why Are They Shaped Like Delicious Sea Shells?

I love life's simple pleasures. I'm talkin' taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a tasty, ripe seashell. Especially that last one. I tell ya, there's nothing like the feel of your teeth gnashing against one of those bad boys as … | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Venue Owner Just Remembered They Left Sound Guy Locked In Prior to Pandemic

An independent venue owner panicked early yesterday morning after realizing he’s left his sound guy locked in his club since the venue’s last show on March 12, 2020. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

‘I Hunger for More Movies’ Bellows Minotaur Living Beneath Netflix Headquarters

The grotesque monster living under Netflix cried out in hunger this morning, desperate for more mid-budget features from the streaming platform. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Alcoholism Family’s Only Tradition

Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is his only family tradition. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Back in My Day Only Punks With Rich Parents Lived in Poverty

City punks are way too soft nowadays. I’m sick and tired of hearing all this crap about wage theft and other socialist propaganda. It’s like… | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Parents Sneakily Replace Child’s Dead Goldfish With Matt Skiba

Two local parents skillfully avoided an emotional conversation with their child last week by sneakily replacing his beloved pet goldfish with Matt Skiba of Alkaline Trio. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine

The squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered in the inner workings of a slot machine. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Top 5 Songs You Wish You’d Lost Your Virginity To Instead of ‘Cotton Eye Joe’

Everyone wants their first time to be special. It is one of the few moments of your life that you will think about for the rest of your life. While everything might not go as exactly as planned, it is a genuine shame that every time you reminisce about the first time you had sex … | Continue reading | 5 days ago

On the 7th Day God Rested, That Means There’s a Way To Kill Him

“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.” - Genesis 2:2 | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Woman Delighted to Learn She’s Aged Out of Dating Local Musicians

Local 30-year-old and former band girlfriend Jenna Nuccio was delighted to learn that she’s finally aged out of dating local musicians. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

We rounded up all your comments and put them in this article for everyone to see, like a zoo. Well, not ALL your comments. Just the pretty ones. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

NASA Sends Probe to Jupiter to Get More Stupider

NASA has launched a probe called Insistence that will land on Jupiter in order to get more stupider. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Daft Punk Breaking up Just Proves That European Automation Will Never Replace the American Workforce

As European technological innovation has caused countless industry jobs across the globe to become obsolete, the United States has proven time and time again that this Eastern tech takeover will never be a match for the gritty American workplace, as evidenced by the news of Frenc … | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Woman Makes Uncomfortable Small Talk With Herself During At-Home Haircut

Local woman Jenna Jenkins made uncomfortable small talk with herself while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt to feign human connection report. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Opinion: Bruce Springsteen Should Be Allowed To Drive Drunk

As time goes on, I realize America isn’t the country I once thought it was. I honestly believed that work ethic and ingenuity would get you far. But nope, it’s all a sham. A big fat lie. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Fast & Furious Franchise Announces Partnership With Olive Garden

Restaurant chain Olive Garden has teamed up with the Fast & Furious franchise to promote the importance of “family” as a concept. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Anxious Roommate Leaves Mysterious “Sorry” Note on Every Door in House

Anxious roommate Megan Styers has adorned every door in the house with a post-it note bearing only the word “sorry,” “just in case anything is weird or anything.” | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Metalhead Attorney Cites Roth v. Hagar

Local attorney and hair metal fantic Rourke Caldwell asked a jury to consider the “landmark case of Roth v. Hagar” when ruling on his defendant’s alleged arson charges. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Have You Watched ‘The Shield’ Yet?

Hey bud how’s it going? I’ll give the phone back to your mother in a second just wanted to say hi. Hey. Have you gotten around to watching “The Shield” yet? Remember I told you about it last week. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Friends Assume Musician Made Living from Music Before Pandemic

A local musician is allegedly receiving ill-placed sympathy from friends who assume his income came from music before the COVID-19 pandemic halted live performances. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Vlogger Parents Looking Forward to Streaming Child Unboxing

Kayleigh Jones, 23, better known by her YouTube alias M0therKnowsBest, has publicly announced her decision to livestream the unboxing of her first child. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Family Guy Celebrates 20th Season as Background Noise

“Family Guy” is celebrating 20 seasons this year as America’s top choice for something to have on in the background while they scroll their phone or do the dishes or whatever. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Bikini Model Has No Idea Why She Can’t Make Friends With Strangers on Facebook

Professional swimwear model Sarah Nguyen has struggled to meet new people on social media platforms for reasons unknown. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Call Me Old Fashioned but I Believe Marriage Is Between a Protagonist and Someone They Were Just Friends With for 5 Seasons

There’s no denying that the institution of marriage has drastically changed over the last few decades. I would never get in the way of any two adults being married legally because after all, a marriage is a legal contract, with certain benefits that should be available to all cou … | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Punk Boy Scout 1 Cig Away From Earning Nicotine Patch

11-year-old Boy Scout Albie Tamari is reportedly just one cigarette away from earning the highly esteemed Nicotine Patch to add to his collection of accomplishments. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Sony Advises Gamers Against Cracking Apart PS5 Like Delicious Pistachio

In an effort to prevent damage to their products, the game publisher and console manufacturer Sony urged customers not to pull apart the new PlayStation 5 as if it were a delicious pistachio in an urgent video posted to their social media channels this morning.  | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust

Mars rover Perseverance has already been filled to the brim with ferrite dust, engineers announced this morning. | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Opinion: The Dead Kennedys Are a Massively Underrated Shirt

Whenever some hotshot music historian writes about the “big three” in punk rock, who do they always say? The Ramones, The Misfits, and a swastika with a line drawn through it. These are the top three shirts people think of when they hear the word “punk.” That’s where I think we a … | Continue reading | 9 days ago

New Relationship Winds Down to “Let’s Actually Watch the Movie” Phase

A three-month-old and extremely sexually charged relationship finally de-escalated last night into watching an entire movie instead of engaging in Olympic-level sexual escapades. | Continue reading | 9 days ago

5 Easy Ways To Make Someone’s Genetic Hearing Loss About All the Loud Shows You Went To in Your 20s

Hearing loss can be stressful and isolating. If there's one person who knows all about that, it's your close friend with genetic hearing loss who's telling you about it. And if there's one person who can totally relate to this, it's you, someone who was in a band from 2014-2017. … | Continue reading | 9 days ago