Incredibly Realistic ‘Skate 4’ Makes Players Ration Little Cup of Salsa for Entire Burrito

EA promised the game would have even more realistic details than ever, right down to a punishing salsa-to-burrito ratio at in-game taco spots.  | Continue reading | 43 minutes ago

Democrats Increasingly Anxious About Broaching Subject of Asking Amazon to Pay a Tax or Two

A nervous group of Democratic leaders discussed possible ways to ask mega-corporation Amazon to pay at least a small portion of their share in taxes. | Continue reading | 7 hours ago

We Teleported to an Alternate Dimension Where Trump Isn’t President but Ska Is Cool So We Came Back

A couple of weeks back our office was shaken when a strange mass of blue energy suddenly appeared and exploded next to our most recently… | Continue reading | 8 hours ago

God Frantically Skims Bible for Reason To Reject Dead Straight Edger From Heaven

God, the almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, can not find a single reason to refuse recently-deceased straight edge kid Randy Larrett’s entry into Heaven. | Continue reading | 9 hours ago

Fact Check: It’s Called ‘Shrimp Fried Rice’ Not Because a Shrimp Fried the Rice Itself, But In Fact Because the Fried Rice Contains Shrimp In It

We give this claim that “a shrimp fried this race” a PANTS ON FIRE rating, our starkest ranking of falsity. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

We Listened to Every Sufjan Stevens Album and Now We Are Giving Secret Handjobs in a Cornfield

One of the many enjoyable aspects of writing for The Hard Times is being able to review the artists I love. This week, I thought it could be an interesting idea to look back on Sufjan Steven’s extensive catalog. However, what I didn’t account for was how this would lead me down a … | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Cop Pauses to Remember Chokeholds Now Illegal Before Murdering Innocent Person

Police officer Martin Stuart heroically paused to remember that chokeholds are now illegal in New York City before shooting an innocent man 17 times in the chest. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Slime Rancher, Destiny, and Resident Evil 4?

Strap in for another rundown of ways you can violate the Geneva Conventions in your favorite games. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

Local PS4 button Triangle insisted that it is happy just to be included on the controller in the first place. | Continue reading | 1 day ago

Evil Villain Ensures Lair’s Air Vents Extra Wide

Self-proclaimed villain Bixby “Moggie Man” Middlegrift took extra pains to ensure his new lair would be built with air vents that were “extra wide.” | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Anti-Vaxxer Parents Promote Youngest Child To Oldest Child

Local parents and staunch anti-vaxxers Shannon and Dane Wittle will promote their youngest child Ayden to the position of oldest child. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Embarrassed “Sid and Nancy” Director Just Now Realizing He Made a Two-Hour Long Movie About Bass Player

Director Alex Cox came to the sudden and tragic realization this morning that his 1986 biopic “Sid and Nancy” was just a two-hour film about a mediocre bassist. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Man Suffers Through 30 Minutes of Jazz Before Realizing He Just Likes Cowboy Bebop

Jason Dominguez listened to half an hour of a jazz before coming to the conclusion that it’s actually just Cowboy Bebop itself that he’s interested in. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Dungeon Master Increases Puzzle’s Difficulty by Describing It Shittily

Dungeon master Dan Richards reportedlysupercharged the difficulty of his latest puzzle by describing it really poorly. | Continue reading | 2 days ago

Favorite Shirt from When You Were 29 Magically Turns to Infant Small Minute You Turn 32

Your favorite shirt from when you were 29-years-old magically transformed to a piece of clothing only large enough to be worn by an infant now that you are 32. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Don’t Let This Face Tattoo Fool You, I’m Actually Terrified of Commitment

When people look me, they see my earnest expression, my passionate eyes, and just above, below, and in between the two, they see approximately 47… | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Waldo Found in Metal Band Logo

Children's literature icon Waldo was found yesterday within a local black metal band logo after nearly 30 minutes of attempting to understand what the band’s actual name is. | Continue reading | 3 days ago

Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax

A Termina citizen took to the streets yesterday to denounce the large, ominous moon inching ever closer to the city as “a liberal hoax.”  | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Libertarian Friend Continues Trend of Only 50% Getting The Point

Local Libertarian Wayne Allen is maintaining his personal trend of only getting the point halfway regarding a variety of social and economic issues. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Woody Guthrie’s Guitar Arrested for Terrorist Sympathy

The Woody Guthrie Memorial Center was raided today by federal agents, taking Guthrie's famous "This Machine Kills Fascists" guitar into custody. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Disgusting: Little Baby Bitch Boy Coward Gamer Brightens Horror Settings So Symbol Still Visible

Local game enthusiast and known little baby bitch boy Shawn Hughes reportedly adjusted the brightness settings like the enormous fucking coward he is. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

The Los Santos Police Department has adopted a policy automatically assigning all peaceful protestors a five-star wanted level. | Continue reading | 4 days ago

Tudor Split-Levels Hunted to Extinction in Emotional “House Hunters”

The last remaining Tudor split-level house was burned to the ground yesterday during the filming of an emotional episode of HGTV’s popular series “House Hunters.” | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Fourth Job Listed on Man’s Facebook Profile Also Only Real One

Medical records clerk Geordie Warren listed his only real-paying job fourth behind a few non-paying hobbies on his Facebook page. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Sleep Study Finds 40% Of People Produce Giant Inflating Snot Bubble During REM Cycle

Researchers have found 40% of people will form a gigantic, inflating snot bubble during the REM cycle, indicating they are in the deepest phases of sleep. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

My Son Uses Gender Neutral Pronouns and I Respect His Identity

Navigating complicated issues around young people and gender can be confusing and even frustrating at times. Well this father is tackling those issues head-on. I’m… | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Punk Roommates Argue Over Whose Turn It Is to Throw the Dishes Out

Tensions between two punk roommates are on the rise after a months-long feud over whose turn it is to throw a sink full of dirty dishes in the trash has yet to resolve itself. | Continue reading | 5 days ago

New Sesame Street Episode Brought to You by the Letters ACAB

A bruised, exhausted-looking Big Bird announced to viewers that week’s episode of Sesame Street was “brought to you by the letters ‘ACAB.’”  | Continue reading | 5 days ago

Report: Power Rangers Receive 0 Hours of Training Before Being Given Lethal Megazord

The adolescent vigilante group “Power Rangers” were reportedly handed keys to a 600-foot Megazord to use however they saw fit. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Sorry, ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Fans: Everyone You’ve Ever Loved Will Be Dead in 100 Years

We would be remiss if we did not let Kingdom Hearts fans know that in about 100 years, everything you’ve ever known and loved will be dead. | Continue reading | 6 days ago

Self-Conscious Man Removes Mask After Seeing No One Else Wearing One

Local Publix shopper Wesley Clemons removed his protective face mask after realizing that no one else in the grocery store was wearing one. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

I’m No Good at Adulting, LOL. They Just Took My Kids Away!

Is it Wine O’Clock yet, amirite?! Haha. Mostly because the Department of Family Services just came and took my kids to live in foster care.… | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Show-Deprived Scene Lines Up Around the Block to See Recently Reopened Restaurant Mariachi Band

Tantos Tacos reopened last week to patrons lined up around the block anticipating the historically ignored house mariachi band Malos Cerebros’s evening set. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Hasbro Announces Monopoly: Monopoly Edition

Hasbro announced the next installment of the beloved board game Monopoly with the commemorative Monopoly: Monopoly Edition. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Game Critic Stands Perfectly Still to Avoid Naughty Dog PR Representative Attempting to Echolocate Them

Games journalist Benny Kleiner had to remain completely still to avoid being echolocated by a clicking and chattering Naughty Dog PR representative. | Continue reading | 7 days ago

Depressed Woman Accidentally Breaks Hot Dog-Eating World Record

Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record recently after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living room. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Here’s Why I Quit Skating to Focus on Giving UTIs Full-Time

Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your career that you lose sight of what’s really important, which is why I decided to quit my job as an almost semi-pro skater to focus on giving women the time and urinary tract infections they deserve. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Trapt Issues “Start and Persist” Letter Urging Trump Campaign to Start Using “Headstrong”

Trapt’s frontman issued an enthusiastic “start and persist” letter urging Donald Trump to play the band’s lone hit “Headstrong” at his campaign events. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Gotham Rules Batman Can Only Break One Limb on a Guy

Gotham City has passed a controversial new bill that would restrict Batman to only breaking a single limb on any suspected criminals he assaults.  | Continue reading | 8 days ago

Gamer Goes on Mission Trip to Tell Impoverished Communities ‘The Last of Us’ Is Overrated

A devout gamer has voyaged to a third world country on a missionary trip to inform the poor villagers there that The Last of Us franchise is not that good. | Continue reading | 8 days ago

If Anything, Having Fewer Fingers Proves I’m a Fireworks Expert

Fourth of July may sound like fun to you. You may be looking forward to barbecuing and busting out your favorite patriotic napkins. But to… | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Cold Case: Woman Taken Away By KKK Still Missing

The 1981 kidnapping of a young woman by the KKK is being reexamined by the LAPD following overwhelming public pressure. | Continue reading | 9 days ago

If Our Founding Fathers Were Alive to See America Today, They Would Be Bloodthirsty Vampires

There’s no denying that the American experiment has taken its share of twists and turns over the last two and a half centuries. Is the America we see today a true representation of our forefather’s vision of freedom and democracy? It’s that sort of question that makes some wonder … | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Punk Who Shot Bottle Rocket Out Ass in Skate Video Feels Awkward Confronting Distant Aunt About Racist Memes

Aging punk Jeff Nunes, best known for shooting a bottle rocket out of his ass in 2003, has deemed confronting his Aunt Janice about racist memes she shares on Facebook “way too awkward.” | Continue reading | 9 days ago

AMC Theaters to Reopen Long Enough to Show Half of Tenet

AMC has announced a tentative plan to reopen most of its theaters nationwide long enough to screen the first half of Christopher Nolan’s Tenet. | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Animal Crossing Villagers Freak Out During Fireworks

Chaos erupted during a Fourth of July fireworks celebration held by the animal inhabitants of the newly settled New Texas Island. | Continue reading | 9 days ago

Volunteer Medic Applying Bandage to Injury Closest Thing Protester Had to Health Care in Years

The first aid administered by a volunteer medic is the closest thing protester Sammi Ramirez has experienced to health care in years. | Continue reading | 10 days ago

I Understand “Law & Order: SVU” Is Copaganda, but Also I Have Depression

I am well aware that the characters in Law & Order: SVU occasionally use excessive force and routinely engage in unethical policing tactics, such as being badge-carrying officers of the NYPD. Knowing this is essential if you plan on consuming any copaganda without getting suckere … | Continue reading | 10 days ago