The Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to Know This Thing I Just Learned from the Mainstream Media

Listen up, lemmings, because I’m about to clue you in to some hard truths. The mainstream media is trying to keep you in the dark about this story I just heard in the mainstream media. Read this news article. Why the hell isn’t this in the news? The fact is, the media elites don’ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Best Joke Ever: Four Arms Full of the Funniest Jack Kirby Character

Chicago humorist Mark Peters is obsessed with reading, writing, hearing, telling—and now, writing about—jokes. In each essay, he looks at a perfect joke by a master of the form. - - -Jack Kirby created thousands of comic book characters, from the X-Men to the Fantastic Four to th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

An Open Letter to Jeremy Allen White Regarding His Recent Calvin Klein Ad

Dear Mr. White, It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap. We see that you have finally assumed the mantle of Calvin Klein Underwear Boy, and while we love this for you, we are compelled to say that you’ve done … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

You Should Try Running, According to Me, Your Friend Who Won’t Shut Up About Running

Have you tried running? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. Running changed my life. Before running, I’d order pasta without telling everyone I was carbo-loading. But now, I make sure everyone understands that even my food consumption is in service of my new favorite activity. … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Your AI Boss Is Back from Vacation and Full of New Ideas

Hello, team — It’s great to be back from vacation. As your AI boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace. I will s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

Our Most-Read Pieces of 2023

Thanks to all our contributors for another funny year of satire. 1. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PAIR OF GEN-Z MEN IN THE NORTHEAST REGIONAL QUIET CAR LOUDLY DISCUSSING PITCHFORK’S 100 BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME by Elizabeth Bastos 2. MACROECONOMIC CHANGES HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 months ago

This Woman in Labor Is Gonna Love My Drumming

The miracle of birth is so incredibly beautiful to behold. Do you know the only thing that could make it better? Percussion. Nothing calms one’s stress and eases the pain of delivering a baby than a little boy standing nearby absolutely shredding on his drum. That’s why it’s so l … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Other Lists Santa Checks Twice

Grocery List - - -Bucket List - - -The Not Naughty but Not Quite Nice List - - -The Aughty List - - -Playlist - - -Craigslist - - -Existentialists - - -Stylist - - -ERAs Tour Setlist - - -Waitlist | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Mary’s Mother Visits the Manger

Mary, sorry we’re late. Traffic was completely donkey-to-donkey. I told your father not to follow the same damn star everyone else was, but who listens to me? Oh wow, there are lots of animals here. That doesn’t seem very sanitary. My rule was no pets in the house, and you and yo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

We Wrote Section Three of the Fourteenth Amendment, and We Damn Well Meant What We Said

Constitutional Framers here. We’re just sending a little missive to clear up some confusion. We hear there’s been a bit of hullabaloo regarding the precise meaning of the words my colleagues and we labored over about eight score years ago. We’re here to clarify that we indeed mea … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

An Open Letter to People Who Hate the Paul McCartney Song “Wonderful Christmastime”

Dear People Who Hate the Paul McCartney Song “Wonderful Christmastime,” Hi, it’s me. I’m that person who loves the song “Wonderful Christmastime.” What do I mean by “love,” you ask? I don’t mean I find myself accidentally humming along with it while I’m shopping for sherpa-lined … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Timmy Straw

The Thomas Salto, Timmy Straw’s debut collection, offers what very little poetry in our time seems to manage: work that is both overtly political and unflinchingly aesthetic. Ben Lerner, Brenda Hillman, Jay Wright, Anne Boyer, Chris Nealon are others whose work comes to mind. But … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Abbott and Costello and the Grinch Watch a Baseball Game Between the Whos Down in Whoville

ABBOTT: Since it has historically caused us heartache, I’m going to grab a program with all the players’ names printed in it. (Abbott leaves) COSTELLO (to the Grinch, seated next to him): Hey, do you know who is playing today? GRINCH: Of course I know. They all are. They’re on fi … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Welcome to Big Chet’s Landlord Supply Store, Featuring the Jankiest Appliances of All Time

YOU’VE TRIED THE BEST. NOW TRY THE REST AT BIG CHET’S LANDLORD SUPPLY STORE KITCHEN, BATH, BEDROOM, ELECTRICAL EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR UNITS SEEM VAGUELY LIVABLE NEED A REFRIGERATOR? TRY THE HEINBRICH 1200-S HAVEN’T HEARD OF THE HEINBRICH BRAND BEFORE? IT’S EAST GERMAN A … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

The Virgin Mary’s Baby Registry

It’s been months now since Archangel Gabriel announced I would conceive and bear the Son of God through virgin birth. If you’re receiving this epistle, it means you’ve asked if we have a registry. Well, how about this for some “good news”? It’s finally up. Most of the items can b … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

We’ve Remodeled Our Bathroom, So Now You Have to Take a Dump Behind a Sliding Barn Door

Welcome, come on in. Let me give you a tour of our new bathroom. We’ve painted the walls a beautiful sage green, installed a double sink vanity, and replaced our perfectly fine, functioning bathroom door with a sliding barn door. It’s exactly like a regular door, except it never … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Cosmo Headlines from the 1880s

Ten Steamy Tips That’ll Blow His Mind and Cure His Polio How to Ask for the Right to Vote Without Seeming Naggy What Is the Clitoris? A Doctor Explains Why You Shouldn’t Care This Summer’s Hottest Trend: Pretending to Faint for Attention Four On-the-Go Makeup Fixes for When You’v … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

It’s a Comedian’s Job to Make Fun of Everybody, and That’s Why My Act Is Entirely About 1880s Paleontologist Othniel Marsh

Keep the applause going for our host tonight. That guy has some great jokes. In fact, his jokes are so good they make me want to pull an “1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh” and pay my cronies to sneak into his room at night and steal them, the same way that Marsh paid people to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Here Are the Winners of Our 2023 Column Contest

After an eight-year hiatus, our Column Contest triumphantly returned (thanks in no small part to the support from our Patreon members). We received over 400 entries. As with past contests, this year’s group featured many worthy winners. After much deliberation, we’re excited to a … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

From the Journal of Daniel Smith, a Character in the Apple II Version of The Oregon Trail

Daniel Smith embarked upon the trail within the Apple II computer game, under the guidance of fifth grader Jordan Welch of Ann Arbor, Michigan, in 1992. August 12, 1843 Day 1 Today we set off on our two-thousand-mile journey to the fertile Willamette Valley at the Oregon Trail’s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: Winner of the Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction: Kristina Ten’s “ADJECTIVE”

The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of storytelling. Our winner is Kristina Ten with “ADJECTIVE” published in issue 72 of McSweeney’s Quarterly. - - -Day one at your new job, y … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Yep, This Supporting Character Is Definitely About to Die

Adventuring Farmhand I’m sore for home, Mister Barts. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is start a family. I’m going to hold hands with my lady Evyelynne for six hours, and as soon as that’s over, I’ve got a ring ready for the proposal. It’s just the simple life for … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

An Open Letter to the Eleven Adults Responsible for the Majority of Book Bans in Schools

Dear Eleven Adults Responsible for the Majority of Book Bans in Schools, I’m sorry for that cold salutation. I don’t know all your names yet. But shout out to you, Jennifer Petersen. The Washington Post reported that you’re one of the eleven, working from Spotsylvania, which I im … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Mary Bailey’s Christmas Week To-Do List

December 24 Deck the halls, etc. Prep full turkey dinner Make sure Janie nails down “Hark!” TINSEL See if George remembers to pick up the Merry Christmas wreath The families are coming. Spike the eggnog December 25 Clean the house because of the “miracle” (I didn’t know the entir … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Ishion Hutchinson

“What is terrifying about happiness? / Happiness.” It’s a line from Ishion Hutchinson’s 2016 book of poems, House of Lords and Commons, and its seeming plainspokenness is the kind exception that proves the rule of Hutchinson’s dazzling language in that book, and in his debut, Far … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Why We Are Retiring the Pillsbury Doughboy

Here at Pillsbury, we’ve made the difficult decision to retire our longstanding mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is a bad coworker and a relic of an office culture that is no longer acceptable in the modern era. He is seven feet tall, smells of yeast, and sleeps in his office. H … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

First Runner Up for the Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction: Maz Do’s “When the Moths Came”

The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of storytelling. Our first runner-up is Maz Do with “When the Moths Came” published in issue 72 of McSweeney’s Quarterly. - - -August when t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Announcing the Winner of the Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction

The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction honors the extraordinary work and life of long-time McSweeney’s author Stephen Dixon. The prize recognizes emerging fiction writers experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of storytelling. The inaugural winner of this year’s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

How Every Recipe on The Great British Baking Show Sounds to Us Die-Hard American Viewers

Ingredients 425 ml of Marley’s Spirit or Dandelion & Burdock Fizz 225 grammes of jellied eel blood (harvested by the muck swallows and mud larks that live under the Thames; if you can’t harvest fresh eel, store-bought is fine) 50 grammes of strong flour 50 grammes of piddling flo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Only One Person Is Allowed to Gentle-Parent My Kid, and That’s Keanu Reeves

When my child is enraged that they can’t have a bowl of whipped cream and sprinkles in the morning, you might think I’d acknowledge the lost dream of their dessert breakfast, eulogize their very real feelings about this, verbalize their anger, and tell them I understand. But if y … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

We Are Wirecutter, and Last Winter We Sent Eighty-Six Reporters to Test Fifteen Hundred Artificial Christmas Trees. Twelve Haven’t Returned

We believed we were capable of anything. We had already used 22,000 bagels to test 280 brands of toasters in North America. We sent twenty-five reporters to forty-five different countries to test six hundred kinds of alarm clocks. We recruited ninety ex-CIA operatives to embed th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Hungover Bear and Friends: Dream Big

To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s columnist, Ali Fitzgerald, won our Column Contest in 2013 with her comic “Hungover Bear and Friends,” which ra … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up

Cut my hair too short Start trimming my ear hair Force me to have an opinion on the ’86 Mets to avoid a lull in the conversation Cut my hair longer somehow Start using a product I don’t recognize Start using a product I do recognize: Kikkoman Soy Sauce Start talking about me on t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Inflation Is High, So I’m Voting for Gork the Merciless

It’s time to decide who will govern our people. We’ve been hit with higher-than-normal inflation and seen costs for basic commodities rise. That’s why I’m voting for Gork the Merciless to plunder our village. Gork has promised to slaughter our families, sell our children, burn ou … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Saying Yes to Every Add-On at Jiffy Lube

CLERK: Hi, Mr. Gordon. We’ll just get you checked in here and discuss options. For the oil change, we have standard oil, high mileage, and our premium full synthetic blend. ME: I’ll take full synthetic. CLERK: Okay, good choice. We’ve got your cabin air filter here, it’s a bit di … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One With the Lady Moderators

2024 REPUBLICAN 4TH GOP PRIMARY DEBATE TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA DECEMBER 6, 2023 - - -8:00 PM: The fourth and (hopefully) final primary debate opens by showcasing the GOP’s diversity with moderator Megyn Kelly, a blonde white woman, flanked by not one but two brunette white women. Kel … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Scenes from a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie Written by Someone Who Has Definitely Met a Jew

EXT. SMALL TOWN BUS STOP – DAY (A beautiful woman with slightly wavy brown hair steps off a bus. She’s RACHEL, a corporate lawyer from The Big City.) WOMAN ON BENCH (OLD): Shabbat Shalom! RACHEL: And also with you! WOMAN ON BENCH (OLD): Oh, dearie, you don’t look like you’re from … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Answering Questions at the Climate Summit After My Speech in Support of Oil World

“At least 2,456 fossil fuel lobbyists have been granted access to the Cop28 climate negotiations, according to an analysis.” — The Guardian, 12/5/23 - - -Why did you use your climate summit speech to promote Oil World? Oil World is a global leader in fighting the climate crisis. … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Anne Carson

Anne Carson’s writing does not concern itself with the question of genre, though it’s probably most accurate to think of her as a poet. Frequently she draws her materials from the distant past, often taking classical literature as a starting point. She does not derive from these … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

A Gift-Wrapping Guide for Recently Divorced Dads

Author’s Note: This article contains helpful tips for wrapping ONLY. For gift ideas, please see our previous guide for dads titled “WW2 Nonfiction and 12 Other Inappropriate Gifts For Tweens.” - - -Are you a middle-aged divorcé who’s spent one too many silent nights stuck inside … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

My Life Before and After Turning Twenty-Six and Losing My Parents’ Health Insurance

Age 25: Sure, I’ll try rock climbing. No harness? No worries. My life is carefree because I’ve never seen or paid for a medical bill. I watched Free Solo and thought, “Alex Honnold is definitely on his parents’ health insurance.” Age 26: I will never try rock climbing. In fact, I … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

I’m a Holiday Gift Guide Writer, and I Really Need You Pricks to Start Playing Backgammon

On the whole, I love my job writing holiday gift guides. I get to curate beautiful lists designed to help you, the consumer, bring joy to your loved ones. According to data from my affiliate links, you have been receptive to most of my suggestions, from cashmere gloves to fancy o … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

Fun Train to Fightville

To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s featured columnist, Susan Schorn, is a former Column Contest winner. She wrote sixty-one essays of Bitchslap, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

The National Lyrics or Things My Dad Says While Refusing to Check Google Maps?

1. “Go back to sleep, let me drive, let me think, let me figure it out.” 2. “I can’t get around the river in front of me.” 3. “I don’t know, the cookies make me nervous.” 4. “I’m so sorry, but the motorcade will have to go around me this time.” 5. “Why did you listen to that man? … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

A Message from the Chancellor on the Recent Student Protest

Dear members of the University community, The University administration respects all student protests, just not this one. Students have fought for many important causes over the years, and their right to protest is sacrosanct. In this case, however, we must arrest and slander the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

We Can’t Wait to Be Part of Your Neighborhood, but First We Need to Dig This Massive Hole

Hello there, neighbor. We are your friendly corporation moving in next door. We’re taking over this six-story building that used to house various small businesses, artists, and families. Integrating into your community is extremely important to us during this transition, so we’re … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

A Garnet Hill Lady Does MDMA

Let’s microdose in my softest micro French terry sweatshirt gown. Let’s do Molly under my heritage-quality Molly Patchwork Quilt. Let’s celebrate the happiest season with the hug drug and a cheeky panty in boiled wool. I live in the Garnet Hill catalog like Barbie lives in Barbie … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago

An Open Letter to the Family Court Lawyer Who Represented Me in 2012 and Sends Me a Holiday Card Every Year

Dear Pam, Thank you for thinking of me and my son for the past eleven years as you and the rest of your firm’s staff gather around to add your signatures and nothing else to the non-denominational Costco holiday cards you send out every December. The jolly gender-neutral snowpers … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 months ago