“Failing history. Insists on listing all dates as ‘Before Me’ and ‘After Me.’ Guidance counselor says that he is ‘unusually egocentric for a child of his age.’” “Chews gum during class. Once, when I asked if he’d ‘brought enough for the whole class,’ Jesus pulled the wad from his … | Continue reading
“I like to imagine that ‘Like a G6’ is what they play in the seventh ascension of the Galaxy Brain, a tesseract where linear time ceases to exist and the past and future become one.” - - - A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine critically unacclaimed works of art - - … | Continue reading
“The Blue Origin flight showcased the utter defeat of American feminism.” — Moira Donegan, The Guardian. - - - Jeff, my man. It’s Dave. How the hell are you? Oh, fine, fine. Wife’s good, kids are good. Great. Listen, uh—we got a situation. We forgot one. In space. No, not Katy Pe … | Continue reading
1. There’s an innovative American automotive manufacturer being run by a total bigot. 2. In large swaths of the country, a marginalized community is banned from using certain bathrooms for no other reason than to make their lives miserable. 3. Marijuana is legal in some states bu … | Continue reading
You thought this morning was going well, didn’t you? You even got your kid to put on their shoes without a ten-minute existential crisis about sock seams. You were this close to making it out the door unscathed. But you forgot one thing. Me. I am the zipper on this slightly-too-s … | Continue reading
Everyone looks to the stock market to figure out if we’re heading into a recession. Sure, it has some info—for example, the market right now would tell us we definitely are—but that’s not the only recession warning sign we should be on the lookout for. If you know where to train … | Continue reading
Dear Educator, As you are aware, your state legislature has mandated that the Ten Commandments be displayed in all publicly funded classrooms. Those funds are, of course, inadequate to equip and compensate you and your colleagues, thanks in part to your administration’s strategic … | Continue reading
I’m watching birds at all hours now. I can see thirty, fifty birds a week, sometimes even more if I don’t put it all in my journal. All the animals come out in the morning: blue jays, warblers, northern cardinals, hawks, sparrows, ruddy ducks. Someday, a real rain will come down … | Continue reading
Please take a few moments to let us know how you’d like your tax dollars spent by the Trump administration. 1. It’s important to me that my money supports… a) public television b) national parks c) irrigation for the Mar-a-Lago golf course 2. In this era of climate crisis, the go … | Continue reading
People think of Applebee’s as a safe suburban fixture, a place where people go for an innocuous meal at a reasonable price—but strap in, jagoff, because this Applebee’s is not like other Applebee’s. Instead of license plates and joyful Americana, our walls are festooned with divo … | Continue reading
- - - My latest book is called This Is How We Love: The Foto-Novel. It’s the story behind the worst movie to have ever won the Academy Award. Have you not heard of this movie? Let me tell you about it. But where to begin? Should we begin with the fabled “curse” that afflicted nea … | Continue reading
As a medical professional, I’ve dedicated my career to improving public health and promoting evidence-based practices. This is why I am here today to tell you that one of the most widely used tools for measuring obesity—body mass index (BMI)—is a failure. Now, as surgeon general, … | Continue reading
Women are just like bears. Each spring, we emerge from a winter-induced torpor state and begin the difficult process of relearning how to act like a (human) lady. Here’s a step-by-step guide for reentering polite society. 1. Move Slowly It’s important not to rush when burrowing o … | Continue reading
I was half-listening to a true crime podcast when the ad came on. I perked up when I realized it was for White Lotus branded coffee creamer. It promised something like a luxurious Thai vacation vibe without leaving your house, and I wondered if the ad writers had ever seen White … | Continue reading
Our tribe is facing an existential threat. Now is not the time for division. We must work together to protect our future. That’s why, instead of invoking the ten plagues and escaping to the Promised Land, we need to support the Pharaoh, no matter how detrimental he is to our trib … | Continue reading
“Long-threatened tariffs from U.S. President Donald Trump have plunged the country into trade wars abroad, all while on-again, off-again new levies continue to escalate uncertainty.” — PBS, 4/10/25 - - - We’ve all been there: You send a gang of plainclothes agents to abduct a wom … | Continue reading
Don’t be embarrassed, it’s a common mistake. You look around and think, Yep, this is it. Paramilitary deportations, apocalyptic foreign policy, and private corporations looting the federal government. This has to be the Fourth Reich. Not so fast, my friend. That’s a protected ter … | Continue reading
- - - Dear Readers, A few years ago, when my godson was graduating from high school, I went looking for a suitably impressive of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. I thought a well-made hardcover edition would make a great gift, given that Leaves of Grass is the closest thing we hav … | Continue reading
“President Trump on Wednesday abruptly reversed course on steep global tariffs that have roiled markets, upset members of his own party and raised fears of a recession. Just hours after he put punishing levies into place on nearly 60 countries, the president said he would pause t … | Continue reading
I’m not into politics. Never have been. That’s why it was so refreshing to have a candidate who wasn’t the same old same old, but a raging animated ape. Donkey Kong might not be the most sophisticated public speaker, but it sure was entertaining to go to his rallies. None of the … | Continue reading
3:45 a.m. – Wake naturally to the soft sigh of a ghost. Or maybe it’s the hum of the Amherst wind through the shutters. Either way, it’s a Sign. Do not question the Sign. 4:00 a.m. – Lie completely still and compose six hauntingly perfect quatrains in your mind. Refuse to scribbl … | Continue reading
1. Florida Intranational University 2. Johns Hopkins School of Remunerative Medicine 3. Facebook.edu/DeVry 4. Colorado School of Mines—Nuuk 5. Michigan State Online: East Lansing Cohort Cohabitation program brought to you by Airbnb 6. UMass MasterClass 7. Amazon Prime Learning Sc … | Continue reading
“President Herbert Hoover signed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act in 1930, even as many economists warned that the levies would prompt retaliatory tariffs from other countries, which is precisely what happened… Most historians look back on Smoot-Hawley as a mistake that made a bad eco … | Continue reading
“President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariff plans hammered global financial markets and U.S. stocks braced for more turmoil on Monday, after he warned foreign governments they would have to pay ‘a lot of money’ to lift the levies he called ‘medicine.’” — Reuters - - - I know it hur … | Continue reading
Dear Star Bank Customer, We’re writing to let you know that the Star Bank online portal is down today. You won’t be able to log in or access your money. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please don’t call or stop by the bank in person. It’s a mess right now. Sincerely, Star Ban … | Continue reading
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, because the chemical plant jaundicing the region was ordered by a court to create an alternative, protected footpath for local residents. Because I could not stop for Death, I paid $1,600 every month to COBRA until I died of measles, about whi … | Continue reading
I am out of the office today and Friday to solve every existential quandary I’ve been putting off arguably since 2023 when, as far as I can tell, I simply quit thinking. - - - Hi, I’m out of the office. If you have anything urgent, please get in touch with the fact that there’s p … | Continue reading
“I’m coming to Boston, I’m bringing hell with me.” —Tom Homan, “border czar” and former acting director of ICE - - - Hell is not a lake of fire, nor is it composed of the circles Dante envisioned, like an infant’s stacking toy. It’s not “The Bad Place” of sitcom fame, though it’s … | Continue reading
“My favorite moment in production is walking on set for the first time and thinking, This could go horribly. Because then you’re really risking something.” - - - Before Noah Hawley created his renowned television adaptation of the 1996 Coen brothers’ classic film Fargo, he spent … | Continue reading
1. White people achieve new levels of whiteness via their most privileged impulses. 2. The stars of the show are a group of entitled and insensitive characters who may or may not face the consequences of their own actions. 3. There will be some antagonists and villains from previ … | Continue reading
“A stunned world reckons with economic fallout from Trump’s tariffs. Not even America’s closest trading partners were spared by a policy broadside that spooked investors and left policymakers scrambling to formulate responses.” — New York Times - - - My fellow Americans, For far … | Continue reading
President Trump has announced a sweeping plan of tariffs against dozens of nations, including the Antarctic Heard and McDonald Islands, which are uninhabited by humans but very much inhabited by penguins. The fake liberal media criticized this as a mistake, but Trump’s tariffs ar … | Continue reading
Hey! Oh my god, I’m so glad I found you. I was starting to get worried. The game is about to start, and there’s no way I could even begin to pay attention until I found the one. The one other person of color at this hockey game, that is. You see, it’s a rule that we have to find … | Continue reading
“Danish Foreign Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen chastised U.S. officials following a trip by Vice President J.D. Vance to Greenland, saying the country is open to criticism but isn’t happy with how it’s being delivered.” — USA Today, 3/30/25 “The Kremlin said on Monday that Russia … | Continue reading
Local trains along the 1-2-3 line will be running express between Chambers Street and Fourteenth Street due to urgent repairs (all of the “C” tiles fell off of the “Canal Street” mosaic). Due to track maintenance, the A train will not be running between Canal Street and Fourteent … | Continue reading
Guten tag. I’m just wondering if anybody else can relate to this feeling I’ve been having that I just can’t shake. It’s only Tuesday, but what a week, huh? Just when we thought yesterday was another regular Monday, the Reichstag burned down, and it sounds like Chancellor Hitler i … | Continue reading
Dear ICE official(s), I noticed you recently detained your first Iranian foreign national. As a first-generation Iranian American, I’ve been conditioned to assume this is a testament to our great Persian culture. At least I’m sure that’s what my dad will say. Is he from Shiraz? I … | Continue reading
“The COVID-19 pandemic is over, and H.H.S. will no longer waste billions of taxpayer dollars responding to a nonexistent pandemic that Americans moved on from years ago.” — Andrew Dixon, spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services. - - - We in the federal governm … | Continue reading
You’ve probably wondered about me, the independent thinker in your social network. I’m one part libertarian, one part populist, and one part common sense. I care about the same things you do: a backyard BBQ with my neighbors, my family’s safety, and the sanctity of women’s colleg … | Continue reading
Young man, it’s time we had a talk. Your mother and I have never wanted to be those kind of strict, clueless parents who can’t understand what young people are into “nowadays,” but I have to put my foot down. You are forbidden from joining that rowdy, no-good Zorba the Greek fan … | Continue reading
A small percentage of my friends, coworkers, and loved ones may soon join the ranks alongside other hot liquids I slurp for nourishment. But there’s also an equally probable chance that this won’t happen, which means you’re overreacting a bit. People were once able to respectfull … | Continue reading
Welcome to Academia.edu. Now you can stay up-to-date with the latest research from academics around the world. Your monograph on Lord Byron’s juvenilia has a new reader. Your monograph on Lord Byron’s juvenilia has a new reader. Bad news: It’s a graduate student, and they are goi … | Continue reading
We walk among you, but you do not see us. We are your neighbors, but you do not know us. We work with you, but you do not respect us. We are the silent majority, the undervalued and underrepresented, the stoic and strong. We are the people who buy Red Delicious apples, and we are … | Continue reading
Dear Readers, Our latest issue is officially out in the world and live online today. Completing an issue of The Believer is a huge undertaking, made possible only by the dedicated work of our very small team of editors and designers. But we feel very lucky that we get to do this … | Continue reading
“A computerized system that calls balls and strikes is being tested during Major League Baseball spring training exhibition games after four years of experiments in the minor leagues.” — AP - - - Dave strikes out looking at a close pitch. HAL 9000: Strike three. You’re out, Dave. … | Continue reading
“The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body into a constitutional crisis.” - - - “He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universa … | Continue reading
“Let go of your hate.” “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.” “Some day you’re gonna be wrong; I just hope I’m there to see it.” “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” “You might wanna quit while you’re behind.” “Laugh it up, fuzzball.” “Thi … | Continue reading
Go to a festival or fair. Stand in the longest line you can find. Buy something you don’t want. Wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning. Make pancakes. Peel an orange. Fill two bottles of water. Sing the ABC’s twenty times. Do all of this before you have coffee. Bonus points if you … | Continue reading