Thanks for reaching out. I’ve stepped away from my office, but I’ll respond promptly when I return. To clear up any confusion, please be advised that: I don’t suffocate people with pillows. Hexes cost extra. I don’t know Florence + The Machine personally, although I have memoriz … | Continue reading
I’m reaching out because, well, I’ve got this shipment of 2.1 million barrels of crude oil, and I would LOVE it if I could just squeeze on by and pass through the Strait of Hormuz? Honestly, no worries if not, though! It’s just that the vast amount of crude oil I have aboard is t … | Continue reading
“After agreeing to sell all its assets last month for less than 1 percent of its previous $4 billion valuation, the shoe company Allbirds announced on Wednesday that it would ‘pivot its business’ to artificial intelligence.” — New York Times - - -We at Fisher-Price have always be … | Continue reading
Yikes, look at all these burnt-out doctors and over-extended nurses barely keeping up with the preventable ailments of a populace too busy working to take care of itself. I can plainly see the staff is so used to bending over backward, they won’t admit they’re broken. It’s a damn … | Continue reading
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - - | Continue reading
Harry, 18 Only son, set to inherit a great fortune: land, absolute power, direct connection to God, and more. Seeking a slightly older woman, preferably of Spanish royal blood, willing to testify to papal court that she hasn’t already slept with my (deceased) older brother to who … | Continue reading
April 1965 Meeting to Discuss Boob Cancer Problem CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts. TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me. FRANK: Me too. CARL: As medical professionals, it’s incumbent upon us … | Continue reading
Let me be the first to congratulate you on seeking help. As a clinician, I know it takes great courage to confront wedding planning. It’s a terminal condition, of course, but there are ways to cope. First, know that there is no wrong way to respond to wedding planning. Everyone h … | Continue reading
“President Trump lashed out at Pope Leo XIV in a lengthy social media post Sunday night, calling the pontiff ’WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy.” — CBS News - - -As Republicans, we were excited when the Catholic Church elected an American pope. America is the greates … | Continue reading
Out of the blue, my childhood friend and former neighbor Rita texted me a while ago to tell me that she had gone back to Lebanon, where we both grew up, for the first time in forty-three years. A few seconds later, she sent me several photos. One showed the building we both lived … | Continue reading
Take a casual swig of club soda disguised as vodka soda every time you attend a gathering and are trying to hide that you’re newly pregnant. Take a tiny, carefully controlled sip of water every time you vomit. Take another sip of water every time you vomit up the water you just s … | Continue reading
“Eric Swalwell, a Democratic congressman from the San Francisco Bay Area, said on Monday that he is resigning after allegations he sexually assaulted a former staff member and engaged in misconduct with other women.” — New York Times - - -I’m sure the many people who called for … | Continue reading
After weeks of debating, I finally got a walking pad that I can slide right under my bed and never step foot on. It’s so sleek and light, you can store it anywhere and forget you ever bought it. I make health a priority by spending money on things that I’ll use a few times, then … | Continue reading
“Vice President JD Vance’s failure to win the concessions the United States sought from Iran in a single, marathon negotiating session over its nuclear program was no surprise… The failure leaves the Trump administration facing several unpalatable options.” — New York Times - - - … | Continue reading
How do I find my local H&R Block? Enter your zip code on our website to find an H&R Block near you. Alternatively, just drive by any property that used to contain a Spirit Halloween. Can I file my taxes online? You can, but it hurts our feelings when you use our services without … | Continue reading
- - -Fishing apparel mentioned: A tarpon-wear shirt Old bib-front overalls Bow ties and club blazers Jean shorts - - -It will come as no surprise to longtime readers of Thomas McGuane’s work that while I was speaking with him, I was moved by his kindness, his incisive insight, … | Continue reading
“The Birth Rate Is Falling, and It Has Nothing to Do with the Cost of Housing, Health Care, or Childcare. It’s Women” “The Falling Birth Rate: A Crisis with Many Complex Causes, All of Them Female” “Women Cite ‘Financial Instability’ for Not Having Children. What Aren’t They Tell … | Continue reading
Dear Hiring Manager, I am setting aside my aspirations and sense of self-worth to apply for the Global Account Project Management Executive position at Capital Ventures. Despite my disdain for and ethical opposition to generative AI, I’ve asked ChatGPT to write this cover letter … | Continue reading
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - - | Continue reading
My Dear Third Grader, I am terribly sorry you got sick at school this morning. I should have believed you when you said you were not feeling well, even if this was your tenth time saying that this month alone. I should have sensed that today would be the day when you would arrive … | Continue reading
Look, we all know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’re a month into a war that even the most die-hard MAGA loyalists didn’t want, and things have gotten so bad that it finally broke Tucker Carlson. He’s beginning to say things that almost sound sensible. But just because we’r … | Continue reading
As a longtime gym-goer, I am the target audience for all manner of protein-packed bullshit. Protein coffee? Can’t start the day without it. Protein salsa? Pass the chips. At the height of my weightlifting fixation, there were years when the friendly snake-oil salesmen at GNC got … | Continue reading
“In a series of Situation Room meetings, President Trump weighed his instincts [about going to war with Iran] against the deep concerns of his vice president and a pessimistic intelligence assessment. Here’s the inside story of how he made the fateful decision.” — An excerpt fro … | Continue reading
Calm down. I don’t necessarily see what all the fuss is about. In all honesty, I also read the Dread Lord Nyarlathotep’s post this morning and was surprised by it, same as you. We all know he’s the Crawling Chaos, and that title implies a certain degree of unpredictability. But e … | Continue reading
- - -McSweeney’s contributor Johanna Gohmann channels the chaos and charm of life with a toddler into All Toddlers Are Scorpios a hilarious astrology guide illustrated by cartoonist (and McSweeney’s contributor) Emily Flake. We’re thrilled to share an excerpt today from the book’ … | Continue reading
When my country attacked my country, I cheered with enthusiasm and gasped in horror. “Now they’d get what they deserved, those bastards,” I said in the angry tone of the men I’d watched in black and white movies about World War II. Then I beat my chest and wailed and tried to pul … | Continue reading
#———————————————— #File: exist.female #Last Updated: Before you were born #Status: Auto-enrolled #Effective Date: Immediately #Opt-Out: Not Available #Note: You did not click anything. #Note: It’s still your problem. #————————————————- INIT woman(); #———————————... | Continue reading
My God. What has happened to the Republican Party? The Party of Lincoln, for goodness’ sake! Nothing about them resembles the Party of Lincoln. Like, for instance, they have a signature hat, but it’s not a stovepipe one. They don’t wear blankets over their shoulders and laps indo … | Continue reading
Wherever I look, my gaze can find something horrific on which to focus. Whether it be news of atrocities committed by our fascist-leaning governments, obvious acceleration towards environmental collapse, or the Criterion Collection’s glaring omission of the Jackass series, heinou … | Continue reading
- - -FEATURES: Middle-aged athletes Scoobers Coke Slurpees The unknowable future - - -In July of 2025, I flew out to Aurora, Colorado, with my wife and some friends to see if we were still the best forty-something ultimate frisbee players in the United States of America. We’d b … | Continue reading
I hope you’re proud of yourself, Harold. That nice Jesus boy has died, and it’s all your fault. He had prospects, that Jesus, a nice carpentry business going. And that voice! He could climb a mount and give a sermon, and you’d be rapt. Rapt, I tell you! And now, pfffft. All becau … | Continue reading
Let me make something crystal clear to members of the press. I didn’t come to Washington to play games. I didn’t come here to pose for the cameras or rub elbows at some swanky Georgetown cocktail party. I came here for one reason only: to represent the good people who live in my … | Continue reading
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - - | Continue reading
Well, my first question is: Why do you care so much about Steve Kim? He was your college roommate? Who cares? When was the last time Steve Kim acted in an era-defining hockey romance that centers queer desire within a relentlessly heteronormative sports milieu, thereby demanding … | Continue reading
The following are excerpts from an unpublished 1971 Rolling Stone exposé that was scuttled by the Nixon administration, but which has recently been made public through a Freedom of Information Act request. - - -The Lunar Module. An American flag. Lots and lots of gray rocks. If I … | Continue reading
I am proud of how far I’ve come. I started as a Passover food, but now grocery stores display me for all Jewish holidays, even the ones where people fast all day. I am allowed to feel salty. I am allowed to feel bitter, especially when I’m dipped in horseradish. I am allowed to f … | Continue reading
Hey, it’s Mark—your therapist’s therapist. I’m sure you’re really looking forward to your appointment with Joan this week, and I wouldn’t normally do this… but I think you should probably start considering other providers. I’m not telling you to abandon ship. Just, you know, mayb … | Continue reading
Dear Customer, We wanted to give you a heads-up about upcoming changes to Marshmallow Puffer’s loyalty program. Starting next month, this is no longer a loyalty program. It’s a fealty program. It is no longer about transactional points where you get a birthday keychain in the for … | Continue reading
Meet the future of back office automation: AutoMates. Our product identifies legacy process-driven, rule-based back-office tasks and streamlines them through clear process mapping and the automation of human-augmented workflow nodes. It then facilitates the execution and disposal … | Continue reading
We’re looking for a unicorn. A creative type with an analytical brain. A rule breaker and a team player. Rainbow horn and silver blood. What will be your job? The better question is, what won’t be your job? You’ll do it all. Come up with big ideas. Bring those ideas to life. And … | Continue reading
Ever since I was a baby, I’ve wondered if my mother disappeared when she put her hands in front of her face. It was like magic: First, she was right there in front of me, and then with a wave of her fingers, she completely vanished. Even now, as an adult, I still can’t figure out … | Continue reading
- - -Favorite foods to eat while swimming a great distance, according to Amy Appelhans Gubser: Sweet canned peaches in syrup, to cut the salt from ocean water Mashed potatoes with butter, squeezed from a plastic bag Warm bone broth and Carbo-Pro powder, guzzled from a bottle - … | Continue reading
Tired of our regular meals? Looking for something exotic and authentic? Will frying another skinless chicken breast make you lose your will to live? Then it’s time to subscribe to HelloFresh Indian Mom. Personally curated by hundreds of Indian moms, our new meal kits share ancien … | Continue reading
Back in my day, there wasn’t an endless collection of readily available emojis to express any emotion you wanted. No, we had to work hard and make our own emojis all by ourselves. There was no premade smiley face. There was only (colon+right parenthesis) or, if you were feeling f … | Continue reading
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - - | Continue reading
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure … | Continue reading
In light of recent rollbacks on environmental protection, we, the creators behind the beloved birding app Merlin Bird ID, have preemptively shifted into the field of argument identification. Our highly accurate predictive models have shown that while most birds won’t be around mu … | Continue reading
To: cutthebull@Ɣmail.com From: panta.rhei@eristikosinsurance.com Subject: Your pending boat insurance claim – more information needed Hi Mr. Theseus, Thanks for submitting your claim. We’re sorry to hear that your ship sank in the localized typhoon that recently demolished the At … | Continue reading