O, How I Miss the Nightclub!

O, how I miss the nightclub!Her neon sign flickers through the smog: “Chateau Chateau.”Her sweet stench (garbage, sweat) swaddles me like a babe.... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 hours ago

We Are Hastily Reopening Disney World in the Middle of a Pandemic with This New Set of Safety Measures

“The world is a different place, but we feel really prepared to operate in this new environment that we’re in,” says Josh D’Amaro — the new chairma... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 hours ago

This is a Hard Time for Everyone

Social WorkerYale New Haven HealthNew Haven, CT- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 hours ago

Welcome to LobsterClass, the MasterClass Knockoff Operated By Lobsters

[DISCLAIMER: This course is not a lesson in how to eat a lobster (we’re not ignorant, but we’re not morbid, either), or how to become a lobster (to... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 hours ago

Security Questions for Academics Approaching the Fall 2020 Semester

1. What is the middle name of the person who founded your school and thus unwittingly triggered this descent into hell you’re now experiencing?2. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

We at Anthropologie Will Be the Harbingers of Racial Justice

In light of recent events, we here at Anthropologie would like to take a minute and reflect on how our company can do better for our customers and ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

The Instinct to Help

Editorial FellowNew England Journal of MedicineBoston, MA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of d... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

Jury Deliberations In a Highly Contentious Murder Trial or Potty Training a Toddler?

1. You’ll be given a set of rules to follow that everyone will promptly ignore.2. No one is allowed to leave the building until a solution has bee... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

A Short History of the Irish Rampage and Eventual Norse Defeat of Muirchertach “Leathercloaks” Mac Néill for Bostonians, Part 2

Read Part 1- - -Art by Matt Smith- - -So now Muirchertach n’ his guys ahr rampagin’ all ovah fuckin’ Ireland wearin’ their iconic leathahcloaks ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-796

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 days ago

Foolproof Safety Tips for Teachers Returning to the Classroom

With a few basic household items and modified mechanical devices, you’ll be fully prepared for a safe and effective re-entry into in-person classro... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 days ago

A Conversation Between Jose Antonio Vargas and Yosimar Reyes on the DACA Supreme Court Decision

DACA recipient Adrián Escárate hosted a conversation between Jose Antonio Vargas, undocumented journalist, filmmaker, and founder of Define America... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 days ago

An Influencer Wearing an “All Platforms Matter” T-shirt Steadies Her iPhone For a Facebook message to her 3.4M Followers

Chelsey Chelz here. Are you running out of things to watch on Netflix and Amazon Prime during the pandemic? Watch me, Chelsey Chelz, this evening... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 days ago

The Colorblind Rainbow Center for Campus Diversity Seeks a New Director to Tell Us That Nothing Is Wrong

College University is thrilled to announce our search for the Director of the Colorblind Rainbow Center for Campus Diversity (CRCCD). Despite layof... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

Quarantine Protest Signs from the Black Death

#ReopenKaffeTheatre Troupes Are Essential!Squires Against LockdownDon’t Believe the Liberal Printing Press!The Black Mongol DeathNo Mandatory ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

COVID Diaries: A Medical Student Coming of Age

Stanford University School of MedicineStanford, CA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

The Broken Lives Behind the Illustrative Math Word Problems

1. “Lin and Tyler are drawing circles. Tyler’s circle has twice the diameter of Lin’s circle. Tyler thinks that his circle will have twice the are... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

Dispatch 51: Anonymous Celebrity, or the House That “Something Stupid” Built

Met the man who developed the system of international symbols we all know — woman with triangle skirt, straight-armed man, cigarette with “NO” slas... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

My Toddler Emails a Complaint to Customer Service

SUBJECT: Please Help, My Mommy® of Two Years Malfunctioning?ATTN: Customer Service RepresentativeI am writing to you seeking assistance with a p... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

This Has Been Happening Forever, But Never So Close to Me

My name is Amaya Ibañez-Brown, I am 12 years old and live in South Minneapolis. On Tuesday morning, May 26, I heard about the terrible murder of Ge... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

I Do Not Choose to Write My 902-Page Fantasy Ninja Thriller — I Am Compelled To

It has never been a choice for me. Just a feeling I get. It starts with a kind of rumbling, almost like an earthquake from the dark pit of my stoma... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Knotted Ribbon

- - -Shortly after my husband and I moved to Charlotte from Chicago, I made a trip back to Illinois to help my dad go through my mom’s things. In ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Discipline-Specific Guidelines for Classroom Social Distancing

Dear Faculty,We realize that it may be difficult to grasp how social distancing will work in college classrooms this fall. To better aid you in pr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

Signs You’re a Black Character Written By a White Author

Your skin is like a chocolate latte with swirls of caramel drops.Sometimes you say, “Oh word?” even when no one is speaking.The other characters ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

The Dog Whisperer of the ICU

Duke University Medical CenterDurham, NC- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

So, You Want to Direct a Community Theater Musical Production

Congratulations! Your MFA in directing is about to be put to good use, effectively proving your father wrong about your job prospects. Your firm gr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

The Fourth of July: Myth vs. Fact

MYTH: Fireworks are an all-American pastime.FACT: Fireworks were invented in China, but America was the first country to discover their use for t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

We Apologize That Instead of July Fourth Bunting, We Accidentally Shipped You a Box Full of Snakes

As America’s seventh-ranked patriotic bunting company, we’re proud to fulfill all of your Fourth of July decorating needs this year. Also, due to a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

Of Plague and Plenty

Medical Director La Familia Medical CenterSanta Fe, New Mexico- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

It’s Time to Sign the Declaration of Independence, and I, Elbridge Gerry, Will Have the Biggest Signature of All

This is it. July 4th, 1776. You’ve waited a long time for this, Elbridge, my boy. All those hot days and boring debates were worth it just for this... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

The Best Thing About Each Amendment in the Bill of Rights, in Haiku

1.Leaving a voicemailOn your Senator’s phone lineCalling him “spineless”2.How would we settleOur disputes if it weren’t forDuel by combat?3... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

Kink-Shaming and a Cover-Up: Benjamin Franklin and the Story of the US Standard Measurement System

Our story takes us back to the founding of the United States, when it was nothing more than a newborn nation without a proper system of measurement... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

A Wake Up Call

I’m a digital video producer for a news organization, and after a long week of covering news centered around protests and scrolling through my own ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

We Have Heard Your Complaints About Police Brutality and We Are Solving the Problem By Inserting a CGI Black Character Into Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Demonstrations against police brutality and systemic racism over the past month have made clear that change is necessary. But I’ve been wondering: ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

We Shouldn’t Presume That the Velociraptor Experts Know the Best Way to Deal With Velociraptor Attacks

“Sen. Rand Paul aggressively questioned the guidance of federal health experts at a Senate committee hearing Tuesday, including Dr. Anthony Fauci,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Canadian Proverbs

If at first you don’t succeed, try again in French.The journey of a thousand kilometres begins with a single step.The best things in life are fre... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Remotely Piloted Medicine System

Advanced Practice Registered NurseYale-New Haven Hospital New Haven, CT- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Dude, You’ve Gotta Check Out This Virginia Woolf Chick

Yo, Tanner! Get your dick over here; I’ve got a Four Loko with your name on it.Yeah, bro, so far my summer has been tight tight tiiiiiight — thank... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

“Show Me That Smile Again”: An Oral History of the Theme Song to Growing Pains

When Growing Pains debuted in 1985, few could have predicted that its theme song, “As Long As We Got Each Other,” would become arguably the best an... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Would-You-Rathers for Parents During Quarantine

Would you rather be isolating with one child that requires entertaining, or multiple children that require you to break up fights over whose turn i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

It’s a Simple Question: Why?

Black folks have always done the heavy lifting. We have asked for humanity. We have asked to be seen. We asked for legislation. We have asked white... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

But Nyarlathotep Promised Us New Cenobite Judges Dedicated to Women’s Suffering!

“The Supreme Court on Monday struck down a Louisiana law that could have left the state with a single abortion clinic. The vote was 5 to 4, with C... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Help, I’m Running Out of Ways to Make Showering in Europe Difficult

In my 20-something year career as France’s leading shower designer, I have created every imaginable variety of highly unusable water dispensary sys... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

8 Ways Men Can Wear Face Masks and Still Feel Manly

“Dick Cheney says WEAR A MASK. #realmenwearmasks” — Rep. Liz Cheney“Men less likely to wear face masks because they’re ‘not cool’ and ‘a sign of w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Telemedicine Forces Me to Trust My Patients

Assistant Professor of Family MedicineCooper Medical School of Rowan UniversityCamden, NJ- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Cur... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

The Brave Little Toaster’s Radical Manifesto

The Brave Little Toaster was a book before it was a movie. Before the book, there was not simply the toaster, but many toasters, whose stories neve... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

A Message from Your University’s Vice President for Magical Thinking

Dear University Community,Since we first announced our plans to reopen this fall (a far too early decision given the lack of reliable data about t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Decoding Your Teenager’s Glares: A Comprehensive Guide

Even though your teenager currently seems unable to speak to you, they actually are capable of communicating — through their glares. You may be thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago