Our New Skin Serum is Anti-Aging, Anti-Wrinkle, Anti-Old, and Deeply Ageist to Its Core

We here at Clarity Cosmetics are thrilled to announce the rollout of our debut skin-care oil. Our new anti-aging, blemish-reducing serum will have your skin looking better and more youthful than ever. There are, however, a few things we’d like to get ahead of regarding this produ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 hour ago

First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes

“Mrs. Robinson, are you stuck in the dryer?” — The Graduate (1967) “You’re gonna need a boat. Wait, are we on a boat? Fuck, I’m so high right now.” — Jaws (1976) “Leave the gun, take the never-ending breadsticks.” — The Godfather (1972) “There’s no crying in baseball, unless it’s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 hours ago

We’re Sorry We Caused the Tampon Shortage

You may have heard that the reason shelves aren’t stocked with a hundred kinds of tampons right now is due to forces vexing the global economy. Like fuel costs, labor shortages, and the supply chain. But really, it’s our fault. We can’t stop making tampon crafts. Yes, we know the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 hours ago

Why I Am Not a Writer

Joyce spent twenty-nine thousand hours writing Ulysses. Vonnegut spent twenty-three years writing Slaughterhouse Five. Hemingway rewrote The Sun Also Rises fifty times. “Really great fun,” Wodehouse said of his time in a German internment camp. When he was twelve years old, Dicke … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 hours ago

I’m the Last Bottle of Ketchup at Mar-a-Lago and I Live in a State of Constant Fear

“Former Trump White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified on Tuesday that former President Trump was so upset that then-Attorney General William Barr dismissed claims of widespread election fraud that he threw his lunch at the wall in the West Wing dining room… ‘I first noticed … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 hours ago

We Are an Anti-Abortion Couple, and Don’t Worry, We Will Adopt Your Baby

We are an anti-abortion couple, and we are here to save you. Because if you agree not to have an abortion, we will adopt your baby for you. You just found out you’re five weeks pregnant, and although the fetus growing inside you is barely the size of a sesame seed, we’d like you … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: One Word: Abortion

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

Sure, the Supreme Court Is Making Some Bad Decisions. But at Least the Rest of Their Decisions Are Also Bad

Look, I’m right there with you—the current version of the United States Supreme Court has made some pretty bad decisions recently. But here’s the thing: if you take a moment, step back, and look at the big picture, you’ll see that the rest of their decisions have also been bad. I … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

Robin Tyler

Dan Pasternack grew up in Los Angeles in the 1970s and ’80s, voraciously consuming Looney Tunes cartoons, Marx Brothers’ movies, old-time radio shows, the Dr. Demento radio show, and stand-up comedians on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He went on to become a stand-up comic … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

Help Support Safe Travel for Abortion Care

McSweeney’s supports the Brigid Alliance, a nonprofit that for five years has provided travel, food, lodging, child care, and other logistical support for people who need to travel to access safe abortion. Founded in 2017, the Brigid Alliance has seen the need for their services … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

We’re the Supreme Court and, Honestly, We Just Want You All to Die

Hey, America, it’s us, the Supreme Court of the United States. We heard you shouting outside our houses that one time, which was really scary. But we’re ready to have a conversation now, by which we mean, we’re ready to talk and we hope you’re ready to listen. We understand that … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

Today’s Meeting of the Congressional Bipartisan A Cappella Coalition

“House Democrats called ‘f***ing useless’ for singing ‘God Bless America’ by Capitol after Roe ruling.” – The Independent 6/25/22 - - -Great job singing on the steps, everyone! I know it was a sad occasion, but you all really rocked it out there. Getting that performance together … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

We Would Do Something, But Then We Wouldn’t Have the Power to Do Something, So We Can’t Do Something

We can agree that the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was a shock to us all. Who could have predicted the recent events our supporters have been predicting would happen for years? And honestly, it’s disappointing to find out that our friends across the aisle have … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

The Virgin Mary Reclaims Her Birth Story

These are the generations of Jesus Christ. My grandmother begat my mother, my mother begat me, and I begat Jesus, but Jesus didn’t beget crap-all, so I had to rely on my other kids to give me grandchildren. Now, in those days, there was much sexism and much stoning of women who “ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

We’ve Finally Maximized Both the Number of Guns and the Number of Babies Who Can Get Murdered by Guns

At long last, we here at the GOP have finally achieved our goals of forcing women to give birth and allowing more people to have guns. This master plan perfectly combines our two passions: our steadfast belief that women shouldn’t have control over their own bodies, and our distu … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

I’m Closing My Evil Lair and Hiring Corporate Lobbyists

My dastardly and despicable reign as a supervillain has been filled with the most creatively vile plans: space lasers to boil the oceans, weather machines to freeze the sun, even time machines to change the course of history. But none have helped me achieve world domination. Now, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

Machine Gun Headlight Sport Club v. Indiana, 2023

“Signaling a shift that will reverberate nationwide, the Supreme Court ruled 6 to 3 to strike down New York’s gun law, likely limiting the ability of state and local governments to restrict guns outside the home.” – New York Times, 6/23/22 - - -ON WRIT OF CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

For Pride Month, Disney Proudly Announces Its First Openly Closeted Characters

Hello, Disney Adults and Assorted Alphabet People — Every June, we at the House of Mouse use LGBTQ+ Pride Month to be proud of our best deeds as your allies. From our first openly g-y character (legal has advised us not to write the g-word in full, in compliance with Florida law) … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: The Wombs of China

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Before You Enjoy Your Summer, Here Are Some Minor Budget Cuts for Next Year’s High School Music Program

Dear Teachers — Congrats on such a successful year for the music program. I’ve heard that everyone loved the concerts and the halftime shows. The students are still talking about how much fun they had on the end-of-year trip funded entirely through your candy bar sales. Plus, you … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

Is It Your First Summer After College or Did Your Toddler Just Become Eligible for the COVID-19 Vaccine?

1. You have been questioning what you are doing with your life for the past two years. 2. You have the impulse to make out with a lot of people. 3. You are looking for work. 4. Your family just doesn’t seem to get it. 5. You fell asleep while watching cartoons. 6. You feel like y … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

Remembering Jay Hopler

Our friend Jay Hopler passed away on June 15, 2022. We’ll use this space to post memories and tributes to Jay by those who knew him. - - -I first met Jay Hopler in 2004, when he was a finalist for the Yale Series of Younger Poets Prize. Like others who were finalists during my ti … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

An Open Letter to White People Inquiring Whether I Know That One Indian Person They Know

Dear White People, Hello, and welcome to my special world. I am Indian, and as many of you have already surmised, I have an amazing skill. I know every other Indian in the world. How else could it be that upon meeting me, and recognizing—from my characteristic countenance, dead-g … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

The Events of January 6th Were a Patriotic Fight for Liberty Where Nothing Bad Happened. Also, the Democrats Did It

“A quarter of Republicans view the January 6 attack as justified. Republicans are also more likely to blame left-wing activists than Trump supporters for the riot.” — The Washington Post - - -As the January 6th Committee’s public hearings grip our nation, we wholly condemn the De … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: Coat Hangers Belong Only in Closets

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

Jay Hopler, 1970-2022

- - -Jay Hopler, 51, award-winning poet and translator, was himself translated from one register of existence to another on June 15, 2022. He died at his home in Salt Lake City, Utah, one week after the publication of his third collection of poetry, Still Life, which he began wri … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

This Father’s Day, Give Your Dad the Only Gift He Really Wants: A Story about How You Found a Great Parking Spot

Hey, honey, it’s me, Dad. Decades of Father’s Day gifts from you have proven that you know only one thing about me: that I identify as a male. You’ve given me literally eight ties, even though surely the only time you’ve seen me wear one was at Poppy’s funeral. I don’t remember w … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: David Baker

The tone of David Baker’s poems is appealing. By which I mean beautiful, but also something more specific than that; they make a sound that’s believable, intelligent, humane, self-aware but not self-absorbed, mysterious, and stranger each time you hear it. After the bounty of Swi … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Recipes from the Cookbook of the Dad Who’s a Little Too Attached to His College Years

Hot Dog Ingredients: 1 hot dog 1 bun Directions: 1. Poke holes in the hot dog because otherwise, it might explode. 2. Put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. 3. Put hot dog in bun. 4. Boom! That’s all you need to do! - - -Stir Fry! Ingredients: Oh man, just go down to the sup … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

How to Give Directions Like My Dad

Assume your audience has the same deep knowledge of local landmarks and geography as you. Deny the existence of digital mapping technology. Ask your audience whether they’re “looking to take Route 24,” as if they know what you’re talking about. Be reminded of a story about your f … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Home for Father’s Day Jorts Bingo

Home for Father's Day Jorts Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: Little Green Light

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

James Joyce Writes Ad Copy for Big Brands

Jeep Quoquam, Déan rud ar bith. Go anywhere, do anything. Quoquam, Déan rud ar bith. Top onsa! Top offsa! Doors onsa! Doors offsa! Ho ho ho! Invariably the individual who finds themselves in a metallic cavern with leatherette upholstery finds themselves waving to and fro with the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Welcome to Your Blue Cross Blue Shield GoFundMe PPO

We know health care can seem complicated, but with your new GoFundMe PPO, it doesn’t have to be. Once you’ve hit your deductible and out-of-pocket max, Blue Cross will automatically launch your GoFundMe campaign, so you can get the coverage you need. At this point, you may be say … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Jesús Castillo

What’s common, nearly erased, ugly, or individual in the absurd theater of collective reality—these are the sources of beauty in Jesús Castillo’s poetry. What Remains, his cool and gorgeous monolithic first book, worked with a single repeated shape—forming a wall of text, page af … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Who Do I Talk to About the Gay Dads in My Child’s Class?

When I learned two gay families would be part of my kid’s first-grade class, I tried to stay open-minded. But with school winding down and pride month ramping up, I must blow the lid off the perverse way these gay dads molested my values—by being so goddamn boring all year. It st … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

My Favorite Controlled Substance Is Daycare

Forget snorting that Snoo and huffing that Nugget. This is the real stuff. It’s expensive, it’s addictive, it’s impossible to get your hands on, and the government definitely doesn’t want you to have it: it’s called daycare. The first time I tried daycare—my kid contentedly tucke … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Jay Hopler

Jay Hopler, poet of Florida and storms and Rome and roosters, has published three books, a trilogy of elegies. In the first, Green Squall, he records—among many other meditations—a father dying and a mother “going / Crazy over it.” Yet the book is as funny and delirious—language- … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

It’s Hard Out There for White Male Authors

“In an interview with The Sunday Times, author James Patterson lamented the struggle he says white men now face finding writing jobs in film, theater, TV, and publishing industries. He called it ‘just another form of racism’ … ‘What’s that all about?’ Patterson asked rhetorically … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

I Know What’s Best For You All Over the World: Safety Net

I Know What’s Best for You: Stories on Reproductive Freedom, edited by Shelly Oria, is a multigenre anthology with a focus on the crisis of reproductive rights in the United States. The book’s international supplement features sixteen additional works of fiction, nonfiction, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

Increasingly Difficult Situations to Catch a Foul Ball in the Stands

Wearing a glove Not wearing a glove Wearing two gloves Holding a beer Drinking a beer Drinking two beers Drinking two beers while wearing a glove Drinking two beers while wearing two gloves Holding a baby Holding a sleeping baby Holding two babies while wearing a glove and drinki … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

Everyone Should Have to Use My Horrible Parking App

Hello, councilors. My name is Dave or something. I’m here on behalf of many well-groomed libertarians to speak with you about our new app, SPRUNK. SPRUNK streamlines parking by making everyone use an app that doesn’t work. SPRUNK will work with Apple Pay, but not really. SPRUNK—o … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Ange Mlinko

If Venice, Italy is the height of the sublime, then Venice, Florida—an ironic bestowal probably meant in earnest by some town father—may well be a kind of miniature American parody of the Queen of the Adriatic. The music of such earnest irony is the matter that Ange Mlinko makes … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

Running Can Cure Your Crippling Anxiety and Depression

Running is great. Running will make you look and feel great. When you are a running runner, you will wake up early every morning to run. You will jump out of bed early and you will throw on your new sweat-wicking technical outfit and you will cruise down your driveway into the de … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

We Are Sending an Obscene Amount of Stuff Home with Your Child on the Last Day of School

TO: All Fifth Grade Parents SUBJECT: Supply return Please be aware that we will be sending home all supplies, workbooks, and items we really should have just thrown away. If your child cannot carry everything home, you can stop by after 4 p.m. on the last day to collect their bel … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 days ago

Stop Politicizing This Thing That Can Only Be Solved Through Politics

We politicize every kind of tragedy these days, and it disgusts me. Take, for instance, this latest terrible thing that just happened. It’s awful—incomprehensible, even! But why do we need to bring politics into it? Because it’s the only way to make sweeping, long-term change? De … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 days ago

We, the Herbivores of Jurassic Park, Have Unionized. Here Are Our Demands

After numerous failed petitions and fruitless lobbying for our own health and safety, we, the herbaceous dinosaurs of Jurassic Park, have unionized. We demand safe living conditions and support systems to improve our survivability and buoy our sanity in the wake of repeated, dead … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 days ago

Yes, I Would Be Positively Delighted to Throw Away Your Trash

Please, children, hand me your trash. I love trash. The stickier, the better. If you have junk and the bin is too far away, I am your person. I am uniquely qualified within this family to place waste into various receptacles. This is my passion. This is what I live for. Has your … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago