Goodbye to All That: A Writer on Leaving Twitter

“Elon Musk has announced a general amnesty for suspended Twitter accounts in a move that brought a warning that ‘superspreaders of hate’ will return to the social media platform.” – The Guardian “Joan Didion’s 1967 essay ‘Goodbye to All That’ remains the permanent sunspot obscuri … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 hours ago

How to Brine a Turkey by H.P. Lovecraft

Originally published November 23, 2016. - - -This time of year all cabbalists, daemonologists, magicians, and the like share amongst their number one scrap of forbidden knowledge: that soaking a turkey overnight in a solution of salt and water ensures moist results. However, we’v … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 days ago

A Letter to McSweeney’s Readers

Dear reader, Consult the stack of reading material teetering on your nightstand or coffee table, and I hope you’ll find something from McSweeney’s 24-year literary legacy of independent publishing. A novel, an issue of our award-winning McSweeney’s Quarterly, Illustoria, or The B … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

As a Direct Descendent of a Mayflower Pilgrim, Thanksgiving Means a Little More to Me, Bartholomew Dunston Ratbait IV

In a meritocracy like the United States, fine breeding and birthright may seem like antiquated notions, but for a few storied American surnames (your Vanderbilts, your Buckleys, your Stone Cold Austins), the depth of your family tree’s roots can be a source of great pride and dis … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 5 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Rowan Ricardo Phillips

Rowan Ricardo Phillips doesn’t believe in repetition. Put another way, nothing repeats exactly, it’s not possible, and if it were it would be a kind of death by redundancy, a rending of time—so there are only echoes, reprisals, recurrences, ripostes, and relapses, but nothing eve … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

A Letter to Nancy Sinatra from Her Boots That Were Made for Walking

January 23, 1966 Hi Nancy! First of all, GREAT song. Honestly, Lee Hazlewood’s melody and lyrics, your spunky vocal. No wonder it’s such a hit. You deserve it! And as your footwear, I am excited to be a part of the collaboration. I have loved performing with/on you in Vegas and m … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

This Dojo Teaches Discipline, Honor, and That All Taxation Is Theft

Fitness is rooted in the belief that the individual, when freed from tyranny, can push themselves to achieve optimal conditioning. By walking through the doors of Fountainhead Jiu-Jitsu, you will find the physical and mental clarity to reach your full potential. So stretch out yo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

An Open Letter to the Nurses Who Will Spend Thanksgiving in the Hospital with My Family and Me

Dear Nurses, You’ve had my child in the pediatric ICU for a week now. This means you’ve had me and, by extension, my eccentric husband, who rolled into the hospital with two travel bidets and a cutting board, upon which he is currently threatening to carve an entire rotisserie ch … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

What to Do When You See Your Ex at Everlane

So you were admiring a taupe-colored sweater when you noticed your ex and his new girlfriend walking into the store. Here’s how to react. Scan the area and look for cover. Wonder if it’s possible to hide in a clothing store that looks like the minimalist love child of a Danish ar … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

I’m a Middle School Boy, and I Refuse to Wear Anything but Basketball Shorts in the Winter

Suck it, pants. I don’t care that it’s snowing; I refuse to wear anything but basketball shorts. I’m growing these ALMOST MAN LEGS and am workshopping MY NEWLY HAIRY CALVES to the world. Check out how dry my skin looks. It’s because my body is telling me that I’m suffering and ne … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Jason Roeder About Griefstrike!, His New McSweeney’s Humor Book About Grief

- - -When it comes to grief, there’s no room for second best. Sure, there are other guidebooks aimed at helping you cope with the emotional and practical challenges of losing a loved one. None, however, have been written by a comedy writer whose “therapeutic training” went no fur … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

“Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce”: Unpublished Excerpts from Bono’s Memoir

Bono’s new book, Surrender, is a memoir in forty reflections, each taking its name from a different U2 song. - - -Chapter 31: Vertigo Ah, yes: the “catorce” song. Let me kick this reflection off by getting something out of the way: You ungrateful pieces of shit. You just couldn’t … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

This Chicken Salad Has It All

Whoa, a chicken salad that has it all? Crazy! I bet it never even occurred to you that anyone might need or expect their chicken salad to have it all. Well, I am here to tell you that “it all” is what this chicken salad has. Take a look at the list of things had by this chicken s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

What I Would Tell My Five-Year-Old If He Said the Things Trump Said In His Speech Announcing His Run for President in 2024

“Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running again for president in 2024.” — NPR - - - “Tonight’s very special occasion is at … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 11 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Sandeep Parmar

When I showed Sandeep Parmar’s poems to a poet friend in the USA recently, he was stunned: “How come I didn’t know this amazing author of three books?” he asked. Indeed. In this time of pandemic when so few books from abroad are available in America, it is easy to miss an importa … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Richard Wagner’s The Ring of the Florida Man

I: The Suwannee Gold Florida Man Steals Gold from Skinny-Dipping Sisters After Being Told to Drown Himself Florida Man Attempts to Pay for Construction with His Own Daughter Despite Being Wealthy Lawmaker Florida Man Kidnapped After Bizarre “Shapeshifting Contest” Gets Violent Fl … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

I’m Wearing Tunics Now

This is an excerpt from the author’s funny new collection, which you can buy here. - - -You’ve probably all noticed that I recently switched up my personal style. That’s right, I’m wearing tunics now. That’s what this gorgeous piece of fabric draping my body is called. A tunic. I … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

Fifteen Ways to Share Your Joke After Twitter Implodes

1. Send your carefully crafted, pithy observation to the group text instead. Twenty minutes later, receive one “haha” from a high school friend. 2. Post your joke on Facebook. Attach a photo of a small child for the algorithm. Make your post invisible to your grandparents and you … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 12 days ago

The G20 Regrets to Inform You That You’re on Your Own

In these uncertain times, with soaring inflation, emerging and not-so-emerging global health crises, and increasing food insecurity, you are looking to global institutions such as ours to provide strong leadership and guidance. We would like to assure you that we take these conce … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Soups Are My Only Personality Trait Until Christmas

Do you feel that chill in the air? Do you see those leaves gently gliding down from their branches to pile up and decompose together? Do you hear that bubbling sound of some amalgam of vegetables, meat, and broth simmering together? That’s right, it’s Soup Season, and I won’t let … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Jay Gatsby Goes Full Self-Driving

I knew Gatsby was agitated about something when he sent workmen to my place to re-gravel my driveway and thatch the roof of my hovel. Then he appeared himself a day later in a dove-gray linen suit, a mauve silk shirt, and a dark silver metallic tie that said DUAL MOTOR in tiny pe … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Introducing Mr. Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir

Come one, come all! Behold the hitherto-unseen fast-acting powers of Mr. Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir. His is the one and only medicinal prescription sure to rid your business of any and all ailments, like profitability and popularity! Must be seen to be believed, and must be b … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

It’s Me, Your Thin Friend and Oh My God, I Feel So Fat

Hi there, it’s me, your longtime friend whose body has been impossibly well-toned for as long as you’ve known me. At fifty-two, I still look spectacular in just about any piece of clothing I put on, but holy moly, no, I don’t, because I feel so incredibly fat! I’ve been saying th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

A Parent’s Typical Day, as Envisioned by My Child’s Preschool

I get up at 4:30 a.m. for some pre-dawn food prep. Today, it’s my turn to bring a snack and read a story for my son Ash’s preschool class. The school does not allow nuts, dairy, eggs, sugar, or any pro-oxidant fruit. My snack will be simultaneously nutritious, allergen-free, and … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Jenny Xie

The Rupture Tense by Jenny Xie is a clinic, a schooling, in poetry as excavation. Xie’s poems probe the haze of memory, the sound of silence, the immensity of what got ground-under by the “velocity of so many decades” and—more exactly—the Cultural Revolution in China. “Intergener … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 18 days ago

Norman Bates Checks Out of Twitter

NORMAN BATES: Mother, I’m leaving Twitter. NORMAN’S MOM: (sighs) And where will you go, Norman? Where will you go? NORMAN: This is all your fault. Just like with the highway. MOM: They’re going to drain the swamp, and they’re going to find every single one of those cars, Norman. … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 18 days ago

The Time Has Come for Republicans to Take a Long Look in the Mirror and Keep Doing the Same Thing

“The Republican Party outside of Florida has no message. No discipline. No leadership. No courage to confront the important issues head-on. That’s why they’re losing to literally brain-damaged candidates. We need a total overhaul.” — Conservative commentator Matt Walsh, November … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 18 days ago

The World’s Richest Men Discuss the 2022 Midterm Election Results with Steve Kornacki

Fueled by an expanding class of billionaires, political spending on the 2022 midterm elections will shatter records at the state and federal levels.— New York Times - - -RON LAUDER (net worth $4.5b): Frankly, I’m disappointed. My mother, Estée, worked tirelessly to get herself ou … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 days ago

NIMBY Public Comment Bingo

NIMBY Public Comment Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 19 days ago

Rachel Maddow’s “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”

We’ve got a lot to get to tonight, but first, I want to tell you a story. It’s a story that begins 12,000 years ago with an invention that sparks the Neolithic Revolution and ends with a home invasion and a bear attack. Imagine this: you’re a bear. One of three. And like all bear … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

Are You Watching Election Night Coverage or Preparing for a Colonoscopy?

1. You wonder how much this is going to hurt. 2. You lose track of your drinking. 3. Your stomach is in knots. 4. Holy crap! 5. You keep googling possible outcomes. 6. You fear seeing red. 7. Your phone buzzes with messages from concerned friends and family. 8. The word “probe” m … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

The Inconsistencies in Plot, Character Development, and Basic Rules of Grammar in My Thirteen-Part Fantasy Series Can Be Explained by a Phenomenon Known as Purple Manna

I want to take this time to thank my fanbase for their devotion to reading all twelve volumes of my fantasy series, The Winds of Westerwhere Saga. I am now excited to share that volume thirteen, A Thorn of Jagged Daggers, will be out very soon. But I also want to address concerns … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

When to Turn Your Heat On in New England: A Decision Guide

When to Turn Your Heat On in New England: A Decision Guide | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 23 days ago

I Pledge to Accept the Results of the Election as Long as I Win

“Kari Lake, the Republican candidate for governor of Arizona, refused to commit to accepting the results of her election, using much of the same language that former President Donald J. Trump did when he was a candidate.” — New York Times - - -It has been brought to my attention … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 24 days ago

I’m from California and I Moved to Your State to Talk About How Everything Here Is So Much Cheaper

Hello, new friend. I’m so excited to meet my first local here at this adorable coffee shop. I can’t believe a latte only costs five dollars. What is this? A developing country? Ha ha, just kidding. I recently moved here from California, so everything seems cheap to me. Why did I … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 24 days ago

What the Hell Else Has to Happen for You to Get Off Your Butt and Vote?

Iced lattes become illegal, oat milk outlawed Every American citizen required to purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of My Pillows per month Christian prayer now required before pumping gas Registered Democrats must wear crying emoji badge You’ll be told, “COVID’s over, asshole,” o … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 25 days ago

An Open Letter to People Who Think They Can Survive as a Black Person in America

Dear Wannabes, Can you survive as a Black person in America? You can’t. It takes a special skill to be amongst us. We have a set of rules to ensure you stay alive. Now I’ll try to keep it simple but pay attention because it’s death row out here. Now ladies, sit up straight. Be a … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 25 days ago

I’m a Driver in a Subaru Commercial. Please Send Help

As I drive down this winding, picturesque highway, I look around at the pristine forest surrounding me and think, “Oh fuck, where am I now?” All I have with me are two kayaks, enough camping gear for twelve people, and a golden retriever. The thing is: I don’t know how to kayak, … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 25 days ago

Are You a Parent of a Toddler or an Assistant to a Male CEO of a Tech Startup?

1. A disproportionate amount of your time is spent cleaning up messes and bringing him snacks. 2. He summons you by screaming your name at the top of his lungs. 3. He won’t stop talking about how he’s going to build a rocket ship and blast off into outer space. 4. He uses a lot o … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 26 days ago

Repeat After Me: “The President’s Party Always Loses the Midterms”

“After the Supreme Court’s Dobbs decision, the national forecast improved for Democrats. However, Republicans have regained much of that ground in October, keeping with the usual trends of midterm elections.” — FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast, October 24, 2022 - - - Repeat afte … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 26 days ago

This Fashion Trend Is Cool Again—Oh, Sorry, Now It’s Uncool Again

There’s a hot new fashion trend that’s everywhere this season. Does it look familiar? You probably wore it the last time it was in style, until suddenly, we here at Big Fashion declared it only for USDA-certified geeks. But now it’s back. Wait, are you still wearing that trend? B … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 26 days ago

I’m Not Sure Which, But One of These Fifteen PDF Files Is the Final Draft

FinalDraft.pdf FinalDraft_1.pdf FinalDraft_1_Send_This_One.pdf FinalDraft_1_No_Actually_Send_This_One.pdf FinalFinalDraft_1_This_Draft_Is_Correct.pdf FinalFinalFinalDraft_1_But_This_One_Has_Three_Finals.pdf FINALDRAFT_1_NOW_ITS_BACK_TO_ONLY_ONE_FINAL_BUT_ITS_IN_CAPS.pdf FINALDRAF … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 27 days ago

The Estate of Édouard Manet Wishes to Remind Museum Visitors That the Best Way to Prevent Climate Change Is to Throw Bucket After Bucket of Hot Sloppy Soup on the Eminently Mediocre Paintings of That Son of a Bitch Monet

“Two climate activists threw mashed potatoes on a glass-covered painting by the celebrated French Impressionist Claude Monet inside a German museum, the latest art attack intended to draw attention to climate change.” — New York Times Dear Museum Visitors: While the unexceptional … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 27 days ago

Horror Movie Titles, According to Their Side Characters

Because even the guy who dies first thinks he’s the main character. Guess the movies from their skewed summaries, and check your answers at the bottom. 1. Finally, a Hot FBI Agent Asks Me About Cocoons 2. A Naked American Man Stole My Balloons 3. The Wonderful Hat and the Police … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 28 days ago

If Elected, I Promise to Murder You

Soon citizens around this great nation will enter the voting booth to perform one of their most important civic duties: choosing their leaders. With wall-to-wall advertising, talking heads on television, and the ever-present danger of misinformation, it can be hard to cut through … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 28 days ago

A Millennial Woman’s House of Horrors

When you see the sign that says HOUSE OF HORRORS FOR WOMEN IN THEIR EARLY THIRTIES, you scoff. Your generation has lived through 9/11, an economic crash, and a pandemic all before your midlife crisis. How scary could this really be? You dare to enter. As you make your way to the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 month ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Camille Dungy

One of the many compelling things about the work of Camille Dungy is the fact that it offers a lyric record, book by book and poem by poem, of the pain of learning that the world is a violent and unforgiving place. Not that sweetness doesn’t thrive on this earth, too, but that it … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 month ago

It’s Me, the Person Putting Drugs in the Halloween Candy

“Is ‘rainbow fentanyl’ a threat to your kids this Halloween? Experts say no.” — NPR - - -Hi there. I’m the person putting drugs in Halloween candy. I’m also the person who sticks razor blades in movie theater cushions to give people venereal diseases, and the person who squeezes … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 month ago