I’m a Good, Normal Family Man Who Just Wants to Inspect Your Genitals Before You Pee

“G.O.P. lawmakers whose leaders have pressed to roll back transgender rights around the country moved to bar Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, from women’s rooms on Capitol Hill.” — New York Times - - - I’m a family man with a biological woman wife and four … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 hours ago

Welcome to Bluesky, but Maybe Take it Down a Notch?

“Over the past week, Bluesky’s growth has exploded, more than doubling to 15 million-plus users as people seek alternatives to X, Facebook, and Threads.” — New York Times - - - Wow, hi. Overnight, I’ve gone from the girl who sits alone at lunch to the azure butterfly of your drea … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 hours ago

Linda McMahon Is Ready to Pile-Drive the Department of Education

“President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday named Linda McMahon, a former World Wrestling Entertainment executive who served in the first Trump administration, as his pick to lead the Education Department.” – NBC News - - - I am honored to accept President-elect Trump’s nomination a … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 18 hours ago

The Sirens Are Unionizing

Damn right, we’re unionizing. Management wants ten shipwrecks a week. It’s ridiculous. Last year it was eight, who knows what it’ll be next year. Oh, sure, being a siren seems glamorous. Lounge all day, enchant some sailors, punish mankind for mistaking the beautiful for the good … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

Is It a Red Flag?: Romeo and Juliet Edition

Your families are embroiled in a bitter feud. Not a red flag. This is a problem that couples have faced throughout history, and most of them have solved it by agreeing to never host an extended family Thanksgiving. You’re thirteen years old. Not a red flag, as long as he is also … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 1 day ago

The Story of the First No-Nut November

From William Bradford’s Journal of Plymouth Plantation, Sixteen Hundred and Twenty-One. - - - A lamentable malady had taken fifty and two souls from the humble colony that first winter. Some said God had forsaken them. Others feared plague. But most remarkable were the words of M … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

Help, I’m a Thriller Writer Trapped in a Thriller Series, and I’m Not Getting Any Writing Done

Before the murders, work was going well. My last novel, In the Dying Light, remained on the Times’ Best Seller list for 248 weeks. Everything you see on screen, from our seaside mansion filled with framed copies of my book covers, to our antique letter opener collection, I owe to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

Your Belief in Our Fearlessness Is Why It Works

Over twenty-six beautiful years, McSweeney’s has been reaching for the unexpected and the impossible—books written by rarely heard voices, magazines created with elegant materials unlike any others, and the most timely and intelligent daily satire out there. We believe that reade … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want

I was about to grab a handful of almonds as a snack when you told me to proceed with caution, because the serving size is ten almonds. But I won’t let this impact me. I’ll eat as many almonds as I want, up to ten maximum. It wouldn’t be mentally healthy to obsess over the idea th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 2 days ago

I’m a Guardrail, and I Don’t Know What the Fuck You People Want from Me

Okay, so look. I’m your basic galvanized steel thrie-beam guardrail. My job is to keep vehicles from flying off the escarpment and squishing all the people driving on the westbound lane who don’t wanna die just because some mope on the eastbound couldn’t be bothered to keep his h … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

I Am a Passionate Mid-Level University Administrator, and I’m Gonna Administrate the Shit Out of This Place

Look, this place needs to be administrated, and I’m the guy to do it. I know you’ve been doing your best, but you’ve been held back. You haven’t been given what you need to be successful. And I’m not talking about money. I’m not talking about resources and opportunities for growt … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 days ago

I’m Willing to Give Our Alien Overlords a Second Chance

Look, I don’t need to tell you that times have been tough the past few years. Between the pandemic, mass protests, worldwide inflation, and Target locking deodorant in plexiglass cases, we’ve all had our fair share of struggles. Why, just last week, there were reports of drag que … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

I’m Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and It’s Time to Build a Healthcare System for 2025 BCE

“After saying that he would let Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ‘go wild on health,’ President-elect Donald J. Trump said Thursday that he would nominate him to lead the Health and Human Services Department, positioning a vocal skeptic of vaccines to wield significant influence over public … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 6 days ago

I’m Putting Together a Team. The Worst Fucking Team of All Time

“President-elect Donald Trump is building his team, naming Cabinet members and key advisers after having been elected to a second presidential term.” — NPR - - - Listen. There’s a reason I wanted to meet with you. It wasn’t just so we could order a couple of rounds, play some bla … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

Names for Different Groups of Women

Bed: A group of tired women. Coalition: Women who are tired of hearing about their reproductive rights getting trampled on. Guys: Actually, a group of women. Girls: Actually, a group of fully grown women. Old Bats: A group of women who used to be goths in high school and still li … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

An Open Letter from the Other Side of the World to the 50.2 Percent of Americans Who Probably Won’t Read This and the 48.1 Percent Who Might

Dear Americans, During your country’s recent presidential campaign, President-elect Trump spoke about the threat of climate change: “So they talk all the time about how the ocean will rise in five hundred years, one-eighth of an inch, who the hell cares?” Now, before you decide w … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 7 days ago

Sure, I Voted for Someone Whose Policies Might Kill You, but Now’s the Time to Put Aside Our Differences

It’s me, that woman you barely remember from your tenth-grade homeroom who keeps turning up on your Facebook page like a cold sore. Before the election, I mainly posted wine o’clock memes and pictures of my grandbabies; I never publicly declared who I was voting for. But I can sa … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

Rules for Our Cranberry Bog

Tired of apple picking and morally opposed to pumpkin patches? Welcome to our cranberry bog. Founded in 1616 and then founded again in 2017, Giving Thanks Cranberry Bog is a family-owned and -operated bog. Located in the Midwest region of the Northeast, our bog offers an array of … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 8 days ago

How to Write a Book That Nicole Kidman Will Turn into a Limited Series

The goal of any author isn’t to write the next great American novel or take home a Pulitzer Prize—it’s for Nicole Kidman to turn their book into a hit limited series. The literary industry lives or dies at the hands of actresses who, in the hopes of actually playing a three-dimen … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

How Much Do You Need?

Without cigarettes, I would not have survived my childhood. My mother smoked a pack a day—more than a pack when our circumstances grew dire, and/or she was bound to the state via a prison cell, a mental ward, or the welfare office. Bump that pack up to a pack and a half. She coul … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

I’m Headed Back to 2014

It’s been a tough stretch, and it’s not looking like it’s going to get better any time soon. I know that for months we’ve been saying, “We’re not going back,” but actually, I am. I’m headed back to 2014. Hop in, if you want to join me. If you’re asking, “Why 2014, exactly?” then … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 9 days ago

Wow, Trump Has Already Fixed So Many Problems That Definitely Existed

Unbelievably, President-elect Trump hasn’t even been inaugurated yet, and he’s already solved so many of the problems he talked about on the campaign trail. Almost as if they were never there at all. I’m so glad I voted for him. I was really outraged about inflation. But miraculo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

Wanted: Chastity Belt for My Black Woman Optimism, Which Never Ever Learns

Hello, I’m currently searching for a chastity belt. Not for purity or protection but for one purpose only: locking up my optimism so it never sees the light of day again. EVER. As a 33-year-old Black woman, my optimism has the nerve to keep hanging around, “trying to find the goo … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 10 days ago

Updates on the Arc of the Moral Universe

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - - - The arc of the moral universe is feeling pretty stiff this morning. The arc of the moral universe overslept. The arc of the moral universe didn’t sleep at all. The arc of the … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Finally, the Elites Have Been Defeated by the Billionaires

“Resentment against elites proved to be deeper and more profound than many in both parties had recognized.” — NYT “Many other billionaires and industry titans have thrown their support behind Trump. Now, some could be in the running for cabinet posts, while others may wield influ … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Kwame Dawes

What Kwame Dawes does in Sturge Town, his far-reaching new collection, is what he’s done book after book: create worlds in a music, and a music for the fleeting world. The first of five sections in the collection is “ … the rapid softening of light …” and then “ … all of light’s … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

At Least Us Democrats Went Down Fighting Harder Than We Normally Do

It is a gloomy moment in American history. Kamala Harris has lost the election. Donald Trump and his radical right-wing henchman will soon be the most powerful people on earth. Still, we Democrats can rest easy, knowing that we did a few of the things in our power to stop them. H … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 13 days ago

Rape Allegations Really Do Ruin Men’s Lives, Because Now a Rapist Is Stuck Running This Country

Anyone who says that rape and sexual assault allegations don’t have any impact on men’s lives needs to look at the facts. Our nation has condemned a serial sexual abuser who has long been plagued by assault and rape allegations to run the entire country. So the next time you thin … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

The Boy Who Cried Wolf and Was Elected President Two Goddamn Times

Once, there was a deceitful, misogynistic shepherd boy. He spent his days spewing racist lies, showing off the large flock his father had handed to him, and fondling sheep. Then, one day, he took a great breath and sang out, “Wolf! Wolf! A wolf is coming!” The villagers came runn … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Lessons Democrats Can Learn from Trump’s Flawlessly Executed 2024 Campaign

Once again, Donald Trump has won the American presidency. In the autopsy, pundits will cite broad factors of the electoral environment like inflation, immigration, distrust of liberal institutions, the right-wing echo chamber of alternative media, and backlash to the Biden foreig … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 14 days ago

Here’s Why a Second Death Star Won’t Be That Bad

“Mr. Trump’s first term was better than expected… the authoritarian rule that Democrats and the press predicted never appeared. Mr. Trump was too undisciplined, and his attention span too short, to stay on one message much less stage a coup. America’s checks and balances held… We … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

I Don’t Hate Women Candidates. I Just Thought an Erratic and Vindictive Criminal Was Worthier of My Vote Than a Woman Candidate

I admit, it was tricky for me, a white male swing-state voter, to decide who deserved my vote in this election. But in the end, I cast my ballot for Donald Trump along with over seventy million other Americans. And I promise you that decision has nothing to do with my hating wome … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 15 days ago

Voters of America as Explained by Their Pants

Cat-Hair-Covered Yoga Pants: Voted for Harris Toupee-Hair-Covered Suit Pants: Voted for Trump Bear-Hair-Covered Vintage L.L.Bean Board Shorts: Wrote in “RFK Jr. + The Worm” Pants Worn Only Every Four Years That Were Bought by Someone Else: Voted for Jill Stein Frayed Corduroys Th … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

“I Voted” Stickers for Voters Outside Swing States

"I Voted" Stickers for Voters Outside Swing States | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 16 days ago

Election Day 2024 Bingo

Election Day 2024 Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Don’t Worry—This Is Exactly How the Founding Fathers Intended You to Feel on Election Day

Well, another presidential election is here. Again. It feels like only yesterday that we were waiting in line for hours to cast our ballots, slowly rocking in front of the TV while the Big Map turned bruised colors and stress-eating leftover Halloween chocolate like a dog intent … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

270 Reasons: Because There Are No Rights, No Freedoms That Some Extremists Won’t Try to Take From Us

Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Eeyore’s Tips for Election Day Self-Care

People always ask me, “Why are you so sad, Eeyore? Is it because of the election?” Election Day or regular day, it’s all the same to me. Here’s my advice for accepting the inevitable. Take a Deep Breath It’s not much of an activity, but then again, I’m not much of a donkey. Vote … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 17 days ago

Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are 100 Percent Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen

Our election forecast model is the most rigorous data-driven tool available. It aggregates and weighs polls, draws on fundamentals like the economy, validates forecasts based on complex statistical vetting, and generates thousands of Bayesian election simulations to explore the l … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 18 days ago

I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6

Thank you for your email. This is an automated response to let you know that I will be away from my desk on Wednesday, November 6. As you may be aware, the presidential election in the United States could be decided by the evening of November 5, and I will be up all night either … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq

Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches

“Former President Trump is sowing doubt about the election results in Pennsylvania less than one week before Election Day, making explosive and misleading claims about fraud.” — The Hill - - - This election [WILL BE / IS / WAS] rigged! They have illegally stolen this election fro … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 20 days ago

This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner

It’s come to this: the 2024 presidential election is a toss-up. Fifty-fifty. All the polls say this could go either way. This isn’t how I saw this playing out in July. After Biden dropped out, my victory was all but assured. But you can’t count a historically unpopular moron like … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

How to Burn Off Halloween Candy Calories: 2024 Election Edition

How to Burn Off
Halloween Candy Calories:
2024 Election Edition | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

270 Reasons: Because If You Don’t Want to Live in The Handmaid’s Tale, You Really Need to Vote Harris-Walz

Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

I’m Voting for Trump Because of the Things He Says He’ll Do, Which I Don’t Actually Believe He’ll Do

I realize the former president can sound a bit rough to some, but that’s why he connects with so many people. He simply tells it like it is. He’s a man of conviction who will not do the terrible things he has repeatedly promised to do. This is why I plan to vote for him. As a man … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 21 days ago

The Final Presidential Debate If Both Harris and Trump Were Huge Birders

MODERATOR: Welcome to our final presidential debate. Per the rules agreed upon by both candidates, President Trump is allowed to have Cyril, his African grey parrot, on his shoulder throughout the debate, but he may not receive advice or answers from him. Vice President Harris is … | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 22 days ago

How Far We’ve Come Since 2016: Election Edition

- - - - - - - - - - - - | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 22 days ago