“A stunned world reckons with economic fallout from Trump’s tariffs. Not even America’s closest trading partners were spared by a policy broadside that spooked investors and left policymakers scrambling to formulate responses.” — New York Times - - - My fellow Americans, For far … | Continue reading
President Trump has announced a sweeping plan of tariffs against dozens of nations, including the Antarctic Heard and McDonald Islands, which are uninhabited by humans but very much inhabited by penguins. The fake liberal media criticized this as a mistake, but Trump’s tariffs ar … | Continue reading
Hey! Oh my god, I’m so glad I found you. I was starting to get worried. The game is about to start, and there’s no way I could even begin to pay attention until I found the one. The one other person of color at this hockey game, that is. You see, it’s a rule that we have to find … | Continue reading
“Danish Foreign Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen chastised U.S. officials following a trip by Vice President J.D. Vance to Greenland, saying the country is open to criticism but isn’t happy with how it’s being delivered.” — USA Today, 3/30/25 “The Kremlin said on Monday that Russia … | Continue reading
Local trains along the 1-2-3 line will be running express between Chambers Street and Fourteenth Street due to urgent repairs (all of the “C” tiles fell off of the “Canal Street” mosaic). Due to track maintenance, the A train will not be running between Canal Street and Fourteent … | Continue reading
Guten tag. I’m just wondering if anybody else can relate to this feeling I’ve been having that I just can’t shake. It’s only Tuesday, but what a week, huh? Just when we thought yesterday was another regular Monday, the Reichstag burned down, and it sounds like Chancellor Hitler i … | Continue reading
Dear ICE official(s), I noticed you recently detained your first Iranian foreign national. As a first-generation Iranian American, I’ve been conditioned to assume this is a testament to our great Persian culture. At least I’m sure that’s what my dad will say. Is he from Shiraz? I … | Continue reading
“The COVID-19 pandemic is over, and H.H.S. will no longer waste billions of taxpayer dollars responding to a nonexistent pandemic that Americans moved on from years ago.” — Andrew Dixon, spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services. - - - We in the federal governm … | Continue reading
You’ve probably wondered about me, the independent thinker in your social network. I’m one part libertarian, one part populist, and one part common sense. I care about the same things you do: a backyard BBQ with my neighbors, my family’s safety, and the sanctity of women’s colleg … | Continue reading
Young man, it’s time we had a talk. Your mother and I have never wanted to be those kind of strict, clueless parents who can’t understand what young people are into “nowadays,” but I have to put my foot down. You are forbidden from joining that rowdy, no-good Zorba the Greek fan … | Continue reading
A small percentage of my friends, coworkers, and loved ones may soon join the ranks alongside other hot liquids I slurp for nourishment. But there’s also an equally probable chance that this won’t happen, which means you’re overreacting a bit. People were once able to respectfull … | Continue reading
Welcome to Academia.edu. Now you can stay up-to-date with the latest research from academics around the world. Your monograph on Lord Byron’s juvenilia has a new reader. Your monograph on Lord Byron’s juvenilia has a new reader. Bad news: It’s a graduate student, and they are goi … | Continue reading
We walk among you, but you do not see us. We are your neighbors, but you do not know us. We work with you, but you do not respect us. We are the silent majority, the undervalued and underrepresented, the stoic and strong. We are the people who buy Red Delicious apples, and we are … | Continue reading
Dear Readers, Our latest issue is officially out in the world and live online today. Completing an issue of The Believer is a huge undertaking, made possible only by the dedicated work of our very small team of editors and designers. But we feel very lucky that we get to do this … | Continue reading
“A computerized system that calls balls and strikes is being tested during Major League Baseball spring training exhibition games after four years of experiments in the minor leagues.” — AP - - - Dave strikes out looking at a close pitch. HAL 9000: Strike three. You’re out, Dave. … | Continue reading
“The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body into a constitutional crisis.” - - - “He had a sharp, strong jawline from years of clenching it every time someone mentioned universa … | Continue reading
“Let go of your hate.” “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.” “Some day you’re gonna be wrong; I just hope I’m there to see it.” “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” “You might wanna quit while you’re behind.” “Laugh it up, fuzzball.” “Thi … | Continue reading
Go to a festival or fair. Stand in the longest line you can find. Buy something you don’t want. Wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning. Make pancakes. Peel an orange. Fill two bottles of water. Sing the ABC’s twenty times. Do all of this before you have coffee. Bonus points if you … | Continue reading
“The encrypted chat app [Signal] beloved by Elon Musk and foreign dissidents has been embraced by federal government workers, DOGE and military planners.” — Washington Post, 3/25/2025 “Top Trump officials included The Atlantic editor in group chat about plans to bomb Yemen.” — CB … | Continue reading
First and foremost, this book would not have been possible without my beautiful wife, Kate, whose decision to end our marriage gave me unlimited time to finish Neigh It Ain’t So: A Coffee-Table Book of Badly Irregular Horses. Thanks also to my editor and Domino’s delivery guy, Fr … | Continue reading
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure … | Continue reading
" Commerce secretary Howard Lutnick suggested this week that only ‘fraudsters’ would complain about missing a monthly Social Security check, and that most people wouldn’t mind if the government simply skipped a payment. — Axios - - - People are overreacting that the Trump adminis … | Continue reading
“Images of ‘Enola Gay,’ the aircraft that dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima in Japan are among those targeted by the U.S. military in an initiative to eliminate content related to diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI).” – Newsweek “Articles about the renowned Native American Co … | Continue reading
"I don’t set myself up like the white-boy artists historically did in the United States, where they didn’t feel any sense of responsibility to the community. I don’t set myself up as the sole master of the work of art.” - - - In which an artist discusses making a particular work … | Continue reading
Otis Tanouye is a ninth-grader at Bethesda Chevy Chase High School in Maryland. He wrote this during his school’s second lockdown in less than a week. Fortunately, no one was hurt during either of the lockdowns. - - - ’Twas the second damn lockdown, when all through the school Se … | Continue reading
“Kennedy’s alarming prescription for bird flu on poultry farms. The health secretary has suggested allowing the virus to spread, so as to identify birds that may be immune. Such an experiment would be disastrous, scientists say.” — New York Times - - - A deadly strain of bird flu … | Continue reading
It’s not that I failed to consider that most of us weren’t alive when Billy Joel released it as the fourth track off The Nylon Curtain in 1982. Nor did I neglect to perceive that comparing a group of guileless first graders who have gotten their asses absolutely handed to them in … | Continue reading
“President Trump’s promised immigration crackdown is here. Over the past two weeks, his administration has pushed against the limits of executive power—and surpassed them, critics say—to kick more people out of the country.” — New York Times - - - For far too long, Democrats have … | Continue reading
“President Trump’s promised immigration crackdown is here. Over the past two weeks, his administration has pushed against the limits of executive power—and surpassed them, critics say—to kick more people out of the country.” — New York Times - - - For far too long, Democrats have … | Continue reading
“San Francisco Pride loses $300,000 after sponsors drop out: ‘The tone has changed in this country.’” — Them, 3/17/25 - - - Dear Queer Organization, This isn’t an easy letter to write, but after so many years together, we owe you honesty and transparency, so we will say this as p … | Continue reading
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding federal operations through the end of September, fissures have expanded within the Democratic Party on how best to counter Donald Trum … | Continue reading
Dear Board of Trustees, As professors at this large state university, we want to thank you for your recent investment in athletics. We admit, when we first heard that you were spending $50 million to replace our washed-up, elderly football coach with a washed-up, elderly, unemplo … | Continue reading
Whenever you open Instagram or TikTok, you’ve probably seen Mark Wahlberg jumping in an ice bath at 4 a.m. or squeezing in a third set of bicep curls in the dead of night. What you don’t see is us coaching him behind the camera, because we are Mark Wahlberg’s phalanx of personal … | Continue reading
“Foreign goods may get a little more expensive, but American goods are going to get cheaper; and you’re going to be helping Americans by buying American.” — US Secretary of Commerce, Howard Lutnick - - - Americans, it’s time to rejoice. We know that you have been forced to adopt … | Continue reading
5 a.m.: I wake up at the crack of dawn and shoot myself up with a cocktail of hormones. 7 a.m.: Now that I’m roided up, I log onto Facebook and cyberbully women by telling them I’m going to beat them at all their sports today. 7:20 a.m.: From my liberal woke closet, I pull out an … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - So fuckin’ like, in those dahk medieval times, the Vikings were goin’ bonkahs all ovah the fuckin’ place n’ both men n’ women thought it was wicked awesome tah wield weapons. N’ I guess that isn’t exactly too fuckin’ new; it’s just that we had a multi-cent … | Continue reading
TO: Heads of Executive Departments and Agencies FROM: Department of Grammar Efficiency (DOGE) RE: Guidance on grammar The federal Government is eliminating inefficient grammar. NO ONE understands how to properly use an em-dash or semicolon. Therefore, those types of punctuation a … | Continue reading
“At some point you see somebody do a lot of the same thing and call them a hack. And then I thought, How do you become a hack? At least hacks make a living.” - - - Over a year ago, a mutual friend let the artist Michael Smith know I was interested in doing an interview with him. … | Continue reading
I know many Americans are fearful about the state of democracy, but let me be the first educator to say: Don’t worry. We teachers are almost finished with the liberal brainwashing of our nation’s children. Right now, every public school student in America awaits our instructions … | Continue reading
“Mr. Trump has acknowledged, despite all his confident campaign predictions that ‘we are going to boom like we have never boomed before,’ that the United States may be headed into a recession, fueled by his economic agenda.” — New York Times. March 13, 2025 - - - Listen, I’d love … | Continue reading
Well, I’ve done it. I’ve climbed the media ladder and joined a cadre of independent pundits like Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, and Tucker Carlson. And I did it with just an insatiable appetite for trolling liberals. Of course, I’ve made a lot of enemies along the way—the socialist Demo … | Continue reading
TO: FAM CHAT Guys—Katie, excuse the use of “guys” for a sec here, but honestly, didn’t we always kind of think that was one notch over the woke line? Well, I did. There’s no suitable uh… alternative and… Anyway… Okay. So. The thing of it is that a TV writer I know just wrote a me … | Continue reading
Start with your closet. Identify all the T-shirts you haven’t worn in three years. Then throw away all your clothes, including the ones you’re wearing. Use a duster to clean off the top shelves above your bed. After that, tear down the shelves and blow them to smithereens. Do a b … | Continue reading
“‘The only thing that makes sense is for Canada to become our cherished Fifty First State,’ Mr. Trump wrote on social media. ‘This would make all Tariffs, and everything else, totally disappear. Canadians taxes will be very substantially reduced, they will be more secure, militar … | Continue reading
Motherhood is all about making sacrifices and supporting your children, no matter how outrageous their decisions may be. I’ve learned to accept the fact that my son Lawrence (whose friends rudely refer to him as “Chunk”) wants to be a “Goonie.” But this? THIS? Nothing in Dr. Spoc … | Continue reading
The Willy-Nilly System of Governance is a hybrid model that brings together both definitions of the term willy-nilly: “in a careless way without planning” and “whether you want it or not.” That’s right; the word the system is named after is nonsensical and has two completely diff … | Continue reading
People don’t understand what’s funny anymore. You basically have to tell them when to laugh—and that burden often falls on yours truly. “He’s just trolling us,” I say to my wife, as I pay two hundred dollars for eggs and our town gets measles for the second year in a row. “It’s a … | Continue reading