Son, what lunatic humors compelled you to cut down the tree? Your mother loved that tree! Seven years I spent nurturing and growing it, yet you obliterated it in a single afternoon. Did you really think I would not be angry just because you confessed? Truth, George, is a lovely q … | Continue reading
In April of 1998, President Clinton was in the midst of an apology spree. Though he had yet to apologize for the still burgeoning Lewinsky scandal, the president had apologized on a trip to Africa that year for America’s role in the slave trade, as well as for his administration’ … | Continue reading
1. An entire generation has been led to believe it’s the only path to financial success. 2. Your grandparents have no idea what it is you do, and it’s not worth trying to explain it to them. 3. Almost all of the money in the industry comes from attracting sponsorships. 4. You hav … | Continue reading
The Fribbles are canonically “knee high to a grasshopper,” but the grasshopper in question is very large and has abnormally long shins. Please keep this in mind when the Fribbles go on adventures. They are not so small that a Tic Tac would be a particularly filling meal for them, … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
Dear Me, What, you think your bird feeders clean themselves? That rainstorms are Mother Nature’s dishwasher, making everything just ducky at the thistle feeder? That you can simply hose down your bird-feeding stations once or twice a year with whatever water’s left over in the sp … | Continue reading
Wassup, fellow slackers, poseurs, losers, stoners, and the dorks smart enough to make loot before the dot-com crash. I said yo, wassup! Not clapping? Good. Thought so. I get that it’s totally wack, but this year, I’m running for president of the USA, because I want to represent y … | Continue reading
1. “Let me ponyride off your idea and add…” 2. “To horsey ride off your idea, let me just say…” 3. “No matter how much your idea wiggles and bucks, I’m holding on for dear life to say that…” 4. “Picture this: With one hand, I’m waving a cowboy hat ceremoniously, and with the othe … | Continue reading
Registration is now open for our silver jubilee conference, where the women behind some of rock’s most famous songs will gather at the Hotel California—in its new Laurel Canyon location—to share their stories over one rage-fueled weekend. Panels offered in the Tiffany-Twisted Bal … | Continue reading
Taken from works of the late great Cormac McCarthy. - - - | Continue reading
As a calm, balanced person with a suitable amount of self-esteem and a low level of neurosis, I’m happy to receive what you’re about to say in the way you intended it: as a compliment. Let’s say you’re my friend, and we’re at a party together. You should tell me, “You look nice! … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
1. Will Reba McEntire end the National Anthem by calling for a ceasefire? YES 2. Will the team kicking off first use a holder who will yank the ball away from the kicker at the last second to honor the eve of the twenty-fourth anniversary of Charles M. Schulz’s death? YES 3. Will … | Continue reading
Your partner bought two tickets to see BAND YOU ONLY HEAR NOW AT THE DMV & CVS. “What do I wear?” you wonder. Certainly, your CLOTHING ITEM YOU ROUTINELY SLEEP IN should be fine. On the day of the show, you take a nap so you’ll be fresh for the event. But you quickly feel yoursel … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - -Dear Lorelai, I come to you today on my hands and knees, begging for advice. I will give you … | Continue reading
Hold up, hold up, hold up. I gotta spill the tea, bruh. I’m lowkey freaking out. I don’t wanna get all extra, but: I got new Tupperware. I know, man. I know. It’s bussin’. No, no, no, no, no. Not from my mah’s. Hold up. Listen, yo. I’m not talking finish-your-ice-cream-leftover-h … | Continue reading
I am proud to be a Boomer’s iPhone. Ever since I was activated, I’ve been living my life at full volume. But unfortunately, there are people in this country who would rather I “shut up” than simply live my life. To those folks, I only have one thing to say: I WILL NOT BE SILENCED … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - -So it’s … | Continue reading
This is not how I pictured your offices. I always imagine you guys sitting around a big wooden table having tea, and there’s a lake outside. That doesn’t matter. What matters is: I have a show you’re going to love. Antiques Roadhow, but with a twist. I’m the host. We open on a bl … | Continue reading
Thanks for sending this along. I left my comments in the Google Doc. You don’t see my comments? You’re looking at the old document. I copied your Google Doc and made a new Google Doc called “Proposal v2 – Comments.” Once you have my comments, put everything together in “Proposal … | Continue reading
Thank you for visiting our nonprofit organization’s website. The first thing you’ll see are some inspiring photographs—young people planting a tree, a diverse group of folks chatting on a street corner, and an unhoused person being handed a meal. You might imagine this means we p … | Continue reading
“Taylor Swift announces surprise album ‘Tortured Poets Department’ at the Grammys.” — CNN - - -1. “Adjunct Capacity” 2. “5-5 Courseload” 3. “The Obamacare Website Is Down Again” 4. “Workshop Poems About Dogs” 5. “Office Hours (B+ to A-)” 6. “Avoiding Students at Trader Joe’s” 7. … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
Okay, so let’s start with the good part: the opening scene is perfect. Dad’s head is right above baby Liam’s head; they’re both perfectly centered, and they’re both looking directly at Grandma and Grandpa. It’s a clear and ideal way for us to meet these characters. After that, th … | Continue reading
It was an ordinary night at Baker Street. Sherlock was dictating the results of his latest case when, suddenly, he paused. “Watson, there’s someone here to see us,” he said. Sure enough, not a second later, there was a knock, and I opened the door to find a young lady tightly clu … | Continue reading
I am falsely accused of a crime and find myself at an intense trial that could end in jail time. The judge tells me that he will drop all the charges if I can give him information about five men spotted at the scene of the crime. He shows me the pictures of the suspects. They are … | Continue reading
CVS PHARMACY: JERRY, your prescription is ready. Please pick up within the next 24 hours. Don’t worry, we’ll be in touch with reminders. - - -CVS PHARMACY: Your medication is ready. Please pick up before TODAY at 10 MINUTES FROM NOW. On behalf of the whole team and our manager BI … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
“Taylor Swift hasn’t even endorsed President Joe Biden for reelection yet. That hasn’t stopped members of MAGAland’s upper crust from plotting to declare—as one source close to Donald Trump calls it—a ‘holy war’ on the pop mega-star, especially if she ends up publicly backing the … | Continue reading
The big day is almost here! I’m so excited to see all of you. I know some of you have RSVP’d with a plus one, which is great. Can’t wait to meet them. But please, do me a favor and check to see that your guest is really who they claim to be and not a spy, saboteur, or rogue agent … | Continue reading
(With apologies to Mr. Yeats.) - - -I’m doing grand, thanks. Yes, Mr. Yeats, I did get your email. I replied, actually, and explained that before we assign someone to get this issue sorted out, you will need to open up a support ticket. Right, I hear you. I do want to help you so … | Continue reading
[Lively, dramatic music accompanies a montage of the Baby-Sitters Club members as a group followed by clips of each girl with her individual title card and tagline voiceover.] KRISTY: In the game of life, I make my own rules, and that means wearing turtlenecks year-round. CLAUDIA … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Welcome to my channel. I’m a YouTube child star who’s probably gonna end up president or something. My video “Slime Egg Toy Surprise” has been viewed more than three billion times, and I’m only six and a half years old. Watch out, career politicians! After creating a few thousand … | Continue reading
“The craze for Stanley-branded beverage tumblers continues. In the wake of the arrest of a California woman accused of stealing about $2,500 worth of the products, a search by NBC News reveals that the marketplace for the popular reusable cups remains frenzied. On eBay, an ‘Adven … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
1. “You are so beautiful, and so smart!” 2. “It is literally impossible to be a woman!” 3. “It kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough!” 4. “I would literally commit murder for seven Cheesy Gordita Crunches from Taco Bell right now.” 5. “You can never say you want to be … | Continue reading
Thank you for having me on. I’m a huge fan of your show. I appreciate the opportunity to steer all discussion toward mentions of my book. Hmm, that first question was not specifically about my book, which makes me worried that this is going to be one of those things where we “hav … | Continue reading
In this recurring column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - -Dear Marge, We’ve never met, but in a way I’ve known you all my life, so I feel co … | Continue reading
Dear Ambitious Real Estate Agent, It was the leggings, wasn’t it? I didn’t plan on buying them, but my daughter’s best friend’s mom was hosting a pop-up shopping party, and I found myself powerless to resist those six peppy syllables. All the other moms were telling me they felt … | Continue reading
I, your beloved Snow Day, am excited to share that I’ve been meditating a lot lately and have decided to reinvent myself as the Flexible Instruction Day. You can call me FID for short. I’m the same Snow Day you know and love, just better. Now you get to stay cozy in your house du … | Continue reading
When I went vegan, the single hardest delicacy to give up was my daily sausage wrapped in a pancake and eaten on a popsicle stick. Breakfasts were a challenge for years—what did people eat, I wondered, if not this? Imagine my delight when the fine folks at Morningstar Farms ended … | Continue reading
Remember me? I’m that gift card some clueless Secret Santa gave you months ago, maybe years. You used me once, then forgot all about me. Oh, you might stumble on me now and then when you’re so bored you decide to clean out your wallet, and then you look at me and think, “Huh, I w … | Continue reading
Special Achievement in Dog Acting Most Based on a Book Loudest Original Song Best Actress in a Silent Wife Role Most Animated Lizard World War Two-iest Picture Best Live Action Old Man Most Downey Jr. Outstanding Achievement in Stressful Sex Scenes to Watch with Your Parents Most … | Continue reading
“Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida suspended his campaign for president on Sunday and endorsed former President Donald J. Trump, marking a spectacular implosion for a candidate once seen as having the best chance to dethrone Mr. Trump as the Republican Party’s nominee in 2024.” — New … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - -Congratul … | Continue reading