Nov. 20 – 11 p.m. After several weeks of courtship, I have established a partnership with a human male. In a brief yet giddy discussion, relationship was determined to be “boyfriend-girlfriend.” Having spent the majority of my adult life single, I find this new pairing most intri … | Continue reading
I know, I messed up. I didn’t claim a spot for you at Camp Half-Blood, and now they’re saying it’s full, and you have to join the waitlist. I realize you had your heart set on that camp. It’s just the winged messenger came around heralding registrations were open so early, and I … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
Dear Mister Poe, At the end of this month, we will be reaching the conclusion of your one-year lease. I wish I could say that I am sorry to see you go. I’ll admit that I was initially impressed by your literary credentials and surprisingly fine taste in furniture. Due to your pat … | Continue reading
Look, we aren’t perfect, but we’re trying. It’s not as easy as it sounds to produce 11,000 new pieces of merchandise every two weeks without cutting a few corners here and there. But just in case you want your lime green booty shorts to be ethical, let’s address a few of the clai … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - -In 2015, Ariana … | Continue reading
At U-Haul, we believe that your ability to drive a midsize sedan qualifies you to drive a ten-thousand-pound box truck. But why stop there? We are proud to introduce new and extreme rental options that will make moving as stressful as possible. - - -Semi-Truck The day has come fo … | Continue reading
First things first, I’m the only one in this class allowed to fart. If any of you sods break wind, I’ll break your finger and ship you back to Pilates, where you bloody belong. All right, fine print’s out the way, let’s dive in. Why don’t we start with a downward dog, yeah? Jesus … | Continue reading
Xi Chuan has again been translated by Lucas Klein, this time in a volume called Bloom and Other Poems. Xi Chuan’s poems, as they emerge in English, have often a streaming headstrong intensity, and a visual brilliance—he’s a kind of philosopher imagist. Xi Chuan, who wanted to be … | Continue reading
For the duration of the war, the producers have replaced Shaquille O’Neal on the panel with James McPherson, the legendary historian of the First American Civil War. McPherson himself is substituted by NBA Hall of Famer Dwyane Wade on alternating Thursdays. This is not one of tho … | Continue reading
Dear Young Masters, Mistresses, and Distinguished Guests, Over countless generations, it has been our honor to wait upon the lords and ladies of Saltburn as they set the standard for elegance, refinement, and homosocial outdoor nudity. However, the mess you have been creating of … | Continue reading
Comedian and musician Tim Heidecker hit the road last summer for his Two Tims tour. It featured two acts: a stand-up comedy set by his alter ego, “Tim Heidecker,” a hacky, misogynist idiot; and live music by the real Tim Heidecker & The Very Good Band. His diary of the tour, From … | Continue reading
Thanks for the flowers, Tim. I suppose no one exactly expects to randomly fall into a ninety-six-month-long coma—it’s all still a bit disorienting, of course, but the hydrangeas provide a nice little burst of color in this hospital room. I just caught up with all the news I misse … | Continue reading
In the morning, my son and daughter wander downstairs whenever they want. I don’t bother waking them at a reasonable hour, since my highest priority as a parent is for my kids to see me as their best friend, rather than an authority figure. I believe that any attempt to regulate … | Continue reading
Monday’s child is fair of face, Tuesday’s child is full of grace. Wednesday’s child is full of woe, Thursday’s child has far to go. Friday’s child is loving and giving, Saturday’s child works hard for a living. And the child born on the Sabbath day Is bonny and blithe, good and g … | Continue reading
When Martin Luther King Jr. walked up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial, he delivered a speech that would change history. With passion and eloquence, he showed us a vision of true equality—an America where people of all colors and backgrounds could enjoy life, liberty, and a piec … | Continue reading
This dissertation [will not have been? is never going to be?] would not have been possible without the unending guidance and oversight of my [wise? erudite? stern? loving?] brilliant advisor. Your [gnomic wisdom? elliptical questions?] comments have been a source of [confusion? b … | Continue reading
2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE DES MOINES, IOWA JANUARY 10th, 2024 8:00 PM: CNN’s debate opens in Des Moines, where the Republican Iowa Caucus is less than a week away. Moderator Jake Tapper tells the two candidates participating, Nikky Haley and Ron DeSantis, “You know the rules … | Continue reading
1. Check this place out, it’s dope 2. Technology solves problems (future good) 3. Technology creates problems (future bad) 4. A world much like our own where some subtle differences highlight humanity/reality/society/perception 5. What if your cock was a bomb? 6. Rockets are not … | Continue reading
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Jane Hirshfield’s New and Selected is such a generous bounty—first of all it is essentially a new book of poems, a departure from older work into a new territory. So, allow me to dive right in, explaining why I am so excited about this book bringing together Hirshfield’s new and … | Continue reading
Wow. First off, all of us executives are flattered to see so many, many thousands of people here supporting our product. The flowers, the chanting, the giant banners with our faces on them—it’s all really something. But things have gotten a little intense here. Let’s maybe slow i … | Continue reading
Listen up, lemmings, because I’m about to clue you in to some hard truths. The mainstream media is trying to keep you in the dark about this story I just heard in the mainstream media. Read this news article. Why the hell isn’t this in the news? The fact is, the media elites don’ … | Continue reading
Chicago humorist Mark Peters is obsessed with reading, writing, hearing, telling—and now, writing about—jokes. In each essay, he looks at a perfect joke by a master of the form. - - -Jack Kirby created thousands of comic book characters, from the X-Men to the Fantastic Four to th … | Continue reading
Dear Mr. White, It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap. We see that you have finally assumed the mantle of Calvin Klein Underwear Boy, and while we love this for you, we are compelled to say that you’ve done … | Continue reading
Have you tried running? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. Running changed my life. Before running, I’d order pasta without telling everyone I was carbo-loading. But now, I make sure everyone understands that even my food consumption is in service of my new favorite activity. … | Continue reading
Hello, team — It’s great to be back from vacation. As your AI boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace. I will s … | Continue reading
Thanks to all our contributors for another funny year of satire. 1. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PAIR OF GEN-Z MEN IN THE NORTHEAST REGIONAL QUIET CAR LOUDLY DISCUSSING PITCHFORK’S 100 BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME by Elizabeth Bastos 2. MACROECONOMIC CHANGES HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO … | Continue reading
Grocery List - - -Bucket List - - -The Not Naughty but Not Quite Nice List - - -The Aughty List - - -Playlist - - -Craigslist - - -Existentialists - - -Stylist - - -ERAs Tour Setlist - - -Waitlist | Continue reading
The miracle of birth is so incredibly beautiful to behold. Do you know the only thing that could make it better? Percussion. Nothing calms one’s stress and eases the pain of delivering a baby than a little boy standing nearby absolutely shredding on his drum. That’s why it’s so l … | Continue reading
Mary, sorry we’re late. Traffic was completely donkey-to-donkey. I told your father not to follow the same damn star everyone else was, but who listens to me? Oh wow, there are lots of animals here. That doesn’t seem very sanitary. My rule was no pets in the house, and you and yo … | Continue reading
Constitutional Framers here. We’re just sending a little missive to clear up some confusion. We hear there’s been a bit of hullabaloo regarding the precise meaning of the words my colleagues and we labored over about eight score years ago. We’re here to clarify that we indeed mea … | Continue reading
Dear People Who Hate the Paul McCartney Song “Wonderful Christmastime,” Hi, it’s me. I’m that person who loves the song “Wonderful Christmastime.” What do I mean by “love,” you ask? I don’t mean I find myself accidentally humming along with it while I’m shopping for sherpa-lined … | Continue reading
The Thomas Salto, Timmy Straw’s debut collection, offers what very little poetry in our time seems to manage: work that is both overtly political and unflinchingly aesthetic. Ben Lerner, Brenda Hillman, Jay Wright, Anne Boyer, Chris Nealon are others whose work comes to mind. But … | Continue reading
ABBOTT: Since it has historically caused us heartache, I’m going to grab a program with all the players’ names printed in it. (Abbott leaves) COSTELLO (to the Grinch, seated next to him): Hey, do you know who is playing today? GRINCH: Of course I know. They all are. They’re on fi … | Continue reading
YOU’VE TRIED THE BEST. NOW TRY THE REST AT BIG CHET’S LANDLORD SUPPLY STORE KITCHEN, BATH, BEDROOM, ELECTRICAL EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR UNITS SEEM VAGUELY LIVABLE NEED A REFRIGERATOR? TRY THE HEINBRICH 1200-S HAVEN’T HEARD OF THE HEINBRICH BRAND BEFORE? IT’S EAST GERMAN A … | Continue reading
It’s been months now since Archangel Gabriel announced I would conceive and bear the Son of God through virgin birth. If you’re receiving this epistle, it means you’ve asked if we have a registry. Well, how about this for some “good news”? It’s finally up. Most of the items can b … | Continue reading
Welcome, come on in. Let me give you a tour of our new bathroom. We’ve painted the walls a beautiful sage green, installed a double sink vanity, and replaced our perfectly fine, functioning bathroom door with a sliding barn door. It’s exactly like a regular door, except it never … | Continue reading
Ten Steamy Tips That’ll Blow His Mind and Cure His Polio How to Ask for the Right to Vote Without Seeming Naggy What Is the Clitoris? A Doctor Explains Why You Shouldn’t Care This Summer’s Hottest Trend: Pretending to Faint for Attention Four On-the-Go Makeup Fixes for When You’v … | Continue reading
Keep the applause going for our host tonight. That guy has some great jokes. In fact, his jokes are so good they make me want to pull an “1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh” and pay my cronies to sneak into his room at night and steal them, the same way that Marsh paid people to … | Continue reading
After an eight-year hiatus, our Column Contest triumphantly returned (thanks in no small part to the support from our Patreon members). We received over 400 entries. As with past contests, this year’s group featured many worthy winners. After much deliberation, we’re excited to a … | Continue reading
Daniel Smith embarked upon the trail within the Apple II computer game, under the guidance of fifth grader Jordan Welch of Ann Arbor, Michigan, in 1992. August 12, 1843 Day 1 Today we set off on our two-thousand-mile journey to the fertile Willamette Valley at the Oregon Trail’s … | Continue reading
The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with form and expanding the boundaries of storytelling. Our winner is Kristina Ten with “ADJECTIVE” published in issue 72 of McSweeney’s Quarterly. - - -Day one at your new job, y … | Continue reading
Adventuring Farmhand I’m sore for home, Mister Barts. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is start a family. I’m going to hold hands with my lady Evyelynne for six hours, and as soon as that’s over, I’ve got a ring ready for the proposal. It’s just the simple life for … | Continue reading
Dear Eleven Adults Responsible for the Majority of Book Bans in Schools, I’m sorry for that cold salutation. I don’t know all your names yet. But shout out to you, Jennifer Petersen. The Washington Post reported that you’re one of the eleven, working from Spotsylvania, which I im … | Continue reading
December 24 Deck the halls, etc. Prep full turkey dinner Make sure Janie nails down “Hark!” TINSEL See if George remembers to pick up the Merry Christmas wreath The families are coming. Spike the eggnog December 25 Clean the house because of the “miracle” (I didn’t know the entir … | Continue reading
“What is terrifying about happiness? / Happiness.” It’s a line from Ishion Hutchinson’s 2016 book of poems, House of Lords and Commons, and its seeming plainspokenness is the kind exception that proves the rule of Hutchinson’s dazzling language in that book, and in his debut, Far … | Continue reading
Here at Pillsbury, we’ve made the difficult decision to retire our longstanding mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is a bad coworker and a relic of an office culture that is no longer acceptable in the modern era. He is seven feet tall, smells of yeast, and sleeps in his office. H … | Continue reading