Introduction So you’ve mastered going tinkle while sitting on your bottom. It may seem that there is little more to achieve in affairs of the potty. On the contrary. I have perfected the art of balancing on two feet while making a pee-pee, and this is my MasterClass. Fundamentals … | Continue reading
Do you smell that? Maybe I should light some candles real quick. Air freshener would be too obvious. Sorry if I sound a little flustered, but I’ve got like maybe fifteen minutes to clean the house before the cleaners get here. I thought I’d have enough time, but now that I’m taki … | Continue reading
1. “How are you?” 2. “I vacuumed my room.” 3. “You were right—Clash Royale is a waste of time.” 4. “I set up my own Amazon account, so you don’t have to pay $28.49 for my Bavarian Lederhosen Halloween costume.” 5. “I dropped Spikeball Club to join Model UN.” 6. “In Intro to Philo … | Continue reading
NOTE: If you need context, here’s the Jardiance jingle. We apologize in advance. - - - “I have type 2 diabetes, but I manage it well” Okay, we set the stage. This but that. Regret, uncertainty, loss. I’m drawn in. I want to know more about this person taking stock of her life. (L … | Continue reading
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s columnist, Mark Peters, was one of the winners of our 2013 Column Contest. In Best Joke Ever, he exam … | Continue reading
Unlike some of the shallow, paleolithic men out there, I prefer a natural woman without makeup. Actual lashes instead of fake Muppet ones. Real skin instead of caked-on purple-glitter mush. Shredded cuticles and uneven nails chewed up from anxiety instead of pointy acrylics. Wome … | Continue reading
2024 REPUBLICAN 3RD GOP PRIMARY DEBATE MIAMI, FLORIDA NOVEMBER 8, 2023 - - -8:01 PM: The debate begins with a more somber tone than previous debates, as the hot dog vendors and T-shirt cannons have been confined to the lobby and bathrooms. The moderators, Lester Holt, Kristen Wel … | Continue reading
Dear reader, By scrolling through McSweeney’s humor website, you’re already an important part of what we do and why we’re here. Today, I’m inviting you to an even higher purpose. Will you please be part of the collective work (of many thousands) to sustain and grow our groundbrea … | Continue reading
10. Curly Brackets (fancy brackets) Last week: 10 Calm down, Curly Brackets. You think you’re so fancy? Like you’re so much better than everyone else? And did I hear you would also like to be known as “Braces”? Oh, so you can separate yourself from the “other” brackets? Wow. Now, … | Continue reading
Baby, you know I’m not a mathematician. You know that adding simple numbers isn’t something I can do. You know that subtracting simple numbers isn’t something I can do either. When we first met, I told you, baby, I didn’t understand quantum physics, regular physics, or how many a … | Continue reading
If your encounter with these poems is anything like mine, the first thing you might experience is pure music: the thick stunning gorgeous sound at work in Safiya Sinclair’s writing. And then almost at the same time you might realize that the poems, which are often layerings of el … | Continue reading
It’s somehow only day forty-seven of bus stop pickup duty. As I approach, I can see the wince behind your polite smile. I don’t blame you—I wouldn’t want to hang out with this trite, milquetoast version of me for the next three to twenty-six minutes, either. I don’t know what it … | Continue reading
I want to start by saying thank you—for being here, for your dedication, and for your unwavering commitment to this campaign. It has been the honor of my lifetime that this beautiful town—one I’ve been proud to call home for forty-three years—would even consider me as mayor. Unfo … | Continue reading
Q: I’ve just learned I have COVID. Should I— A: Wait. Are you over seventy, and/or are you functioning without an immune system, and/or did you actually listen when we told you to get a booster? Q: Uh, no, no, and yes. A: Ah, you’re one of the boring COVID cases then. Go ahead. A … | Continue reading
The Amelia Uncertainty Principle. As confidence in your toddler’s current shoe size increases, consistency in sizing across shoe manufacturers decreases. Alder’s Observation. A toddler in motion remains in motion. A toddler at rest will pee on itself. The Third Law of Theo Dynami … | Continue reading
Dear Residents, While this elevator was being serviced yesterday, the emergency phone was inadvertently disabled. We are taping this note to the elevator to let you know that should you become trapped, you will not be able to call for help. We are working on getting this fixed. T … | Continue reading
Thank you for calling the Turning-Thirty Helpline for People Having Big Feelings About Turning Thirty. We’re here to help you navigate the transition from your twenties to your thirties, and we promise not to wish you a happy birthday. Please listen closely as your menu options h … | Continue reading
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s returning columnist, Chris White, was one of the winners of our first-ever Column Contest in 2009. Fo … | Continue reading
As America’s Got Lettuce ends its run, it’s the perfect time to look back at the contestant performances and judge reactions that made it the world’s top-rated show for thirty-seven consecutive seasons—and reminded us that, through it all, America does got lettuce. When the Mean … | Continue reading
Who doesn’t like good pizza? Delicious mozzarella that stretches as you pull the slice from your mouth. Sauce from the finest Roma tomatoes plucked from the storied shadows of Mount Vesuvius. Flavor-packed pepperoni cups, each like a salty little kiss from Santa Maria herself. Th … | Continue reading
The apartment felt too “lived in.” You hosted a Friendsgiving two years ago and didn’t invite him. You left a heartfelt thank you note on the counter that he was forced to clean up. The place felt weird with no stuff in it. You took the heart and soul of the place with you when y … | Continue reading
Welcome, Freshmen. As you embark on the most incredible adventure of your life, the staff and faculty of Nonspecific Southern California High School will be here for you every step of the way. NSCHS has a long tradition of fine education, sports, extracurricular activities, and a … | Continue reading
To celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary of online existence, we’re happy to announce the return of our Column Contest. We held this contest annually from 2009 to 2015 and published dozens of talented writers, like Casey Plett, Taylor Harris, Ali Fitzgerald, and Vinson Cunningha … | Continue reading
October 2084 It’s time to confess. It’s my fault that every presidential election for the past sixty-four years has been Biden vs. Trump. It started back in 2020. I was wandering masked and alone through an abandoned Costco parking lot, hoping to find a discarded packet of yeast, … | Continue reading
The housing crisis in our city is reaching a breaking point. Something has to be done to help the struggling members of our community, which is why we, the city’s appointed housing task force, are announcing a plan to eliminate homelessness entirely. Through our bold, new initiat … | Continue reading
“At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart. It’s not guns. It’s not the weapons.” — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson - - -The problem is the human finger. Fingers are too well-engineered to fit around the trigger of an assault weapon. On other planets, life forms hav … | Continue reading
How did you sleep last night? Not great, honestly. How come? Look, I wasn’t going to tell you, Holly, because I know you get freaked out by this stuff, but I saw a ghost in our bedroom. Oh my god. I told you we shouldn’t have moved into this old house, Greg. I know. She just appe … | Continue reading
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today we reconnect with globe-trotting, pint-drinking Kevin Dolgin, who wrote a travel column about out-of-th … | Continue reading
Hello there. Happy Halloween. I see you’ve noticed I’m wearing a sweater. Yes, I realize it’s ninety degrees, but I do not care. It is late October—the height of sweater season. And even though climate change has rendered this traditionally crisp time of year sickeningly humid, I … | Continue reading
Congratulations—the metamorphosis you didn’t know you needed has just begun. Whether you’ve stumbled upon OK Computer while drifting through a midlife crisis, or a forty-something coworker threw shade on your music playlist (again), it’s clear you’ve embarked on the pilgrimage in … | Continue reading
Fellow parents, I am so angry and drunk right now that I am shaking. This evening, our young son spent several unsupervised hours trick-or-treating while my husband and I got plastered at the Schroeder’s adults-only Halloween party. Upon arriving home, we found him bawling his ey … | Continue reading
John Burnside was born in 1955 and became a published poet almost by accident. For a while, he worked as software engineer. After long days—or in the midst of—crunching numbers and signs, he would write poems to allay the ennui. He sent a poem to a friend in publishing, who then … | Continue reading
I love this time of year, when leaves change color and die right in front of me. Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and take a walk through the carnage. Stunning. … | Continue reading
You have been found guilty of being basic during the month of October. For your heinous act, you have been sentenced to a pumpkin patch, where you will consecutively serve one weekend a year, or possibly two or three weekends a year, in October, until you are eligible for parole. … | Continue reading
Dear Students, We are saddened by the tremendous loss of life in many of the places you’ve read about—you know the ones, we don’t need to name them here. The cost of human suffering by all the people who were affected by the thing that has happened in the place where it has happe … | Continue reading
To keep our kids safe, there will be no trick-or-treating on Halloween this year. See below for alternate events and times in your area. Morris County A Trunk-or-Treat will be held in the parking lot behind St. Matthew’s Episcopal Church on Saturday, October 7, at 3 p.m. Jackson … | Continue reading
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today features the glorious return of Tendency legend Ben Greenman, who wrote several fake musicals for us be … | Continue reading
It’s come to my attention that you’ve plowed through two seasons of LOST in five days. You think it’s “a pretty cool show,” and you’re probably going to finish it later this month. Well, that’s not going to happen, mister. You have just watched forty-nine episodes of endless myst … | Continue reading
1. “Oh, we don’t care about closets!” 2. “These steep Dutch stairs seem super safe.” 3. “We’re fine with a one-bedroom. No one will visit us in Paris.” 4. “Our kids don’t need a yard in Kyoto. Fuck ’em.” 5. “Ideally, we’d like a galley kitchen with one outlet and a hot plate.” 6. … | Continue reading
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. From 1999-2003 (and for parts of 2016), Jeff Johnson shared his weekly American football prognostications on … | Continue reading
“Sara, You Should Smile More” Baby hair with a woman’s eyes (but not in a creepy way) You can feel me watching you in the night All alone with me and we’re waiting for your Uber (his name is Derek—4.93 stars) Sara, you should smile more Oh, won’t you smile until your Uber arrives … | Continue reading
Listen up, core-heads. Are you ready to get shready? Because this insane lower torso circuit is guaranteed to DESTROY your abs by forcing them to recognize how infinitesimally small they are compared to the vast, lonely expanse of the universe. Just as dark matter dominates the e … | Continue reading
It’s almost robot fightin’ time again, folks! Of course, I’m more excited than anybody to be going into our twentieth (!!!) season of sparks flying, parts exploding, and essentially no danger of the robots becoming fully self-aware and brutally murdering us all. While, yes, given … | Continue reading
Robyn Schiff’s work has long demonstrated that American poetry can be both ornamental and discursive, both formally inventive and intimate. But the intimacy, in her latest, is woven more explicitly—and even more movingly—into the history and science that have long been the stuff … | Continue reading
Knocked Up Rosemary’s Baby Must Love Dogs Cujo You’ve Got Mail Zodiac Confessions of a Shopaholic American Psycho How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days The Shining 13 Going On 30 It Serendipity Final Destination Enchanted The Exorcist 27 Dresses Midsommar About a Boy The Omen The 40-Year- … | Continue reading
As I sit here in every midwestern diner eating my chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes while drinking a non-woke beer, I have to shoo away the New York Times and Washington Post reporters hanging on my every word. The media elites recognize the real power of the American elect … | Continue reading
Dear Colleagues, The University will soon announce plans to overhaul the gen ed program recently adopted by the Faculty Senate. The new program, which emphasizes post-apocalyptic survival skills rather than traditional academic content, will be implemented fall semester. We remai … | Continue reading
You, step forth. What is this… jean… you wear about your waist, child? A “’90s Crop”? Is that really what they call it now? You dare speak of the Wide-Leg jean? You think I do not know their secrets, their deep magicks, their bountiful pockets? You dare, even, to don them in my p … | Continue reading