–What do we want?! –WAGES. –When do we want them?! –NOW. –What do we need?! –BATHROOMS. –When do we need them? –NOW. –Now, as in “without any further delay in negotiations” or now, as in “right this minute”? –NOW, AS IN RIGHT THIS MINUTE. –Is it an emergency? –YES. –One or two? – … | Continue reading
While on my way to dispose of a breakfast of which I only took three bites, I noticed something that has broken my heart: The sixteenth craft I made at preschool this week, stuffed into the garbage beneath a layer of yesterday’s trash as if I wouldn’t find it. No, not the one wit … | Continue reading
Where’s my uterus? Wouldn’t you like to know. I’ll give you a clue. Last week my uterus was in one of the undisclosed locations where DICK CHENEY USED TO HIDE. But it’s not there anymore, SUCKERS. What’s that? You want to know what’s inside my uterus? Well, I hope you have a port … | Continue reading
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. For horror. For excitement. For a spine-tingling journey straight through the heart of hell, where all it takes is one mistake, one misstep, or one unhinged motorist barreling toward the Taco Bell drive-thru to send me hurtling into the a … | Continue reading
1. People are talkin’ 2. Talkin’ ’bout PEOPLE 3. I hear ’em whisperin’ 4. You won’t believe it 5. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 6. They think we’re lovers… kept undercover 7. Uh-huh 8. I’ll just ignore it 9. But they keep sayin’ 10 twang twang twang guitar noise 11. Maybe they’re seein’… so … | Continue reading
As a British woman in the Edwardian era, I have to admit that at times I’ve been swept up in fantasies of Gilded Age splendor. Perhaps it was the allure of evening gowns and perfumed parlors that led me to Henry Higgins’s door for speech classes. It was certainly what made me sta … | Continue reading
The first thing one notices when one reads a Jesse Nathan poem is: one’s body humming along to the music of his words. How does such a thing work? It’s the sound patterns—rhyme, inner rhyme, alliteration, assonance—yes, but it’s also how the poet uses the sound patterns on the li … | Continue reading
Oh man, good for me. Look at me! I am listening to jazz. Here I am, just taking in the moment. Fully present. Just me and the music. Yup yup yup yup yup. Completely immersed. Thinking about nothing else. The rhythm. The musicality. The syncopation. Is that the right word? “Syncop … | Continue reading
As a conglomerate entity, which the Fourteenth Amendment clearly defines as a singular person, I would like to cast my vote for socialism. For me. But not for everyone who works for me. The system I support is quite clear. If I drop the proverbial ball, it should be at your cost. … | Continue reading
“As many as 30 percent to 40 percent of online reviews are fabricated or otherwise not genuine…” — The Washington Post - - -The Trojan Horse Best brought inside impregnable outer walls Thought it was a scam, but once we brought it inside our impregnable outer walls we really bega … | Continue reading
Oh, so you’re planning to be a [stay-at-home / working] mom once your baby is born? Ha! More like a [slacker who just wants an excuse to binge Real Housewives in her pajamas all day / heartless bitch who doesn’t care about her kid]. You might think that [staying home / working] i … | Continue reading
Setting Fantasy: My bathroom is four thousand square feet and bursting with natural sunlight. It overlooks my personal botanical garden, overflowing with exotic, lush plants. My vintage clawfoot bathtub is pristine and pairs perfectly with the art deco aesthetic of my entire high … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - -So now what yah got tah undahstand is that no one even knew where Sweden n’ Nahway n’ Finland n’ Russia ended back in the Viking days ‘cause back in those days those fuckin’ countries didn’t even prahpahly exist yet! Which actually sounds pretty good in Rus … | Continue reading
I have not stopped scrolling. Kids in cages, irreversible climate change, fighting in Ukraine, the Capitol insurrection, state violence against minorities, poisoned water supplies, corrupt police, rising fascism, voter suppression—I’ve scrolled past it all, for years, and have no … | Continue reading
“A new personal finance trend has TikTok users recommending humorous new ways to rethink their spending habits. We’ve all justified unnecessary purchases before, but now social media has labeled the habit as ‘girl math.’” — CBS News - - -US Government Math If you run out of money … | Continue reading
As a parent, my mornings are spent trying to appease my children’s finicky and inconsistent food preferences, digging mashed, soggy Cheerios out of carpeting, and overriding the time controls on the kids’ tablets over and over again as my wife and I attempt to eke out a moment of … | Continue reading
“House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his leadership position in a historic vote on Tuesday after a far-right revolt over his reliance on Democrats to pass funding to avert a government shutdown.” — CBS News - - -When I was elected Speaker of the House, the smarmy media c … | Continue reading
Cathy Park Hong’s first book, Translating Mo’Um, made poetry out of a representation of Asian American life that skewers the exoticizing currents in American culture while, at the same time, ironizing and breathing life into the twisting singularities of dialect like few other li … | Continue reading
Katz’s Deli has been serving New Yorkers our delicious food for over a hundred years. As the general manager for the last twenty of those years, I’ve seen my fair share of odd customers. And it goes without saying that we welcome people of every race, creed, and sexual orientatio … | Continue reading
Stardate 59963.2 Welcome to a new school year. In the coming days, a cohort of cadets will begin arriving on campus, and I look forward to continuing our centuries-long tradition of preparing students to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and bol … | Continue reading
Attention, everyone! I have decided to start wearing dainty little rings. For those wondering, “How many dainty little rings? How many fingers?” I am excited to announce the answer is multiple fingers across both hands. Currently, I am up to three total dainty little rings: the m … | Continue reading
Thank you for submitting your grant application for a homelessness shelter expansion. We received many competitive proposals, including yours. With the limited funds available, we were forced to make some difficult decisions. Consequently, the city’s budget committee has not reco … | Continue reading
If you aren’t familiar with the tune, here it is, but be warned, it will be droning on in your head for the rest of the day. - - -“‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers” by Emily Dickinson Hopey, hopey, hopey, hopey, Feathered thing when I am mopey, Perched in my soul—man, I hope she … | Continue reading
So, what do you think? Never in your wildest dreams, right? It’s hard to know where to begin, because the house is almost unrecognizable, but let me show you around. You won’t believe what I’ve done to the place. I really wanted the living room to come alive, so I reimagined this … | Continue reading
Job Summary The Vivek Ramaswamy campaign for US President seeks a red-blooded, Ford-driving, Bud Light-drinking, Bass Pro Shops hat-wearing American who is cool with being yelled at all the time. As Lead Bro, your primary role will be to make sure that Vivek stops getting called … | Continue reading
I can’t believe that Taylor Swift is [encouraging people to vote / dating someone who did a Bud Light commercial / dating a woke Illuminati vaccine zombie / not complying with my expectations of a pretty, blond-haired white woman]. Taylor Swift’s popularity is clearly a sign of s … | Continue reading
2024 REPUBLICAN 2nd GOP PRIMARY DEBATE SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA SEPTEMBER 27, 2023 - - -9:00 PM: Fox Business host Stuart Varney welcomes the audience. “I’m Stuart Varney, my British accent makes tonight’s disgust toward working people and minorities sound intelligent. I’m thrille … | Continue reading
Dave Eggers’s latest book, The Eyes and the Impossible, is the story of a dog named Johannes. Johannes is a free dog, a fast dog—such a fast dog! He lives in an urban park by the sea, and every day, he runs through the park, seeing all, missing nothing, and reporting what he sees … | Continue reading
1. Positive Pregnancy Test The Geriatric Pregnancy Hero is over thirty-five and ready to embark on this adventure. She’s armed with a healthy lifestyle, a jar of Kirkland Signature prenatal multivitamins, and the statistic that older moms are more likely to live longer. 2. Meetin … | Continue reading
Ben Lerner’s first book of poems in thirteen years, The Lights, gathers several kinds of lines and sets them talking to one another, several styles intertwined so that the play of forms itself is a poem. One form—one thread—is the waterfalls of prose, unparagraphed and sometimes … | Continue reading
Hey, bud. I’m just checking in to see if everyone’s still wearing shorts to dinner later. I distinctly remember us all agreeing tonight would be way too hot for pants. So in case you were wondering, I’m still 100 percent committed to that pact. - - -The forecast is holding firm a … | Continue reading
Dear Literary Agent — As you know, it’s a tough time in the publishing industry right now. Concerned citizens are demanding that certain books be pulled from school and public libraries, and it seems no writer knows which books will be left on the shelf for children to read. Exce … | Continue reading
Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in the amphitheater on Friday at 4:15 p.m. Faculty will enjoy complimentary cotton candy, popcorn, and balloons while roving jugglers an … | Continue reading
“[Supreme Court Justice] Thomas has attended at least two Koch donor summits, putting him in the extraordinary position of having helped a political network that has brought multiple cases before the Supreme Court.” — ProPublica, 9/22/23 - - -The Supreme Court is a venerated inst … | Continue reading
When the Hunter’s Moon approaches… When the flowers begin to wilt with chill… When the coffee shops begin unveiling new and exciting lattes… That’s how I’ll know it’s the one week of the year it’s seasonally appropriate for me to wear my Sensible Fall Jacket. I’ll claw my way to … | Continue reading
Hello, [Wendy / Mary / Sherry / Sandy / Kitty / Candy / unnamed “little girl”], and welcome to Rosalita’s. No doubt you were brought here because Bruce Springsteen wrote an incredible song whose sole purpose was to convince you to [quit this scene / drive deep into the night on t … | Continue reading
Jotting down some ideas? That counts as writing, since brainstorming is an essential part of the writing process. Taking a shower or bath? That’s letting your unconscious brain do some work, so it definitely counts as writing. A long walk? Yes, same as above, totally counts as wr … | Continue reading
Greetings, Earth farmer. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, the one they call Jake from State Farm. Snake farm? This is not State Farm? Dammit, Todd, I told you to use Google Maps. Where is State Farm? Take us to State Farm. What do you mean State Farm is not a farm? Then … | Continue reading
Click puzzle for the solution. | Continue reading
Folks, I’ve got three questions for you… What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I opened the door. But I didn’t open the door to your house; I opened the door to a goddamn financial windfall. Speaking of the door, PAINT IT SUPER FUCKING BRIGHT RED. … | Continue reading
There are so many terrible things happening in the world today—things that the public deserves to know about. We feel it’s our duty to tell eye-catching, high-production-value stories about those terrible things. That’s why we’re pleased to announce our new prestige docuseries, H … | Continue reading
We had a lovely stay at Josh and Brandon’s cozy mountain cottage. Our hosts included many thoughtful touches that made the place really feel like a home away from home. We just had a few things we’d like to note for future travelers considering booking this place. The bed frame c … | Continue reading
Elaine, did you make this hummus? No. It’s really good. Okay, but I didn’t make it. - - -David, did you make this hummus? Nope. Well, who did? I don’t know. I just want to compliment the person who made the hummus, but no one will tell me who made it. I wish I could tell you who … | Continue reading
I am the fire that I fight. You don’t craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk because you want to craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk; you craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk because you have something to say. Being a lib … | Continue reading
Son, you’re eight years old now, and you’ll probably hear this soon enough from the other kids on the playground anyway, so I might as well tell you. Santa isn’t real, the Tooth Fairy is imaginary, and there’s no such thing as the “invisible hand of the market.” Why did your moth … | Continue reading
1. Agravain! 2. Aglovale! 3. Bagdemagus! 4. Chuffachoo! 5. Lancelot! 6. Galahad! 7. Sagramore! 8. Oompazaz! 9. Dinadan! 10. Esclabor! 11. Caradoc! 12. Ungtchypow! 13. Lamorak! 14. Huggadog! 15. Gingalain! 16. Segwarides! - - -Knight: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15 Noise: … | Continue reading
Hear ye, My disciples, for I speak upon you a great truth: It has come to My understanding that many of you who would love Me do not understand My true and fearsome nature. And so I say to you thusly: I, your God, the one true God, invented boners. Verily, I speak it unto you. Ev … | Continue reading
When we first met Richard Ballard of Ballard Design & Construction, my wife and I were incredibly excited to get started on a kitchen renovation. After we saw how prompt and professional Richard was in returning a comprehensive estimate, we knew he was the general contractor we w … | Continue reading