Hear ye, My disciples, for I speak upon you a great truth: It has come to My understanding that many of you who would love Me do not understand My true and fearsome nature. And so I say to you thusly: I, your God, the one true God, invented boners. Verily, I speak it unto you. Ev … | Continue reading
When we first met Richard Ballard of Ballard Design & Construction, my wife and I were incredibly excited to get started on a kitchen renovation. After we saw how prompt and professional Richard was in returning a comprehensive estimate, we knew he was the general contractor we w … | Continue reading
“U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Sunday night performance of the ‘Beetlejuice’ musical in downtown Denver, accused by venue officials of vaping, singing, recording and ‘causing a disturbance’ during the performance.” — The Denver Post - - - (The curtain r … | Continue reading
There’s a raw and sinewy energy to Elisa Gonzalez’s line. Her debut collection, Grand Tour, clarified and found its final form in the years after her brother was shot to death. So it is a first book and also a shattered elegy, an announcement and an aftermath, by turns impassione … | Continue reading
We, the computer scientists and engineers of this nation, are pleased to announce that we have invented actual, real-life portals. However, we are saddened to announce that they are fucking horrible. We’ve built hundreds of variations of these things, and we promise none are cool … | Continue reading
On the campaign trail, I get asked a lot of awkward questions: “How did it feel when Trump’s supporters wanted to hang you?”; “What was your plan if they started to hang you?”; “Did you not get in the Secret Service’s car because you worried they’d take you somewhere they could s … | Continue reading
My son is ten, and recently he asked me something about racism. And in the middle of it, he farted. “Dad, with racism, are there like, y’know, different typ—BRRRRRrrrrRRRRppp.” Breaker of winds, first of his name, my son has no self-consciousness about producing some natural ener … | Continue reading
The faucet fills my glass with water, but I don’t dare take a sip yet. As I squeeze the lemon into my drink, I mentally levitate. It’s true that I am now earthier and less judgmental. With just one sip of lemon water, I feel myself become effortlessly radiant. I skip my morning c … | Continue reading
Saturday: I sleep for seven restful hours and am gently awakened by the warmth of the rising sun. The world is full of promise. Sunday: I sleep for thirteen REM-less hours and jolt awake to my air raid siren alarm. Nothing to do but hunker down and brace for Monday, because the w … | Continue reading
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of one hundred essays to grade must be in want of a new season of Bridgerton to binge. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student you gave a pencil to yesterday in possession of a perfectly functional … | Continue reading
Are you tired of not being rich? Do you want to make thousands of extra dollars every month without breaking a sweat? Great news: all you need to do is commit an extra forty to fifty hours a week to intense work outside your full-time job, and you, too, can make passive income. I … | Continue reading
Listening to the waiter tell you about the specials even though you picked out your entire meal online on the way to the restaurant. Opening a gift you already own. Opening a gift that you don’t want to own. Hearing gossip “for the first time” that you actually already knew about … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - -So now Loki’s stahtin’ tah feel a bit down n’ all since Odin keeps givin’ him shit fah r’all his vahrious fuck-ups. N’ I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t desehrve it on some level since he keeps doin’ shit like givin’ bihrth tah wolves that ahr eventually gon … | Continue reading
To all inhabitants of Plato’s Cave, If you are receiving this letter, it means you have been designated a tenant of the cave—i.e., you are chained to the wall, you are forced to watch shadows for all eternity, you are projecting said shadow puppets, and/or you are a philosopher w … | Continue reading
Congratulations, you have officially leveled up to menopause. You might be feeling anxious about the many ways that your body is changing, especially your vagina. But rest assured that even though the bloom may be off the rose, your flower is not yet withered. Lean down and take … | Continue reading
I’m going to say something you wouldn’t expect from the CEO of a car company: America’s roads are a warzone. Over 40,000 traffic fatalities in 2021. Millions of car accidents per year. Our streets and highways are dangerous, and it’s clear that the current system isn’t working. Y … | Continue reading
- - -Daddy Boy follows Emerson as he packs into a van full of strangers and drives up and down the country—staying in Days Inns, eating bags of carrots from Walmart, and wanting nothing more than to surrender to the force of a colossal storm. “We had no idea where we were going,” … | Continue reading
Congratulations on your new offspring. I’ve been preparing for this ever since you started waking up to pee every hour. Are you getting tons of sleep advice but no actual sleep? I’m here to help. Trust me, no one is more invested in getting you the rest you need than me, your sle … | Continue reading
1. Check the receipt for your new inflatable standup paddleboard. It’s been six months since you ordered it after drunkenly scrolling your ex-coworker Brittney’s Instagram feed, which is full of majestic outdoor photos. You are way past the return window, so you might as well act … | Continue reading
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1. You have dark circles around your eyes. 2. You look absolutely feral when caught off guard by flash photography. 3. Your behavior is unpredictable, and you could become unexpectedly aggressive at any moment. 4. You are a mostly solitary creature, but sometimes you band togethe … | Continue reading
Dearest Lydia, It is a truth universally acknowledged that a gentleman is never more attractive than when he drops his exquisitely toned posterior down, on beat, and into the splits. With one’s four elder sisters married to three strappingly mutton-chopped men and one pianoforte, … | Continue reading
Greetings! If you’re reading this semi-legible note, it means that you’ve royally ticked off King Stenkill the Merciless, and you now find yourself falling at a maximum speed of two hundred miles per hour. As the self-elected mayor and official greeter of this bottomless pit, let … | Continue reading
Like many ’90s kids, I lusted after the panoply of colorful, sugary cereals that were marketed to us in a never-ending parade of cartoon mascots, box-top sweepstakes, and jingles so catchy that, to this day, I remember them more vividly than anything I learned in graduate school. … | Continue reading
Joseph Stalin was a brutal tyrant. When he took power, he began a totalitarian regime, imprisoned and executed thousands of citizens, and orchestrated a famine. But the man deserves credit for what we now realize is the single most important trait in a leader: he wasn’t old. I’m … | Continue reading
Timothy Donnelly’s new book, Chariot, is a genius sweep of quatrains—almost all of them consist of five stanzas, long-lined, sheer music. Donnelly’s sensibility has always gathered its strength at the point where essay and lyric meet, where philosophy shades into beautiful brilli … | Continue reading
Hello, human woman who smells like moth pheromones and eats ice cream alone in tubs. It’s been a while. As your BabelRabbit Model 0G 94914-7, also called “my vibrator” and “which vibrator,” this is a reminder that your—mortal coil—is rapidly collapsing into oblivion. Currently, y … | Continue reading
ONE STAR. If I could, I’d give it zero stars. I cannot believe I wasted six hours making this so-called banana bread. I did everything right. I followed the recipe exactly, except for changing every single ingredient. All I did was swap the all-purpose flour for whole wheat—no bi … | Continue reading
What’s that, Mikey? A piece of playground mulch? Nice. Let’s put that in our bucket, okay? Oh, and who’s this? Hey there. Mikey, it looks like he has a piece of mulch for your bucket too. Can you let him drop it in? Very nice. Oh, and now you both want to keep collecting pieces o … | Continue reading
Neon lights on diner signs are a vibe. Neon lights as art is not a vibe. Midcentury modern is no longer a vibe. Art Nouveau is back in vibe. Scandinavia, the area of the world, is a vibe. A vibey restaurant is not my vibe. A vibey bar is trying too hard to vibe. A vibey club is t … | Continue reading
Hello, and welcome to our adult friendship. It can be hard to maintain close friendships upon reaching adulthood, and that’s why we’ve streamlined the process into a simple monthly text. Please respond with “lol” to confirm our friendship. By confirming this friendship, you are a … | Continue reading
Colleagues, friends, and adjuncts — As many of you know, the university is facing unprecedented budget shortfalls. These shortfalls aren’t directly your fault, but to be honest, it is you who will absorb the consequences of our lack of funds. That said, please know we think you’r … | Continue reading
2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN AUGUST 23, 2023 9:00 PM: The debate opens with a rugged Sam Elliot-style cowboy voiceover opining on where exactly Wisconsin is, saying, “Some call it the heartland, some call it flyover country, but wherever this backwater hole … | Continue reading
I hit rock bottom earlier this year. I was sad, sick, alone, and seemingly out of options. But I’m happy to say that I’ve got a new lease on life. I’m happier, healthier, and more social for only $8,000 a month, with 6.4% APR financing. Before, I would spend every night alone in … | Continue reading
I wake up earlier than usual, fresh-faced and ready to take on the day. I did not spend the entire night tossing and turning, kept up by anxious dreams in which the movers arrived late, the previous tenets in my new place decided they actually didn’t want to move out, and the box … | Continue reading
Looks like you waited too long to strike. Remember, the iron has to be nice and hot before you swing that hammer. Let’s try it again. - - -Once an Apple has fallen, you will see it on the ground nearby the Tree from which it dropped. - - -Rome is a special area that requires the … | Continue reading
Introducing CarbonCore BoroTex with GroundToClouds Terra-Teflon Technology. What’s it mean? It means if you don’t have it, you’re not ReallyOutdoors. It’s finally here, even though we can’t describe what this bullshit really is. We’re kidding, totally fucking around with you; we … | Continue reading
Okay, sweetie, just stay calm and don’t panic. I SAID DON’T PANIC. You’re making me nervous. Now, to do this the RIGHT way, we need a portable X-ray unit. Of course, your father always forgets the portable X-ray unit. He remembers the dog’s birthday. He remembers to refill the hu … | Continue reading
Welcome to our faculty. We have recently changed our titling norms to more accurately reflect how you will allocate your time. We will conduct the merit review process approximately seventeen days after your first day on contract, so make those days productive. Merit reviews gene … | Continue reading
Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden, home of Italian-adjacent cuisine and poignant observations about the human condition as it intersects with the natural world. As you can tell from our name, we invite you to step across the threshold of ordinary life into a world of exquisite writin … | Continue reading
I awake to my wife hovering over me in bed. She says she loves to watch her prince in slumber, especially when I stop breathing and then gasp like an injured goose. She purrs that she could spend all night adoring my smacking mouth, the drool escaping my slack jaw, and the way my … | Continue reading
“Divide and conquer.” “War room.” “Crack the whip.” “Let’s drill our vertical bores into sacred Native American land and leak noxious fossil gases into the atmosphere.” “We as a company must come together to sweep any human rights abuses under the rug so that our CEO, a powerful … | Continue reading
Gentlemen, Your opinions on the discography of the last fifty years interests me about as much as you think it does a middle-aged woman traveling coach to Boston with a L.L. Bean boat tote filled with crackers. I read mild. I read invisible. I read that probably all I listen to i … | Continue reading
Good morning! Oh, come on, we can do better than that! I said, “Good morning!” That’s more like it. Thank you for joining me today for this workshop on implementing ReadingMath123ABC, an innovative, comprehensive curriculum your school district purchased for $250,000 based on one … | Continue reading
The Band – A device your physical therapist wants you to use to increase joint flexibility. Pink Floyd – A nickname for your rosacea. Deep Purple – The color of your spider veins. Blur – Your twenties and thirties. The Smiths – What you call the three couples you socialize with w … | Continue reading
Jeffrey Yang’s latest book is Line and Light, a title that rhymes in a way with the title of his second collection, Vanishing-Line. Line and Light, his fourth full-length work, is sprawling, vast, like a city of poetry. It’s composed of five sections, all of them serial in form o … | Continue reading
MORON #1: Great wig. It must be so cool not to have to do your hair. ME: I’ve worn a wig since my hair fell out. I got tired of people gawking at me and my bald-ass head like I was some escapee from Area 51. It’s especially fun to wear this wig during the summer months. With this … | Continue reading
“Prosecutors have found racketeering laws to be powerful tools in targeting not only foot soldiers in a criminal enterprise, but also high-level decision makers.” — The New York Times - - -Yeah, that’s right, it’s me, Racketeering Charges, and I’m bursting into this ex-president … | Continue reading