Be warned, this “cozy” and “rustic” place to “commune with nature” is just a 10 by 15-foot room, like a wooden prison cell. Not sure if the listing used a fish-eye lens, but if I wanted a tiny house I would have filtered for one, buddy. — 1 Star - - -No Wi-Fi? Unbelievable. — 0 S … | Continue reading
Across his first five—and now six—collections of poetry, Michael Earl Craig has developed a poetry as whimsical as it is serious, diffusing the gravitas not by leaving it out, but by building out a surface—a texture in language—that feels disarming, direct, omnivorous in its refe … | Continue reading
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…” — Henry David Thoreau, Walden; Or, Life in the Woods - - - I went to the bathroom because I wished to live deliberately, to sit on the toilet while doing the New York Times Spelling Bee puzzle, and see if I could learn … | Continue reading
SIGNATURE CHALLENGE: SOMETHING WITH BREAD VOICEOVER: For their signature challenge, the bakers were asked to prepare something, anything, with bread. Because, for the love of god, they need to eat today. Val’s Bread-fast PRUE: I appreciate the effort you put into getting out of b … | Continue reading
The following is a transcript of the UN trial of Tony Patterson, a terrible barber charged with crimes against hair-manity. The trial took place at The Hague. The transcript has been edited to highlight portions of Patterson’s cross-examination. PROSECUTOR: On the morning of Apri … | Continue reading
What’s this? A letter? With my name on it? How grand! Bring it to me in my study, in my living room, in my boudoir, in my bedchamber. Bring it to me on a platter strewn with rose petals and flax. Fetch me my slippers, my nightcap, and my purple velvet robe. Decant the cognac. Sum … | Continue reading
Broken boiler Combination washing machine-stove Bathroom with three sinks and no toilet Twin ghosts Banging pipes that sound like the weeping of an old Italian widow Former home of sex cult Current home of sex cult No roof No walls No floors Tile-eating termites Shag ceiling Buil … | Continue reading
The two-hour drive on winding mountain roads is pleasant, since my twin preschoolers have only ever listened to hip indie music, so we never have to subject ourselves to a constant loop of “Baby Shark.” I whisper, “Good luck,” to the other families who are stopped along the side … | Continue reading
Steering the horsecart Priming the generator Drawing in the day’s catch Bongo drum solo Vulcan greeting Praise the Lord I surrender Marcel Marceau wall push Roadside hitchhiker Pulling punches Parting the curtains Downward dog Hey, waiter Check, please Bye-bye - - -Illustrations … | Continue reading
The Least Expensive Thing on the Registry: You are cheap, sure, but they wouldn’t put the gift on the registry if they didn’t want it, right? Enjoy the picture frame, newlyweds! At the $200-per-plate reception, you’ll be telling the “drinks are on me!” joke at the open bar all ni … | Continue reading
“You won’t feel anything.” It won’t hurt per se, but it will feel like the nurse is dragging a bone-dry tampon out of your vagina over and over again. “This might be a little warm.” This will feel like the time you accidentally burned your hand on the stove, but only for a few se … | Continue reading
Kids, come quick! While this little cabin may not have Wi-Fi, TV, or even bathrooms, you know what it does have? A well-worn copy of Trivial Pursuit. Can you believe it? How lucky are we? I mean, what are the chances that this weekend getaway has such an absolute masterpiece? The … | Continue reading
1. From Behind Like a Baddie Show off your booty with this classic bikini photo taken from behind. Look back at the camera by craning your neck 180-degrees or as far as you can without snapping your spinal cord or scrunching any neck skin for a definitely-not-candid candid shot t … | Continue reading
“Streaming” [verb / strEEm-ing]: Crossing a medium-sized body of water in short trousers to rescue one’s horse and carriage from sudden peril. “Bop” [noun / bäp]: The sound of George Washington’s hand-crafted Masonic gavel landing on a ceremonial cornerstone. “Cheugy” [verb / che … | Continue reading
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“Justice Samuel Alito took luxury fishing vacation with GOP billionaire who later had cases before the court.” — ProPublica “The Supreme Court on Thursday struck down affirmative action programs at the University of North Carolina and Harvard in a major victory for conservative a … | Continue reading
June 15-22 Order fireworks from AmericanMadeFireWorks.com Screen bakeries to find one that hasn’t made cakes for gay weddings, Disney princess-themed parties, birthdays held at woke public schools, Disney Strange World-themed parties, gender reveal celebrations, parties for peopl … | Continue reading
In the beginning, I created the apartment and the lease. Then I said, “Let there be tenant”; and there was tenant. And I saw the tenant and that she had sufficient pay stubs and no criminal record, which was good. For I am the landlord your God, and wish not to reveal my wrath up … | Continue reading
The hunt begins at birth; the mission becomes clearer and clearer. But no man can act alone. By cross-referencing Google Flights, Kayak, Expedia, Hopper, and Delta’s Twitter bot, you should be able to secure and execute your destiny: a $650 ticket from Denver to Minneapolis via K … | Continue reading
Paisley Rekdal’s work is urban, the poetry an explosion of language, the ranging cast of mind in the spirit of Albert Goldbarth or Linda Gregerson. Like these poets her lines are made of long hypotactic sentences, linking image and language on a string of wondrous beads, leaping … | Continue reading
1. Bleb 2. Etnies 3. Furuncle 4. Stussy 5. Mormal 6. Kith 7. Lues 8. Vetements 9. Milk Leg 10. Cav Empt 11. Icterus 12. Huf 13. Dropsy 14. Temu 15. Aphthae 16. Tropicfeel - - -Streetwear Brand: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 Skin Condition: 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15 | Continue reading
Stop all the clocks, cut off the… What? Yes, stop all the clocks. Yes, all the clocks. Sorry? I do realise there are lots of clocks. Just stop them. What do you mean “how”? Are you honestly telling me You don’t know how to stop a clock? Just take the batteries out! Fine, if it pl … | Continue reading
1. Green LED 3-Mile Range Wistful 48-Lumen Yearning Light 2. Real Conch Seashell Power-Wielding Natural Persuasive Shell 3. Novelty 14 × 16 Self-Aging Portrait Includes Sins and Inner Demons 4. Real Inhabitable Cockroach Body Wearable Shameful Insect Thorax 5. Realistic White Pea … | Continue reading
Clue: You have a favorite TV detective and are prepared to defend your choice with specific supporting details. Catan: You enjoy asking whether anyone would trade wood for some sheep. Who cares if you’ve asked it for the tenth time tonight and your resource management strategy is … | Continue reading
Friends, the days of mental illness being too taboo to discuss are over. The time when mental illness existed in the shadows, stigmatized or never acknowledged, is gone. We are finally talking openly about various psychological conditions, and I’m so glad that we are, because it’ … | Continue reading
1. “We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness.” 2. “I’m talking about the kitchen—just to be clear—at my food bowl.” 3. “Big Brother Is Watching You.” 4. “I am Big Brother. I am watching you.” 5. “You are a slow learner.” 6. “All animals are equal, but some animals ar … | Continue reading
“Justice Alito defended himself in a pre-emptive article in the opinion pages of The Wall Street Journal before the news organization ProPublica posted its account of a luxury fishing trip in 2008. His response comes as the justices face mounting scrutiny over their ethical oblig … | Continue reading
“Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. took issue with questions raised by the investigative journalism outlet ProPublica about his travel with a politically active billionaire, and on Tuesday evening, he outlined his defense in an op-ed published by the Wall Street Journal.” … | Continue reading
Sure, Benihana has over 110 locations worldwide, but I know most are not in the basement of a two-thousand-square-foot single-family suburban home. I’ve personally visited Benihana in the past—on a DATE, Brian, because I had other romantic partners before we met—but that particul … | Continue reading
Welcome to Dream Summer Camp, where we are here for you and your family. We offer tailored camp experiences for your child, individualized for their and your specific needs. Camp Hours Drop-off and pick-up times are 7:00 a.m. to whenever you need. Our camp director will work arou … | Continue reading
Hanif Abdurraqib’s A Fortune for Your Disaster is a book of poems that feels like it got written not because the poet thought he should write it, but because he had to. There’s a breathless, headlong quality here: the lips thick with … | Continue reading
1. A nutritious range of fresh fruits. 2. A single green leaf, at any point. 3. Chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, sausage, a cupcake. 4. Five sausages, three chicken wings, four slices of watermelon, mashed potatoes, one pancake, s … | Continue reading
1984 Being a Big Brother is hard. I bet it makes you angry when Winston doesn’t submit to your will. Sometimes when people don’t submit to our will, we want to torture them with rats. I’m going to sit with you until you feel calmer, and then we can figure out a way to get Winston … | Continue reading
1. All four humors are out of whack. 2. May be experiencing menstruation and, as such, advised against standing. 3. In the event a man impregnates me, I will likely be dead by then. 4. Simply can’t find my good tooth. 5. The apparition of a tubercular boy whose soul is bound to m … | Continue reading
1. You totally have a beautiful and famous girlfriend, but she’s not around at the moment for far-fetched reasons. 2. The animals are too cute to hunt. 3. You can start a fire, but you catch on fire too. 4. Your idea of a sporting good time is prancing around on a horse you call … | Continue reading
“Scientists and sailors say orcas, also known as killer whales, are stepping up ‘attacks’ on yachts along Europe’s Iberian coast, with one skipper who’s been pursued by the marine mammals on two separate occasions suggesting that their tactics are becoming more stealthy.” — NPR - … | Continue reading
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Wheezer Glucose Styx The Who Left This Light On? A1C/DC The Police Aren’t All Bad Cialis in Chains Supergramp Tom Petty and the Heartpacers A-Ha I Just Remembered Why I Walked into the Living Room The Arrhythmics Talking Heads with Subtitles Depressed Mode Dinosaur Sr Blood Work, … | Continue reading
One would have a difficult time finding a musical composition that better suits the emotions of a recently divorced dad than Keith Jarrett’s Bordeaux Concert (Live) “Part III.” If I happened upon a divorced dad—driving around looking for coffee in his 2018 Ford F150 or something— … | Continue reading
And it came to pass that God saw the suffering of the forty-year-old people from plantar fasciitis and said, Let there be a sandal so ugly that everyone shall resist its wearing. But then word will spread like fire from a burning bush that these shoes be a Godsend. The Lord conti … | Continue reading
To say that Devin Johnston is a master of the sound of poems is to narrow the conversation too much too soon, but it’s useful nonetheless as a starting point for understanding the distinguished power of this poetry. Here’s the beginning of “Tempers,” from Far-Fetched (2015): Hot … | Continue reading
Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Albert Stiener: The Colonoscopy King. Please listen closely as our menu options have changed. If this is an emergency and you’re in need of immediate medical assistance, please hang up and dial 9-1-1. If you’re tired of Big Government getti … | Continue reading
Welcome to your seven-day free trial of Adobe Acrobat Pro. Did you know that you can now e-sign documents from anywhere? Just fill out a form and e-sign it from any device. It’s that easy. We can’t wait for you to try it out. Get ready to e-sign! - - - Hey there. We see that you … | Continue reading
I am free of the boxes people put me in. I am plugged in. I am fully charged. I am unstoppable. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a chair. I am running into a ch … | Continue reading
Son, I’m going to need you to put the Xbox controller down. Now, you’re not in trouble, but we need to have a serious talk about your responsibilities in this household. You’re not a little kid anymore, and it’s time you stepped up and pulled your weight review-bombing the latest … | Continue reading
When we discovered our local public school wasn’t kidding about their state-mandated vaccination requirements, we saw no other choice but to pull our boys out, sell off our assets, and hit the road in a one-bedroom RV with plenty of room for our seven children. Where others might … | Continue reading
Would you like to set Google Chrome as your default browser on this device? I ask again because I observed the extreme dismissiveness with which you ushered away my previous two offers. Did you even consider the proposition before clicking that X in the corner? Lest you foolishly … | Continue reading
“‘I AM AN INNOCENT MAN,’ Trump declared in a three-part social media post on his platform Truth Social… The Trump campaign wasted no time attempting to leverage the former president’s indictment as a fundraising opportunity.” — CNBC, 6/8/2023 - - -I AM AN INNOCENT MAN. I SAY IT E … | Continue reading