Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
“I should have used Saran wrap, but I’m not above eating the stale remains of the pickleball player’s soul.” I yawn out a plume of black flies, then slither out of bed and over to the Keurig machine. In my haze, I accidentally puncture the last pod with a gnarled claw, causing co … | Continue reading
Listen, I get it. You’ve been lurking in this creaky old house for centuries. It’s your time to shine—Halloween is your Super Bowl. But could we maybe hold off on the supernatural terror until after the election? I’m barely keeping it together. You’ve been doing a stellar job wit … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe. - - - Once upon a midnight dreary, While I slumbered, weak and weary, In a cozy townhouse In the suburbs of Cleveland, While I dozed off, nearly snoring, Suddenly there came a roaring From the baby monitor That lay on my nightstand. “’Tis just t … | Continue reading
“The stand-up comedian Tony Hinchcliffe took the stage early in former President Donald J. Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden on Sunday, hurling a wave of insults and vulgar statements at minority groups including Jews, Latinos and African Americans.” — New York Times - - - A … | Continue reading
“The stand-up comedian Tony Hinchcliffe took the stage early in former President Donald J. Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden on Sunday, hurling a wave of insults and vulgar statements at minority groups including Jews, Latinos and African Americans.” — New York Times - - - A … | Continue reading
Excerpts from Side A of this year’s worst-selling Halloween cassette tape. To listen to the audio versions of these sketches and others, click here. - - - 1. Running into an Ex You’re Still in Love with at the Grocery Store LAURA: Dave, is that you? YOU: Babe! I mean, Laura. How… … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
“After the Washington Post announced it would not endorse a presidential candidate in this year’s election or in the future, its billionaire owner remains silent as the newspaper’s staff are in turmoil.” – CNN - - - The Starfleet Gazette will not be endorsing a candidate in the u … | Continue reading
Halloween Michael Myers breaks through your front door. He informs you that your son volunteered you to bring a “homemade sweet treat” to the kindergarten holiday parade, which is in two hours. Psycho You hit it off with a cute guy and agree to move in with him. He neglects to te … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
It’s a platform, right? A platform you stand on. Not too big, not too small. Platform-sized. You get the picture. The platform is flat. I guess that goes without saying. Who ever heard of a slanted platform? A slanted platform is a ramp. A ramp is not what I’m pitching. Wait! The … | Continue reading
You left your most recent dinner party to read the latest Muhlenberg Poll of the PA 7th Congressional. You’ve developed an involuntary facial tic triggered by the word “toss-up.” You had one of those special dreams again with Steve Kornacki, where you were the map. Does this soun … | Continue reading
Desire and determination. That’s where it all begins. You have to want to terrorize a child. You have to want to transfer your soul into their body. It must come from deep down inside you, because it’s hard work. You’re not always going to feel like inflicting multiple stab wound … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
They don’t tell you this in the Hot Dog Handbook, but hot dogs are hungry for mystery… There’s something weird leaking from gas station ceilings. What’s dribbling down is not rainwater or condensation from an AC unit or anything gnarly like that—it’s a pink juice we like to call … | Continue reading
Today, I want to talk about transformation. As mayor, I promise I will turn into a beast of policy and transform this town overnight into something we don’t even recognize. I want everyone to wake up the day after I’m sworn in and say, “What the hell happened last night? Gerald, … | Continue reading
I first met Dean after my wife and I had split up—dude, why is everyone freaking out, it was just a small earthquake. We get it. Move on. Look at everyone with their little Twitter jokes about the earthquake. Okay, okay, book, book, book. Focus on the book. So, that’s when I had … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Sometime in the future, three prisoners from the Keystone MAGA Work Camp carve President Trump’s likeness into Mount Rushmore. PROTEST VOTER: You know what I thought when I woke up this morning, facing yet another day of carving President Trump’s head into Mount Rushmore? I regre … | Continue reading
My nephew told me he was getting into punk music and played me some stuff from this guy Machine Gun Kelly. I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes. What these kids today call “punk” is embarrassing. It’s time they learn what real punk is from someone who was there when it happ … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Mansion: Moaning in the middle of the night Airbnb: Changing the WiFi password to alternate between zero and the letter zero, like “00OO0O000O” Mansion: Shouting “Get Out!” Airbnb: Giving commands via posters, like EAT or LIVE LAUGH LOVE. Mansion: Creating panic in their minds ov … | Continue reading
SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your forty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring pers … | Continue reading
Amazing (at Appearing High in Your Search Results) Zucchini Bread Not the Best Zucchini Bread Pretty Good but Still Kind of Dry and Bland Zucchini Bread Zucchini Bread Exactly Like the Recipe Above but with a Random Extra Quarter Teaspoon Baking Powder and a Completely Unnecessar … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Yeah, we love Pennsylvania. That’s our very special hello to Latrobe. Oh, I love Latrobe. You know why? The home of Arnold Palmer. This is the home of my friend Arnold Palmer. And he loved Latrobe. You know, he turned out to be one of the greatest golfers in the world. He started … | Continue reading
Your Wife Never Truly Loved Halloween She claims she used to be in love with All Hallow’s Eve and that she spent years trying to work things out with the spooky season. But it’s become abundantly clear that she is a liar. Your wife never loved Halloween. And you know what? GOOD. … | Continue reading
How should I prepare for my first mammogram? On the day of your exam, don’t apply deodorant or scented lotions. Also, be sure to remove any nipple piercings, nursing children, and/or tiny nipple top hats. Will I need to arrive early to fill out paperwork? Yes. We have efficiently … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
Guess If These 40 Peripheral Figures in Your Life Actively Despise You or Don’t Know You Exist What Happy Days Character Are You? You Are Chuck Here Is Your Bed. This Is Not a Quiz Can You Guess Whether These 51 Tips to Feel Great Will Work? I Am Not Genuinely Curious How Many of … | Continue reading
With the 2024 presidential campaign entering the homestretch, an anxious nation has once again turned to historian Allan Lichtman and his Thirteen Keys to the White House. Every four years, Lichtman predicts who will win the presidency based on whether the incumbent party has met … | Continue reading
Not that you asked, but I’m in the uniquely devastating position of being unable to have kids the “usual way” (sex). My doctor gives my husband and me a less than 10 percent chance of things “working out naturally” (also, sex). (He loves air quotes.) I’m done crying over it. You … | Continue reading
An experienced fixer for journalists covering Haiti, Jean often unexpectedly finds himself on the subject side of stories. After his son was kidnapped and his house taken, Jean decided to move his family out of Port-au-Prince to the Dominican Republic. In the new book, The Four D … | Continue reading
Dear Television Executives, It is time to make a lesbian season of Love Is Blind. Let me be clear: It is my sincere belief that Love Is Blind—in which contestants date each other through a wall, get engaged through said wall, and only see each other once they’ve said yes—is the b … | Continue reading
The referee This person has been taking their children to the playground since the 1930s and has developed an elaborate game that involves constantly running from one part of the playground to another. You will occasionally hear them yell out instructions like “Red alert!” “Back … | Continue reading
One of the many things that makes Catherine Barnett’s work so compelling is her willingness to look doubt and ennui and abjection squarely in the face. To make it, in fact, a part of the beauty. To welcome it into her lines. It is the grace and candor in the act of that curiosity … | Continue reading
Thanks for sharing your work, Glenn. It definitely engaged my imagination. However, there were a few instances where I found it hard to parse. Here are my notes: “I wanna savage your spinal remains.” Unless you’re one of those bone-crushing vultures, this doesn’t really make much … | Continue reading
I’m a well-informed Hobbit—a Boffin from Overhill, thank you very much—who is in a kerfuffle about whom to throw my Hobbit-sized support behind. For some, the choice is clear, but for a little guy like me, I’m feeling awfully torn up, like a tear-and-share cheese bread during Win … | Continue reading
Are my hot flashes due to an estrogen imbalance or a rapidly warming planet hastened by unaccountable oil barons who own our elections? Am I irritable because my progesterone is low, or because social media has turned my prefrontal cortex into a 24-7 whack-a-mole game to sell me … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
“Musk’s Super PAC Offers $47 to Those Who Help It Find Trump Voters” — New York Times, 10/7/24 - - - Please help. My brain is like the Cybertruck nav system. I know something’s wrong there, but no one can figure it out. I’ve read all the psychology books, but none of them address … | Continue reading
“‘We will each write a ghost story,’ said Lord Byron; and his proposition was acceded to. There were four of us.” – Mary Shelley, Introduction to Frankenstein. - - Wow, Mary! Wow. Dr. Frankenstein and his monster. I can’t imagine anything more chilling. In fact, it’s so chilling … | Continue reading
Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to … | Continue reading
1. Set your alarm for 6:00 a.m. the night before. You want to be first in line for the perfect pumpkin. 2. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. It’s not like they’re going to run out of pumpkins. Snooze until ten. 3. Put on your newly purchased … | Continue reading
With America more politically polarized than any time since the Civil War, the most important issue facing the next president is figuring out how to heal our divided nation. Vice President Harris is undoubtedly the candidate most likely to bring our country together, but she will … | Continue reading
Can I still pay my union dues by sacrificing goats, bartering homemade macramé, or offering to house-sit while the high priestess is on vacation in Tulum? The Topeka Coven has long accepted sacrificial gifts to our dark lord, in-kind bartering, and occasional house-sitting as pay … | Continue reading