“San Francisco Pride loses $300,000 after sponsors drop out: ‘The tone has changed in this country.’” — Them, 3/17/25 - - - Dear Queer Organization, This isn’t an easy letter to write, but after so many years together, we owe you honesty and transparency, so we will say this as p … | Continue reading
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding federal operations through the end of September, fissures have expanded within the Democratic Party on how best to counter Donald Trum … | Continue reading
Dear Board of Trustees, As professors at this large state university, we want to thank you for your recent investment in athletics. We admit, when we first heard that you were spending $50 million to replace our washed-up, elderly football coach with a washed-up, elderly, unemplo … | Continue reading
Whenever you open Instagram or TikTok, you’ve probably seen Mark Wahlberg jumping in an ice bath at 4 a.m. or squeezing in a third set of bicep curls in the dead of night. What you don’t see is us coaching him behind the camera, because we are Mark Wahlberg’s phalanx of personal … | Continue reading
“Foreign goods may get a little more expensive, but American goods are going to get cheaper; and you’re going to be helping Americans by buying American.” — US Secretary of Commerce, Howard Lutnick - - - Americans, it’s time to rejoice. We know that you have been forced to adopt … | Continue reading
5 a.m.: I wake up at the crack of dawn and shoot myself up with a cocktail of hormones. 7 a.m.: Now that I’m roided up, I log onto Facebook and cyberbully women by telling them I’m going to beat them at all their sports today. 7:20 a.m.: From my liberal woke closet, I pull out an … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - So fuckin’ like, in those dahk medieval times, the Vikings were goin’ bonkahs all ovah the fuckin’ place n’ both men n’ women thought it was wicked awesome tah wield weapons. N’ I guess that isn’t exactly too fuckin’ new; it’s just that we had a multi-cent … | Continue reading
TO: Heads of Executive Departments and Agencies FROM: Department of Grammar Efficiency (DOGE) RE: Guidance on grammar The federal Government is eliminating inefficient grammar. NO ONE understands how to properly use an em-dash or semicolon. Therefore, those types of punctuation a … | Continue reading
“At some point you see somebody do a lot of the same thing and call them a hack. And then I thought, How do you become a hack? At least hacks make a living.” - - - Over a year ago, a mutual friend let the artist Michael Smith know I was interested in doing an interview with him. … | Continue reading
I know many Americans are fearful about the state of democracy, but let me be the first educator to say: Don’t worry. We teachers are almost finished with the liberal brainwashing of our nation’s children. Right now, every public school student in America awaits our instructions … | Continue reading
“Mr. Trump has acknowledged, despite all his confident campaign predictions that ‘we are going to boom like we have never boomed before,’ that the United States may be headed into a recession, fueled by his economic agenda.” — New York Times. March 13, 2025 - - - Listen, I’d love … | Continue reading
Well, I’ve done it. I’ve climbed the media ladder and joined a cadre of independent pundits like Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, and Tucker Carlson. And I did it with just an insatiable appetite for trolling liberals. Of course, I’ve made a lot of enemies along the way—the socialist Demo … | Continue reading
TO: FAM CHAT Guys—Katie, excuse the use of “guys” for a sec here, but honestly, didn’t we always kind of think that was one notch over the woke line? Well, I did. There’s no suitable uh… alternative and… Anyway… Okay. So. The thing of it is that a TV writer I know just wrote a me … | Continue reading
Start with your closet. Identify all the T-shirts you haven’t worn in three years. Then throw away all your clothes, including the ones you’re wearing. Use a duster to clean off the top shelves above your bed. After that, tear down the shelves and blow them to smithereens. Do a b … | Continue reading
“‘The only thing that makes sense is for Canada to become our cherished Fifty First State,’ Mr. Trump wrote on social media. ‘This would make all Tariffs, and everything else, totally disappear. Canadians taxes will be very substantially reduced, they will be more secure, militar … | Continue reading
Motherhood is all about making sacrifices and supporting your children, no matter how outrageous their decisions may be. I’ve learned to accept the fact that my son Lawrence (whose friends rudely refer to him as “Chunk”) wants to be a “Goonie.” But this? THIS? Nothing in Dr. Spoc … | Continue reading
The Willy-Nilly System of Governance is a hybrid model that brings together both definitions of the term willy-nilly: “in a careless way without planning” and “whether you want it or not.” That’s right; the word the system is named after is nonsensical and has two completely diff … | Continue reading
People don’t understand what’s funny anymore. You basically have to tell them when to laugh—and that burden often falls on yours truly. “He’s just trolling us,” I say to my wife, as I pay two hundred dollars for eggs and our town gets measles for the second year in a row. “It’s a … | Continue reading
“The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy…” — Elon Musk - - - I see Musk’s point. Empathy is destroying Western civilization, which is why it’s good that he and DOGE got rid of all those USAID programs around the world. Fending off starvation in Ethiopia and pr … | Continue reading
“The Trump administration said Friday that it’s pulling $400 million from Columbia University, canceling grants and contracts because of what the government describes as the Ivy League school’s failure to squelch antisemitism on campus.” — AP - - - What with anti-Semitism on the … | Continue reading
“The Trump administration said Friday that it’s pulling $400 million from Columbia University, canceling grants and contracts because of what the government describes as the Ivy League school’s failure to squelch antisemitism on campus.” — AP - - - What with antisemitism on the r … | Continue reading
“I didn’t think it could get worse after the 2016 release, but it got worse—much, much worse.” “Horrible character development. It’s nearly impossible to believe these people are real.” “I stayed up all night to find out what would happen. I still don’t know, and I might never sl … | Continue reading
“Trump’s erratic trade policies are baffling businesses, threatening investment and economic growth.” — AP - - - Tariffs shall apply to all exports unless we have a surplus of certain exports and need to offload. Then we’ll cut you a great deal. You like corn? Tariffs shall apply … | Continue reading
The White House proudly announces that the first-ever National Women’s Day will be held on March 8. Formerly—and badly—known as “International Women’s Day,” President Trump has patriotically renamed this holiday to honor the best women on the planet: the women of the United State … | Continue reading
A quarterly column, steady as ever “And yet all his crimes seem to be a quite straightforward consequence of the way the contemporary art market operates: borderline criminality is baked in.” - - - Books read: All That Glitters: A Story of Friendship, Fraud, and Fine Art—Orlando … | Continue reading
It is hard to imagine with the eighty-two executive orders already issued by President Trump, that a man of his stature, extraordinary power, intellect, sensitivity and unwavering focus on the needs of the American people, would find the time to address an issue that is so insidi … | Continue reading
“Martin O’Malley, the former commissioner of the Social Security Administration, said the recent cuts made by tech billionaire Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency at the agency could result in the ‘collapse’ of the Social Security system ‘within the next 30 to 90 days … | Continue reading
The past fourteen days, like all epochs reduced to memes and cable news chyrons, have revealed the cyclical farce of power—a pantomime of bullies, billionaires, and eggs priced like bullion. We chronicle here the struggles of the recently unemployed, the begrudging representative … | Continue reading
Look, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. I know you’re making a sincere effort to learn about my background. You’re here to assess my strengths and weaknesses. You’re trained to evaluate how I might fit into your fast-paced, team-oriented culture. You need to determine … | Continue reading
“The Pentagon announced that Fort Moore, formerly named Fort Benning for a Confederate general, will again be named Fort Benning, although it will now honor a different Benning.” – CBS News - - - It is with immense pleasure that I, King Éomer of Rohan, announce that Helm’s Deep a … | Continue reading
How long have I been in this place? I cannot say. In the darkness, time has lost meaning. The only days I remember are Days of Heaven (Terrence Malick, 1978), the only nights, Nights of Cabiria (Fellini, 1957). My head aches, my ears ring, my thoughts swing between panic and unso … | Continue reading
There is so much beyond words. There are actually no adequate words for the full complexity of human feeling, for the arcane details of a distant memory, or the colors of the sky. Blue doesn’t really cut it, but most often it’s the best we have. Poems, then, are the last stop bef … | Continue reading
“Delivering the longest address to Congress in modern presidential history, Mr. Trump reprised many of the themes that animated his campaign for president and spent little time unveiling new policies, as presidents traditionally have done on these occasions. He spoke for roughly … | Continue reading
Learn to Speak Russian (Like Your Life Depends on It) “Where is the bathroom?” Gde tualet? A good phrase to know in any language. “Hello, nice to meet you.” Zdravstvuyte, priyatno poznakomit’sya. Best accompanied by a broad smile that indicates you’re not a threat. You never know … | Continue reading
Hey there, I’m the chiropractor you found heavily discounted on Groupon. I know you came in to align your ankles, but I feel way more of a thrill when dealing with the human neck. May I? Okay, so I’m noticing you tensed up a bit after I violently rotated your neck 180 degrees to … | Continue reading
Photo by ajay_suresh on Wikimedia Photo by Freepik Photo by Freepik Photo by wayhomestudio on Freepik Photo by Aldair Donaldo Ordoñez De Yta on Pexels Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels Photo by pikisuperstar on Freepik Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels Photo by Tima Miroshnichen … | Continue reading
“Do you mind me shouting at you like this, or would you prefer I let you pass without shouting at you?” “I’m a medical doctor who just looked at your health records, and good news! You’ll never get cancer!” “Your parents were wrong to name you that!” “Your name is NOT my name too … | Continue reading
Dear Mr. Jame Egan, Chief Executive Officer at Lumon Industries, First, I congratulate you on implementing the severance procedure, which successfully blocks your employees’ memories and knowledge from the outside world when they are at work so they can completely focus on their … | Continue reading
“Gallery-goers might have been outraged not only because of the work’s simplicity—it is a 79.5-centimeter-square canvas bordered thickly in gray and white, filled in with black paint—but because it was not even a square.” - - - A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine c … | Continue reading
It was, with the somewhat unexpected return of Jadis, White Witch and Queen of Narnia and Empress of the Lone Islands, the hopes of this Editorial Board that Queen Jadis’s second reign would be marked by more understanding and compassion than her first reign was. In some ways, we … | Continue reading
“[T]he University of North Texas administration recently censored the content of more than two hundred academic courses, including by mandating the removal of words such as race, gender, class, and equity from undergraduate and graduate course titles and descriptions. These actio … | Continue reading
“Jeff Bezos, the owner of the Washington Post, announced a major shift to the newspaper’s opinion section on Wednesday, saying it would now advocate ‘personal liberties and free markets’ and not publish opposing viewpoints on those topics.” — New York Times - - - For nearly 150 y … | Continue reading
“The golden age of America begins right now.” — President Donald Trump, during his inauguration speech. - - - We promised that, if elected, we would return America to “a golden age.” And by God, we did it. We delivered on that promise. Admittedly, it’s not the golden age you were … | Continue reading
Greatest Generation: People born between 1901 and 1927 who lived through the Great Depression and definitely never made a TikTok of themselves jumping into a kiddie pool full of nachos. Second-Greatest Generation: “My Generation” by the Who. Silent Generation: People born between … | Continue reading
“The Trump administration’s pick for FBI deputy director is Dan Bongino, a former U.S. Secret Service agent-turned-conservative commentator whose fiery support of President Trump has earned him a massive following — and seen him banned from YouTube for promoting misinformation.” … | Continue reading
Well, look who just spotted me and isn’t happy about it. You’ve got the same look as you did when that server told you to enjoy your tortellini, and you said, “You too.” I think you’re familiar with my work: I’m the typo in your novel that just went to print, the wrong use of “yo … | Continue reading
Now that we’ve elected a president who promises to make America great again, it’s time to bring back our traditional American values, including: Strict gender roles for men and women Christianity (white Jesus only; ignore any passages about the weak or poor) Classical architectur … | Continue reading
To all Starfleet personnel, It is with great enthusiasm that we announce Starfleet’s commitment to moving beyond so-called diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives and embracing a post-bias future where everything is fine and no one needs to think too hard about it. For … | Continue reading