A few weeks back, a COVID denying right-wing Fauci bashing radio host died from the very virus he claimed was a hoax. Of course, the Twitterverse took no time in expressing its glee. “Thinning the herd!” “Get Wrecked. Good riddance.” “One down, many more Darwin award contende … | Continue reading
“Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) To celebrate my fifty-third birthday, my wife Annie reserved us … | Continue reading
After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game’s over and the soccer moms and dads finally finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She alway … | Continue reading
After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Not since I … | Continue reading
“Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years of dealing […] | Continue reading
“Daddy,” my daughter said. “Is magic real?” “You mean like when a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat?” “Yes.” “That’s not magic,” I said, “That’s an illusion.” “What’s an illusion?” “Remember how I made that coin disappear?” I said, referring to the only feat of legerdemain … | Continue reading
A little while ago, a friend of mine said, “You know what death is like?” “Not having died,” I said. “No.” “Nothing.” “Come again?’ “It’ll just be one big nothing,” he said. “Do you remember what you were like before you were born?” “Nope.” “Death will be just like that. Go … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago I was at the gym, huffing and puffing on the Stairmaster, when I noticed a woman looking at me. In her early forties, she was pretty, fit, and wearing some kind of workout garment that accentuated her shapely physique. Since I don’t suffer from the delusion that … | Continue reading
“There’s someone her to see you,” one of my volunteers, said. “Who?” I said, not looking up from my paperwork. “A couple with two kids. They said they need to talk to you.” Even though Christmas is just under two months away, the food pantry I run is already busy preparing for t … | Continue reading
I driving to meet a friend at the cigar shop when my stomach started grumbling. Which was odd since I had only eaten dinner an hour before – a healthy meal of baked chicken, brown rice and a gigantic salad. But since I had done an hour of fairly intense cardio after work, I figur … | Continue reading
Yesterday I went looking for a homeless person who probably wasn’t going to accept any help. “Have you seen this person?” I asked two DPW workers doing landscaping in a nearby park. “Try the supermarket,” one of them told me. “Might be there. Walks around town all day.” “Thank … | Continue reading
“Excuse me,” I said to the lithe twenty-something after she uncoiled out of her improbable yoga pose. “Yes?” the girl said, her creep detection radar blasting enough wattage to boil my blood away. “Are you using this box for your workout?” “Oh,” she said, “No I’m not. Sorry.” … | Continue reading
When I woke up Sunday morning, I decided to be a good daddy and take my daughter to the movies. “We’ll see that live action Dora the Explorer movie,” I told my wife. “She’s been asking me to take her.” “Great,” my wife, said. “Keep her out of here for a while. I’ve got so much … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago our dishwasher, an old Kenmore that came with the house, gave up the ghost. After decades of barebones apartment living washing dishes by hand, the thought of not having a machine to do that chore was anathema to my middle class soul. So my wife and I immediately … | Continue reading
On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what … | Continue reading
On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what … | Continue reading
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to get my tooth filled when one of the dental techs hurried into the room. “There was a stabbing at the deli!” she said. “What?” the dentist said. “When?” “A few minutes ago. A woman was stabbed eleven times. Three times in the head. “ … | Continue reading
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to get my tooth filled when one of the dental techs hurried into the room. “There was a stabbing at the deli!” she said. “What?” the dentist said. “When?” “A few minutes ago. A woman was stabbed eleven times. Three times in the head. “ … | Continue reading
I was waiting in an exam room in my cardiologist’s office, watching the clock. My appointment was for 5:40. It was now 6:45. “He’ll be just a minute,” an assistant said, poking her head into the room. “Hang in there.” “If I’m the lowest priority in the cardiologist’s office,” I s … | Continue reading
I was waiting in an exam room in my cardiologist’s office, watching the clock. My appointment was for 5:40. It was now 6:45. “He’ll be just a minute,” an assistant said, poking her head into the room. “Hang in there.” “If I’m the lowest priority in the cardiologist’s office,” I s … | Continue reading
My nephew was deathly afraid of flying. Every time his parents suggested they go on a trip involving airline travel he’d freak out – convinced he’d perish in a 30,000 foot uncontrolled descent. I figured he grow out of this phobia – but then my parents offered to take my brother’ … | Continue reading
My nephew was deathly afraid of flying. Every time his parents suggested they go on a trip involving airline travel he’d freak out – convinced he’d perish in a 30,000 foot uncontrolled descent. I figured he grow out of this phobia – but then my parents offered to take my brother’ … | Continue reading
A couple of days ago I was watching a science program about the end of the universe. It was kind of depressing. 1,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000, 0000000000,0000000000, 0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000 0000000000,0000000000,0000000000 … | Continue reading
Just before my beloved dog Buster died I found out we had mice. It was late in the evening and, as I was keeping vigil over Buster, I heard a scuttling sound in kitchen. When I looked up a brown mouse shot across the kitchen floor and dove underneath the stove. Just great. Buster … | Continue reading
When the cable installer rigged up my new television service a few days ago he had to open up the drop ceiling in my basement to install some new wiring. But when he pushed up the ceiling tile a small surprise was waiting for him. Two empty beer cans fell on his head. “Who likes … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago I got sick of my cable company’s usurious fees, terrible customer service, out of date equipment, degrading internet speed and them being assholes in general. So I canceled, signed up with one of their competitors, and arranged an installation date. I will not nam … | Continue reading
Django used to hang out with my dog “Buster” at the dog park. A very cute pooch. His owner is having trouble paying his vet bills. Any help you can give him would be most appreciated. The GoFundMe link is here, Thank you. | Continue reading
This morning my daughter climbed into my bed and prodded my shoulder. I was already awake but pretended to sleep, adding an exaggerated snore for emphasis, “Wake up time, Daddy,” Natalie said. “Wake up time.” I snored again and was rewarded with a giggle. Little fingers danced on … | Continue reading
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now w … | Continue reading
It was Sunday night and my wife and I were having cocktails at Musso and Frank Grill on Hollywood Boulevard. Using the mirror behind the bar, I watched an older man putting the moves on a twentyish platinum blonde in a tight red dress who reminded me of Jean Harlow. Even though h … | Continue reading
“So, what do you do?” the well-heeled man asked me. I was in the middle of munching on a canapé so I held up a finger and continued masticating. As I did so I remembered that, in France, it’s considered rude to ask people what | Continue reading
Two days ago, the news broke that Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, the Archbishop Emeritus of Washington D.C., had been accused of molesting a 16-year-old altar boy when he was a New York City priest in the early 70’s and that the Pope had removed him from | Continue reading
Anthony Bourdain’s book Kitchen Confidential inspired me to write my blog Waiter Rant. When that blog became a book in 2008, Anthony provided a very gracious front cover blurb which undoubtedly boosted the book’s success. I owed him a great deal. My wife woke me to | Continue reading
Recently, televangelist Jesse Duplantis proclaimed that God told him he needed to purchase a 57 million dollar Dassualt private jet to help carry out his ministry. The conversation allegedly went like this. GOD: Jesse, you wanna come up where I’m at? DUPLANTIS: What do you | Continue reading
I parked my car in front of my daughter’s school and walked up to the front door. As I rang the bell I smiled. This is the best part of my day. The door buzzed and I walked in. “Whose daddy is here?” the teacher | Continue reading
A while back, a young person told me, “I don’t want to have children. Why should I bring another human being into this horrible world?” I sat back in my chair, not knowing how to answer. There really is no answer. Many people choose not to | Continue reading
The sound of the phone ringing punctured my sleep and my eyes snapped open. Staring at the ceiling my first conscious thought was, “Was that crack always there?” Groaning, I picked up my phone. It was my town’s emergency response department. I was in their | Continue reading
When I walked into the endodontist’s office his receptionist said, “Welcome back Mr. Dublanica.” “There’s no ‘Welcome back’ when you come to the endodontist,” I said. “What you should say is,’ You screwed up and now you’re going to pay!’” “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m | Continue reading
“Root canal,” the dentist said. “Aw shit,” I said. “Let me call the endodontist. Maybe he can fit you in today.” “Okay.” Sitting in the chair, I gingerly touched my bicuspid and was rewarded with a stabbing jolt of pain. Two weeks ago, the dentist | Continue reading
“There’s a ghost in my room,” my daughter wailed from her bedroom. Sighing, I rolled out of bed and walked into Natalie’s room, figuring this was just another ploy to stay up longer. “Where’s the ghost?” I said. “There,” Natalie said, pointing to the wall. | Continue reading
A couple of days ago I was watching my old dog sleeping on his bed. In canine years, Buster must be well over a hundred. Blind and mostly deaf, he is no longer able to traverse the stairs and spends of most his time sleeping | Continue reading
Last Saturday I was in a townie bar watching my wife do her standup comedy routine. I didn’t like the tavern at all. When I went to get a beer the bartender, who seemed overwhelmed by the simplest of orders, gave me $11 in change | Continue reading
“Gee this is really fancy,” a parent said to me. “Yeah,” I said, surveying the hangar sized childrens’ museum where we were holding my daughter’s fourth birthday party. “When I was a kid my mom made a cake from the box and we played pin | Continue reading
A couple of days ago I was watching a TV show called Lucifer. The premise is that Satan, bored of running Hell, decamps to Los Angeles and becomes a consultant for the LAPD. Of course, he’s a scoundrel, speaks with an English accent and runs | Continue reading
As social services director for my town, the holidays are my busiest time of year. We hold a Thanksgiving food drive, an “Adopt a Family” program where we anonymously match up client needs’ lists with willing donors and run a toy drive. I start preparing | Continue reading
Many years ago, I was walking towards the entrance of the urban hospital where I worked and found a tremendous pool of blood on the sidewalk. After I got over the shock of finding such gore I noticed a blood trail and decided to follow | Continue reading
After sitting for almost three hours in a movie theatre I needed to take a wicked leak. So, while the movie’s credits were still rolling, I gathered up my car keys, an empty gallon sized cup of Diet Coke, my cane and hobbled towards the | Continue reading
This is my favorite psych ward story….. At the tail end of a long shift, I was sitting in the nurses station when I heard a blood curdling scream. Leaping out of my chair, I raced into the hallway where I found one of the | Continue reading