Several months ago, one of the cops in my town donated a near mint condition bike that used to be his daughter’s. “Barely a scratch on it,” he said. “You could donate it to the thrift barn,” I told him, referring to a local outfit that accepts books, clothes, and toys, sells the … | Continue reading
My wife and were watching a show on Netflix about the subject of infinity when they trotted out an example that blew my mind. If you put an apple in a box and left it in there for an infinite amount of time, the apple would eventually decay and turn to dust, but all the […] The p … | Continue reading
My wife and I lead busy lives and, when we come home from work and deal with an energetic almost nine year old, we’re often exhausted when the subject of “What’s for dinner?” comes up. Last night we succumbed to laziness and went to a Japanese restaurant – sitting on bamboo mats, … | Continue reading
One of the perks of being a municipal employee is that I get the flu vaccine for free. No visits to the doctor or pharmacy – just go into the auditorium, roll up your sleeve, and get stuck. “Will you also be getting the COVID vaccine today?” the clerk taking my information asked … | Continue reading
Lying on the operating room table, I was strangely calm. Looking at the surgical light hovering above me, I counted how many times I’d been put under anesthesia. No counting wisdom teeth extractions, getting broken bones set or colonoscopies, I’d been put under five times – once … | Continue reading
“My blood pressure’s going to be high,” I told the med tech. “Let me guess,” she said. “You have white coat syndrome.” “Yeah,” I said. “That’s it.” The reading came out 140/72. Not as bad as I thought. When I took it at home that morning it was 120/70. I guess those deep breathi … | Continue reading
Years ago, when my wife to be and I were Christmas shopping in a ritzy mall replete with Tiffany, Hermes, Rolex and high couture retailers, we decided to get coffee in the VIP lounge to which Annie’s uber elite travelers credit card gave us entrée. When we got inside, however, ev … | Continue reading
Gabriel’s trumpet sounded, the end of the world came to pass, and the righteous were queued up outside Heaven’s Gate, clamoring to enter Paradise. “I can’t wait to get in,” one of them said. “I’ve worked so hard to get here.” “I heard they serve a mean margarita at the Elysium C … | Continue reading
I saw this excellent and thought provoking article by Mary Pezzulo on Patheos and decided to reprint it here. Nobody Prays at the Slumlord’s House I saw a post online recently, about people praying the Rosary outside the public library. It’s a rally they’ve planned to “make repa … | Continue reading
Several times a year, I must undergo tests to see if my cancer has returned. Despite all the previous ones coming back negative and my doctor telling me I’m “golden,” I still live with the fear it’ll come back. Normally I’m fine between these diagnostic probes of my mortality but … | Continue reading
Yesterday, my wife texted me an article about a priest who resigned his pastorship of a Catholic parish because all the baptisms he’d performed over twenty years had been deemed invalid. That means all the subsequent sacraments those unbaptized souls had received – like marriage … | Continue reading
My wife was stuck at work, so my daughter and I were enjoying a quiet dinner when she asked, “Daddy? How many girlfriends do you have?” “I don’t have any girlfriends” I said. “I’m married to your mother.” “Did you have girlfriends?” “Yes.” “How many?” I paused before answerin … | Continue reading
It was the morning after my daughter’s eight birthday and, since she had the day off from school she got to sleep in late. Taking advantage of the quiet, I made myself breakfast, put on a pot of coffee and then, after I’d stowed the dishes in the dishwasher, retired with my java … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago, in order to wean my daughter from those Barbie shows she’s always watching, I suggested we watch a nice nature program instead. After spinning up a list of National Geographic shows on my smart television, I told my daughter to pick one and, since she thinks shar … | Continue reading
Many years ago, I dated a lovely and kind woman who hailed from Dallas, Texas. Her late father was a theologian of some renown at Southern Methodist University and had been on the faculty committee that investigated a scandal involving the school’s Division One football team – re … | Continue reading
I’m allergic to cats. A friend of mine has three or four of them, necessitating mass quantities of Claritin if I want to go inside his house. Don’t get me wrong, I like cats – they’re graceful and beguiling creatures – but they turn me into a sneezing snotty mess within minutes. … | Continue reading
A few weeks back, a COVID denying right-wing Fauci bashing radio host died from the very virus he claimed was a hoax. Of course, the Twitterverse took no time in expressing its glee. “Thinning the herd!” “Get Wrecked. Good riddance.” “One down, many more Darwin award contende … | Continue reading
“Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) To celebrate my fifty-third birthday, my wife Annie reserved us … | Continue reading
After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game’s over and the soccer moms and dads finally finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She alway … | Continue reading
After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Not since I … | Continue reading
“Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years of dealing […] | Continue reading
“Daddy,” my daughter said. “Is magic real?” “You mean like when a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat?” “Yes.” “That’s not magic,” I said, “That’s an illusion.” “What’s an illusion?” “Remember how I made that coin disappear?” I said, referring to the only feat of legerdemain … | Continue reading
A little while ago, a friend of mine said, “You know what death is like?” “Not having died,” I said. “No.” “Nothing.” “Come again?’ “It’ll just be one big nothing,” he said. “Do you remember what you were like before you were born?” “Nope.” “Death will be just like that. Go … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago I was at the gym, huffing and puffing on the Stairmaster, when I noticed a woman looking at me. In her early forties, she was pretty, fit, and wearing some kind of workout garment that accentuated her shapely physique. Since I don’t suffer from the delusion that … | Continue reading
“There’s someone her to see you,” one of my volunteers, said. “Who?” I said, not looking up from my paperwork. “A couple with two kids. They said they need to talk to you.” Even though Christmas is just under two months away, the food pantry I run is already busy preparing for t … | Continue reading
I driving to meet a friend at the cigar shop when my stomach started grumbling. Which was odd since I had only eaten dinner an hour before – a healthy meal of baked chicken, brown rice and a gigantic salad. But since I had done an hour of fairly intense cardio after work, I figur … | Continue reading
Yesterday I went looking for a homeless person who probably wasn’t going to accept any help. “Have you seen this person?” I asked two DPW workers doing landscaping in a nearby park. “Try the supermarket,” one of them told me. “Might be there. Walks around town all day.” “Thank … | Continue reading
“Excuse me,” I said to the lithe twenty-something after she uncoiled out of her improbable yoga pose. “Yes?” the girl said, her creep detection radar blasting enough wattage to boil my blood away. “Are you using this box for your workout?” “Oh,” she said, “No I’m not. Sorry.” … | Continue reading
When I woke up Sunday morning, I decided to be a good daddy and take my daughter to the movies. “We’ll see that live action Dora the Explorer movie,” I told my wife. “She’s been asking me to take her.” “Great,” my wife, said. “Keep her out of here for a while. I’ve got so much … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago our dishwasher, an old Kenmore that came with the house, gave up the ghost. After decades of barebones apartment living washing dishes by hand, the thought of not having a machine to do that chore was anathema to my middle class soul. So my wife and I immediately … | Continue reading
On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what … | Continue reading
On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what … | Continue reading
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to get my tooth filled when one of the dental techs hurried into the room. “There was a stabbing at the deli!” she said. “What?” the dentist said. “When?” “A few minutes ago. A woman was stabbed eleven times. Three times in the head. “ … | Continue reading
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to get my tooth filled when one of the dental techs hurried into the room. “There was a stabbing at the deli!” she said. “What?” the dentist said. “When?” “A few minutes ago. A woman was stabbed eleven times. Three times in the head. “ … | Continue reading
I was waiting in an exam room in my cardiologist’s office, watching the clock. My appointment was for 5:40. It was now 6:45. “He’ll be just a minute,” an assistant said, poking her head into the room. “Hang in there.” “If I’m the lowest priority in the cardiologist’s office,” I s … | Continue reading
I was waiting in an exam room in my cardiologist’s office, watching the clock. My appointment was for 5:40. It was now 6:45. “He’ll be just a minute,” an assistant said, poking her head into the room. “Hang in there.” “If I’m the lowest priority in the cardiologist’s office,” I s … | Continue reading
My nephew was deathly afraid of flying. Every time his parents suggested they go on a trip involving airline travel he’d freak out – convinced he’d perish in a 30,000 foot uncontrolled descent. I figured he grow out of this phobia – but then my parents offered to take my brother’ … | Continue reading
My nephew was deathly afraid of flying. Every time his parents suggested they go on a trip involving airline travel he’d freak out – convinced he’d perish in a 30,000 foot uncontrolled descent. I figured he grow out of this phobia – but then my parents offered to take my brother’ … | Continue reading
A couple of days ago I was watching a science program about the end of the universe. It was kind of depressing. 1,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000, 0000000000,0000000000, 0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000 0000000000,0000000000,0000000000 … | Continue reading
Just before my beloved dog Buster died I found out we had mice. It was late in the evening and, as I was keeping vigil over Buster, I heard a scuttling sound in kitchen. When I looked up a brown mouse shot across the kitchen floor and dove underneath the stove. Just great. Buster … | Continue reading
When the cable installer rigged up my new television service a few days ago he had to open up the drop ceiling in my basement to install some new wiring. But when he pushed up the ceiling tile a small surprise was waiting for him. Two empty beer cans fell on his head. “Who likes … | Continue reading
A few weeks ago I got sick of my cable company’s usurious fees, terrible customer service, out of date equipment, degrading internet speed and them being assholes in general. So I canceled, signed up with one of their competitors, and arranged an installation date. I will not nam … | Continue reading
Django used to hang out with my dog “Buster” at the dog park. A very cute pooch. His owner is having trouble paying his vet bills. Any help you can give him would be most appreciated. The GoFundMe link is here, Thank you. | Continue reading
This morning my daughter climbed into my bed and prodded my shoulder. I was already awake but pretended to sleep, adding an exaggerated snore for emphasis, “Wake up time, Daddy,” Natalie said. “Wake up time.” I snored again and was rewarded with a giggle. Little fingers danced on … | Continue reading
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now w … | Continue reading
It was Sunday night and my wife and I were having cocktails at Musso and Frank Grill on Hollywood Boulevard. Using the mirror behind the bar, I watched an older man putting the moves on a twentyish platinum blonde in a tight red dress who reminded me of Jean Harlow. Even though h … | Continue reading
“So, what do you do?” the well-heeled man asked me. I was in the middle of munching on a canapé so I held up a finger and continued masticating. As I did so I remembered that, in France, it’s considered rude to ask people what | Continue reading
Two days ago, the news broke that Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, the Archbishop Emeritus of Washington D.C., had been accused of molesting a 16-year-old altar boy when he was a New York City priest in the early 70’s and that the Pope had removed him from | Continue reading