Thanks so much for sending me your script. There’s tons of great stuff in here, but I think it’d be a lot stronger if you kept in mind the utter meaninglessness of human existence. I loved all the action sequences. Jimmy and his crew of bank robbers are a lot of fun, but some of … | Continue reading
They say where there’s smoke, there’s fire. But what happens when there’s too much fire? As I looked out my window at the haze engulfing my beloved city, I couldn’t help but wonder: If one little spark could burn more than nine million acres of land in Canada, then why couldn’t m … | Continue reading
There is something nostalgic about Warheads Soda. Not in a bike-riding, sprinkler-running, sleepover-camp kind of way, but more in a repulsive sort of “Remember how I used to think it was acceptable to eat Cool Ranch Doritos crushed over an untoasted bagel for lunch every day?” k … | Continue reading
Q. What is the asteroid package? Congrats on your engagement. Our boutique venue Asteroids4You offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a celebration that ends with your entire wedding smote by an asteroid. Q. How do I know the asteroid package is right for me? Let’s face … | Continue reading
To say that Megan Fernandes writes funny—often devastatingly funny—teeming, jittery, compassionate, impatient lyrics is still to miss the deeper point. In her third collection of poems, I Do Everything I’m Told, there is something else flowing under the dazzling surfaces, the rib … | Continue reading
“You should never ask a lady that.” “Why? Did someone say something?” “I can’t say that I haven’t not been flossing.” “Yes… Oh, my teeth? No.” “Are you going to put your hand in my mouth and feel around?” “I’m so glad you brought it up. Do you want to discuss this over a couple o … | Continue reading
Our cutting-edge lemonade stand harnesses the insight of artificial intelligence to help us understand our customers’ needs like never before. We’re confident this next-gen technology was a valuable investment for our twenty-five-cent children’s drink business. Before we opened o … | Continue reading
This Pride Month, we’re proud to stand with the LGBTQIA+ community. We believe everyone has a part to play in doing The Work of eradicating injustice and homophobia for good. And we thought our part could be coloring in our social media logo for a month. Some fight for equality o … | Continue reading
Ruggles: Puli, named by the kids. Tolerates (barely) their “Ruggles snuggles.” Wonderland: Retired greyhound. Amory: Papillon whose owner does not know how to spell “amore.” Or “Papillon.” Kendall: Afghan hound with her own Instagram. Chelsea: Pomeranian with her own Instagram. H … | Continue reading
Residents of Sesame Street, Thanks to all of you who have stopped by these past two days to say hello, howdy, or hola, and then asked for honey. Thank you also to our repeat customers who came in the next day saying greetings, or good day, and then asked for grapes. Your combined … | Continue reading
For the Gentlemen 1. Get out your measuring tape. Measure your waist. 2. Measure from your crotch to your foot. 3. Take those two numbers in the order you measured yourself. You are ready to buy pants. For the Ladies 1. At what age did you first learn about death? 2. Add one for … | Continue reading
Dear Parents, We are pleased to announce that Adams Middle School has partnered with Live Nation to make it easier for you to purchase tickets to the upcoming Seventh-Grade Band Concert and all future performances, including the much anticipated Waiting for Godot: The Musical, wr … | Continue reading
Hey marketing team for every major brand: Do you really think that I—a proud, rational, and tasteful LGBTQ+ person—am going to purchase your silly little product just because you released a pride edition? Because I will. You are correct. The pride month pandering that occurs ever … | Continue reading
Dear Breasts, First off: I see you. I want you to know that. You have tirelessly nourished two demanding infants over countless hours of your existence. They’ve slapped you. They’ve scratched you. They’ve wasted your elixir by popping off at the slightest distraction, just as you … | Continue reading
My spouse Robin and I start our morning by enjoying a well-balanced breakfast of cereal, a glass of milk, and a backup glass of milk. While we eat, I glance at our framed “LOVE WAITS!” purity pledges on the dining room wall, which we enforced until we’d been married for a year, j … | Continue reading
“Why,” asks Katie Farris in the title poem of her new book’s opening poem, “write love poetry in a burning world?” Except that in her title there’s no question mark. And the poem that follows is not so much a revelation but a proposal, to the self, that the difficult work—the wor … | Continue reading
WHITMAN: Are you the new person drawn toward me? SWIFT: Saw you there and I thought, “Oh, my God, look at that face. You look like my next mistake.” WHITMAN: To begin with, take warning, I am surely far different than what you suppose. SWIFT: You’re the “kind of reckless that sho … | Continue reading
Your dog takes a highly individualized approach to your care. Instead of saying your Vitamin D is low and suggesting you get more sun, your dog takes you on three walks a day. If you have insomnia, they’ll lay on your stomach and stare into your soul until you fall asleep every n … | Continue reading
“epigraph, n.: a brief quotation placed at the beginning of a book, chapter, etc.” —Webster’s “Loneliness took me for a ride…” —Aerosmith Greetings. You’ve picked up a new novel. Isn’t it exciting? Gonna be a wily one, if I’m any indication. In fact, I’ll bet you chose this book … | Continue reading
- - -SEE ALSO: When to Turn Your Heat on in New England: A Decision Guide | Continue reading
We recently learned that Bluestar Sleepaway Camp+ Experience, Waystar Royco’s newest venture in premium edutainment catering to our most precious audience members, has run into a few minor hiccups. We want to assure you that we take these allegations as seriously as we take the w … | Continue reading
The alarm blares, and I wake up with a renewed vigor to indoctrinate America’s youth. I ride my bike to work, smugly turning up my nose at real Americans who drive trucks. As I pedal, my thoughts are preoccupied with how I will infect children with my liberal agenda. No other ide … | Continue reading
Stop yelling at me. I don’t know why I’m plowing into this corner either, but the harder I push this toggle-pusher thingy, the harder it pushes back. Also: why are there four screens? It’s hard for me to tell what I’m looking at. Oh, that’s all of us? That’s so sweet. It makes me … | Continue reading
A lot of thought went into the concept and design of our space and we can’t wait to share it with you. First, we wanted the restaurant to feel vast and spacious, so we did an open-ceiling concept as the raw industrial warehouse look is “in.” Our ceiling measures approximately fou … | Continue reading
Milkweed Scurfpea Creeping Buttercup Sticky Willy Adder’s Tongue Hairy Bittercress Wild Madder Couch Grass Stinging Nettle Prostrate Spurge Hellebore Nutsedge Viper’s Bugloss Baby’s Breath Nipplewort | Continue reading
Montana has become the first state to completely ban TikTok for its residents, and I for one couldn’t be more supportive. As a proud American, I’m gravely concerned about TikTok’s parent company ByteDance, and their access to the personal data of me and my fellow citizens. Also, … | Continue reading
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of the year. Here are a few tips to help you move out of your dorms: Log on to your housing portal and click the button marked “Express Checkout.” This will immediately cut the power to your room and disable your key. Be sure that previo … | Continue reading
Someday, Sarah, our ship will come in, and I’ll buy you a diamond as big as your eye and a mink coat to rival any movie star. And then, Sarah, I’ll move us back to the neighborhood we used to live in before we got priced out. Just imagine, Sarah, our own row house, the very same … | Continue reading
The Police — The Firemen Foo Fighters — Foo Non-Violent Conflict Resolvers Grateful Dead — Grateful We Got On the Right Dose of Antidepressants Before We’re Dead Maroon 5 — Maroon 4 Because That One Guy Was Actually Super Toxic The Jesus and Mary Chain — Jesus and Mary Are No Lon … | Continue reading
You’re going to love camping. Trust me, it’s awesome. The multi-mile hike to the campsite is super rewarding. Carrying your clothes, shelter, water, and food on your back is an incredible way to connect with your body. Don’t worry about slowing us down if you can’t keep up. It’s … | Continue reading
Dear Applicant, Congratulations. You have been admitted to our prestigious graduate school program, which will not drastically improve your career prospects, but will allow you to avoid adulting for another year or two (or six, for the particularly diligent researchers and those … | Continue reading
We at HBO recognize that our audience’s values have evolved. Similar to the recent edits of Agatha Christie and Roald Dahl, we will be revising our older shows with dated attitudes and values that do not reflect the current state of the world. This network has a responsibility to … | Continue reading
Various houseplants in a shrimp pan sauce The bottom half of a mouse with pizza grease Rubber bands and hair ties in whole milk Raw chicken juice reduction, from garbage Window condensation, fish tank water, and one piece of kibble Something crunchy we found on the floor at 3:00 … | Continue reading
At college graduations, the faculty wear dark flowing robes, satiny hoods, and puffy hats. Look closely, and you’ll notice little variations—they are not arbitrary. Each detail tells a rich story about the professor wearing the regalia. Robe Color Indicates the professor’s approa … | Continue reading
It’s an event: Randall Mann’s work is now gathered in Deal: New and Selected, a volume of poems as rich as they are chiseled. Mann is a love poet, or at least a poet of lust—though maybe that’s a description of all poets—but Mann is also a writer whose passion is almost always sh … | Continue reading
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a South Asian American in today’s political climate? Are you looking for a cultural experience that goes beyond following Padma Lakshmi on Instagram and watching Hasan Minhaj’s latest special? This AAPI Heritage Month, “South Asian Amer … | Continue reading
I’m the person who designs offices that have no walls or sound barriers so you have a tighter sense of community while you and your coworkers shout over each other into your telephones. When I first planned these indoor hellscapes, I asked myself, What would I want if I ever had … | Continue reading
Noom Instructions: Pay seventy dollars a month to count calories in an app and receive daily reminders that celery is less calorie dense than cake frosting. Pros: Fleeting sense of accomplishment from signing up and paying for a service. Cons: Ruin brunch by assessing the calorie … | Continue reading
IF YOU HATE BILLIONAIRES, WHY ARE YOU ALL SO OBSESSED WITH SUCCESSION? WRITERS ARE GREEDY ( | Continue reading
“Elon Musk is facing heavy criticism for Twitter’s decision to censor tweets at the behest of the Turkish government right before the country’s presidential election.” — Daily Beast - - -Of all the rights claimed by a free people, perhaps none is more important than the right to … | Continue reading
Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. No big news over here—and no rush to call me back.” Urgency: I am bursting to tell you HUGE NEWS. (The township finally paved over that pothole.) - - -Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.” Urgency: Something definitely is grav … | Continue reading
FROM: Jason Finch, senior associate TO: All partners, Quartz Oak Venture Fund MEMO: Incredible early-stage startup for our AI tranche: Allison Miller Intro: Everyone in the VC space is scrambling to find the next OpenAI and revolutionize the field. I present for your consideratio … | Continue reading
In the bathroom on your first Hinge date after a man with one really long fingernail pressures you to set up a cryptocurrency wallet on your phone. 0/10 In the child psychologist’s office after asking her if the divorce will turn your son into the type of man who wears a puka she … | Continue reading
Last week I was walking back from the subway after a day in the office, chastising myself for yet again not thinking in good time about how I would feed myself that evening when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted some stoop bounty. Vegan, bunny-backed bounty to be precise: te … | Continue reading
Thanks for coming, everyone. We all know why we’re here: our counterfeit money operation is in danger of going belly up. Now, I don’t want to come down on anyone—this is just about seeing what we can do better. First off, our “superbill” project has been a disaster. In retrospect … | Continue reading
“Oh, for crying out loud.” For fuck’s sake. Is this a fucking joke? “Get outta town.” Are you fucking kidding me? “Ya gotta help me out here.” Come the fuck on. “Well how ’bout that!” That’s fucking great! Holy shit! “Boy, I hear ya.” Shut the fuck up. “Excuse me?” The fuck did … | Continue reading
Brad Leithauser has been publishing poems and novels, much of it brilliant work, for forty years. When he was a young man he imagined writing a book about the structure of poetry. It has recently appeared—has been haunting his imagination for decades, and now at last is available … | Continue reading
“The idea behind [Swedish Death Cleaning] is simple: At a certain point in your life, you should stop accumulating more stuff and start dealing with the stuff you’ve already accumulated so your loved ones won’t have to do it after you’re gone.” – Lifehacker - - - Life is temporar … | Continue reading