“When Republican megadonor Harlan Crow isn’t lavishing Justice Clarence Thomas with free trips on his private plane and yacht, he lives a quiet life in Dallas among his historical collections. These collections include Hitler artifacts, plus a garden full of statues of the 20th c … | Continue reading
1. You’re wearing pajamas—not sexy or cute ones. 2. When a friend visits, you’re drinking a beer on the couch. 3. You’re not wearing makeup. 4. You don’t really feel like going to the party. When you do, you feel awkward and alienated, and you leave early. 5. You’re wearing baggy … | Continue reading
Okay, fine. You caught me. Congrats on catching the real Easter Bunny in the act. Yeah, I’m real. As real as Santa Claus. You know what else is real? My hatred of Santa Claus. Seriously, fuck that guy. Like his job is any harder than my job. You know how long it takes to hide two … | Continue reading
Dear Farmers and Black Market Animal Traders of 2300 BCE: My name is Noah, son of Lamech and ninth descendent of Adam. I am six hundred years old and I need to look at your animals’ pee-pees. Long story short, God’s sending a colossal wall of water to cleanse creation of wickedne … | Continue reading
Showed up for the tour and was met by Moses. He had a bull, three sheep, and eight pigeons that he said we’d be ritually sacrificing en route. He spent a long time showing me and my wife his sharp “sacrificing knife.” I was up for it, but my wife was repulsed. We had to rebook wi … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos that followed the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse in … | Continue reading
“Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed a law rolling back requirements that the state verify the ages of workers under 16 and provide them with work certificates permitting them to work.” — NPR - - -Here at GlobeCorp, one of our core values is “evolving to better serve a ch … | Continue reading
They say that the only certainties in life are death and taxes. But that night, as I sat around the seder table—single, thirty, and once again eating a dinner of crackers and four glasses of wine—I started to think that maybe the biggest inevitability is monotony. I couldn’t help … | Continue reading
EXODUS: THE IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE is an interactive exhibit that allows you to experience the story of Exodus like NEVER BEFORE because you NEVER PAID ATTENTION to all those seders your parents forced you to sit through while Jacob Feldstein dropped GEFILTE FISH down the BACK OF Y … | Continue reading
Are you there God? It’s me, Moses. We’re fleeing Egypt today. I’m so scared, God. I’ve never lived anywhere but here. Well, except for when I ran to Midian after killing that guy. But the desert? Suppose I can’t stand the heat? What if all the Israelites hate me? Please help me, … | Continue reading
- - -Hearts and Haggadahs When a fire in Annabel’s glamorous city highrise destroys her family collection of Maxwell House Haggadahs, she sets out to find a suitable replacement. Her search brings her to the small-town coffee shop Get Thee to a Beannery run by Saul, a grump with … | Continue reading
“The celebration of LSU’s first-ever national championship is being met with unfair criticism of Angel Reese, one of the team’s star players… Reese first waved her hand in front of [Caitlin Clark, the Iowa Hawkeye’s leading scorer]…. then pointed to her ring finger… Sports and po … | Continue reading
Roger Reeves is an ecstatic poet, a poet of suffering transmuted into higher-order sound. Best Barbarian has the structure of a jazz number. The melody is the first twenty poems—starting with a whirling riff on Grendel and James Baldwin—then “Children Listen,” “Sovereign Silence, … | Continue reading
A small, red train packed with toys for the children of a nearby village sat stranded at the base of a steep hill. “Look!” shouted a toy clown, which wasn’t considered creepy within the context of the time period. The other toys hurried their heads out the windows of the red, mar … | Continue reading
“Many of the former President’s fellow Republicans have quickly come to [Trump’s] defense, expressing varying levels of dismay at the indictment, with some even vowing to take official countermeasures however they can.” — TIME - - -Great. Just great. We’ve gone and set a big old … | Continue reading
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Here at Deena’s Donut Holes, we’re passionate about making our donut holes perfect for you and your family, and we’ve been listening to what you have to say. You asked for donut holes earlier, and we extended our hours. You asked for our donut holes to be bigger, and we added 27 … | Continue reading
Donald Trump has been indicted for allegedly paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels just before the 2016 presidential election. To test your knowledge of the case, see if you can guess which sordid details are true and which ones are made up. 1. What happened in 2006? A. D … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT A border control station between Haiti and the Dominican Republic. - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos th … | Continue reading
22. Goodnight nobody (Page 19) A clear indication that the well was running dry, this page was for nobody. Simply featuring the words “Goodnight nobody” and accompanied by no illustration, I’d be astonished if there were any Moonheads among us who defend it. There is no place els … | Continue reading
1. Flowers. Just a shit ton of flowers. Preferably exotic-looking ones like orchids, not pedestrian flowers like daisies—that would be confusing. 2. Chopsticks displayed in an artful (and respectful) way. Rice isn’t necessary, but it doesn’t hurt. Mind you, this works even when t … | Continue reading
“Twitter users will need a ‘verified account’ to get recommended on the platform’s For You page starting on April 15th, according to a Monday evening tweet from CEO Elon Musk. Given that Twitter has promised to start dismantling the ‘legacy’ verified system at the beginning of Ap … | Continue reading
In her eleventh book of poetry, Brenda Hillman has given us an expansive lyric—I want to say epic—of our times. The result: gorgeous and subtle, and the work of a poet at the height of her powers. In a Few Minutes Before Later is part of a sequence of books by the poet that take … | Continue reading
“When a champion is crowned at the end of the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament, it doesn’t feel official until their highlights are accompanied by ‘One Shining Moment,’ a song that has become synonymous with March Madness.” — The Sporting News - - -Player on team that … | Continue reading
David Brooks Though you live in Connecticut, you consider yourself a great admirer and friend of those who live in the Heartland, because every summer you eat at least one ear of corn. You claim to love listening to baseball on the radio, but you haven’t done so in years. Paul Kr … | Continue reading
“France is protesting against Emmanuel Macron’s plans to raise the retirement age. After months of strikes and protests, tension reached its peak on Thursday, with some violent outbursts in Paris that brought back memories from the months-long Yellow Jacket movement.” —Politico - … | Continue reading
“A divided House on Friday approved legislation that would mandate that schools make library catalogs and curriculums public, and that they obtain parental consent before honoring a student’s request to change their gender-identifying pronouns, part of a Republican effort to wrin … | Continue reading
Change the name from TikTok to “Student Loan Debt” Become a series of collapsing bridges Turn into the Section 8 housing waitlist Enroll in a Title 1 school Get into the predatory lending business Become an ectopic pregnancy in Texas Buy up houses and then let them sit vacant in … | Continue reading
You’re none of them. Why did you click this link? You already knew that. You know who you are, and it’s not one of the fictional characters on HBO’s drama sensation Succession. You still are who you have always been and who you will forever remain: you. For better or for worse. B … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT Still from a video by rapper Izo, leader of 5 Segonn, a well-known gang in Port-Au-Prince. - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through Decemb … | Continue reading
Josh, I can’t believe that our big day is finally here. Today, I’m the luckiest woman in the world, because I get to marry you, Josh, my best friend. To be clear, the five women to my left aren’t my best friends. Even though they’ve spent a cumulative total of sixty-seven years s … | Continue reading
Capricorn Spring has sprung, and flowers are blooming. In fact, everyone everywhere is blooming except for you, dear Capricorn. Dry, parched days lay ahead, so this month is the perfect time to join a local knitting circle or Wiccan cooking class. Or any other group that would ne … | Continue reading
With apologies to the great Tracy Chapman. - - -This car is your ticket to anywhere. Just cruising in it feels like you’re entertaining yourself. It speeds so fast it feels like you’re drunk. Which, let’s be honest, is not recommended. I don’t want to feel like I’m drunk or buzze … | Continue reading
Moms have had their share of parenting fails, mostly tied to holidays. What parent hasn’t looked under couch cushions for Tooth Fairy money or made a mess on behalf of an Elf on the Shelf? This year it’s time to file a complaint with the Childhood Mythical Character Department. A … | Continue reading
I’ve completely cut out gluten and dairy at this point except for when I eat it, which is often. It wasn’t even that hard to eliminate, and I’d say the trick is still eating it daily. I’ve become way more mindful of what I’m putting into my body now, which is tons of gluten and d … | Continue reading
You are teaching nine sections of comp classes at four universities, have no health insurance or retirement savings, and barely make ends meet. What happens if conditions suddenly become even more unstable? Enrollment dips, a department merges, or your tiny liberal arts college g … | Continue reading
The latest over-the-air software update for your Tesla Model 3 has been successfully installed. Your vehicle is now a toaster. Frequently Asked Questions About This Update Where is my steering wheel? You don’t need a steering wheel anymore. Your car is now a toaster. Toasters do … | Continue reading
Dear Miss Heather, We’re writing to get a little more clarity about Robbie’s job as Snack Helper last week, why he was so quickly replaced (especially without a proper review), and the procedure for him to file a grievance (Robbie said there was no relevant paperwork in the Block … | Continue reading
“As local bills on gender, sexuality, and diversity make their way through Florida’s state legislature, new legislation would ban any discussion of menstrual cycles in school before sixth grade.” – USA Today - - -As usual, the woke mob is accusing me of attempting to strip school … | Continue reading
An Eros Encyclopedia by Rachel James sometimes feels like an autobiography of an eros. Sometimes it feels like a set of dream reports or a chorus of voices or a set of transmissions from a lost diary somewhere on earth. There are snippets from a play, too—voices in a psychedelic … | Continue reading
Some people want a life partner who’s the perfect adult: always on top of the lawn care, the taxes, and who to vote for in the next municipal election. Me, personally? All I want is a lover who makes every moment fun and hilarious. That’s why my dating app bio says, “Please don’t … | Continue reading
“During an interview on The Hill’s online program ‘Rising,’ conservative author Bethany Mandel was stumped when co-host Briahna Joy Gray pressed her to give a definition of the word ‘woke,’ which has been used incessantly by the right to criticize all things vaguely liberal.” — T … | Continue reading
This Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s important to remember that my culture is not your costume; it’s my costume. Before you put on your SHENANIGANS shirt and plastic shot-glass necklace, ask yourself: Are you mindful of their cultural roots? Are you honoring my ancestors who invented t … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - -So this one day, Raven-Floki woke up at home in fuckin’ Nahway n’ he was like, “Shit, I need tah go n’ find that new island that that Gardar guy was talkin’ ’bout ’cause it sounds fuckin’ sweet!” N’ this is on accoun’ah the fact that Gardar’d been blowin’ s … | Continue reading
I used to be like everyone else, hunched over a tiny screen, watching seventeen-year-olds give each other psychiatric diagnoses on TikTok. Then I misplaced my smartphone after the doorbell rang while I was playing Wordle on the toilet. Now I’m a mindfulness expert. It all started … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos that followed the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse in … | Continue reading
Studies have found that alphabet books are helpful and fun tools to promote literacy and teach life lessons to children. But studies also show that kids’ lives are ridiculously easy. They don’t have to pay rent or run errands or wonder whether it’s time to start thinking about fr … | Continue reading
[The Roman Senate is gathered at the Curia Pompeia, the senate house of the Roman Republic. The Roman general MARK ANTONY addresses the group.] MARK ANTONY: Friends, Romans, co-workers, lend me your ears! It is once again time to enter the senate office pool for the annual Tourna … | Continue reading