[The Roman Senate is gathered at the Curia Pompeia, the senate house of the Roman Republic. The Roman general MARK ANTONY addresses the group.] MARK ANTONY: Friends, Romans, co-workers, lend me your ears! It is once again time to enter the senate office pool for the annual Tourna … | Continue reading
Look, I’m not like other tenants. People often ask, how am I still renting? They don’t understand that not everyone needs a house to be satisfied. Some people prefer to rent apartments. Like me. It’s not that I find ownership intimidating or am afraid of commitment; I just haven’ … | Continue reading
“Regulators shut down Silicon Valley Bank on Friday, in the largest U.S. bank failure since the 2008 financial crisis.” — The New York Times, 3/13/23 - - -Look, I get it, I’m a bank, and with that comes certain expectations. That I’m good with money. That I’ll protect your money. … | Continue reading
It can be challenging to raise children with someone who insists you have no role in raising children. Yes, those children are your siblings, and you yourself are a child, and your co-parent is someone who has successfully cleaned your butt on several occasions. But your siblings … | Continue reading
Dan Pasternack grew up in Los Angeles in the 1970s and ’80s, voraciously consuming Looney Tunes cartoons, Marx Brothers’ movies, old-time radio shows, the Dr. Demento radio show, and stand-up comedians on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He went on to become a stand-up comic … | Continue reading
First Circle: Limbo Midway on our journey in life, we find ourselves in a dark kitchen, surrounded by oak cabinets and laminate flooring, our savings account wholly lost. Welcome to reno limbo, a place where nothing happens, as the good crews are booked for several centuries. In … | Continue reading
Careers stall due to laziness, a lack of new job skills, or a refusal to remove that therapy mushroom farm you’ve been growing at your desk. Working harder or going back to school are fine for people with grit or wealthy parents. But this odd obsession with fungi has become a met … | Continue reading
Joel is driving along a deserted highway. Ellie is in the passenger seat drinking a Diet Snapple. JOEL: We stay on this road and we’ll reach our destination by nightfall. ELLIE: All right, cool, cool. But we’re going to stop at rest stops along the way, right? JOEL: No, too dange … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT - - - Jean conducts an interview for Lavil. - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos that followed the assassi … | Continue reading
Below, please find the definitive right-of-way regulations for New York City’s bike lanes. Any lower-ranked item must yield to any higher-ranked item. 1. Marked NYPD vehicles 2. Unmarked NYPD vehicles 3. Vehicles with a Thin Blue Line flag bumper sticker 4. A dumpster with the Pu … | Continue reading
Greeting Cards for Newly Tenured Professors | Continue reading
Dear March, Listen, I get that you, like all aging singles on OkCupid, have commitment issues. But I’m gonna need you to get some help. Go to therapy like the rest of us. Dig into your childhood issues. Journal. Join July as he works through his insistence on being a wet blanket … | Continue reading
Polish people don’t eat white bread. That’s for Americans. We only eat rye—Polish rye. But not this week. This week there was a Polish problem. The deli ran out of the rye that Mom and I usually get. When we walked in and heard the news, Mom reacted as if she’d just witnessed a d … | Continue reading
Based on current celebrity beauty standards, the goals are clear: you need to look like you’re in your twenties until you’re thirty-five, then look thirty-five until you’re dead. Also, regardless of age or retirement eligibility, all women should have supple, lineless skin with n … | Continue reading
“I’m Fine” Of course, I’m not fine. I am sick of asking you. Load the dishwasher. - - -“You Look Tired Today” Okay, it’s my turn. You look tired today, David. How does it feel now? - - - “I Can’t Find It” Did you look for it? Did you really look for it? Did you even try? - - -“I … | Continue reading
I. You enter a tavern. The crackling hearth warms your bones after trudging for weeks through the wet and windy mountains of Avanste. The place is a little run-down, but it was either here or the village Applebees, and you’re not in the mood for a Captain Bahama Mama. “Two meads, … | Continue reading
Maggie Millner’s debut, Couplets, is a novel in couplets, but also a lyric in lithe but taut paired lines. Better maybe to say that it gestures at the novel, particularly the great love stories—and misadventures—of the nineteenth-century novel. It’s not so much a narrative as the … | Continue reading
Listen up, brother. I am here to tell you what real men already know: a REAL man can only reach peak masculinity when he’s gape-mouthed—his dental amalgam straight-up gleaming—ripping yawns like a legend. Don’t believe me? Have you ever seen anything as majestic as a fully grown … | Continue reading
“Live Free or Die.” Since 1945, I’ve been the Granite State’s official motto. I’m rugged. Independent. I don’t bend to authority. Naturally, New Hampshire residents look to me for guidance. And to be sure, many who draw inspiration from my words live long, liberated lives. But so … | Continue reading
“Michael Knowles—right-wing political commentator associated with the Daily Wire—said ‘for the good of society… transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely’ at the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday afternoon.” – The Daily Beast, 3/5/23 - - -I, Jay … | Continue reading
I’ve done it. After years of biohacking and tweaking, I have become… optimal. Body fat percentage, optimal. Triglycerides, optimal. Dietary fiber, weekly activity levels, resting heart rate, 365-day meditation app streak, all optimal. Now I can spend the next one hundred years st … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT - - - Jean’s son Diego shows his schoolwork in the Dominican Republic. - - -Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chao … | Continue reading
Don’t make people take their shoes off when boarding your yacht. You should not be using teak without providing boat shoes anyway. You don’t have to go to all of your friends’ galas. Just be sure to send a check for the cost of your plate if your RSVP is a no. Always split the bi … | Continue reading
Yeah, I finished the draft a few weeks ago. I’ve sent it out to a few agents so far. No bites yet, but I’m still hopeful! What’s it about? Oh, right, that’s a very reasonable and understandable question to ask a friend who just finished writing a book. And since I guess my ideal … | Continue reading
DESIGNER HILARY: So tell me about your house. HOMEOWNER AVERY: It’s in a beautiful neighborhood, not far from a Starbucks. It has a charming llama habitat, and I love the wood built-ins in the dining room. HOMEOWNER TRENT: There’s only one bathroom though. It’s accessible by shim … | Continue reading
“The Supreme Court’s conservative majority seemed deeply skeptical on Tuesday of the legality of the Biden administration’s plan to wipe out more than $400 billion in student debt, heightening the prospect that the justices would thwart efforts to forgive the loans of tens of mil … | Continue reading
“The 15-minute city principle suggests you should have your daily needs—work, food, healthcare, education, culture, and leisure—within a 15-minute walk or bike ride from where you live. It sounds pleasant enough, but in the minds of libertarian fanatics and the bedroom commentato … | Continue reading
“Hundreds of newspapers across the country will stop running the ‘Dilbert’ comic strip after its creator said on a YouTube livestream that Black people were ‘a hate group’ and that white people should ‘just get the hell away’ from them.” — New York Times - - -At Soldier of Fortun … | Continue reading
My first strike when writing while Black was starting this piece at the end of Black History Month. After February, the next time Black narratives get highlighted is Juneteenth, per the diversity and inclusion report. Unless, of course, a spontaneous movement for social justice o … | Continue reading
These bananas are perfect for making banana bread, so I will toss them in the freezer for a few months until I’m ready to pull them out and throw them straight into the trash can. In the meantime, they’ll take up a bunch of space, and I’ll look at them and think, These stupid ban … | Continue reading
My time is very important, and therefore when I am choosing a TV show to watch, I need to know that it will make me feel more depressed than I have ever been. In fact, I want it to make me feel so bad that I see hell itself. Prestige TV shows are my unique way of momentarily esca … | Continue reading
If you give a bear cocaine, he’s going to ask for more cocaine. When you give him the cocaine, he’ll probably ask you for a vodka chaser. When he’s finished, he’ll ask you if you’ve ever thought about honey, like really thought about how great it is, how it’s all-natural and tota … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT A protest against kidnappings in Port-au-Prince. Photo by Jean. Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos that follo … | Continue reading
Gerk Jervis Gerk Jervis was the mascot of Pancake Tramp locations across America. An animated chef with one eye, he shook when he wasn’t drinking and made a deep moan or growl when the food he was having made him happy. Gerk was always happy at Pancake Tramp. - - - Carl Drip Carl … | Continue reading
Hello, it’s me, your selectively friendly neighborhood preteen, here to solicit some soft-earned pocket money. I’m either Jaden, Jalen, or Jason. You’re pretty sure it’s one of those three names, though probably not the last one because that name feels too 1980s for a kid these d … | Continue reading
Urgent, descriptive, plainspoken, hard-edged—a glasswork of facts—the poetry of John Freeman seems to come from a place of intense inner weather, and his latest book, Wind, Trees, is a gust from that interior world, which is a version of your world or mine. I mean to say his styl … | Continue reading
1. “Let me bring you some lunch!” 2. “Late-stage capitalism is really hard.” 3. “Let me help bandage them up (practical support).” 4. “Want to meet up at the park tomorrow?” 5. “Let’s join the campaign to shorten the work week while retaining a living wage.” 6. “They are really c … | Continue reading
When I bought a house last year, it came with many new responsibilities. Suddenly, I was the one who had to change the furnace filters, call the exterminator, and repeatedly suggest to my neighbor that her big tree might be dead. But the biggest change of all was “escrow,” a word … | Continue reading
How am I? Yeah, I’m fine. Just keeping busy slaying demons, deciphering ancient prophecies about how to defeat the Dark Lord, and trying to keep my on-again-off-again relationship alive with the blacksmith’s daughter. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m exhausted from battli … | Continue reading
“…It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…” — Teddy Roosevelt from his speech, Citizenship in a Republic - - -This ha … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT Jean Marseille recorded these dispatches on his phone while surviving on the streets of Port-au-Prince, Haiti, from October through December 2022. As the chaos that followed the assassination of Haitian president Jovenel Moïse in July … | Continue reading
My Favorite Pair of Granny Panties: Vacation is all about being comfortable, and nothing says comfort like my 100 percent cotton, salmon-pink granny panties. A Thong: But vacation is also about being sexy and adventurous. I’ll wear these under my leggings or—ooh!—a silk skirt (wh … | Continue reading
You’ve been on the lookout for a cardigan in a color that’s less edgy than “fawn” or “heather oatmeal.” You recently traded your favorite slingbacks for a pair of Dansko clogs recommended by your podiatrist. You have a podiatrist. Invisibility seemed like a really cool superpower … | Continue reading
Dear Administrator of the Moms Group in Our Upper-Middle-Class Town, I know I don’t fit all of your qualifications. Namely, the mom part. However, I implore you to overlook the minor issue of my gender and peer into my soul. My exhausted, unappreciated, and lonesome stay-at-home … | Continue reading
I bet you could use a creative way to increase your income by a mere 10 to 30 percent to get through this inflation-wrecked year. Maybe you need some extra dough for that ever-growing percentage of your finances going toward keeping a roof over your head. Or perhaps you need to b … | Continue reading
Maya C. Popa’s Wound Is the Origin of Wonder is a radiant fabric of images and meditations, fragments of stories, bits of music that go together with a grace and lyricism that belie the ruptures and leaps between the lines. This is a haunted book. The poems of a wanderer and a wo … | Continue reading
Good morrow, sir! Is this here yer ship? She’s lovely, she is. Oh cripes, but where are my manners? Matron would lock me in a dark room for a week, she would. Begging your pardon. They call me Alfred Poorboy, same as everyone in the orphanage, save for Alfred Oneleg and Alfred Wa … | Continue reading
There are a lot of things you should be afraid of—vaccines, chemtrails spreading airborne vaccines, malfunctioning Katy Perrybots—but there’s no need to be scared of using a semicolon (unless you’re using one in a 5G text—then you might as well just give yourself COVID). To show … | Continue reading