As a child, I saw love everywhere, and it became my calling to play matchmaker to my toy bin. Barbie paired up with my brother’s Luke Skywalker doll (which he insisted was an “action figure”). This romance persisted despite my being schooled on how a Jedi renounces personal attac … | Continue reading
Amid doomsaying pronouncements that the publishing industry is dead, we are proud to bring the written word into the future with revolutionary technology that delivers the one thing readers are most passionate about: efficiency. The purpose of writing is to take up space, and thi … | Continue reading
I SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH UNLESS YOU ANSWER NO TO BEING MY VALENTINE I WOULD STEAL MEMES 4 U LET ME ACQUIRE YOUR LOVE AND THEN DECLARE MYSELF THE FOUNDER [FUNNY FAMILY GUY REFERENCE] ERROR 404: EMOTIONS NOT FOUND OURS IS THE ONLY UNION I DON’T WANT TO BUST PICKLE RICK LOL THESE … | Continue reading
Dear Employees, We are pleased to officially roll out the company’s new health benefits. Supermarket Cake is an innovative insurance option that allows you to skip tedious, traditional healthcare procedures such as “seeing a doctor,” “making a lifestyle change,” and “surgery” to … | Continue reading
EDITED BY PETER ORNER AND LAURA LAMPTON SCOTT Jean Marseille: An Introduction Jean Marseille was born in the Bahamas to Haitian parents during what his mother and father thought was only a brief stop. This was in 1970, during the waning days of Papa Doc Duvalier’s dictatorship. L … | Continue reading
Denial The first stage of grief is denial that calories still exist while you are grieving. Either you will have no appetite, or you will eat junk. You will want to eat fried potatoes in some form almost every day. You will eat all the food that your wonderful friends bring you. … | Continue reading
Daring leadership is what makes or breaks organizations. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen, which is why I’m bringing my whole self into this meeting. Let me put down my shield and reveal my truth before we dive into today’s Brené Brown lunch-and-learn. … | Continue reading
It has come to my attention that several men have complained about my inappropriate behavior over the past twenty years. I want everyone to know that I’m listening, I’m learning, and, most importantly, I’m trying to figure out how never to be publicly criticized again, because it … | Continue reading
“The House on Thursday approved a resolution denouncing socialism in a bipartisan vote that fractured the Democratic caucus.” — The Hill, 2/2/23 “US military fighter jets shot down the suspected Chinese surveillance balloon over the Atlantic Ocean … the operation ended a remarkab … | Continue reading
Now that Lebron James has become the NBA’s all-time scoring leader, the debate about who is the greatest NBA player ever has heated up again. Today, we try to settle the debate that has plagued sports talk shows, message boards, and Twitter threads for years. Decision-Making/Clut … | Continue reading
“The new Republican governor of Arkansas, Sarah Sanders, said the move to ban critical race theory in public schools in her state was a preventative measure… ‘Our teachers absolutely need to teach our history,’ Sanders said, ‘but they shouldn’t teach our kids and our students ide … | Continue reading
If writers write about what puzzles them, Ross Gay is puzzled by joy. His oeuvre is a gorgeous, open-hearted, lyrical response to that puzzlement. Joy, by the way, that’s always in the context of suffering, in the context of pain. His style is a kind of restless exuberant unfoldi … | Continue reading
TO: Household members FROM: Human Resources/Leadership SUBJECT: Dinner Policy Changes The Human Resources/Leadership committee has enacted a new one-bite rule. All household members with 4+ years experience are now required to take one bite of the prepared meal at the dinner tabl … | Continue reading
“Prices at the grocery store have risen for many foods, but the cost of eggs climbed the most in the last year and consumers have scrambled to keep up.” – PBS - - - Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Big Shot eating an egg for breakfast. You do understand people are suffering, rig … | Continue reading
Business Vulnerable Beach Tragedy Garden Party Murder Mystery Fish Tank Chic Mocktail Attire Whimsical Police Auction Semicolon Formal Traffic Court Casual Last Dinner as a Family Before You Announce Divorce at Dessert Destination (Final) Disney Adult Eighth Grade Semi-Formal Rae … | Continue reading
“The United States has detected what it says is a Chinese surveillance balloon that has been hovering over the northwestern United States.” — New York Times, 2/3/23 - - -For more than sixty years after I floated away over the grey Paris cityscape, dangling from a cluster of ballo … | Continue reading
“The official curriculum for the [AP African-American Studies] course, released Wednesday by the College Board, downplays some components that had drawn criticism from DeSantis and other conservatives. Topics including Black Lives Matter, slavery reparations, and queer life are n … | Continue reading
A: I don’t even have cable anymore. B: Well, listen, good for you. I personally haven’t even owned a TV since 2008, but nevertheless, I am happy for you. A: Did I say “anymore”? Because, in fact, I’ve never owned a TV. I am only vaguely aware of what a TV looks like. One time I j … | Continue reading
1. You’ve invested an enormous amount of time and energy, and you still have no idea what is happening. 2. Everybody you meet speaks in half riddles. 3. Hours spent completing a task are rewarded with meaningless feedback and unhelpful awards. 4. No matter how much you accomplish … | Continue reading
“Marie Kondo admits she has ‘kind of given up’ on extreme tidiness, [and] says her house ‘is messy’ … The organization guru, who popularized decluttering as a means to ‘spark joy,’ has changed her ways after welcoming her third child.” — People.com - - -I begin my course with the … | Continue reading
Woefully underpaid because of inflation vs. Makes 25 percent more because of inflation. Five years experience at the company with an intimate knowledge of the department vs. Wants to shake up the status quo without understanding the company or what anyone actually does yet. Data … | Continue reading
Smile? Of course I know how to smile. Smiling is a basic facial expression that normal human beings make dozens of times a day without even thinking about it. And I’m definitely a normal human being who smiles on a regular basis. Oh, you mean smile right now? For the camera? Uh, … | Continue reading
Hello, Birth 101 class staff — My wife and I attended your screening of Birthing Video last night, and I have some notes. Protagonist I hate to say it, but your female lead just isn’t likable. For the film to work, we have to want to root for the main character, but I couldn’t em … | Continue reading
With apologies to Gillian Flynn. And Jim Henson. - - -Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A feat managed by sheer willpower overriding her mammalian biology and also regular ice baths. Cool Pig never gets embarrassed by the w … | Continue reading
The poetry of Alex Dimitrov stays in the present. It’s the essence of contemporary. A living voice, an urbane voice, overstimulated and sweet and stylish and aware. To say it’s talkative is only to highlight the point, and point to its tradition, which is very old, older than the … | Continue reading
Your eyes dance, and you gesture wildly as you tell me and two others about a recent rock climbing trip. Unfortunately, this seems to have all the makings of a multi-minute anecdote. But one thing keeps me from walking away: the opportunity to top your story with one of my own. T … | Continue reading
I want to begin by owning my white male privilege and apologizing to the American public, in particular to the woman who formerly dated my friend Jessie. I’m sorry that I still don’t know your name. I struggled with how to address you and decided on “Woman Who Formerly Dated My F … | Continue reading
Be honest Children are perceptive. Pretending everything is normal and insisting there is only one Blippi when your child can tell there are now two will only serve to confuse and frustrate them. Remind them this isn’t their fault When your child begins to realize that the Blippi … | Continue reading
If only there was not cause, thought the man, for the boy to accompany him here. To this place of commerce. But as the woman reminded him two hours prior, when she dropped off the boy in her Chevy Silverado, it was his weekend. The man grasped the boy’s hand tightly as they made … | Continue reading
Hey. Wake up. It’s me, Peaches, and I just found out about @PeachesTheSausageDoggo on Instagram. And I want my cut. That’s right, I know all about the Chewy.com partner posts and the 365 Days of Peaches calendar. Over 120,000 followers, huh? Looks like you got about twenty grand … | Continue reading
Do you enjoy writing? Do you like the idea of taking the thing you love doing the most in the world and turning it into work? So that your access to food and shelter hinges on your ability to turn a creative outlet into a commercial product? Smart move. It sounds like you’d like … | Continue reading
1. Angel Cake 2. Just Like Heaven 3. Genoise Sponge 4. A Japanese Dream 5. Charlotte Sometimes 6. Charlotte Royale 7. Icing Sugar 8. Mirror Glaze 9. Piggy in the Mirror 10. Cornish Pasties 11. Baked Alaska 12. Fire in Cairo 13. Black Forest Gateau 14. A Forest 15. The Hanging Gar … | Continue reading
“Google announced plans to lay off 12,000 people from its workforce Friday, while Microsoft said Wednesday that it’s letting go of 10,000 employees. Amazon also began a fresh round of job cuts that are expected to eliminate more than 18,000 employees and become the largest workfo … | Continue reading
“[Dylan’s] ‘The Philosophy of Modern Song,’ an entire tome of wild, erratic writing about music that is sure to bedazzle and befuddle.” — Slate - - -Full House This is a show about the hell of modern life. The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV—where did all go? Vanished into … | Continue reading
“[Dylan’s] ‘The Philosophy of Modern Song,’ an entire tome of wild, erratic writing about music that is sure to bedazzle and befuddle.” — Slate - - -Full House This is a show about the hell of modern life. The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV—where did all go? Vanished into … | Continue reading
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team SUBJECT: Apply today! Hi Katherine, As college deadlines roll around, we at Gouldsboro College encourage you to take a chance on our supportive learning community. Since our founding in 1923, Gouldsboro has given scholars from all over the … | Continue reading
Vasectomy: The week before surgery Avoid aspirin products for a minimum of 48 hours prior to your procedure. Make sure you talk to your doctor about any other medications you may be taking. If you wish, you can obtain a prescription for a mild, oral anti-anxiety medication before … | Continue reading
McSweeney’s mourns the passing of Paul La Farge, a brilliant writer, teacher, and scholar. We were lucky to publish an early novel by Paul called The Facts of Winter, and he contributed often to our Quarterly and The Believer. We will be publishing tributes to Paul throughout the … | Continue reading
Our new line of men’s grooming products is cutting edge, down-to-earth, and isn’t sold in colors not already present in a storm cloud—in short, it’s perfect for you: a big, strong man. You know, guy’s guys. Outdoorsy types. Grill masters. Flannel wearers. We make our products for … | Continue reading
1. Seems like a fish out of water at first, but swims just fine. 2. Wears the same clothes no matter what the profession. 3. Maintains exactly the same expression no matter how wild things get. 4. Doesn’t speak the language, but finds suitable underlings that do. 5. Expects peopl … | Continue reading
Once upon a midday dreary, while I scrolled on, bummed and teary, Over many a short and spurious video of current cultural lore— While I blinked on, nearly napping, suddenly there came a trapping, In the form of someone boldly capping, capping on my #fyp tour. “’Tis some new #tik … | Continue reading
Now that the season of good cheer is behind us, I feel I can bring up a serious and painful issue that unfortunately became a reality for me this year during Christmas. I received whiskey stones. Whiskey stones affect a huge percentage of men and, to a lesser extent, women every … | Continue reading
Let’s be honest; we’ve been growing apart for a while now. I first noticed it three months ago, right around the time I started listening to five hours of science-based, life-optimizing podcasts per day, and you kept on being a normal person. In that time, I’ve implemented a seri … | Continue reading
This Afterlife is A. E. Stallings’s new Selected Poems, drawing on her four full-length books, and including a “lagniappe” or bonus of previously uncollected poems and translations. Stallings, a poet who was raised in the suburbs of Atlanta, has made Athens, Greece, her home for … | Continue reading
1. Snide comment. 2. Snidier comment about other’s political party affiliation. 3. Snidiest comment unwittingly based on an Instagram meme about a certain political party. 4. Retort based unwittingly on another Facebook meme created as a response to the first. 5. Sweeping unassai … | Continue reading
Nominally a one-player game, Common App quickly becomes a family endeavor involving one or all parents and unhelpful commentary from siblings, aunts, uncles, work colleagues, and, especially, in-laws. Affluent families may also hire a professional consultant who is, unfortunately … | Continue reading
Have you considered that I prefer them warm? Have you considered that I don’t need to because it’s cold enough in my frigid, dead, frigid uterus? Have you considered that I plan to have kids the old-fashioned way—with a broken condom and a man who seems “good enough”? Have you co … | Continue reading
A thirty-seven-year-old woman She’s old enough to be president but keeping it tight enough to be a president’s fifth wife. It may be genetics, or it may be expensive products, an exhaustively fitness-focused lifestyle, and a potent combination of Botox, fillers, and laser skin tr … | Continue reading