1. Unethical Non-Monogamy (cheating) 2. Ethical Monogamy (both partners constantly trying to solve the trolley problem) 3. Unethical Monogamy (when you keep a man locked in your basement) 4. Ethical Lawn Monotony (a cul-de-sac in a leafy township) 5. Oedipal Mom Monogamy (when yo … | Continue reading
First Submission Reviewer #1 I enjoyed reading your article “Man, Superman, Super Mario,” a Nietzschean study of the early Mario Brothers games. I found myself especially compelled by your argument that the raccoon suit represents the Übermensch form of the Mario character. Howev … | Continue reading
It’s Monday night, and in typical Monday fashion, there is nothing exciting to do. I check my wallet: my driver’s license is expired, so bars are out of the question, bus pass, my dental insurance card—I suppose a teeth whitening wouldn’t be the worst use of my time. Then I see m … | Continue reading
Excuse me, car salesman? I have an insecurity about my body that I hope to solve by purchasing a flashy vehicle. I know I should love and accept myself the way I am, and I honestly do try to embrace body positivity. In my heart, I know that it’s what’s on the inside of a person t … | Continue reading
When Elon Musk suggested that he would step down as CEO of Twitter due to widespread dissatisfaction with his leadership within and outside the company, many hoped for a seasoned executive to replace him to steady the ship. Now, due to a series of tweets from Mr. Musk that includ … | Continue reading
Team, We are fighting a war against TikTok and Netflix. Candidly—and this doesn’t leave the building—MTV is not currently winning that war. I believe there’s still a path to victory, but we need to honestly assess our situation before we can confidently chart a course forward. At … | Continue reading
Life’s been pretty tough for me lately. Not tough in the sense of any devastating financial hardship, or dire medical diagnosis, or profound loss, but tough in, like, that vague ennui where you’re slumped on your couch on a Tuesday evening in your perfectly nice apartment and thi … | Continue reading
Yona Harvey is a poet of the speculative, a poet of other worlds—other words—that turns out to be our worlds and words. Her first full-length collection of poems was Hemming the Water, which won the Kate Tufts in 2013, and her second was You Don’t Have to Go to Mars for Love whic … | Continue reading
Friends, administrative coordinators, benefits-eligible staff: lend me your ears. There comes a time in every hero’s journey when they must face their worst fear. I sought an office job, and the gods granted my wish. But this wish came with a cursed stipulation. My new employer c … | Continue reading
You there! Help me, please! I just wanted to learn about strength training on the internet, and now I’m pretty sure I’m in some kind of neo-fascist radicalization pipeline. It started with an innocent New Year’s resolution to start doing some resistance training. After all, exper … | Continue reading
Greetings from the gurney. I’m the woman you’re about to cut open, and I’d like to start by saying that I’m supremely grateful for this scheduled c-section. As I lounge around in your hospital’s finest full-body napkin dress with a peekaboo butt, it’s nice to know that my ten-pou … | Continue reading
Dear Republican Members-Elect of the House of Representatives, Thanks so much for this extension on all the reports I was supposed to prepare for members of the House to start reviewing this week as part of their new committee assignments. I really appreciate it. I was getting su … | Continue reading
When bears are cooped up While flu season is raging Mama must find a way To keep from premature aging The fall started out okay for the Bear family. Papa was back at work making custom-made furniture, and the cubs were back at school full-time. Even though Mama still did all the … | Continue reading
Q: Can we get ice cream? (Age 2) A: Sure, honey! But the word “cream” incorrectly suggests that this is a dairy product. In reality, it’s a congealed mass of artificial gums and pastes that are almost certainly not permitted for human consumption in any other major democracy. Enj … | Continue reading
Republican House Majority BINGO | Continue reading
Here at Time, we find it incredibly important to update you on any changes, updates, irregularities, and goings on. However, the purpose of this particular letter is celebratory. We would like to formally congratulate you on making it to 2023, which will officially be the final y … | Continue reading
Thanks to all our readers, writers, and supporters for sticking with us this year. Bring on 2023! - - -1. A NOTE OF REASSURANCE FROM YOUR SCHOOL DISTRICT REGARDING OUR UPDATED OMICRON POLICIES by Kara Baskin 2. WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SAD DAD BAND SAYS ABOUT YOU by John Moe 3. A PAREN … | Continue reading
Running to the window, Scrooge opened it and cried out to a boy in the street. “What’s to-day!” “To-day!” replied the boy. “Why, Christmas Day.” “It’s Christmas Day!” said Scrooge to himself. “I haven’t missed it. Do you know the poulterer’s, in the next street but one, at the co … | Continue reading
1. You dread going every year. 2. You’re still scarred from the last one. 3. You apply makeup and shave your legs but don’t know why. 4. You wear a flowy too-thin-for-winter top. 5. There’s unflattering lighting, and for some reason, the AC is on. 6. People are definitely staring … | Continue reading
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I know that in a few days many of you expect me to be popping down your chimney, scaling your fire escape, or kicking down your front door, but unfortunately, for the first time ever, I’m sitting Christmas out. Kids, it’s not that you haven’t been goo … | Continue reading
This holiday letter was generated entirely by artificial intelligence, using the ChatGPT language model and the following prompt: “Write a four-paragraph friendly holiday letter from a family of four people: Todd, the father; Lisa, the mom; Zola, a ten-year-old daughter; and Arlo … | Continue reading
Anne is just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world. She drives the Midnight Train, but it doesn’t go anywhere except around her small town, Angel Falls. Unfortunately, since it only runs once a day, it doesn’t make much money. Still, she’s determined to keep the train going … | Continue reading
July 3, 1 BC Dear Joseph of Nazareth, Your booking is confirmed for HILTON GARDEN INN BETHLEHEM. Hotels.com confirmation number: 483949011 Check-in: 25 December 1 BC Check-out: 26 December 1 BC Your Stay: One night, two adults, one child Amount to pay: Five Tyrian shekels — Hotel … | Continue reading
We are pleased to announce the inaugural Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction, in honor of the extraordinary work and life of long-time McSweeney’s author Stephen Dixon. The Stephen Dixon Award for Short Fiction recognizes an emerging fiction writer who is experimenting with for … | Continue reading
Hi, viewers. It’s us, the dead moms from those heartstring-tugging commercials you’ve seen thousands of times on ad-supported Hulu since October 1. While we appreciate that your eyes watered a little while our deaths were used to emotionally manipulate you into buying your Christ … | Continue reading
You better watch out have nothing to fear You better not Of course you can cry! You better not pout let it all out I’m telling you why, honey, you’re free to express your emotions ANY TIME Santa Claus is coming to town, but if this feels like too much, it’s okay if you need some … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - -In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancien … | Continue reading
Red and Green Monday Wear red and green today! This totally voluntary, only-if-you-feel-like-it day celebrates the nations of Bangladesh and Morocco, as well as the Tungurahua administrative region of Ecuador, whose flags are red and green. Dressing your child in red and green wi … | Continue reading
I am disgusted. It appears that Twitter has become a hotbed of hate speech and megalomania—a stark contrast to the welcoming hub of enlightened discourse we’ve known it to be. The veil has been lifted. In the unprecedented fall from grace that shocked us all, Twitter now stands a … | Continue reading
A few days ago, a bill was introduced by Congresswoman Frederica S. Wilson and Congressman Jamaal Bowman called the American Teacher Act. If passed, it would ensure that all teachers in the U.S. would make at least $60,000. I hope you will lend it your support in any way you can. … | Continue reading
1. The titillating keyboard sounds as you type “When is Hanukkah this year?” into Google. 2. The soft silence after someone realizes they just wished a Jewish person Merry Christmas. 3. The flickering flames of candles in the menorah you’ve used twice since your bar mitzvah. 4. T … | Continue reading
A five a.m. flight Is a good way to make sure You’ll be up all night. - - - Security lines Are all three hours. But good news! Your flight is canceled. - - - There is no crying On this side of the moving Walkway. Please step right. - - - “Momentarily” Uttered at this time of year … | Continue reading
In a chateau in LA where the sun always shines Exit twelve little girls in two straight lines. Inside a stretch limousine, ready to mingle Invited to sing some Christmas-time jingles. In two straight lines, in rain or shine The smallest one was Madeline Madeline wasn’t enjoying t … | Continue reading
“Twitter has suspended an account that tracked the location of Elon Musk’s private jet. The suspension comes despite Musk last month tweeting, ‘My commitment to free speech extends even to not banning the account following my plane, even though that is a direct personal safety ri … | Continue reading
Look, you’re old enough to know this now, Brian. Santa Claus is a myth we made up to trick children into being good and not complaining that I spend eighty hours a week working overtime at a law firm and missing all your soccer games. There is no Santa. No flying reindeer, no elv … | Continue reading
Peter Cole has been merging the work of poet and translator for nearly half a century, reminding us that writing is always a translation—of thought, impulse, feeling, memory, image, time. Cole’s poems are philosophical in the sense that they are full of propositions, riddles, twi … | Continue reading
Derrick’s heart stopped when telling his friends it’s not actually pronounced Bar-ce-lona, but Bar-THe-lona, and yes, he’d been there. Miriam slipped in the kitchen and died after “accidentally” leaving her LSAT scores open on the table for her roommates to see. Austin was hit by … | Continue reading
Welcome to Willith and Marrow, your neighborhood’s new charming small business. We sell provisions. We won’t tell you what that means, but we used a wavy, sans-serif font and put our name almost indecipherably small in the top right-hand corner of our storefront window. We hope t … | Continue reading
Cruel Intentions (1999): This is the best movie title of all time. This is what The Godfather should have been called. Election (1999): High school junior Tracy Flick is a more cunning, calculating, and hauntingly authoritative figure than mafia don Vito Corleone. Legally Blonde … | Continue reading
Listen, I have to put my foot down. I can’t do this anymore. Every year we get so overrun by burnt-out single women looking for love during the holidays that it becomes like SantaCon but for white privileged Insta girlies. You all have to stop coming here. I get that you’re confu … | Continue reading
Pardon me, just need a few more buckets of cottage cheese, and I’ll get out of your way. What’s that? This? Oh, just my three-month-old daughter I occasionally strap to my chest while running errands. Yes. Yes, I know. I’m amazing. Nope. Mom stayed home. Probably caring for our o … | Continue reading
1. It feels like you’ve been here way longer than you actually have. 2. You always have a book with you, but you never seem to get around to reading it. 3. It wasn’t easy to secure a spot here, so you’re supposed to feel lucky. 4. They made a big deal greeting you on your first d … | Continue reading
Name: Number of degrees: Current position:Ratings key: 3 – Strong; 2 – Adequate; 1 – Weak; U – Unknown | Continue reading
Company Holiday Party Bingo | Continue reading
If a woman is wearing Doc Martens, she’s liberal. If a man is wearing Doc Martens, he’s conservative. If the man in Doc Martens has a buzzcut, he is very conservative. If someone’s wearing a golf polo anywhere but a golf course, they are conservative. If someone’s wearing a barn … | Continue reading
“‘Goblin mode’ — a slang term referring to ‘a type of behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations’ — has been named Oxford’s 2022 Word of the Year.” — New York Times, 12/5/22 - - -Dear … | Continue reading
A simile is a way of binding the elements of the world together by way of what their difference doesn’t include—by what they share, however unlikely. Sharon Olds is a poet of the simile, and she sees them, if her poetry is a record of her experience, everywhere she looks. It woul … | Continue reading
Truth or Dare If a player chooses “truth,” they must reveal how much money they make. If they choose “dare,” they must hand someone their phone and let them look at every tab they have open on their browser. Never Have I Ever Each player reveals which of their goals from their tw … | Continue reading