Yesterday when Mr. Brookshaw announced that our pandemic-era benefits were coming to an end, I chimed in with, “So long, dental plan!” And while everyone else rolled their eyes or pretended not to hear me, you chuckled and quietly said, “Lisa needs braces.” You were the only one … | Continue reading
George Bailey, distraught, is leaning over the edge of the bridge leading out of Bedford Falls. GEORGE BAILEY: That’s it for me. I don’t have the money to pay back Mr. Potter. My house is falling apart. I have four children. It’s hopeless. CLARENCE: No, it’s not! GEORGE BAILEY: W … | Continue reading
This Lease Agreement, executed on the first day LANDLORD was available after returning from Florida, is by and between LANDLORD and TENANT. LANDLORD hereby rents to TENANT, subject to the following terms and conditions of this Agreement, the premises of Unit 2-A in The Weirdest B … | Continue reading
1. After last year’s big job, you swore you were done. You were hanging it all up and storing that stuff in a closet. Nothing flashy for you. Not anymore. 2. And yet here you are, nursing a headache, listening to a young upstart telling you how this new job could pay off with som … | Continue reading
I’m the first to admit that smartphones have their uses, like swiping a babe on Tinder or calculating a perfect 5 percent tip at a steak house. But you know what I miss? The good old days when we weren’t running around with these little devils in our pockets, hooked up to “the cl … | Continue reading
The rampant anti-Semitism in the news these days has taken a toll on the psyches of Jewish people like me around the country. But on top of that, the high-profile conspiracy-mongering and acts of violence against Jews have made it incredibly tricky to hate any Jew at all, which s … | Continue reading
That’s it, I’ve had enough of this moldy codpiece of a life. My lord can find some other indentured serf to wait on his tables, tend to his livestock, and be strapped to a pole for hours on end for jousting, swordplay, and pillaging practice. I quit! For as long as I can remember … | Continue reading
Hello. I’ve read the pages you sent me. I know all of your hopes and dreams are riding on this, so I’ll get right to it. Here’s how this is going to go down. I will start and end this interaction by smothering you with hyperbolic praise. I will stroke that ego until you are so lu … | Continue reading
It’s hard not to notice I’m the only person with crow’s feet in this American Eagle, but what can I say, I joined their mailing list in the nineties, back when it was actual mail, and they haven’t kicked me off yet. Honestly, I’m not sure if I can wear mom jeans ironically or if … | Continue reading
BREAKING: Aristocrat Marie remembers being “frightened” of sledding, even though her archduke cousin was there for her the whole time. RT IF YOU THINK APRIL IS THE CRUELEST MONTH! - - - BREAKING: You gave too many flowers to the “hyacinth girl,” and now you cannot speak. RT IF YO … | Continue reading
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Nelson, you just dropped some bombs there! I think we need to pause this sing-a-long for a moment and unpack the critical issues you just laid out before us. Am I happy? Wow, what a question. Well, it was more of a conditional, but I am nevertheless forced t … | Continue reading
Dear Sir, You asked for my criticism of your verses, so let me state right off the bat: don’t bust a move, at least until you’re prepared for love’s deeper possibilities—solitude is the most essential quality for the development of an artist. Also, one should not dance at high-cl … | Continue reading
“Elon Musk has announced a general amnesty for suspended Twitter accounts in a move that brought a warning that ‘superspreaders of hate’ will return to the social media platform.” – The Guardian “Joan Didion’s 1967 essay ‘Goodbye to All That’ remains the permanent sunspot obscuri … | Continue reading
Originally published November 23, 2016. - - -This time of year all cabbalists, daemonologists, magicians, and the like share amongst their number one scrap of forbidden knowledge: that soaking a turkey overnight in a solution of salt and water ensures moist results. However, we’v … | Continue reading
Dear reader, Consult the stack of reading material teetering on your nightstand or coffee table, and I hope you’ll find something from McSweeney’s 24-year literary legacy of independent publishing. A novel, an issue of our award-winning McSweeney’s Quarterly, Illustoria, or The B … | Continue reading
In a meritocracy like the United States, fine breeding and birthright may seem like antiquated notions, but for a few storied American surnames (your Vanderbilts, your Buckleys, your Stone Cold Austins), the depth of your family tree’s roots can be a source of great pride and dis … | Continue reading
Rowan Ricardo Phillips doesn’t believe in repetition. Put another way, nothing repeats exactly, it’s not possible, and if it were it would be a kind of death by redundancy, a rending of time—so there are only echoes, reprisals, recurrences, ripostes, and relapses, but nothing eve … | Continue reading
January 23, 1966 Hi Nancy! First of all, GREAT song. Honestly, Lee Hazlewood’s melody and lyrics, your spunky vocal. No wonder it’s such a hit. You deserve it! And as your footwear, I am excited to be a part of the collaboration. I have loved performing with/on you in Vegas and m … | Continue reading
Fitness is rooted in the belief that the individual, when freed from tyranny, can push themselves to achieve optimal conditioning. By walking through the doors of Fountainhead Jiu-Jitsu, you will find the physical and mental clarity to reach your full potential. So stretch out yo … | Continue reading
Dear Nurses, You’ve had my child in the pediatric ICU for a week now. This means you’ve had me and, by extension, my eccentric husband, who rolled into the hospital with two travel bidets and a cutting board, upon which he is currently threatening to carve an entire rotisserie ch … | Continue reading
So you were admiring a taupe-colored sweater when you noticed your ex and his new girlfriend walking into the store. Here’s how to react. Scan the area and look for cover. Wonder if it’s possible to hide in a clothing store that looks like the minimalist love child of a Danish ar … | Continue reading
Suck it, pants. I don’t care that it’s snowing; I refuse to wear anything but basketball shorts. I’m growing these ALMOST MAN LEGS and am workshopping MY NEWLY HAIRY CALVES to the world. Check out how dry my skin looks. It’s because my body is telling me that I’m suffering and ne … | Continue reading
- - -When it comes to grief, there’s no room for second best. Sure, there are other guidebooks aimed at helping you cope with the emotional and practical challenges of losing a loved one. None, however, have been written by a comedy writer whose “therapeutic training” went no fur … | Continue reading
Bono’s new book, Surrender, is a memoir in forty reflections, each taking its name from a different U2 song. - - -Chapter 31: Vertigo Ah, yes: the “catorce” song. Let me kick this reflection off by getting something out of the way: You ungrateful pieces of shit. You just couldn’t … | Continue reading
Whoa, a chicken salad that has it all? Crazy! I bet it never even occurred to you that anyone might need or expect their chicken salad to have it all. Well, I am here to tell you that “it all” is what this chicken salad has. Take a look at the list of things had by this chicken s … | Continue reading
“Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running again for president in 2024.” — NPR - - - “Tonight’s very special occasion is at … | Continue reading
When I showed Sandeep Parmar’s poems to a poet friend in the USA recently, he was stunned: “How come I didn’t know this amazing author of three books?” he asked. Indeed. In this time of pandemic when so few books from abroad are available in America, it is easy to miss an importa … | Continue reading
I: The Suwannee Gold Florida Man Steals Gold from Skinny-Dipping Sisters After Being Told to Drown Himself Florida Man Attempts to Pay for Construction with His Own Daughter Despite Being Wealthy Lawmaker Florida Man Kidnapped After Bizarre “Shapeshifting Contest” Gets Violent Fl … | Continue reading
This is an excerpt from the author’s funny new collection, which you can buy here. - - -You’ve probably all noticed that I recently switched up my personal style. That’s right, I’m wearing tunics now. That’s what this gorgeous piece of fabric draping my body is called. A tunic. I … | Continue reading
1. Send your carefully crafted, pithy observation to the group text instead. Twenty minutes later, receive one “haha” from a high school friend. 2. Post your joke on Facebook. Attach a photo of a small child for the algorithm. Make your post invisible to your grandparents and you … | Continue reading
In these uncertain times, with soaring inflation, emerging and not-so-emerging global health crises, and increasing food insecurity, you are looking to global institutions such as ours to provide strong leadership and guidance. We would like to assure you that we take these conce … | Continue reading
Do you feel that chill in the air? Do you see those leaves gently gliding down from their branches to pile up and decompose together? Do you hear that bubbling sound of some amalgam of vegetables, meat, and broth simmering together? That’s right, it’s Soup Season, and I won’t let … | Continue reading
I knew Gatsby was agitated about something when he sent workmen to my place to re-gravel my driveway and thatch the roof of my hovel. Then he appeared himself a day later in a dove-gray linen suit, a mauve silk shirt, and a dark silver metallic tie that said DUAL MOTOR in tiny pe … | Continue reading
Come one, come all! Behold the hitherto-unseen fast-acting powers of Mr. Musk’s Cure-All Company Elixir. His is the one and only medicinal prescription sure to rid your business of any and all ailments, like profitability and popularity! Must be seen to be believed, and must be b … | Continue reading
Hi there, it’s me, your longtime friend whose body has been impossibly well-toned for as long as you’ve known me. At fifty-two, I still look spectacular in just about any piece of clothing I put on, but holy moly, no, I don’t, because I feel so incredibly fat! I’ve been saying th … | Continue reading
I get up at 4:30 a.m. for some pre-dawn food prep. Today, it’s my turn to bring a snack and read a story for my son Ash’s preschool class. The school does not allow nuts, dairy, eggs, sugar, or any pro-oxidant fruit. My snack will be simultaneously nutritious, allergen-free, and … | Continue reading
The Rupture Tense by Jenny Xie is a clinic, a schooling, in poetry as excavation. Xie’s poems probe the haze of memory, the sound of silence, the immensity of what got ground-under by the “velocity of so many decades” and—more exactly—the Cultural Revolution in China. “Intergener … | Continue reading
NORMAN BATES: Mother, I’m leaving Twitter. NORMAN’S MOM: (sighs) And where will you go, Norman? Where will you go? NORMAN: This is all your fault. Just like with the highway. MOM: They’re going to drain the swamp, and they’re going to find every single one of those cars, Norman. … | Continue reading
“The Republican Party outside of Florida has no message. No discipline. No leadership. No courage to confront the important issues head-on. That’s why they’re losing to literally brain-damaged candidates. We need a total overhaul.” — Conservative commentator Matt Walsh, November … | Continue reading
Fueled by an expanding class of billionaires, political spending on the 2022 midterm elections will shatter records at the state and federal levels.— New York Times - - -RON LAUDER (net worth $4.5b): Frankly, I’m disappointed. My mother, Estée, worked tirelessly to get herself ou … | Continue reading
NIMBY Public Comment Bingo | Continue reading
We’ve got a lot to get to tonight, but first, I want to tell you a story. It’s a story that begins 12,000 years ago with an invention that sparks the Neolithic Revolution and ends with a home invasion and a bear attack. Imagine this: you’re a bear. One of three. And like all bear … | Continue reading
1. You wonder how much this is going to hurt. 2. You lose track of your drinking. 3. Your stomach is in knots. 4. Holy crap! 5. You keep googling possible outcomes. 6. You fear seeing red. 7. Your phone buzzes with messages from concerned friends and family. 8. The word “probe” m … | Continue reading
I want to take this time to thank my fanbase for their devotion to reading all twelve volumes of my fantasy series, The Winds of Westerwhere Saga. I am now excited to share that volume thirteen, A Thorn of Jagged Daggers, will be out very soon. But I also want to address concerns … | Continue reading
When to Turn Your Heat On in New England: A Decision Guide | Continue reading
“Kari Lake, the Republican candidate for governor of Arizona, refused to commit to accepting the results of her election, using much of the same language that former President Donald J. Trump did when he was a candidate.” — New York Times - - -It has been brought to my attention … | Continue reading
Hello, new friend. I’m so excited to meet my first local here at this adorable coffee shop. I can’t believe a latte only costs five dollars. What is this? A developing country? Ha ha, just kidding. I recently moved here from California, so everything seems cheap to me. Why did I … | Continue reading
Iced lattes become illegal, oat milk outlawed Every American citizen required to purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of My Pillows per month Christian prayer now required before pumping gas Registered Democrats must wear crying emoji badge You’ll be told, “COVID’s over, asshole,” o … | Continue reading