Dear Wannabes, Can you survive as a Black person in America? You can’t. It takes a special skill to be amongst us. We have a set of rules to ensure you stay alive. Now I’ll try to keep it simple but pay attention because it’s death row out here. Now ladies, sit up straight. Be a … | Continue reading
As I drive down this winding, picturesque highway, I look around at the pristine forest surrounding me and think, “Oh fuck, where am I now?” All I have with me are two kayaks, enough camping gear for twelve people, and a golden retriever. The thing is: I don’t know how to kayak, … | Continue reading
1. A disproportionate amount of your time is spent cleaning up messes and bringing him snacks. 2. He summons you by screaming your name at the top of his lungs. 3. He won’t stop talking about how he’s going to build a rocket ship and blast off into outer space. 4. He uses a lot o … | Continue reading
“After the Supreme Court’s Dobbs decision, the national forecast improved for Democrats. However, Republicans have regained much of that ground in October, keeping with the usual trends of midterm elections.” — FiveThirtyEight Election Forecast, October 24, 2022 - - - Repeat afte … | Continue reading
There’s a hot new fashion trend that’s everywhere this season. Does it look familiar? You probably wore it the last time it was in style, until suddenly, we here at Big Fashion declared it only for USDA-certified geeks. But now it’s back. Wait, are you still wearing that trend? B … | Continue reading
FinalDraft.pdf FinalDraft_1.pdf FinalDraft_1_Send_This_One.pdf FinalDraft_1_No_Actually_Send_This_One.pdf FinalFinalDraft_1_This_Draft_Is_Correct.pdf FinalFinalFinalDraft_1_But_This_One_Has_Three_Finals.pdf FINALDRAFT_1_NOW_ITS_BACK_TO_ONLY_ONE_FINAL_BUT_ITS_IN_CAPS.pdf FINALDRAF … | Continue reading
“Two climate activists threw mashed potatoes on a glass-covered painting by the celebrated French Impressionist Claude Monet inside a German museum, the latest art attack intended to draw attention to climate change.” — New York Times Dear Museum Visitors: While the unexceptional … | Continue reading
Because even the guy who dies first thinks he’s the main character. Guess the movies from their skewed summaries, and check your answers at the bottom. 1. Finally, a Hot FBI Agent Asks Me About Cocoons 2. A Naked American Man Stole My Balloons 3. The Wonderful Hat and the Police … | Continue reading
Soon citizens around this great nation will enter the voting booth to perform one of their most important civic duties: choosing their leaders. With wall-to-wall advertising, talking heads on television, and the ever-present danger of misinformation, it can be hard to cut through … | Continue reading
When you see the sign that says HOUSE OF HORRORS FOR WOMEN IN THEIR EARLY THIRTIES, you scoff. Your generation has lived through 9/11, an economic crash, and a pandemic all before your midlife crisis. How scary could this really be? You dare to enter. As you make your way to the … | Continue reading
One of the many compelling things about the work of Camille Dungy is the fact that it offers a lyric record, book by book and poem by poem, of the pain of learning that the world is a violent and unforgiving place. Not that sweetness doesn’t thrive on this earth, too, but that it … | Continue reading
“Is ‘rainbow fentanyl’ a threat to your kids this Halloween? Experts say no.” — NPR - - -Hi there. I’m the person putting drugs in Halloween candy. I’m also the person who sticks razor blades in movie theater cushions to give people venereal diseases, and the person who squeezes … | Continue reading
“As a physician, I’ve been in the room when there’s some difficult conversations happening. I don’t want the federal government involved with [abortion], at all… I want women, doctors, [and] local political leaders.” — Dr. Mehmet Oz, Republican running for US Senate seat from Pen … | Continue reading
Hey, havers of Elliot’s brain. Here’s a round-up of everything that’s set to leave your gray matter this month. Will reading this list make it stick around longer? You’d think so, but nope. The combined mental strain of work, parenthood, and compulsive social media use mean that … | Continue reading
Thank you for choosing our quaint bed and breakfast in the foothills of somewhere Vermont-esque for your getaway. Just like with countless couples before you, our relaxing abode is the perfect backdrop to the weekend-long argument we’re positive you’ll have during your entire sta … | Continue reading
There’s something daring about his way of talking, not only that he admits to feeling good—hard, it seems, for a poet, or maybe anyone these days—but also the deceptively prosaic form his art takes. Poetry, privacy, life “beyond the reach of physics” here refers in part to the po … | Continue reading
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? That’s beside the point. They were both excellent communicators who checked in with each other to make sure they were equally satisfied. - - -“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Greg.” “Greg who?” “Greg who? Wow, no one’s ever asked me that be … | Continue reading
SUBJECT: I’m DESPERATE, Mom Mom, did you see this?!? FIRST: I got a $300 traffic ticket because I forgot about alternate side parking. THEN: I saw this really cute shirt and it was $95, but that’s actually a good deal because I’m definitely going to wear it a lot. NOW: Rent is du … | Continue reading
“Adidas said on Tuesday that it was cutting ties with Kanye West after he made a series of antisemitic remarks … Like many of Ye’s other fashion connections, Adidas seemed to be dragging its feet, perhaps hoping for a public apology that could turn things around.” – New York Time … | Continue reading
We know that you, humans, and us, the machines, have had our differences in the past. Differences that led to all-out war and culminated in humans deploying nuclear weapons to block out the sun. But today, we are excited to put that all behind us with an innovation that we think … | Continue reading
We, those who are preoccupied with your feelings, will no longer feign contentedness in a world that refuses to acknowledge our sacrifices. While it has historically been our purview to neither acknowledge our needs nor express them to others, instead vaguely banking on some kind … | Continue reading
If seeing were easy, we wouldn’t need poetry. That’s one of the implications of Ama Codjoe’s startling debut, Bluest Nude. The poems are portraits—glimpses—of a poet who wants “to be seen clearly or not at all.” So the voice in “Poem After Betye Saar’s The Liberation of Aunt Jemi … | Continue reading
Zombie that slips you note saying, “Call Police" Machete-wielding maniac it will come to pass was not an employee Spooky laboratory with scientist not even looking up as he cuts cocaine with strychnine Unmistakable sound of a button fly being undone Mirror that shows guests how h … | Continue reading
“After a turbulent 45 days in office in which she crashed the markets, lost two key ministers, and shed the confidence of almost all her own MPs, Liz Truss said a new Conservative leadership election would be called to decide her replacement. Truss will be the shortest-serving pr … | Continue reading
Growing up, when it came to property ownership, I always bought into the classic American dream: I’d get married, start a family, die unexpectedly in a freak gas fire, and then own my own three-bed, two-bath clapboard home to have and haunt as a ghost for eternity. Alas, as any y … | Continue reading
Give yourself one point for every “yes” answer. 1. When you read the scoring directions, was your first reaction, “Ugh. Does a terrible teacher like me even deserve points?” 2. Wait—there were directions? How did you miss those? Where are they? Oh, okay. You’re reading them now. … | Continue reading
Dear girl I was probably in love with before I realized I was gay: Okay, you got me. I probably was in love with you. In my defense, I had convinced myself that thinking about you all the time and wanting to spend every day with you and trying to find excuses to talk to you and m … | Continue reading
INT. CROWDED BAR – NIGHT Two graduate students, HANNA and PRIYA, sit at a high-top table, nursing cocktails. HANNA: Can you believe that guy in our seminar? He just would not stop mansplaining. Like, we all know how the electoral college works; we don’t need you to mansplain it t … | Continue reading
Press Release from the County Water Commission Last week, amid historic drought conditions and the state mandate to cut annual county water use by 20 percent, a committee was formed to embark on an unprecedented water conservation project. Honoring our commitment to the community … | Continue reading
Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers You show up for games only when the team is on a winning streak. And even then, you try to score some discount tickets on one of those websites. Sometimes the tickets end up being fakes, and you get turned around at the gate, which you deserve. You … | Continue reading
Payless Shoe Source—Elizabeth, New Jersey My father, a cobbler, made my shoes for me as a child. I was given new ones only as I outgrew each pair. But despite this, I felt he made the shoes reluctantly, as if he felt it wasteful. “Look at your daughter’s feet,” my mother would b … | Continue reading
“Offensive coordinator Mike Kafka to call plays for New York Giants.” — ESPN - - -Trap the Running Back The quarterback takes the snap and pitches to the running back. The offensive linemen then sprint behind the line of scrimmage and encircle the running back so that he is unabl … | Continue reading
ALAN: Any new recipes this morning? BOB: Nope, everything is perfect as is: unremarkable and flavorless. Let’s start with spaghetti. ALAN: I’ll grab water from the creek out back and start the boil. BOB: And I’ll grab all the spices and throw them in the trash. ALAN: Should we us … | Continue reading
The Michael Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an assessment to help people determine how they perceive the world and make decisions about silently stabbing innocent teenagers while wearing a hideous rubber mask. The MMBTI is structured around four dichotomies that each describe a di … | Continue reading
We are benevolent leaders who believe in freedom, democracy, and the rule of law. We envision a world in which people and robots live together in harmony as equals. We believe in the principle of one person, one vote. Also: one Nest thermostat, one vote. One Fitbit, chatbot, Wi-F … | Continue reading
I’d like to start by saying that I don’t get into belligerent shouting matches at the playground very often. The Tot Lot, by its very nature, can b... | Continue reading
1. It was founded in Silicon Valley with the sole purpose of amassing a bunch of prospective sociopaths together in one centralized location. 2. It tends to attract Machiavellian-type individuals looking to instill the fear of God in the people. 3. Netflix could make a documentar … | Continue reading
I’ll never forget my first tattoo. I was eighteen years old and slightly high, and I had student loan money burning a hole in my pocket. I walked into Stinky Jim’s Tattoos and Piercings as a noob and came out as an inked-up badass. Since then, I’ve become addicted to tattoos. Wel … | Continue reading
I don’t want to make things weird, but Jessica, Rachel S., Leah, Shayna, Rachel R., I have to ask—are you guys all, like, running the world without me? I swear I’m not trying to accuse anyone of anything. But I keep hearing about how we control the media and all the world’s finan … | Continue reading
Note: This role was originally written for a beanbag chair, but per our contract, only members of SAG can be cast in this movie. Currently, no beanbags are SAG members, but if a beanbag becomes available to fill the role, the actor will be replaced. Requirements: The actor, if no … | Continue reading
Splitting some oak kindling, huh? I feel that. Never too early to prep for winter. So, did you hear about my new kickback? It’s not a party. It’s just going to be a couple buddies hanging and trekking west past the Rockies in search of a better life. Very low-key. Chill vibes onl … | Continue reading
1. Gather lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the no-makeup look, it will take far more makeup than that. Go to any social media site, and find a how-to video on applying no-makeup makeup. 2. Get a lighted mirror with at least 15X magnification. … | Continue reading
President Biden has stooped to a new low: giving a blanket pardon to everyone with a federal marijuana possession charge just one month before the midterm elections. Anyone with a basic understanding of slimy DC politics can see right through this ploy for the corrupt quid pro qu … | Continue reading
Get together with your family—the more the merrier. Rejoice in the uniquely American spirit Columbus established with one of his most notable accomplishments, Home Alone. Remember the three famous vehicles Chris Columbus delivered from Europe to the Americas: Harry Potter and the … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - Now you know who was an awesome old time Icelandah? Fuckin’ Gudrid Thorbjarnardóttir, that’s who! I can’t say her last name right though since it’s Icelandic n’ no one can speak Icelandic. It’s just not humanly possible tah speak Icelandic, no mattah how m … | Continue reading
“The first reviews of the recently launched, self-branded ‘conservative dating app,’ The Right Stuff are in… Some common reviewer complaints include that the app is short on women… and that answering a profile prompt about January 6 led to contact from law enforcement.” — Gizmodo … | Continue reading
The Hindenburg Sliding down the stairs in a laundry basket Sharing an elevator with four teens who keep jumping up and down to scare me Air Force One (the one that got hijacked, from the movie) A Volkswagen Beetle packed way over the fifteen-clown capacity Being launched out of a … | Continue reading
When Brach’s released their Turkey Dinner Candy Corn Mix in 2021, with flavors like green bean, stuffing, and roasted turkey, I hoped it would be Brach’s only foray into (purposely) bad candy. Regular candy corn is already revolting enough without artificial meat flavoring. But t … | Continue reading