My name is Kassie H. I’m twenty-one years old, and I’ve been a pre-girlfriend for over eight years. That sounds long enough, I know, but they actually won’t let us become Girlfriend until we’re over eighteen. It’s the rules. For eight years, my job was to wait until he needed me … | Continue reading
The Long Island iced tea and I have some history, though much of it remains, to me, a mystery. At the Rock It Grill, a karaoke dive bar in my hometown that’s famous for its kitschy commercials, I used to slam Long Islands before belting out “Kiss From a Rose” or “All Star” or “Yo … | Continue reading
Inspired by Kahlil Gibran. - - -And a woman breastfeeding in public said, Speak to us of Children And lo, he mansplained thusly: Your children are not your children. You might think they are your children, especially after being in labor for thirty-six hours and feeling them lite … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - -In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio-text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancien … | Continue reading
I see that pumpkin spice lattes are back. There have been news stories, opinion pieces, and articles about the drink in magazines and on websites. Also, the demon Dagon has invaded my dreams to give me a gentle reminder that even though it’s still summer, it’s time for me to prov … | Continue reading
As I got out of my car last night to fill up on gas after driving a total stranger to the middle of the woods, I thought about how empowered I was to truly grab the financial reins of my life. When my boss at the cafe last year told me he was going to cut my hours, I gave him a f … | Continue reading
“Hold me closer tiny dancer” Hold me closer Tony Danza “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes” The girl with colitis goes by “Gettin’ jiggy wit it” Democracy is on the ropes and far too few people give a fuck. “’Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate” The subtle chipping away … | Continue reading
“Biden’s student loan socialism is a slap in the face to every family who sacrificed to save for college, every graduate who paid their debt, & every American who chose a certain career path or volunteered to serve in our Armed Forces …” – Sen. Mitch McConnell Ever since the One … | Continue reading
First things first, I need to apologize. Had I known that a moment of weakness after drinking a bottle of Chablis and “reading” the 1974 Christmas issue of Playgirl that I kept hidden under my pantyhose would result in the creation of this terrible yacht rock earworm, I would hav … | Continue reading
In the past, wolves have been successfully reintroduced to national parks to preserve the biodiversity of the land and reinvigorate wild populations. What we’ve found, however, is that wolves do not translate to tourist dollars. People don’t want to encounter wolves in the parks. … | Continue reading
Cinderella: They were too bold with last year’s production of Chicago. This one is for the school board. Phantom of the Opera: They haven’t heard about the drama club budget cuts yet. Spamalot: They led their college improv comedy group. Book of Mormon: They were rejected from th … | Continue reading
First off, let it be known that I am very capable of accepting feedback and criticism. I can take a note if the note is worth taking. And while I appreciate your comments, it seems as though you’re missing the point to an almost comical degree. The fact that my main character is … | Continue reading
The following health code violations were observed during a recent inspection at the Fisher-Price kitchen in Miss Carol’s preschool classroom at Little Wonders Childcare Center in Scottsdale, Arizona: No thermometers, timers, or food rotation system in place. Chefs apparently jus … | Continue reading
Here’s what I wish they had told me when I was in medical school forty years ago. Your Role on the Internal Medicine Team You will work in the hospital with a senior resident, two junior residents, a senior medical student, and a couple other morons like yourself. You will be tre … | Continue reading
A cute pied-à-terre in the woods with a bed that’s just right for less than $3 million? These were her options. When Goldilocks told her broker that she wanted an apartment with a medium-sized chair, a bowl of warm porridge, and a bed that was neither too hard nor too soft for le … | Continue reading
Are you a believer in the Montessori principle of child-led learning? Has a fellow parent undermined your hard work by throwing a birthday party that featured a magician that hoodwinked his audience into believing that he had achieved fantastical feats, inflicting irreparable har … | Continue reading
I’ve heard that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime. It seems teaching someone to fish is a much better use of time and resources than giving them a fish if we’re ever going to really do something about world … | Continue reading
“All technique, no passion, a critic said” of Canadian pianist Louis Lortie, “but,” writes Richie Hofmann, “that was what I liked.” It’s as if what moves the poet is not the feeling directly, but the way that feeling emanates from the completeness of its subordination to the craf … | Continue reading
Hey, it’s us: the Sophists. If you’re asking “Who?” then you’re neither a professor of rhetoric nor one of those undergrads who took Philosophy 101 and won’t stop throwing around decontextualized philosophical quotes to seem intelligent—good for you! If you don’t know about us, w … | Continue reading
Just take a deep breath and remember to take care of yourself. Just watch the ten-minute video on blood-borne pathogens and hope you never need to know this. Just take a photo of your vaccination card and AirDrop it to your Mac. Just convert the .heic file in your downloads folde … | Continue reading
To someone outside the scene, someone who isn’t hip, Liquid Death’s water-in-a-can packaging might appear to be a gimmick. Their marketing overtly try-hard. Their “evil mission” downright patronizing. But as a genuine straight-edge punk, I’m here to say that the new Liquid Death … | Continue reading
Canto 34 Midway upon the journey of my life I found myself within a shoe aisle in Target, For the toddler’s sparkle unicorn shoes had been lost. Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say What was this shoe aisle savage, rough, and smelly, Which in the very thought renews the fear. So … | Continue reading
Academic Department Chair Bingo from Hell | Continue reading
To say that Matthew Dickman’s new book, Husbandry, is about being a dad is to risk obscuring the desperate strangeness of early twenty-first-century single parenting. There are so few books, in the first place, that make fatherhood a primary focus—I think of Galway Kinnell’s The … | Continue reading
Last weekend there was a shark attack at our town beach, and a young man is recovering in the hospital. Now, as terrifying as this event may be, as the mayor, I need to remind you that shark attacks are actually incredibly rare. Before you give in to irrational fear and haul your … | Continue reading
Degas painted a portrait of Manet’s wife—Manet slashed it with a razor. Rauschenberg erased a de Kooning. Ruskin burned Goya’s engravings. “He smells of brimstone,” Ingres said of Delacroix. “He looks like a guy who works at a service station pumping gas,” de Kooning said of Poll … | Continue reading
In conjunction with our health insurance partners, we’re proud to announce our new Corporate Bloodletting Program, which will go into effect with next year’s benefits elections. To keep costs down for both you and your benevolent employer, our wise and caring executives are imple … | Continue reading
Bad news, you’re dead. Even worse, Satan has selected the perfect method of torturing you: attending a never-ending livestream of Cindy’s “Snappy and Snazzy” Custom Nail Polish Palooza. You know, the Facebook event you would never have attended back when you were alive and had fr … | Continue reading
Across six collections of poetry, Maureen N. McLane has given us an art that is contemporary and ancient, raw and formal, open and deep. She seems to balance elements that too many poets these days rarely even attempt to bind together, and she does so in such satisfying ways. McL … | Continue reading
Arthur and Merlin fight for the last hot dog as a massive snowstorm sweeps their county. Their hunger drives them to explore new foods as they discover that almost anything can be ingested if you try hard enough. - - - A lamb stranded on a beach waits for the tide to come in so i … | Continue reading
“Baby, we were born to run” Or walk, depending on my knee. “Dancing in the dark” If I’m dancing, this is the only lighting that makes sense. “Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?” Or just any responsible adult? If I could drop my kids off for a playdate I could get to the den … | Continue reading
We are so excited that you are going to watch our castle. While a lovely place, it is ancient and haunted, so it has a few quirks. Unfortunately, our Steward was murdered last Michaelmas by brigands, so much of the day-to-day logistics will fall to you. Doors, keys, and moat The … | Continue reading
New Adjunct Faculty members — Congratulations on deciding to work for Jameson College. We think of our faculty and staff as family, so we want to be sure you have a positive experience. After all, we count on you to reapply for your jobs every semester. (If you’re new full-time, … | Continue reading
Few are the writers making poems and novels of the highest caliber. Chris Abani is one of these, part of a cadre that includes Michael Ondaatje and Patricia Lockwood. Thomas Hardy their predecessor in spirit. Abani, who directs both the creative writing MFA and the Program of Afr … | Continue reading
You like chicken? Maybe a good old-fashioned burger? Maybe you’re vegetarian? All good, come on over. I’ll unholster my Outdoorsman 5000 Cordless Infrared Charcoal Lighter, and we’ll hit some of this Devil’s Dick Jumbo Hardwood Texas Charcoal with a beam of air clocking in at abo … | Continue reading
My love, I know I promised I’d walk five hundred miles just to be the man that falls down at your door. But I’ve been thinking it through and, well, I’m wondering if there isn’t perhaps an alternative way to demonstrate my worthiness? Take a look at this map. If I started walking … | Continue reading
TO: Citizens FROM: The Patriarchy SUBJECT: Menstruation- Important!!! We do everything we can to make life easier for cisgender straight white men. Unfortunately, menstruation continues to wreak havoc on our most valued population. This memo is a reminder that their periods need … | Continue reading
Hey, omg, what a surprise running into you while I’m trying out my new bucket hat at the age of thirty-seven. This is a little embarrassing, isn’t it? Because this hat is so dumb, right? OMG, it’s hard to hold eye contact! Looking at you from under this brim is, what’s the word I … | Continue reading
What a week. I’m totally drained. So much craziness at the office. All I want to do is slip into my PJs, pop some Orville Redenbacher, and stream that new show that’s getting so much buzz. The one Marcus and Jenny and my other coworkers have been raving about. What was it called … | Continue reading
1. Marisol’s parents immigrated to the United States on a train traveling 55 mph from a country 1,808 miles south of San Diego. Nilofer’s parents immigrated to the United States on a plane moving 800 mph from a country 7,147 miles east of Boston. If Marisol and Nilofer are the on … | Continue reading
Volume II “Brandy” “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” was released in 1972 by the New Jersey band Looking Glass, reaching number one on the Billboard chart after a DC program director put a test-pressing of the disc into his station’s rotation and received an overwhelming response fro … | Continue reading
Summertime. You’re sitting on a beach, working up a good sweat and a better tan. The sun high overhead, you reach into your cooler, flush with ice. It’s time to crack open a cold one and melt into the afternoon. And there’s no better way to quench your thirst than with an IPA cra … | Continue reading
Dear Mommy Blogger, I recently tried your no-bake recipe for Golden Turmeric Energy Balls because I currently have two five-pound bags of turmeric. Yours was the first link that came up when I googled “recipes heavy on turmeric.” I get why your blog is so popular; it has a strong … | Continue reading
Get ready, folks. Prepare yourselves for terror. For thrills. For a hair-raising ride through the clutches of death, where the only thing separating me from a barrage of speeding midday traffic is a thin, fading line of paint. Prepare yourselves for my next death-defying stunt, w … | Continue reading
Look, I know she’s been like this since we met her in grade school, but I’ve had enough. Just because her husband time travels at the most unexpected moments doesn’t mean that time doesn’t apply to her. Because from what I understand, she moves chronologically, right? Linearly? I … | Continue reading
Hell’s Department of Suffering and Horror, in conjunction with the Lake of Fire Institute and the Ceaseless Misery Foundation, is now accepting proposals for the next plague or nightmare to be inflicted on the United States, tentatively planned for the 2022-2023 academic year. In … | Continue reading
Paying rent is optional. If you borrow money from your partner, just pay them back with one thousand kisses. Opening a restaurant in Santa Fe is a lucrative business venture requiring absolutely no hard work. Just overcharge the wealthy clientele. An excellent freelance gig is to … | Continue reading
“Sk8er Boi” Avril Lavigne Sk8er Boi’s band’s sophomore album did not chart, and they broke up in 2004. In 2016, Sk8er Boi attempted a comeback as an alt-right rapper but failed to generate buzz for his single, “Don’t Sk8 on Me.” He is now trying to push his own cryptocurrency, Sk … | Continue reading