Amazon Prime Day Has Become Too Commercialized

Amazon Prime Day used to mean something. When I was young, my family would joyfully celebrate the legacy of a mega-corporation that runs hundreds o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Encyclopedia Entry for the Midwestern Dad

Scientific Name: Patria Adultus Middle AmericanusCommon Names: Dad, Pop, Old ManNative to: North Central United States, with heavy concentrations... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Happy Father’s Day: Pearls of Wisdom from My Gay Dads

On getting bullied when I was five:“We do not fight with our hands; we fight with our words. Let me help you brainstorm. What does your bully hate... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Short Conversations With Poets: Forrest Gander

One of the things most alive in contemporary poetry is a sense that even as the ecological ship goes down, we might record the catastrophe, might l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Cordelia from King Lear’s Father’s Day Twitter Thread

(1/23) Cordelia here, honest, loyal daughter, or so they say. Father’s Day is tough for me. Why? READ BELOW TILL THE END. #FathersDay(2/23) So, my... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

What Your Favorite ’90s Rock Band Says About the Type of Bored Suburban Dad You Are Today

Barenaked Ladies: You like craft beer.Sleater-Kinney: You like craft beer and claim you were into it “before it became such a thing.”Soundgarden:... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Son, I Just Called to Tell You How Much I Love Field of Dreams

Hi, son. Yeah, I know it’s late. What time is it there? No, everything is okay. Nothing’s wrong. Your mom went to bed a while ago, and I just wante... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Why I’m Selling My Catalog of Dad Jokes

I still remember the first time I told my then six-year-old son Lev that a clam makes calls with its “shell phone.” The laugh of recognition when h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How I Saved Enough to Buy a House With My Parents’ Money

A lot of people have been asking me how I put away enough money to buy a house. Well, it’s pretty simple: I saved up for a while, and when that was... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Six Weeks Is Enough Time for a Woman to Realize She’s Pregnant Because That’s How Long It Takes Jesus to Send Doves to Sing “Life is a Highway” Into Her Ear

I may not be a woman, but I am a Texas legislator, and therefore I am an expert on how women’s bodies work, especially in matters of pregnancy. So ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Short Conversations With Poets: Katie Peterson

Katie Peterson has written several searing books of lyric poems. She writes lucid lines, lines that pierce with their apparent simplicity. Her last... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

James Joyce’s The Hobbit

I.There never was a Hobbit Hole quite like Bag End in all of Hobbiton a place that oftsaw the comings and goings of many of the Little Folk and Bi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Forced a Bot to Read 1,000 Emails, Press Releases, and Social Media Posts from Republican Leaders and Then Asked It to Create Its Own Message

READ THIS BEFORE THEY MAKE YOUR EYES ILLEGALDo you look outside at ruins of liberty and ask, what has become of my country? Gulfstream media says ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to My Child’s Overnight Camp About the Things I Didn’t Have Room to Include in the “Anything Else We Should Know About Your Child?” Section of the Registration Form

Dear Camp Mosquito,Thank you for accepting my child for your “Tent, Ticks, and Chill: Session I” this summer. The registration form had a 100-char... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Are Not a Pet Store — We Are Bedrock’s Premier Appliance Retailer

Welcome to B.C. Richard and Stone in beautiful downtown Bedrock! You have questions, we have answers! Learn more about us below, as well as the ans... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

My Landlord Totoro

My name is Dave, I live in a one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, and for the last eleven months I’ve been tormented by my landlord, a giant raccoon ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Cancel Culture: A Glossary

“Remember when woke used to be cool? And now it’s Mom on Facebook. Like, I don’t know what happened.” — Jemele Hill on MSNBC, April 8, 2021.- - -1... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Short Conversations With Poets: Arthur Sze

Part of the project of modern poets, picking up where people like William Blake and William Wordsworth left off, has been to reanimate animism. To ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jesus Christ Can’t Stop Obsessing Over His Follower Count

In the beginning was the Word, and I don’t know what the Word was, but I swear to frigging Dad, it was not “followers.”I was just a youngish Son o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Richard III Is Not Ready for Hot Girl Summer

“The Return of FOMO: Our Uneasy, Great Reopening.” — Cover article of New York Magazine, June 2021.- - -Now is the winter of our discontentMade H... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

If I Moved Back to My Hometown, As Envisioned by My Parents

The house of my dreams gets put on the market. I make an offer, but because the realtor is so thrilled about my decision to move back, she gives me... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We’re Only Meeting For the First Time, But I’m Going to Give You a Good, Long Hug Anyway

“… Bring on the bear hugs [and] the awkward don’t-know-if-we-should-hug hugs.” — CNN on the return of hugs for those who have been fully vaccinated... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

My Personal Brand Is I Don’t Want to Die

Hi, great to connect. I’m a passionate creative who crafts captivating stories for high-quality clients, because my preference is to live.Here’s m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

T. S. Eliot Goes to a Planet Fitness Gym

“The Lunk Alarm of J. Alfred Prufrock”I’m addicted-way o-tay ose-thay ape-gray ootsie-tay olls-ray ey-thay ave-hay in-way e-thay ont-fray. It’s in... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Your Neighbor With the Loud Motorcycle Who’s Making Your Life a Living Hell Introduces Himself

Hi, neighbor! Just wanted to stop by and formally introduce myself, even though I’m sure you and everyone else with a pair of ears in a five-mile r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

High Noon Sun Sips

I am not a huge alcohol drinker. Even during college, I wasn’t exactly a big partier. The college I went to doesn’t even have its own sororities. T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Are You Playing Call of Duty or Deconstructing Late-Stage Capitalism?

1. “The ads are the worst part about it.”2. “Why do I need to spend money in order to buy more money?”3. “I don’t feel comfortable about these ki... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A 1985 Action Movie Hero Brings Way Too Much Heat and Weird Slang to His Scenes

1.LIEUTENANT DAVIDSON: We got another call about that bar down on 3rd Street.HERO: AW, COME ON! What the conk, Lieutenant! Johnson’s out there th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am a 9-Year-Old Practicing Cursive Handwriting, and if the Constitution Let Me Run for Office I’d Have the Boomer Vote Locked Up

As an aspiring politician who loves this country and greatly admires our Founding Fathers, I cannot help but point out the areas where they were a ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

To-Do List for Your Baby’s 15-Minute Nap

Wash and sterilize used bottles.Take out the trash bag full of dirty diapers.Start a load of laundry for the third time this week.Why is there s... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Dave Eggers, Author of The Museum of Rain

- - -Dave Eggers’s new short story, The Museum of Rain is a testament to family, a ballad to leisurely walking in nature, and a reflection on the ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Letter to Charles Schulz from Patty, Not Peppermint Patty, the Original Patty

July 10, 1968Dear Mr. Schulz,Do you know what it’s like to wander through life, having no significant conversations and participating in no signi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Just Because I’m a Democrat Doesn’t Mean I Believe in Something Crazy Like Guaranteeing Everyone the Right to Vote

“Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin on Sunday defended his decision to vote against a sweeping voting rights bill and reiterated his opposition to gutting... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Cursed Volcano Or Not, We’re Buying This House Sight Unseen

We’re so glad that we were able to catch you the instant you listed your house on Zillow. My wife and I knew it would pay off to stalk the website ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

It’s Great to Hang Out After Self-Isolating for a Year — I’m Not Acting Weird, Am I?

Hey, man! It’s been a while. What a year, huh? Really nice to be able to see people again. Sorry, am I talking weird? I’m not? Oh good. I’m a littl... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Principles of DIY Home Repair

Before you begin, have bandages of several sizes handy, even if you are just repairing a teddy bear.You will find your manual for the broken unit,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

What Some Poets Would Say If They Were Around for National Donut Day

Dylan ThomasDonut, go gentle into that good night:In middle-age, I beg you, stay away.I can’t afford to take another bite.Although you’ve helpe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Honest Reasons Why Women Don’t Want to Go Back to In-Person Work

As many offices return to in-person work, some women are concerned about reverting to the pre-pandemic white-collar norms that perpetuated inequali... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Why Do You Want to Unsubscribe? WHY?!

We’re sad to see you go. If you have a moment, will you please tell us why you unsubscribed? Please? Failure to do so will cancel your request.1. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

What Not to Expect When You’re Expecting

Your first OBGYN visit“On your first visit to the OBGYN, you will receive information about the facilities, the birth team, and undergo an ultraso... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Coming in 2040: No Future, the First Punk Rock Nursing Home

Your Gen X loved ones have survived so much: the Cold War, latchkey childhoods, mosh pits, COVIDs-19-through-27. They were born into a world withou... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Best STEM Toys For One-Year-Olds, Also, Calm Down

Having knowledge in STEM is critical, and there is no better time to start a child’s journey into STEM than right now. Enough weirdos have said thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m a Sports Coach and I’m Pretty Sure This Is How I’m Supposed to Use the Squeaky Doodle Board Thing

Huddle up, team. Has anyone seen that rectangular board thing that coaches use for doodles and other coaching stuff? Ah, here it is. Now trust me w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Your Biggest Fan Called and She Wants You Home Before Dinner

Beaver of Fine Arts: Your Biggest Fan Called and She Wants You Home Before Dinner | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

User Manual for Administering Remote State High-Stakes Testing

This user manual will guide you in the application of remote state high-stakes testing. To ensure successful test administration for your district’... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

You’re Not Going to Just Throw Me Away, Are You?

You're Not Going to Just Throw Me Away, Are You? | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with John Brandon, Author of Ivory Shoals

John Brandon’s new novel, Ivory Shoals, is his fifth book — joining the novels Arkansas, Citrus County, A Million Heavens , and the story collecti... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Last Time We Spoke Was in High School But Now I’m Inviting You to Join a Pyramid Scheme

Hey dude! How’s it going?! It’s me, someone you vaguely remember from high school, and I wanted to check your interest in joining this pyramid sche... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago