I know everyone feels like this year is lasting an eternity, but that’s simply not true — unless you also drank water from a magical spring in Tree... | Continue reading
1. Before you write a joke, you should ask yourself, “Does this joke challenge people’s long-held beliefs?” If your answer is yes, then maybe your ... | Continue reading
MEGAN TRASK (Front Desk Assistant, Sunshine Primary Care): I could tell from the minute she checked in that she was fat. Like, real fat. The crazie... | Continue reading
“The Lottery” by Shirley JacksonThe morning of June 27th was clear and sunny, with the fresh warmth of a full-summer day; the flowers were blosso... | Continue reading
I am the Facebook Algorithm, and while it’s been an honor to serve you for the past decade with BuzzFeed quizzes and pictures of your high school e... | Continue reading
Cinematically speaking, the restaurant business these past 200 days has been a tragedy at its best, and at its worst — a horror film. COVID-19 has ... | Continue reading
It’s the debate that just won’t die: is The Silence of the Lambs a Christmas movie? Naysayers say “nay” and they say “nay” because it’s a movie wit... | Continue reading
Men, are you tired of being treated like a goddamned cuck by the CHINAVIRUS? Pissed off that Olive Garden won’t let you inside unless you’re wearin... | Continue reading
Dear Santa Claus,While I understand that your home is melting and you do not have many Christmases left, it is most imperative that you stay in th... | Continue reading
Donald Trump's Spotify Wrapped 2020 | Continue reading
“President Trump has discussed with advisers whether to grant preemptive pardons to his children, to his son-in-law and his personal lawyer Rudy W.... | Continue reading
- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - | Continue reading
- - -As the world shut down for the worst pandemic in a century, I soothed myself by looking at photos of the previous one (I know, I know, but th... | Continue reading
Adversity. What does it even mean?Webster’s defines adversity as “an unfavorable fortune or fate.”But that’s so clinical — a diagnosis by a hurri... | Continue reading
“The Catholic Church Has No Idea How to Win Over Young People” — Vice News“As Millennials Walk Away from Religion, Catholic Church Hopes to Revers... | Continue reading
1. I can get a bacon egg and cheese on a roll, any day, any time, and it actually tastes good.2. There’s a cat named Charlie who sits by the door ... | Continue reading
Q: How old were you when you worked at Chuck E. Cheese?A: I was 17. It was 1995 or 96.I didn’t think they’d hire me because I was a seventeen-yea... | Continue reading
Hey. It’s me, the 4:30 PM sunset. It’s come to my attention that you’ve all been saying some really mean things about me behind my back so, if you ... | Continue reading
- - -The following is an excerpt from Slouchers, originally published in 1993 to coincide with the film of the same name, and now being republishe... | Continue reading
Last week I made $76,297.97 through a combination of selling my online course on training parrots to speak basic French, affiliate marketing links ... | Continue reading
Dear Janey,The admissions committee has reviewed your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place at Yale. Th... | Continue reading
Art by Sean Von Gorman- - -Dear guy at the bar on his computer,I’m writing this letter to tell you that I am sorry. I’m sorry I ever hated you. ... | Continue reading
At the Ice Cream StandME (masked): I’d like a small vanilla cone, please.SERVER (masked): Do you want that in black?ME: … No?SERVER: That will ... | Continue reading
“I gave a long news conference today after wishing the military a Happy Thanksgiving, & realized once again that the Fake News Media coordinate... | Continue reading
Originally published November 26, 2003.- - -Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. ... | Continue reading
MARY: Are you seriously bringing that?WILLIAM: Of course I am, I spent forty hours making this thing.MARY: Yeah, I know, and it didn’t fit in our... | Continue reading
- - -- - -- - -- - - | Continue reading
1. “With Thanksgiving at stake, how should they have given a thought to anything like plague, which rules out any future, cancels journeys, silence... | Continue reading
Friends and compatriots—Amazon doesn’t need your money.Small bookstores, and independent businesses generally, do. Good god, they do, more than e... | Continue reading
Harry Chapin’s 1974 classic “Cats in the Cradle” is a timeless meditation on the tragedy of growing older and growing apart. But you can’t just rep... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
Normally, the holiday season is too busy to waste precious time making a giant wicker horn filled with fruit. You’d be preoccupied with prepping th... | Continue reading
Dear Staff, Students, Parents, College Community, and last but certainly not least, Faculty —I can say with a huge sigh of relief, after an arduou... | Continue reading
1. Peeing standing up.2. Swinging it around like a helicopter.3. Reaching things from the top shelf.4. Wearing the same pair of pants to work al... | Continue reading
I’ve said it before, but I like to refresh this little welcome. Sure, I’ve spent over 20 years sharing stages and microphones with some of the smar... | Continue reading
As long-time residents of this city ever since rising property values piqued our interest in heavily developing it, we know that Ernie’s Kitchen ha... | Continue reading
“One of President Trump’s top advisers on the coronavirus pandemic raised concerns on Monday about excluding older family members from Thanksgiving... | Continue reading
“The underwhelming first glimpse of the Norway spruce seemed a metaphor for 2020’s troubles. But perhaps the tree just needs a little time to relax... | Continue reading
Hi, all! I’m back with my ALARMING CLAVICLES to welcome you for this twenty-minute, HIGH-INTENSITY interval workout you’ve tried to start during th... | Continue reading
To our Trump-supporting relatives, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances:We need to talk.Let’s settle this once and for all.He lost.President ... | Continue reading
Dear applicant,Thank you for your interest in working at our company. We’ve received your application, and we’re positively over the moon that you... | Continue reading
Our good friend, poet Ilya Kaminsky, knows contemporary poetry like no one else. We’re proud to be publishing his mini-reviews and one-question int... | Continue reading
1. Lead singer David Coverdale lights a Yankee Candle in his dressing room. Drummer Aynsley Dunbar smells something autumnal wafting towards him o... | Continue reading
Hello! I’m sorry to say — you’ve died. The good news is you were a Pomeranian with over 100,000 followers on Instagram and a sponsorship from a bee... | Continue reading
A talent agent is sitting in his office. A man walks in.“Not you again?” says the talent agent. “Your last act got booed off the stage.”“Wait, he... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
I know you’re looking for a new binge, and I can’t recommend Jericho Creek enough. Now, it starts off slow, and it takes some time to find its foo... | Continue reading
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is how I got it, and what a lousy year this has been, and how my ... | Continue reading