A Guide to Midwestern Conversation: Election Edition

“Things are definitely feeling a little different this year.” Shit’s bad.“I’ve been appreciating the honesty of your Facebook posts.” I have a g... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Believes In Justice for All

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Stuck In Silence

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Is a Witch

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Help Shakespeare & Co, Get a Drawing of You

It is not good to have a favorite bookstore when it’s your job to love all bookstores. But… Shakespeare & Co in Paris is a fairy tale of a book... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Loves Ice Cream

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Famous Horror Movies, Reviewed In 2020

Friday the 13thMildly creepy. The most disturbing part is having to watch only one person wear a mask for two hours. My nerves were shot.Nightmar... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 954

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote, or check to make sure you’re registered to vote here.To download a PDF of thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Doesn’t Like Any of Their Choices

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m Your Dead Movie Wife and I Have Some Questions

Hey, babe. Wow. I can’t believe I’m gone. Super sad I died in a way that absolutely decimated my body but left my symmetrical face and giganto clea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Knows It Doesn’t Matter

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Gets Called Black — But Has Always Been a Ghost

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Are Random Capitalizations, Words in ALL CAPS, and Incorrect Punctuation and We Endorse Joe Biden for President

Before we all landed this Job on the White House Communications Team, we spent years working on your aunt’s recipes and your dad’s texts that he st... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Tell-Tale Biological Clock

True! — aging — very, very dreadfully aging I had been and am; but why will you say that I must have a child? I have seen so many babies from heave... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Is Worried About Law and Order

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Out-of-Season Christmas Music Is a Menace, and the Christmas Commission Will Protect You

Our mission here at the Christmas Commission, Music Division, is to serve and protect you from the deleterious effects of out-of-season Christmas m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Smucker’s Uncrustables Frozen BBQ Chicken Bites

Smucker’s established themselves as unapologetic industry disruptors with the introduction of their Uncrustables PB&J sandwich in 1999. By elim... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who’s Never Voted Before But Can

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 952

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote, or check to make sure you’re registered to vote here.To download a PDF of thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Political Fundraising Emails From Middle-earth

To: the Hobbits of the ShireSubject: The LATEST Polls!Hi Bungo,Have you heard the good news??? Will Whitfoot is SURGING in the latest polls! Thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

In This House, We Believe…

In this house, we believe…Love is LOVENo human is ILLEGALScience is REALLava lamps aren’t REAL LAVALava would evaporate the water and the lamp... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Dis/rupted Voter

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Open Letter to the Woman Who Was Questioned By a Police Officer For Merely Sitting In Her Car In a Target Parking Lot After Midnight Taking A Break From Her Family

Dear Woman in the Target Parking Lot,You’re famous, you know. Police blotter famous, that is.Our suburban weekly newspaper titled your blurb “Sus... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Addendum: Here After

I’ve been here before. In the crucible. Missing everything before. Longing for after. It’s been ten years since my three-year-old son, Lev, died, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Fears For Their Suburb

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Questions You May Be Asked While Phone Banking For The Skeleton Prince

Hey volunteers! We’re super pumped to have you making calls and getting votes for our Lord of Eternal Shadow & Exhumer of Souls, The Skeleton P... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

949 Topics to Discuss With Undecided Voters

Shortly after Trump was elected, we had an idea here at McSweeney’s — a brutally simple idea. Because Trump’s assaults on the Constitution, the rul... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

College Application Essay Prompts For the 2020-2021 Cycle

1. Write about a personal challenge you have recently faced and how it has shaped who you are today. While we would prefer you write about somethin... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Wants to Talk About Climate Change With Neighbors and Skeptics

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

President Hillary Clinton’s Latest Coronavirus Task Force Briefing

“When asked if a female president would have better handled the coronavirus pandemic, the 2016 Democratic presidential nominee said, ‘I have no dou... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 949

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote, or check to make sure you’re registered to vote here.To download a PDF of thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Trump’s Healthcare Plan: A Table of Contents

“President Trump’s press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, gave us a heavy book that she described as the president’s health care plan. It was filled wi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Horror Movies for Toddlers

Stranger Danger(1977)This surrealist cult favorite is a must-watch for fans of toddler art-house horror. While out shopping, a young girl’s moth... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter In a State of Parental Flummox

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

A Quiet Evening at Home With Don, Jr. and Kimberly

DON, JR.: Hey, man, welcome to mi casa! You like the custom doorbell? “Enter Sandman” — fucking genius, right?KIMBERLY: (from the kitchen) Babe?D... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One That Had Better Be the Last One

The Final Presidential DebateBelmont UniversityNashville, TennesseeOctober 23, 2020- - -9:04 PM: NBC White House Correspondent Kristen Welker o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 944

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote, or check to make sure you’re registered to vote here.To download a PDF of thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Cutting Edge Reforms for the Supreme Court

McTwist LimitsIn our current system of lifetime appointments, the Court’s makeup hinges on the health of a few elderly justices. Instead of tying ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Can’t Decide Between Joe Biden and a Third-Party Candidate Who Much More Accurately Represents Their Values and Desires for This Country and the World

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

To the Enemies Surrounding Our Castle, Please Understand That I Often Privately Disagreed With Macbeth’s Policies

“Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) said that he’s disagreed with President Trump . . . but he’s always brought up his concerns privately — rather than pub... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Complaints I’d Have If I Owned a House Instead of Rented an Apartment

The walls are way too thick.I can’t hear when my neighbors are crying or having sex, and I certainly can’t smell the exact spice blend they’re usi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Is Unsure About Climate Change

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Missing: Teacher Lost In Overly Ambitious Metaphor

MISSING:Local high school teacher lost in overly elaborate metaphor using an object he only held a cursory knowledge of when explaining a straight... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Please Convince a Swing-State Voter — You’re Probably Related to One

Here at McSweeney’s, one of our staffers has mentioned that they have in-laws in Pennsylvania, and these in-laws voted for Trump in 2016 and might ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Aren’t You Tired, White Men?

Man, you look beat. You look drained. You look like what happens if Bill Barr and Rudy Giuliani spent the night at a hookah bar with Steve Bannon’s... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Campaign Strategies For Getting Out the Cryptid Vote

Jersey DevilIt’s half-goat, half-bat, and 100%-crucial to our campaign strategy. Legend says the Jersey Devil descends from the wealthy Leeds fami... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Is Unsure About Mail-In Ballots

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Quarantine Is a Wonderful Opportunity to Grow as a Person and Regress as a Person

One of the toughest things about quarantine is the feeling that our year is slipping away. But time stuck at home doesn’t have to be time wasted. I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago