I. I am the Lord thy Job, who brought thee out of the land of unemployment, out of the house of bondage to thy parents. Thou shalt not have family... | Continue reading
As the 2020 presidential election draws closer, it’s more important than ever for Democrats to put aside their differences to unite around my feckl... | Continue reading
I record and optimize everything. If I have a thought or an emotion, or if my vital signs change, it goes in my journal.I work in quick, 3-hour bu... | Continue reading
1The shaggy, hunched Werewolf of London stalked the Soho street in the rain, carrying in his left hand a neatly folded Chinese menu pale as birch ... | Continue reading
Dear Guy Who Can’t Read The Room:Hello and thank you for attempting to engage in an unsolicited conversation with me! In order to ensure our inter... | Continue reading
If you’re in your mid-20s and anything like me, you’ve accumulated several dozen million dollars and are wondering whether you should keep working ... | Continue reading
I am writing to you as the Vice Provost for Strategic Planning, Performance, Accountability, Decision Making, and Talent Recruitment, with an impor... | Continue reading
CUSTOMER: This content is dead.SHOPKEEPER: No it’s not, it’s resting.CUSTOMER: Resting? Now look here, I clicked on this content not two minutes ... | Continue reading
— 1 —IF YOU WANT TO HEAR about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how... | Continue reading
Dear Bubble App Team Members,Good news! In response to your “concerns” about our current open-plan creative campus, we are pleased to announce our... | Continue reading
1. Set the agenda during the meeting; allow it to develop. Have members throw ideas into the ring to see what seems important.2. Distribute reams ... | Continue reading
“I suffer from depression too, and at one point I wanted to quit Amazon. But I realized it was my fault for the problems I was dealing with, and no... | Continue reading
1. You never shower without an audience.2. The person who refused to wear sunscreen or drink water is now having a meltdown, and it’s your job to ... | Continue reading
Friends, neighbors, it’s good to see all of you. I know you, you know me, and just seeing all of your faces at this city council meeting reminds m... | Continue reading
Hello, and thank you for choosing Garbage Health Insurance. Or, if you are receiving coverage through your employer, thank you for having Garbage H... | Continue reading
Son, can we talk for a second?As you know, your mother and I have worked hard to make this a good, clean, utilitarian household — a home that foll... | Continue reading
1. You encounter a strange, cult-like group that lives in almost total isolation from the outside world. They jealously guard their arcane knowledg... | Continue reading
Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading
Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading
Good morning! I cannot even describe to you how much meditation has changed my life, but obviously, I will. My mind used to be so trapped in reacti... | Continue reading
Thank you for coming to this all-hands meeting, which I invited you to via a series of coy emails with subjects like “It’s Big Ideas Time” in an at... | Continue reading
Are your bra straps constantly sliding off your shoulders? Do they then slither down your arms and swiftly disappear into the silent cornfield, nev... | Continue reading
Two years ago, I was at an all-time low.Sure, I had everything on paper: the dream job, a loving partner, a gorgeous little apartment just a half-... | Continue reading
Folks, we’ve heard your demands for the immediate impeachment of President Donald Trump and we totally understand where you’re coming from. You thi... | Continue reading
Hey you! Look at this sleek piece of branding. This is an ad for a millennial-focused, direct-to-consumer product. Now, you’re going to look at it,... | Continue reading
40-something professional seeks opportunity in an environment that is neither “fun,” “playful,” nor “collaborative;” minimal responsibility preferr... | Continue reading
We’re so glad you could make it! Brad and I couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome our precious little content-generator into the world and see what ... | Continue reading
To: customercare@23andme.comFrom: jonsnow@raven.comSubject: question about my DNA results???Hi,I just received my 23andMe DNA results and I’m n... | Continue reading
How did I become a successful artist?How does lightning find a bottle? How does destiny unfold? Not all extraordinary achievements — like my own —... | Continue reading
“We’re revolutionizing communication.”We’re putting cameras and microphones in your home.“Helping people forge connections.” This app alienates ... | Continue reading
Where did I go wrong? When I was a young backpack fresh off the production line, I was a fearsome sight. Matte black Cordura fabric, reinforced zip... | Continue reading
Have you ever sworn off waste, only to find yourself dragging the cans to the curb once more? If you find yourself backsliding, remember the three ... | Continue reading
Dear colleagues,There is no escaping the widespread dissatisfaction within modern academia. With neoliberal upper management, bloated administrati... | Continue reading
A woman tries to set out on The Hero’s Journey only to find that Joseph Campbell didn’t believe that women take The Hero’s Journey. She must instea... | Continue reading
Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.- - -I tell my k... | Continue reading
America First!The world is a very dangerous place!The country of Iran, as an example, is responsible for a bloody proxy war against Saudi Arabia ... | Continue reading
To the dedicated friend of me,I want to begin by thanking you for your commitment to Friendship over the years.Unfortunately, the model that we h... | Continue reading
Hello, and congratulations on your upcoming 40th birthday! We’re honored that you’re going to stay with our company during your golden years. We b... | Continue reading
In today’s “digital landscape” (a phrase that I came up with by myself), everyone’s personal information is for sale. Internet service providers, s... | Continue reading
Settlers of CatanOn an island with scarce resources, you are quickly isolated in a barren desert (the academic job market). A robber steals your l... | Continue reading
MYTH: You’ll have a workout routine.REALITY: You’ll wake up each morning from unsettling dreams and nothing will calm you until you check Twitter ... | Continue reading
Matt, 26Tall, skinny. Thinks he’s just “lanky.” Likes climbing (indoor), climbing (outdoor), and his dog. When you meet him, he introduces himself... | Continue reading
1. As there is only one winner, it is a cut-throat experience.2. You need to create to survive.3. Appearances matter more than you think... | Continue reading
Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic exc... | Continue reading
I am the very model of a modern-age millennial,I’ve got no cash, no house, no kids, and student debt perennial,I know the rules of Tinder, and I’... | Continue reading
1. The culture is very youth-oriented; the business is populated entirely by men in their early thirties and one appallingly over-qualified unpaid ... | Continue reading
Why eat food? Why not redefine food? Before the opening of my restaurant, I visited a hypnotist and told him to erase the definition of “food” from... | Continue reading
Did you remember to……use a bold, contrarian title that could help the piece go viral, e.g. “The Greatest Threat to America Is the Mindfulness Move... | Continue reading