Sure, maybe you’re cruising way below the speed limit, but those other guys ain’t even moving. Yes, now’s the time to smile and enjoy your few fleeting moments as the fastest game in town. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR BOOK OF AWESOME has just come out! It’s a 432-page hardcover … | Continue reading
Lick and load, people. Yeah, yeah, sure, we ain’t mailing letters much these days but we both know there’s the odd time you’re forced to fold-n-crease a piece of paper and snug it tightly into a envelope for some smoooooooth mailing. Now, if you don’t nail it properly you get a f … | Continue reading
Lick and load, people. Yeah, yeah, sure, we ain’t mailing letters much these days but we both know there’s the odd time you’re forced to fold-n-crease a piece of paper and snug it tightly into a envelope for some smoooooooth mailing. Now, if you don’t nail it properly you get a f … | Continue reading
This is the childhood version of Mr. Fixit. Whether you’re shooting free throws in the driveway, whipping tennis balls at a wall, or tossing frisbees in the park, it always happens, man. Someone tosses it a bit too high, a bit too wobbly, or a bit too wrong direction, and suddenl … | Continue reading
This is the childhood version of Mr. Fixit. Whether you’re shooting free throws in the driveway, whipping tennis balls at a wall, or tossing frisbees in the park, it always happens, man. Someone tosses it a bit too high, a bit too wobbly, or a bit too wrong direction, and suddenl … | Continue reading
You weren’t sure if you were gonna score that cheese-drippy sandwich or crispy hashbrown soaking through the paper sleeve. But you ran in the door and then barely scored a hot and steamy breakfast before the menus flipped, the lights started flashing, and hot burgers started roll … | Continue reading
You weren’t sure if you were gonna score that cheese-drippy sandwich or crispy hashbrown soaking through the paper sleeve. But you ran in the door and then barely scored a hot and steamy breakfast before the menus flipped, the lights started flashing, and hot burgers started roll … | Continue reading
Just slide smoothly into that second skin and get ready to rock the streets with your perfectly wrapped package. Yes, it’s time to shake that booty strong and get your moves on long because you look great, girlfriend. See, we all have that one perfect pair of pants that fits us b … | Continue reading
Just slide smoothly into that second skin and get ready to rock the streets with your perfectly wrapped package. Yes, it’s time to shake that booty strong and get your moves on long because you look great, girlfriend. See, we all have that one perfect pair of pants that fits us b … | Continue reading
Smile and stare out into the glimmery ocean distance as your feet sink and squish into the wet sand at the edge of the waves. Squeeze pockets of drippy beach in your hands and rub your dirty palms together for a mini-massage as the burnt orange sun slowly dips down in the distanc … | Continue reading
Smile and stare out into the glimmery ocean distance as your feet sink and squish into the wet sand at the edge of the waves. Squeeze pockets of drippy beach in your hands and rub your dirty palms together for a mini-massage as the burnt orange sun slowly dips down in the distanc … | Continue reading
Sorry, airplane overhead bin. Maybe next time, basement stairwell ceiling. Catch you later, car trunk latch. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR BOOK OF AWESOME has just come out! It’s a 432-page hardcover full of awesome things like that big morning stretch that loosens your whole bo … | Continue reading
Sorry, airplane overhead bin. Maybe next time, basement stairwell ceiling. Catch you later, car trunk latch. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR BOOK OF AWESOME has just come out! It’s a 432-page hardcover full of awesome things like that big morning stretch that loosens your whole bo … | Continue reading
Swirling seas of milky white twist and twirl like strange and distant galaxies in the far corners of outer space. As you grab a rushed coffee break in the chatty workplace cafeteria or cutlery-clinking dining hall, just stare deeply into your chipped ceramic telescope and enjoy t … | Continue reading
Swirling seas of milky white twist and twirl like strange and distant galaxies in the far corners of outer space. As you grab a rushed coffee break in the chatty workplace cafeteria or cutlery-clinking dining hall, just stare deeply into your chipped ceramic telescope and enjoy t … | Continue reading
Belly buttons means business, buddy. Yes, your innie or outtie is where heaping truckfuls of DNA were dumped into your ittie bittie body when you were a cute little negative-year-old. And of course, as a special thank-you present from those few fetal months of dump-truck deliciou … | Continue reading
We’re all gonna get lumps. We’re all gonna get bumps. Nobody can predict the future but we do know one thing about it: It ain’t gonna go according to plan. Yes, we’ll all have massive highs, big days, and proud moments. Color faded, postcard-streaked blurs will float and flash th … | Continue reading
My friend Chris died last year. He quietly suffered from mental illness for a long time but took great care to ensure everybody around him felt good, felt happy, and never worried about him. Most people didn’t know because his first concern was always how you were feeling, not hi … | Continue reading
My world was spinning in 2008. After finishing school in Boston and going on a cross-country road trip with my friends Chris and Ty, I moved to a dusty suburb to live with my brand new wife in my brand new life. Yes, we got married young, we got married quick, and after living on … | Continue reading
My world was spinning in 2008. After finishing school in Boston and going on a cross-country road trip with my friends Chris and Ty, I moved to a dusty suburb to live with my brand new wife in my brand new life. Yes, we got married young, we got married quick, and after living on … | Continue reading
My mom was born in Nairobi, Kenya in 1950. Growing up the youngest of eight kids in a small house off the downtown core, she was quiet, shy, and always the baby. Her three older brothers received the bulk of the family’s praise, attention, and money for education, while the girls … | Continue reading
Howdy, y’all. As you may have noticed by the pictures up here, The Book of Awesome was recently made available for pre-order. I’m massively pumped about it and wanted to share my stories and my excitement with you this week. Now, over the past year, many folks have mentioned how … | Continue reading
Thanks for the tight squeeze before you hit the road. We’ll miss you too. Later, baby. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR BOOK OF AWESOME has just come out! It’s a 432-page hardcover full of awesome things like when a butterfly lands on that flower right on the edge of the trail you’ … | Continue reading
Etched and sketched into the spider web recesses of our brains are all kinds of cold storage items and garage sale knick-knacks we don’t really use anymore. But once in a while it’s fun to reach back, back, way back, and discover that our creaky treasure chests are holding bits o … | Continue reading
Etched and sketched into the spider web recesses of our brains are all kinds of cold storage items and garage sale knick-knacks we don’t really use anymore. But once in a while it’s fun to reach back, back, way back, and discover that our creaky treasure chests are holding bits o … | Continue reading
The other day my friend Gillian was telling us about the first time her mom used a computer. It was a long time ago, back, back, way back, and the story goes that the whole family was unpacking their new heavy, chunky PC in the middle of the living room. Styrofoam was cracked apa … | Continue reading
This is also known as The Pity Laugh and it somehow manages to save your terrible joke from being a complete bomb. See, now you didn’t serve up a dud that hit dead air. No, no, your humor is just a little high brow and hard to understand, that’s all. AWESOME! My brand new book [… … | Continue reading
If your body starts getting used to that hot water it’s time to crank up the heat to keep the steam coming. Or if you’re in a race against the tank just turn that dial without mercy and get ready to lean back, relax, and sweat it all out. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR […] The po … | Continue reading
There you are holding a dozen eggs behind a guy slow-rolling a fat shopping cart stuffed with frozen pizzas, cases of soda, and piles of produce in plastic bags. But just as your eyes start skimming the tabloid headlines and you steady yourself for a long wait, he peeks back and … | Continue reading
My friend Joey got his face ripped off last week. Yeah, while staring at his cheek in the mirror a few months back he noticed a a small rubbery bump below the surface of his skin. Few months, few phone calls, few appointments later he found himself under the knife in a five-hour … | Continue reading
When this happens it’s like your day is winking at you. It sort of feels like all the mysteries of the world are about to unfold before your eyes as the universe puts up its hand and says “Hey, stop for a second!” Also applies to 11:11. AWESOME! My brand new book OUR BOOK OF […] … | Continue reading
Everybody loves cartoons. Ain’t it fun cuddling up under the blanket or plopping down on the plushy seats and getting absorbed in the tall tales about lost clown fish, tough-talking great white sharks, or Parisian sewer rats with dreams of becoming five-star chefs? Yes, after the … | Continue reading
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Yes, in terms of Kitchen Anticipation not much compares with yanking out a steaming, freeze-chilled carton of cold n’ creamy from the back of the freezer. Bowls hit the table, spoons clink on the countertop, and the carton starts … | Continue reading
Stepping on someone else’s sharp, jabby toenail shard is a painful and disgusting moment. Basically, it has the same creep-out factor as poking a dead bee laying in your windowsill or accidentally crushing a hollow, dusty skull on your tour through the catacombs. Now, on the othe … | Continue reading
It’s just so satisfying to look down at the clumps of hair shards covering the floor of the salon and think to yourself “That just came off of me!” Of course, the runner up to this feeling is when you notice a big hair haystack clinging for dear life onto your slippery nylon apro … | Continue reading
Walk into a grocery store and you’re surrounded by freshly misted lettuce, bubbling lobster tanks, and hot croissants rolling out of the oven. With your pupils dilated and mouth watering, there’s nothing finer than rolling your crookedy-wheel cart by the deli counter and making s … | Continue reading
Peel back that mildewy curtain and let’s get down to business. Freshly soaped and squeaky clean your wet n’ steamy self towels dry and rolls on some Stink-B-Gone deodorant. But just before you pop from the hot steamroom into the goosebumpy hallway, it’s time to stop for a moment … | Continue reading
Sorry, you need my email address? Sure, no problem open house real estate agent, clothing store mailing list, or random membership-required website. Hit me up at idontcheckthisaccount @sorryaboutthat.com AWESOME! Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432 … | Continue reading
Because at that moment you go from a greasy slack-jawed popcorn-kernel-n-sweatpants covered couch potato to a fast-talking screenwriter with sharp eyes, a whizzing mind, and a backup second career. AWESOME! Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page … | Continue reading
Diced tomatoes? Sure, Aisle 6, three quarters of the way back, two shelves below the kidney beans. They’re on sale this week. AWESOME! Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schu … | Continue reading
Okay, you know how good it feels when you peel your socks off at the end of the day? You know how your crinkly leg hairs all get a chance to relax, stretch out, and breathe a sigh of relief? Well, taking out your ponytail is like that times a million. All your hair unbends […] Th … | Continue reading
If your bad back, busted ankle, or bum knee is keeping you off the courts, then get ready to lean back in your desk chair and reminisce about the game you loved… Just crumple that hot inky sheet yanked from the photocopier’s paper-jammed bowels, swivel your desk chair sideways, a … | Continue reading
Peek outside on a snowy afternoon and the world moves in slow motion. Jumbo flakes float to the ground and coat your cracked sidewalks and patchy lawns in a thin blanket of bright white. Winds whisper through the willows as you strap your boots on and bundle up to head outside. M … | Continue reading
Feel that fuzz. Yes, when you toss on a brand new sweatshirt just smile and enjoy the smooth silky softness rubbing against your skin. There are no lint balls, fraying sleeves, or crinkled tags scratching at your neck. It’s just the cottony soft freshness of a brand new friend. O … | Continue reading
Once again your room is at the top of its game. No more tripping on crumpled jeans flowers on your way to the light switch. No more grabbing random sweaters off your desk only to notice streaky mustard stains later in the day. Nope, no more dust bunnies, no more dried-out pudding … | Continue reading
Everyone’s mom’s are a little bit different. But your mom’s are the best. AWESOME! Hey everyone! After a 10-year-awesome hiatus I have a brand new 432-page hardcover BOOK OF AWESOME coming out on December 6, 2022 from Simon&Schuster. It is my tenth book or journal since 2010. I a … | Continue reading
If your friend’s paying for lunch and you accidentally make eye contact with the shiny, mullet-draped face staring at you from her wallet, then it’s time to laugh and peel out your pimply, glasses-covered driver’s license photo as payment. AWESOME! Photo from: here The post #593 … | Continue reading
Cruising home from a friend’s place, driving the kids to school, rolling home on the highway, you smile softly and focus on the road as your head bops to the stereo. Suddenly clouds cover the sky, the air gets heavy, and big drops start pitter-pattering your windshield. Snare dru … | Continue reading