“Pete Hegseth, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Defense Department, faced senators at his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, where he fielded tough questions from Democrats over his views on women in the military and an allegation of sexual assault.” — CBS News, 1/14 … | Continue reading
As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sad. But I cannot help but smile, for we have finally conquered wokeness. There was a time when every “blue” joke would yield a reprima … | Continue reading
“Mark Zuckerberg lamented the rise of ‘culturally neutered’ companies that have sought to distance themselves from ‘masculine energy,’ adding that it’s good if a culture ‘celebrates the aggression a bit more.’” — Financial Review - - - HR now stands for “Hims Repository.” Intra-o … | Continue reading
As we all know, we live in an era of monumental change. We’ve always prided ourselves on being at the forefront of growth, which is why today, we’re thrilled to publicly announce that Mom has been acquired by Omnimomcorp, creating the premier partnership in unconditional love and … | Continue reading
If you’re reading this, you purchased a Snapple manufactured in July of last year. During that time, our computers were down. Since we’re not Dr. Pepper (or Diet Dr. Pepper), we have to rely on fun facts on the undersides of our bottle caps to get people to buy our products. And … | Continue reading
I’ll start with the good news: These are the best years of your life. That’s right. You are currently at your overall happiest, most attractive, and most employable. (You were better looking in your twenties, but you were also a total nutcase.) This brings us to the bad news: Ser … | Continue reading
I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a jam. A series of natural disasters is barreling towards my home, and there is a severe shortage of resources and trained professionals available in my community to help me stave them off. So, I am putting out a call for any available public serv … | Continue reading
Do you know what this gaping, bloody gash needs? Some hydrogen peroxide from the back of my linen closet that expired five years ago. I will wash the oozing cut with warm water and soap to make sure it’s clean. Then I will dump this rancid old chemical into the open meat of my ha … | Continue reading
Q: I haven’t heard anything since my final interview. Who should I contact? A: Damn, that’s crazy. Wow. Q: How long will it take to hear back? A: It will take some time. (If you’re successful.) Q: And what if I’m unsuccessful? A: You will know if you’re unsuccessful. Q: How? A: Y … | Continue reading
Look, I get it. You thought what you posted was innocuous. Still, did you stop to think about everyone who has ever lived and how it could make them feel? I know, I know—all you did was share your chili recipe, but did you consider the people who don’t like chili? The people who … | Continue reading
“Trump threatens ‘economic force’ to make Canada ‘51st State’ after PM resignation.” — The Independent - - - America, you know Canada as your hat. We’d like to keep it that way. As you may be aware, Donald Trump has been flirting with illegal expansionist fantasies again. They in … | Continue reading
Do people doubt your driving abilities? A. Yes, I’m still earning trust as a new mode of transportation. B. Yes, I’m still up against long-held stereotypes and tired stand-up routines. Do strangers ever gawk at you or comment on your appearance? A. Yes, usually in response to my … | Continue reading
One of the many pleasures of Carol Moldaw’s seventh collection, Go Figure, is its fidelity to description. “Bulbous ropes of kelp,” begins the poem “Northern California.” “Sandstone sea-break cliffs” and “A bluff of salt-pocked Monterey cypresses / twisted in the same configurati … | Continue reading
I know the first trimester sucks, but don’t worry—it gets better. You should really look forward to the second trimester. - - - In the second trimester, the nausea lifts. You won’t hate the smell of your husband’s breath. You’ll be able to enjoy all the foods you couldn’t in your … | Continue reading
For years, we Democrats have been reminding you that Donald Trump is a danger to democracy and a scourge on our nation. His election back into our highest office is a terrifying, perhaps fatal turning point in American history. He will bring about a backslide from which we may ne … | Continue reading
DREW: This house has been run down since the ‘70s. We’re hoping we can help it get its groove back! JONATHAN: That’s right. We’re going to give this fixer-upper a big boost of curb appeal. GEORG: Why do you avert your eyes? Can you tell that I am nude beneath my velvet cloak? - - … | Continue reading
California sober: No alcohol or drugs except marijuana New York sober: No alcohol or drugs except cocaine Kentucky sober: No alcohol or drugs except a cool, tall mint julep on a sweltering July afternoon Oregon sober: No alcohol if it’s not an IPA Texas sober: No alcohol except e … | Continue reading
“New year, new you,” they say. Well, Project 2025 is going to make what’s new actually really fucking old. Like listeria- and child labor-old. The country went for some Grover Cleveland shit, and you know what? We, the People, can play that game. This New Year, it’s time to roll … | Continue reading
Originally published December 31, 2018. - - - 1. Learn to play the pianoforte moderately well. Stick to duets. 2. Stop taking long walks in the rain while underdressed. 3. Throw out the expired smelling salts. Replace promptly. 4. Avoid rakes with jaunty names that start with W. … | Continue reading
- - - Thanks to all our contributors this year. On to 2025! - - - 24. We Are Not a ‘School’—We Are a Hospital System with a Football Team by Andrew Patrick Clark 23. I Am a Boomer’s iPhone and I Will Not Be Silenced by Julia Bensfield Luce 22. Deciphering Your Daughter’s ‘MOM’ Te … | Continue reading
Dear friends, Over twenty-six beautiful years, McSweeney’s has been reaching for the unexpected and the impossible—books written by rarely heard voices and magazines created with elegant materials unlike any others. We believe that readers—and all of us—benefit from the thrill of … | Continue reading
- - - We’re counting down our twenty-four most-read articles of 2024. Check back daily for updates to the list, as we make our way to number one. Happy Holidays! - - - 24. We Are Not a ’School’—We Are a Hospital System with a Football Team by Andrew Patrick Clark 23. I Am a Boome … | Continue reading
A brilliant star hangs above a stable in Bethlehem, like a giant Google Maps pin. The three kings arrive. “We have brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh, gifts befitting the King of the Jews,” declared Melchior, bowing to the Holy Family. “Actually…” said Balthazar. “Oh, no,” rep … | Continue reading
“I’m Dreaming of a Light Sickness” “All I Want for Christmas Is You… to Acknowledge Receipt of the Referral I’ve Sent in Fourteen Damn Times Now” “I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze” “Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus” “God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For Twenty-Four … | Continue reading
About The Job The Maccabees are a small, start-up militia charged with defending the holy temple from the invading Greek army. Our rockstar candidate should be a motivated, goal-oriented self-starter, because we don’t have the bandwidth or manpower for micromanaging. You’ll be le … | Continue reading
(With thanks to Dr. Henry Gorman) - - - Aristotle: Be good for goodness’ sake. Plato: To be “good” or “nice” is to cultivate one’s knowledge of Santa and to choose actions that make him happy. For these purposes, “Santa” can be defined as a bearded featherless biped in a red suit … | Continue reading
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - To order a real-live version of this calendar directly from the artist, click here. | Continue reading
Dear Sarah, What—and I cannot stress this enough—dafuq? That could be the whole letter, as it really captures the essence of the white-hot, slightly horny rage I feel every time I watch you cockblock yourself with that fucking Nokia, but I honestly feel bad for you, so I’ll spell … | Continue reading
(A production office. PRODUCER 1 sits at a desk. Enter PRODUCER 2.) PRODUCER 1: Take a seat. You said you have something Christmassy for me? PRODUCER 2: Strap in, buddy. This one’s gonna be a doozy. PRODUCER 1: Ha! Can’t wait. PRODUCER 2: Okay, so: Curtain up. It’s Christmas Eve. … | Continue reading
It was Christmas in Whoville, time for roast beast and cake. As the sole home insurer, I earned this long break. Finally, a day without contracts or quotes— just presents, and wreaths, and big winter coats. So imagine my shock when my phone started ringing, with claims pouring in … | Continue reading
Lewis began by conveying appreciation to the upper management team for the way they had all rallied together despite the unpleasantness of recent events and expressed he was more confident than ever in the future of the company. It was, however, time to move on to the next era of … | Continue reading
It’s not too late. This holiday, we have the perfect—and most meaningful—gift for the reader who has it all in your life: a charitable gift in their honor. Give before December 25, and it will be matched and go twice as far! We’ve been given an amazing early gift: five anonymous … | Continue reading
Yoga for Young Adults Who Did Something Weird to Their Backs Fifteen-Minute Yoga for the Modern Woman Who Spent the First Ten Minutes of Her Free Time Having a Panic Attack (Actually Only Five Minutes of Yoga) The Exact Amount of Yoga You Need to Do to Tick That Box Where You Can … | Continue reading
I start this game of cat and mouse when you least expect it: You’ve swiped right to search for an unused app on your phone that you’re convinced you have somewhere. I lure you in with my headline: “Oolong Tea Is Having Extreme Effects on Health.” Yeah, I knew you’d be interested. … | Continue reading
If your tree isn’t pre-lit, you might want to be. Divide and conquer. One adult can dole out hot chocolate and cookies to keep the children occupied while the other adult unpacks the decorations that were crammed into boxes last February 23 without even a passing nod to organizat … | Continue reading
We listen and we don’t judge. LADY MACBETH: I hate it when you introduce me as your “Dearest partner of greatness.” What’s wrong with “wife”? We listen and we don’t judge. MACBETH: I know I said, “Bring forth men-children only,” but I’ve always dreamed of being a Girl Dad. We lis … | Continue reading
OPINION GUEST ESSAY by EBENEEZER SCROOGE Mr. Scrooge is the chief executive officer of Scrooge and Marley. - - - I know the headline suggests you are about to read some necessary, real-world proposals to reform the predatory accounting, money-lending, and debt-collection industry … | Continue reading
Can I be vulnerable with you for a second? I always believed we’d get back together. Smallpox thought I was nuts. He kept telling me, “You’re delusional, bro.” Rinderpest was similarly down about it. “They literally eradicated you.” I’m like, maybe look in the mirror when you say … | Continue reading
Look, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not a selfish guy. I’m all for my employees discovering themselves and finding true love. The first time one of my top correspondents emailed out of the blue to say she’d decided to move to a tiny mountain town and take over a struggling … | Continue reading
How director Mani Ratnam managed to adapt Ponniyin Selvan, a 2,500-page serialized historical epic and one of the bestselling Tamil novels of all time. - - - Dear Believers, come gather ’round the flames of the hearth as I spin the adventurous tale of Kalki Krishnamurthy—shameles … | Continue reading
At Emers & Totch architectural firm, we specialize in arches. Not just any arches, but big arches. Monument arches. Think of the Gateway Arch: that kind of arch. No, we did not build the Gateway Arch, but that is the kind of arch we’re talking about. And we want to build an arch … | Continue reading
Every year, we pick someone to be our Person of the Year, and we put their face on the cover of our magazine. It’s, like, the big thing you know about us. And look, some years we pick incredible people. Folks who have lived their lives for the good of humanity: whistleblowers, si … | Continue reading
Eight strangers sit in a circle of folding chairs, dressed in various interpretations of business casual. JIGSAW: Rise and shine, conference-goers. You’re probably wondering where you are. I’ll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room you die in. Or the Rose Room at … | Continue reading
My name: Burnt Pepperidge. My profession: winning. I stand at the starting line and survey the obstacle course like a snake surveys a nest of bird eggs. My body is the serpent. The Wipeout obstacles are my bird eggs. Prepare, obstacles. Prepare to be gobbled up by my hungry snake … | Continue reading
I choose optimism. Yes, they want to dismantle the DOE, increase censorship, and take money from already underfunded public schools to give to private schools, but maybe they’re too incompetent to accomplish all that right away. Maybe the wrestling lady will only last one or two … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Mrs. McCallister, In 1990, I was about the same age as your son Kevin, and he and I we … | Continue reading
DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas? DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies. DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking? DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand. DESIGNER 1: How about ha … | Continue reading