Hang Out with Me, a Teacher, Before Summer Is Gone

Summer is coming to an end, and you know what that means…It’s your LAST CHANCE to socialize with me, a first-grade teacher, before I start setting... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Douglas Kearney

Douglas Kearney is known for a poetry that aims to refuse rules and assumptions except for those he invents or consents to. An impossible ideal tha... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Details Regarding Timothy’s Moby-Dick-Themed Bar Mitzvah

Timothy is becoming a man on October 18, 2021. He has a sober understanding of what this means. As Timothy’s father, Dr. Nagle, PhD, and I have bee... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m the Badass New Teacher at This High School, and This Is My MasterClass

August On day one, be seen taking your students out for a walk. Send a message. The message is: Here I am. Also: This is not a big deal. When yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Sessions at the First Annual National Women’s Menopause Conference

This Girl Is on Fire: Tapping the Secret Power of Temperature DysregulationHere Come the Scarves: Flattering Fashions for Your New NeckMood-surfi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Little House Books, Revised So They Aren’t So Racist

Deep in the woods of Pepin, Wisconsin, a little girl named Laura Ingalls lived with her Ma, Pa, sister Mary, and Baby Carrie. When Uncle Sam said t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Jeopardy! Board for Determining Who Should Be the Next Host of Jeopardy!

“Mike Richards, the executive producer of ‘Jeopardy!’ who was tapped to succeed Alex Trebek as host of the venerable game show franchise, announced... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Short Conversations with Poets: Yusef Komunyakaa

Yusef Komunyakaa has a gift for naming unexpected likenesses, and also a gift for endings, and the two things converge in a poem like “Bedazzled”:... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Advice for Writers Dating Non-Writers

So you’re a writer who’s just been dumped by a writer—the fourth one in three years—and you’ve decided to make a change. No more writers for you! W... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

2021 Parenting Back-to-School Bingo

2021 Parenting Back-to-School Bingo | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Dorothy Parker Sayings, Revised for Parenting a Teenage Boy

What fresh hell is this under your bed?Brevity is the soul of the conversations you have with me.The cure for boredom is curiosity. So, for the l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

H.P. Lovecraft Writes Olive Garden’s Dinner Menu

Fried CalamariTendrils crusted in grit assail my palate. Begotten of the sea, yet containing the essence of a carnival. Fried and without end. At... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Every Album by [Artist/Band], Ranked from Worst to Best

The Complete CatastropheThere’s no arguing this one. Quite what [artist/band] was thinking when [pronoun] recorded this travesty is a mystery for ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

For Sale: Cardboard Moving Boxes—FREE—Pickup Only

I have 39 moving boxes that I need gone. Take them all, and they’re FREE. Leave me with 5 or less and they’re $10. Leave me with 6–10 and t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The “Snake Fight” Portion of Your Thesis Defense

Q: Do I have to kill the snake? A: University guidelines state that you have to “defeat” the snake. There are many ways to accomplish this. Lots o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Big Space Company Welcomes You Aboard Your First Commercial Space Flight

Hello! Welcome to your first and final flight to space.Let me be the first to say that it has been so, so sad that Earth has been ravaged by war, ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Legal Compensation for Straight Women on Dating Apps

This July, Bumble settled a lawsuit brought by a man that claimed the app’s “ladies swipe first” policy discriminated against male users. In additi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to the Architect Who Invented Open-Concept Floor Plans

Dear Architect,Welcome to my home! I hate it.See, I’m no maximalist, but I’m kind of a sucker for walls. They leave a little something to the ima... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Are Definitely Going Back to Normal Right Now. Maybe

Dear Colleagues:I hope that you and everyone you know or have ever known is safe. As you are likely aware, the COVID-19 pandemic has upended our l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Phishing Emails No ’90s Kid Can Resist

From: Ty@gmail.comSubject: Your Beanie Babies may be worth millions! Find out how much you could earn TODAY!Does Platti the Platypus still have h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Excerpts from McSweeney’s Quarterly: The Acorn

This piece originally appeared in McSweeney’s 57. To get stories like this at your doorstep four times a year, subscribe to the Quarterly today. -... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How Could You Erase Twenty Years of Progress by Removing That Last Jenga Block?

“20 Years of Defense, Erased by the Taliban in a Few Months” — Headline from the New York Times, 8/14/21- - -Wow. This is disastrous. After twent... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Carlos Santana’s “Smooth,” Featuring Rob Thomas and Charles Bukowski

It was a hot afternoon. The sun seemed seven inches away. My apartment was acrid and smelled like piss. I lurched over to the other room and found ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Geometric Hall of Shame

Before they are released into the world to terrorize ninth graders, shapes must pass a rigorous examination and trial period under the prestigious ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Variations of the “Marco Polo” Pool Game Based on Other Explorers

Leif ErikssonThe person with his eyes closed wears a gigantic horned helmet. He’s easily able to find the other swimmers because they won’t stop c... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Will Buying These Expensive Pants Change My Life?

Things haven’t exactly been going great for me right now. I’ve hit the age where, when you tell people you’re single, they no longer exclaim, “Let ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Anonymous Letter Defending Alec Baldwin’s Defense of Andrew Cuomo That Was Definitely Not Written by Alec Baldwin

“Alec Baldwin described New York governor Andrew Cuomo’s shock resignation on Tuesday as ‘tragic’ and appeared to suggest that so-called ‘cancel cu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Oedipus Learns of the Term “Oedipus Complex”

Wow. A guy accidentally murders his father and has sex with his mother a few hundred times, and all of a sudden he’s got a “complex.” Super cool, t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m Resigning Because the Response to My Box of Scorpions Has Become a Distraction

A week after the state attorney general found he sexually harassed multiple women, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo said in his resignation speech that h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

As a Body-Positive Swimsuit Brand, We Refuse to Retouch Our Already Flawless Models

At True2U, we believe all bodies are beach bodies. Our company stands for female empowerment. We want our customers to feel confident in their own ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Hi, I Am a Woman Who Relishes in My Resolve to Contribute to Declining Birthrates

When I was a little girl my dream was to populate the Earth. While the Earth did seem to already have a population, I wished to fill my country, th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Studio Notes on the UN Climate Report

Okay, first off, we LOVE the new report. It’s big, it’s bold, it’s scary. Really going to freak people out. Bravo. It’s practically perfect—we just... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Why Yes, I Did Grow a Hawk Beak During the Pandemic

Do you like it? It’s been so long since we’ve all seen each other in the school pickup line without our masks! Renee, your Invisalign came out grea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Excerpts from The 48 Laws of Power…for Cats

You may have seen The 48 Laws of Power on your human housemate’s bedside table and wondered whether you could pick up any tricks. Alas, it was writ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Actually, Compared with Earth, Hell’s Climate Policies Are Super Progressive

“We are turning our only home into an uninhabitable hell for millions of people.” —United Nations“Record-setting heat wave shows that climate chan... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

FAQ for Rushing Delta Delta Variant

Have you herd?! It’s almost time for fall sorority and fraternity recruitment, cuties! If you’re rushing Delta Delta Variant this year, below you’l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Hello, Society: I’m a Woman and I Want to Warn You That I Might Have Aged This Past Year

Long time no see, Society. Listen, I’ve spent more money on skincare products in the past year than in any other period in my entire life. Why? Wel... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Will Do Anything to Get You to Work for Us Except Pay You Enough

Please come work for us. We’ll do anything. We’ll give you free parking. We’ll give you 10 percent off in-store purchases. We’ll give you company s... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am a QR Code and I Am Here to Stay

Like many innovations, I was at first misunderstood. Some called me ugly. Advertising executives laughed in my face. The bullying hurt, but I had a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Van Holten’s Pickle-Ice Flavored Freeze Pop

Pickle-Ice Flavored Freeze Pops are, horrifyingly, exactly what they sound like. Van Holten’s—a company known for making the sloshy, individually p... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Appreciate When Men Interrupt Me Even If I’m Trying to Tell Them There’s a Fire

As a woman working in corporate America, I used to hate when men would interrupt me. But as I’ve progressed in my career, my mouth has shut and my ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jesus Needs His Own Cinematic Universe

In a room hidden behind a bookcase are a fireman’s pole and enough foosball tables to conjure enough writerly thoughts for several stars to be born... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am a Female Character in a Fantasy Movie, and It Is Integral to the Plot That I Be Topless

Well done, traveler: you’ve found me. Whether by siege, quest, prophecy, or a series of flashbacks juxtaposed with low-angle shots of a sad tree, I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to My Thirty-Plus-Year-Old Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,It’s been a swell thirty-some years carting you gals around. I don’t have many complaints, but I do have one suggestion: I’d love for... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Dean of Students Clarifies the University’s COVID Guidelines for the Upcoming Semester

Hello students!With the deadline to submit proof of your COVID vaccine just around the corner, we would like to update you with some exciting news... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Apologize for Claiming Critical Race Theory Will Make Your Children Sacrifice Their Classmates to Satan

Dear readers,Here at the The True America Institute, we hold ourselves to the highest standards of accuracy and integrity in our communications. T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Retelling of Snow White in Which It’s Clear That the Mirror Meant “Fair” as in “Very Pale”

Once upon a time, there was a queen who was known as a “wicked stepmother,” although she was actually just misunderstood. It wasn’t easy ruling ful... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

As an Indigenous Person, Here Are Some Land Acknowledgments I Hope Never Happen


Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for a Luxury Condominium Building in Palo AltoThank you for gathering here at the site of a what will be a state-of-the-a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago