I’m Sorry I Haven’t Graded Your Essays Yet — I’ve Been Busy Living Under Late-Stage Capitalism During a Global Pandemic

Dear students of WR112 – Personal Writing,I apologize for the delay in returning your graded personal essays. As you may or may not be aware, I am... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Beer Is Proof

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — quote often misattributed to Benjamin Franklin. (His original line was probably about... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Only Acceptable Form of Free Speech Is Giving Me Money

“My warning, if you will, to corporate America is to stay out of politics,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, who has long argued that corporate donations... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Is Your Child Practicing the Recorder, or Are Winged Harpies from the Seventh Circle of Hell Tormenting You from Within Your Own Home?

1. What was once a beautiful creature has suddenly transformed into a vicious, cruel monster with lovely hair.2. Its presence makes all living cre... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Cancel Culture Has Gotten Out of Control, Which Is Why I’m Canceling My MLB TV Subscription

“Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson led rightwing backlash after Major League Baseball said it would not play its All-Star game in Georgia because of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

“Thank You for Coming”: A Remembrance of the Gratitude and the Gorgeousness of Public Readings

The first public literary reading I ever gave was at Manhattan’s Le Poisson Rouge for a now-defunct magazine’s issue showcase. I was 21 years old a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We’re Stepping Away from Banking to Focus on Pens

As president of TD Bank, I manage $1.7 trillion in assets, but the only thing that brings me joy is our little plastic pens. Cash is a social const... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m the Mechanic Who Built the Magic School Bus, and I Am Tired of Ms. Frizzle Getting All the Credit

I’m proud of my work as an auto mechanic, and nothing gets me more excited than souping up a ride for somebody. Normally, the satisfaction of a job... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Brood X or Gen X?

“In May, a swarm of billions of cicadas known as Brood X will emerge from the earth after hibernating for the past 17 years.” — Slate- - -1. S... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Every HOA Ordinance Violated in the Song “Our House” by Madness

“Our house, in the middle of our street.”Dear Homeowners: As you may have noticed, our development constructed a new roadway surrounding your home... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Leaked Emails from Simon Peter to Members of the Alpha Omega Fraternity

FROM: Simon Peter (simon.peter@alphaomega.org)TO: All MembersDATE: Wednesday, March 25, 33SUBJECT: Message from the Boss: NAILED IT!!Hey team!... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How to Manage Anxiety Around Reentering Society After Your Crucifixion and Resurrection

Give Yourself a BreakStart by naming and acknowledging the trauma: you’ve suffered, been crucified, died, been buried, and descended to hell. Now ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

For the Record, We Aren’t Too Crazy About Moses Either

When Moses showed up out of nowhere to shepherd “the Chosen People” out of Egypt, I had a sinking feeling that we Jews were once again “chosen” for... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Party of Family Values Would Like to Expand the Definition of “Family” and Also of “Values”

“Federal investigators are examining whether Rep. Matt Gaetz engaged in a relationship with a woman that began when she was 17 years old and whethe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am the Court Stenographer at the Derek Chauvin Trial and I Am Coming Unhinged

This trial still has weeks to go, but I am already at my breaking point. I narrowed down my career options to court stenographer and dental hygieni... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Ugh, Really, a 4th Wave? Kind of Feels Like COVID Was Meant to Be a Trilogy, No?

Ugh, really? Across the United States, cases have started rising… again? A new, more transmissible and deadly variant has established itself (tell ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Six-Hundred Years of History Explained by April Fools’ Day

“April Fools’ Day… dates back several centuries to the Middle Ages.” — WorldHistory.us- - -April 1, 1424: A woman in Edinburgh serves her no-good ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Captivity-to-Workplace Reintroduction Program

PreparationWhile vaccinations are underway and offices are preparing to reopen their doors, management nationwide faces a great challenge: how to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Horror Icons in Quarantine: One Year In

Jason VoorheesMr. Voorhees has long been a proponent of masking and is considered a public health folk hero. When not taking long, contemplative w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Am I a Twitter Bot or a Real Amazon Employee? The Answer is Yes!

“Have you noticed a strange army of Amazon employees on Twitter recently, claiming that Amazon doesn’t engage in union-busting and disputing storie... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

It’s Me, the Diner Who Never Tips, and I’m Absolutely Thrilled Your Restaurant Is Reopening

Our stars have finally aligned! Indoor dining is coming back, and a well-deserved stimulus payment is in my bank account. So I’m putting on pants a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Lil Nas X’s Music Video “Montero” Offended Me So Deeply I’ve Spent the Last Three Days Watching It Over and Over Again

When Lil Nas X released his music video for the song “Montero (Call Me By Your Name),” I was shocked by his Satan-worshipping nonsense. As a straig... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Support Restrictions on Constitutional Rights If They Prevent Something Dangerous from Happening, Like Too Many Black People Voting

“Republicans in Georgia sped a sweeping elections bill into law Thursday, making it the first presidential battleground to impose new voting restri... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

New and Improved Updates to Slack

We changed the notification sound to a man screaming into the ocean.We added a helpful bot that will automatically remind you each morning that yo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Spring Is Here! We’re Going to Have to Change Out of Our Sweatpants Now, Aren’t We?

Buds on trees. Flowers sprouting. A wholesome breeze, as best we can tell, from the hygienic confines of our shuttered apartment windows. Stopping ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Four Questions, Modified for Another Passover in Quarantine

Why is this night in quarantine different from all other nights in quarantine?On all other nights, we stuff our faces with leavened or breaded foo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Matzo, Rebranded

- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Excerpt from My New Anxiety Dream Where I’m Blocking the Suez Canal

“The massive container ship Ever Given has been stuck in the Suez Canal for three days, halting billions of dollars in trade as vessels pile up at ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

All the Things That Got Me to Where I Am Today: The Phase 1c Vaccination Group

1. Being picked last for every game of kickball in elementary school.2. The time I took a kickball to the face in elementary school.3. Every elem... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Flannery O’Connor Absolutely Ruins Your Favorite Stories from Childhood

Paddington Bear“I’m Paddington. I’m from Darkest Peru. Where are you from?”The bible salesman took off his hat and stepped in out of the July hea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Wesley Brown, Author of Tragic Magic

- - -Wesley Brown’s 1978 novel, Tragic Magic, edited by Toni Morrison, is the first novel in McSweeney’s Of the Diaspora series, edited by Erica V... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Unsolicited Texts I Get from White Allies

As an Asian person, it’s comforting to know that, in difficult times, white allies will always be there to message me whatever they want. Here are ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

FAQs About the New MLA Handbook, Ninth Edition

How should I structure my article’s title?The only acceptable structure for an article title is “Kind of Clever and Dated Pop Culture Reference: J... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Scene from Flowers in the Attic or from My Past Year in Quarantine?

1. I am sequestered in a room against my will with needy family members.2. My world is ruled by cruel and powerful people who determine my... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Paul Simon’s Roommate Responds to His Grocery List

Are you going to Scarborough Faire?Yeah, I was planning on it. You want me to pick something up for you?Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.Okay,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Dear Dr. Fauci, It’s Almost Passover Again and I Have More Questions

Dear Dr. Fauci,Who knew I’d be writing another letter — remember how we thought all this mishigas was only going to last a few months? Now here we... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Only Way to Prevent Car Crashes Is More Cars

“The Colorado attack is the 7th mass shooting in 7 days in the US.”— CNN, March 23, 2021- - -Everyone seems to be talking about all the car crash... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Only Way to Prevent Car Accidents Is More Cars

“The Colorado attack is the 7th mass shooting in 7 days in the US.”— CNN, March 23, 2021- - -Everyone seems to be talking about all the car accid... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Falcon’s GoFundMe Page

“’The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ provides an answer on who’s paying the Avengers, and the answer is: no one… Basically, the superpowered people... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

What Your Favorite Stephen Sondheim Song Says About You

“The Ladies Who Lunch” (Company): You consider yourself to be “above” social media but are addicted to it nonetheless. You’re still incensed over h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

By God! This Is Simply a Gorgeous Crevasse

I say, gentlemen, are you seeing this crevasse? What an absolutely perfect specimen.Of course, I’d heard tell of such wonders from members of the ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Our Second Zoom Seder Is Coming Up, and It’s Definitely Going to Suck

Well, it’s that time of year again, and we hope you can join us for our second annual Zoom Seder. That’s right: another Zoom Seder. You thought we ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

24 Surprising Ways to Injure Yourself When You’re Over 50

1. Taking off your half-zip sweater.2. Nodding vigorously as your teen explains cryptocurrency.3. Reaching through a car window to retrieve your ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Alfred Pennyworth Gives Gotham School Children a Tour of the Batcave

Hello, Mrs. Cherry’s 5th-grade class. I am Batman’s butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Welcome to the inaugural Batcave Tour for Gotham’s School Children. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy March Madness: Key Matchups in the NCAA Little Women Tournament

Meg vs. BethKnown as the sizzling hot sister, Meg March specializes in getting good looks and her outside game is unstoppable. She moves well with... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Editorial Template for Every Time a White Person Commits an Atrocious Crime

“A Georgia sheriff’s commander was widely criticized Wednesday after he seemed to provide an excuse for the man arrested in the shooting deaths of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Guys, I Swear I’m Only Transitioning So I Can Cheat at Girls’ Sports

“The sports bill, passed by one [Missouri] House committee last week and awaiting a vote in another, proposes a constitutional amendment requiring ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Atlanta Massage Parlor Shooting Headlines for Fragile White People

Female Asian Massage Parlor Workers Tragically Perish Due to Unwise Career ChoiceLocal Christian Carried Away in Righteous Crusade Against Houses ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago