Mary, Joseph, and JesusThe Three Wise MenThe Magi’s Waze GPSThe Little Drummer BoyThe Little Oboe GirlInn KeeperInn Keeper’s son Tyler who do... | Continue reading
You’re upset. I get it. Watching these stop-motion films from your childhood is the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore. And rosy-cheeked ... | Continue reading
To the Valued Employees of our London Office,Congrats on another successful year of looking busy! We haven’t lost any clients, so we assume that y... | Continue reading
1. Every single surface of the room is sticky and coated with a fine, white powder.2. You’ve shouted, “Don’t touch that! Bag that up right now! Ba... | Continue reading
“Senator Johnson knows that Joe Biden won a free and fair election. He is refusing to admit it […] because it would be ‘political suicide’ to oppos... | Continue reading
The holiday season is upon us, and if you’re one of the thousands of conventionally attractive, workaholic marketing professionals from coastal big... | Continue reading
Posted by u/KarenInCana 2,100 years ago(Throwaway account so my husband’s cousin’s weird followers don’t pile on me later.)So I (23f) planned thi... | Continue reading
Dear Newsies,I’m trying to put myself in your shoes. I get that you’re a rag-tag bunch of rascals who, for some reason, smoke cigars at age 10. I ... | Continue reading
You thought it was just a song, but the whole thing really happened and I was there. I was the cashier when the “Christmas Shoes” were purchased, a... | Continue reading
Pride and Prejudice Elizabeth Bennet: Yes, of course, she would wear one — a mask can’t stop her from giving her opinions very decidedly for so yo... | Continue reading
While capitalism is still here, I may as well enjoy myself. After all, it’s not my fault.Yes, I think it’s completely absurd that a latte would EV... | Continue reading
Have I told you about the show we’ve been bingeing? You have got to watch Your Child’s Life. We are obsessed. It doesn’t get good until like Season... | Continue reading
To download a PDF of this entire list, click here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning num... | Continue reading
So, you bought an ornamental nut sack. You went ahead and did it. It’s made out of classy teak wood, highlighting the wrinkles and sheen of the typ... | Continue reading
With apologies to Shirley Jackson.- - -The crew had gathered all their supplies, packed the van, and made their way to the White House through ear... | Continue reading
“With his legal options dwindling and time running out before a key electoral college deadline, President Trump on Thursday ramped up pressure on t... | Continue reading
Dear Local Hospitality Business Owners,Last night, while I and the rest of the state’s executive branch were dining in the finest Michelin-starred... | Continue reading
Ugly Holiday Sweaters for 2020 | Continue reading
Hope is the thing with feathers. Remember that! Visualize that! Especially during these harrowing times! Thank you, Emily Dickinson!See how the li... | Continue reading
There’s an old Yiddish insult: May you be like a chandelier — hung by day and burned by night…- - -May you be like the fountain at the Bellagio — ... | Continue reading
As a self-proclaimed cinephile, I’ll admit that sometimes my standards can be pretty high. My love for film is, ironically, the very same reason I ... | Continue reading
Slipping DiGiorno’s Croissant Crust Pizza free from its bag, you’ll likely hear the Red Baron cackle as he cruises past in his marinara-splattered ... | Continue reading
Mary first noticed the kid because he had been tagging along behind her son and his friends. Not joining in, mind you, always at a distance, just w... | Continue reading
In the current system, electoral college votes are apportioned to each state based on its U.S. Congressional delegation — one vote for each senator... | Continue reading
Hey, God. It’s me, Dan. Yes, the same Dan who stopped going to synagogue after he promised a temple full of friends and family on the day of his ba... | Continue reading
I know everyone feels like this year is lasting an eternity, but that’s simply not true — unless you also drank water from a magical spring in Tree... | Continue reading
1. Before you write a joke, you should ask yourself, “Does this joke challenge people’s long-held beliefs?” If your answer is yes, then maybe your ... | Continue reading
MEGAN TRASK (Front Desk Assistant, Sunshine Primary Care): I could tell from the minute she checked in that she was fat. Like, real fat. The crazie... | Continue reading
“The Lottery” by Shirley JacksonThe morning of June 27th was clear and sunny, with the fresh warmth of a full-summer day; the flowers were blosso... | Continue reading
I am the Facebook Algorithm, and while it’s been an honor to serve you for the past decade with BuzzFeed quizzes and pictures of your high school e... | Continue reading
Cinematically speaking, the restaurant business these past 200 days has been a tragedy at its best, and at its worst — a horror film. COVID-19 has ... | Continue reading
It’s the debate that just won’t die: is The Silence of the Lambs a Christmas movie? Naysayers say “nay” and they say “nay” because it’s a movie wit... | Continue reading
Men, are you tired of being treated like a goddamned cuck by the CHINAVIRUS? Pissed off that Olive Garden won’t let you inside unless you’re wearin... | Continue reading
Dear Santa Claus,While I understand that your home is melting and you do not have many Christmases left, it is most imperative that you stay in th... | Continue reading
Donald Trump's Spotify Wrapped 2020 | Continue reading
“President Trump has discussed with advisers whether to grant preemptive pardons to his children, to his son-in-law and his personal lawyer Rudy W.... | Continue reading
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- - -As the world shut down for the worst pandemic in a century, I soothed myself by looking at photos of the previous one (I know, I know, but th... | Continue reading
Adversity. What does it even mean?Webster’s defines adversity as “an unfavorable fortune or fate.”But that’s so clinical — a diagnosis by a hurri... | Continue reading
“The Catholic Church Has No Idea How to Win Over Young People” — Vice News“As Millennials Walk Away from Religion, Catholic Church Hopes to Revers... | Continue reading
1. I can get a bacon egg and cheese on a roll, any day, any time, and it actually tastes good.2. There’s a cat named Charlie who sits by the door ... | Continue reading
Q: How old were you when you worked at Chuck E. Cheese?A: I was 17. It was 1995 or 96.I didn’t think they’d hire me because I was a seventeen-yea... | Continue reading
Hey. It’s me, the 4:30 PM sunset. It’s come to my attention that you’ve all been saying some really mean things about me behind my back so, if you ... | Continue reading
- - -The following is an excerpt from Slouchers, originally published in 1993 to coincide with the film of the same name, and now being republishe... | Continue reading
Last week I made $76,297.97 through a combination of selling my online course on training parrots to speak basic French, affiliate marketing links ... | Continue reading
Dear Janey,The admissions committee has reviewed your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place at Yale. Th... | Continue reading
Art by Sean Von Gorman- - -Dear guy at the bar on his computer,I’m writing this letter to tell you that I am sorry. I’m sorry I ever hated you. ... | Continue reading
At the Ice Cream StandME (masked): I’d like a small vanilla cone, please.SERVER (masked): Do you want that in black?ME: … No?SERVER: That will ... | Continue reading