For the Voter Who Has Voices In Her Head

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Internal Memo: First Female Leader Announced to Run My Life

Attention Staff:The Board of My Life is pleased to share an announcement regarding a change of leadership. For the first time in 31 years, My Life... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Nancy Matson, Semi-Pro Poker Player

- - -Q: You make money playing poker. How did it start?A: In a way, I was part of the wave that started in 2003. That’s considered the beginning ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m a Principled Republican Senator and I’m Suddenly Troubled By the Current State of Politics

“I have stayed quiet with the approach of the election, but I’m troubled by our politics, as it has moved away from spirited debate to a vile, vitu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Only Good Films Are the Ones the Internet Has to Explain to You, According to Me, a Guy Who Took One Film Class in College

Hey. I hear you think you have pretty good taste in movies. That’s not your fault. Maybe you’ve never been told any different. That’s why I, a guy ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m a Conservative Feminist, and I Believe You Should Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps and Open That Jar Yourself

Some people don’t think that conservative feminists exist, but that’s just not true. We’re strong, proud, and as loud as our husbands allow. I beli... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Looks for Bipartisanship

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Greetings from the Only Other Black Person In the Cult You Just Joined

Salutations Fellow Black Initiate,I saw your picture in the stack of members set to join us in rural Pennsylvania, and I wanted to reach out to sa... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

As a Republican Senator, I Stand With Democracy Activists in Hong Kong, Belarus, and Other Countries That Aren’t the United States

“Democracy isn’t the objective; liberty, peace, and prosperity are. We want the human condition to flourish. Rank democracy can thwart that.” — ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For The Voter Who Cares About Corruption

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Radical Differences Between Canadian and American Thanksgiving

NameThanksgiving in Canada is known simply as Thanksgiving — or action de grâce! if you’re fancy. It’s never called “Canadian Thanksgiving.” Natio... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Amy Coney Barrett Testifies Before the Judiciary Committee

Thank you, esteemed senators, for setting aside four full days to verbally waterboard me — or, in the Republicans’ case, to fawn over my CV and mak... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I Was Social Distancing Before It Went Mainstream, and Its Early Stuff Was Better

Back when I started “social distancing,” there wasn’t even a term for it. I mean, I’ve never been into major labels. I first got into doing it when... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The 52 Stages of Insomnia

1. Lying2. Waiting3. Pondering4. Recollection of Recent Mistakes5. “Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of…)”6. Annoyance7. Realization that This Could... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Rejects White Supremacy

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

A Short History of the Colonization of Massachusetts for Bostonians

Art by Matt Smith- - -Now thing is, the Vikings were all ovah the fuckin’ place a thousand yee’ahs ago. I mean these guys got ‘round, n’ it wasn’... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The One With the Eye and the Fly

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATEKINGSBURY HALLSALT LAKE CITY, UTOCTOBER 7, 2020- - -9:04 PM: Susan Page of USA Today opens the debate like a college fr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Oral History of Donald Trump’s Famous “Everyone Wanted the Belt” Speech

“We’ve spent two point five trillion dollars over the term…in office, my term. That’s over three and a half years two point five… think of that, tw... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Scary Costume Ideas for Halloween 2020

One ill-timed coughA guy standing five feet awaySeasonal allergiesA gender-reveal partyA nearly-empty toilet paper rollThe P-wordThe letter Q... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For The Voter Who Cares about a President’s Public Image

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

There Are Two Wolves Inside You

“There are two wolves inside you,” said the old man. “They are fighting to the death. One is anger, one is love.”“Which one will win?” said the bo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Letters From My Landlord During Other Historic Disasters

Hi Nicole,We haven’t received your rent for September, so I just wanted to check-in with you. Here at 10 Chernobyl Lane, our residents’ happiness ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 923

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote, or check to make sure you’re registered to vote here.- - -Early in President ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

How to Pronounce My Name, According to People I’ve Known

“Why Pee?” – Girl in my 5th-grade class“Yipee!” – Girl in my 9th-grade class“Iman” – Girl in my 11th-grade Oxbridge program who was a part-time m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Left Corruption Abroad for America

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Four Loko Is Officially Four Woke-o

You always knew Four Loko, the high-alcohol canned malt beverage that was successfully sued for being too deadly, was bold as hell. Now, more than ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Google Calendar Updates for Parents of Remote Learners

1. All calendar appointments now default to repeating on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays. All calendar appointments created on Wednesdays wil... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Hamlet, According to the White House’s Media Team

“Young Prince Hamlet is sound of mind and body! We would describe his case of melancholy as ‘very mild.’ Reports of him running around on the battl... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Wants a Green New Deal

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

How to Ensure Your Mail-In Ballot Gets Counted

1. Google what a county election office is.2. Request a ballot from your county election office.3. Ask your mailman when he thinks the ballot wil... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Just Because I Was Mauled by Velociraptors Doesn’t Mean I Haven’t Done an Excellent Job Handling the Velociraptor Attacks

Hello, Peter Ludlow here, coming to you from the Isla Nublar Medical Center here at Jurassic Park. As you might’ve heard, on Friday I was mauled by... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Media Report On Donald Trump’s Health or Media Report On Kim Jong-un’s Health?

1. “The release of only sketchy information made it difficult for outside medical experts to assess [his] condition.”2. “While [his] death or inca... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Just Wants to Be Clear

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Rebels, Please Join Me in Wishing Emperor Palpatine Well

As I’m sure you have seen by now, Emperor Palpatine has recently suffered horrific injuries after being thrown into the Death Star’s reactor, which... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Trump’s Doctor Writes an Excused Absence Note to the Federal Elections Commission

Dear Federal Elections Commission:I’m writing you to excuse my patient, the Honorable Donald J. Trump, from this year’s election process as he has... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m You In An Alternative 2020 and Even Though There’s No Pandemic, You’re Still Depressed, Plus There’s This Huge Komodo Dragon Problem

Dear me,If you think this year minus the coronavirus outbreak would somehow be all sunshine and rainbows, you’ve got another thing coming. Several... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For The Voter Who is Afraid Their Vote Won’t Matter

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Law & Order: Decentralized Militia Unit

In the criminal justice system, politically based offenses are regarded as especially heinous. In the Pacific Northwest, a group of decentralized m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Needs an Abortion

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The People Have Questions About Voting, Democracy, Laws, Treason, and Civil War. Stand By

The People: What is happening?The Answer: We’re having an election.P: A presidential election?A: A presidential election.P: Oh, good. When?A:... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For The Voter Who Wants Gun Control Now

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Decorating Tips for the Fall of Society

Apple picking and hayrides are great, but the best part of autumn is cozying up inside. Plus, we’ll have to stay in once the election, pandemic, an... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

For the Voter Who Lost Hope in 2016

Though we’ve known for four years that the 2020 US election cycle would be even more fraught than the strange and painful fall of the 2016 election... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m Worried Biden Is Going to Steal the Election By Getting Many, Many More Votes Than the President

I know some of you think I’m being dramatic, but after watching the debate, it’s clear that our democracy is facing a chilling scenario. I never th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Announcement for Lovers of Music and Democracy

- - -This Friday, Good Music to Avert the Collapse of American Democracy, Vol. 2, goes live on Bandcamp. It’s available for only 24 hours. Buy the... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Why Didn’t Sauron Condemn the Orc Hordes?

“Donald Trump ruined the biggest layup in the history of debates by saying — not condemning white supremacists. I don’t know if he didn’t hear it,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One That Broke Us

9:03 PM: Moderator and Fox News anchor Chris Wallace opens the debate by welcoming the at-home audience in a calm cadence, blissfully and perhaps r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Open Letter to My Lactose Intolerant Friend Regarding My COVID Intolerance

Hey Friend!How was your summer? Ours was rough. We got some scary news this spring, and I haven’t known how to tell you, since you’ve been having ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago