It has recently come to my attention via internet outrage that I am in what is considered a “mixed-weight” marriage. Magazines, podcasts, and CNN are judging women who outweigh their husbands, even though Bridgerton said it was okay. But internet trolls say that it is absolutely … | Continue reading
Wow. Scyld Shiefling. We’re hearing more and more about him these days. They’re all talking about the things he’s done. Now that was a king. They’re saying he’s a lot like me. Great king, everyone feared him. Armies, entire armies, just throwing down their weapons, begging him no … | Continue reading
“So there I am, horns caught in the thicket. This Abraham fellow starts eyeing me, and I know this can’t be good. He just tried to ice his own flesh and blood. What’s he gonna do to a ram?” “Let’s back up,” the police officer said. “What did you say you were doing on the mountain … | Continue reading
Welcome back, families! There have been some changes to the pick-up and drop-off procedures, so make sure you familiarize yourselves before the first day. Remember, when in doubt, simply CIRCLE THE BLOCK. DROP-OFF This year, we will be dropping off by grade. Please drop off only … | Continue reading
Make this fall the best semester ever with NEW student deals on iPad. Buy an iPad for college, and for an indefinite time, get $180,000 in student loan debt.1 2 3 Plus, add AirPods to your purchase for a free $150 gift card! Arrive on campus ready to take on the world with a next … | Continue reading
It is that time of year again. Ice the beer, call your friends, and set up your big board because fantasy season is beginning. Yes, philosophy fans, it is time to build your department. To create your fantasy philosophy league, you will need ten colleagues. Before the start of th … | Continue reading
The Full-Frontal Pom-Pom Fun, playful, and an excellent reminder that it’s already time to schedule your annual mammogram. One size fits A to double D. Any pinching is fleeting. - - - The Gastric-Glow Three Pack These brightly colored fuzzy socks draw inspiration from the content … | Continue reading
My neighbor Craig is a prepper. For years, he’s been telling me the world is coming to an end, and for years, I’ve been ignoring him. Then one day I saw him digging with a shovel in his backyard. The bank gave him a second mortgage, he told me, and he was going to build a bunker … | Continue reading
One of the central tenets of writing is that you should always “write what you know.” In the words of acclaimed author P. D. James: “All experience, whether it is painful or whether it is happy, is somehow stored up and sooner or later it’s used.” And I truly adhere to this philo … | Continue reading
“The good news keeps coming for Vice President Harris. She has now not only made up ground in public polls in the swing states in her campaign for president, but has now actually taken narrow leads in three critical states that would put her at just enough electoral votes to win … | Continue reading
Dear Citizens, In light of recent political parlance, we are announcing that we are no longer trying to keep our city “weird.” We realize that this statement contradicts the campaign we have spent the past two decades and thousands of taxpayers’ dollars advocating for our city’s … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Adventure Log Main Quests It’s Time to Sign Up A pulsing light startles you as you pack another underwhelming school lunch into a backpack. A voice calls out, soft but urgent: “It’s time for The Child to play a Youth Sport.” In the local village, rumors are swirling. The Child’s … | Continue reading
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Has Dropped Out of [POLITICAL RACE HE HAS NO SHOT AT WINNING] and Will Endorse [ANOTHER POLITICAL MADMAN], with Reports Stating He’s Seeking a Position in [ARM OF GOVERNMENT HE KNOWS LESS THAN NOTHING ABOUT] Reports Surfaced That RFK Jr. Decapitated a [LARGE … | Continue reading
There’s nothing quite as satisfying as gardening. Whether growing vegetables or adding color to your backyard, all you need to cultivate healthy plants is sun and water. Except not that much sun. You don’t want to broil your plants. And lighten up on the water. You’re growing a g … | Continue reading
Thing with Ketchup, $10.99 What is the “thing” that comes with this ketchup, you ask? Surely you know by now that it doesn’t matter in the slightest, as whatever it is will serve only as a delivery method for your child to get as much ketchup in their mouth as possible before pul … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
A Magician's Venmo Transaction History | Continue reading
Our friends at The Believer sent a trio of novelists, poets, and critics to the Windy City to report from inside and around the Democratic National Convention. Daily installments of this limited series, which is inspired by Esquire’s 1968 coverage, will run on The Believer’s webs … | Continue reading
“With great power comes zero responsibility.” “I’d rather endure a radioactive spider bite than a mediocre writer’s diatribe.” “I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning alcoholic with a typewriter.” “Never trust a person wearing green. Green is the color of goblins, envy, and the w … | Continue reading
“Pro-Trump activists’ attempt to infiltrate DNC goes hilariously awry. Far-right commentators Jack Posobiec and Charlie Kirk went to the DNC. It did not go well for them.” — The New Republic - - - ABBOTT: He’s a great second baseman. COSTELLO: And what a home run yesterday! CHARL … | Continue reading
BREAKING NEWS First Date Moments Away EXCLUSIVE Sources: Man Not 6'2" Despite Saying So on Hinge THIS JUST IN Woman Texts Friends: “I don’t really feel like doing this tonight” LIVE Both Parties Arrive at Steakhouse HAPPENING NOW Woman Goes in for Hug, Man for Handshake NEW TONIG … | Continue reading
BEDROOM EXIT/INTO LIVING ROOM HER: Would you mind telling me where you’ve hidden my shoes? HER SISTER: What? Moi? I did nothing. No clue what shoes you’re even talking about. [Heavy laugh here, put it in front of mix, so it pops.] HER: I have a flame thrower in a storage unit in … | Continue reading
Last week, our friends at The Believer sent a trio of novelists, poets, and critics to the Windy City to report from inside and around the Democratic National Convention. Daily installments of this limited series, which is inspired by Esquire’s 1968 coverage, will run on The Beli … | Continue reading
Dear Parental Group LLC, Thank you so much for responding to my most recent proposal request for “Fun Stuff I Can Do.” Unfortunately, I won’t be moving forward with the course of action your organization provided. Please be assured that I closely reviewed the package you submitte … | Continue reading
Date: August 15, 2008 Name: Gila Pfeffer (nee Reinitz) Age: 34 Height: 5′3″ (OK, 5′2″) Weight: RUDE Who referred you to see us today? My ob-gyn referred me to this practice specifically, but if you’re asking whose idea it was to have a prophylactic double mastectomy, that’s all m … | Continue reading
“In a 2020 podcast interview discussing the benefits of grandparents in children’s lives, JD Vance agrees when the host says, ‘That’s the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female’” — Vanity Fair - - - Sure, I might be a childless cat lady with a solid career as a quantitative a … | Continue reading
All of us must play a part in lowering our nation’s political temperature. So I applaud Project 2025 mastermind Kevin Roberts for postponing publication to rewrite and tone down the violent rhetoric in his forthcoming memoir, Dawn’s Early Light: Burning Down Washington to Save Am … | Continue reading
Welcome to motherhood. It’s the hardest job on earth but also FUN and not hard. It’s the longest, shortest time. It’s organic but also Doritos. The rules are simple, not contradictory, but also not rules, because we are play-based. 1. You must never be boring, but also don’t be f … | Continue reading
Managing a massive concert tour requires keeping a lot of balls in the air, but as we were pulling into our next stop for P!nk’s world tour, I couldn’t help but feel like I was forgetting something. As we were preparing to rock Detroit’s Little Caesars Arena for a record-setting … | Continue reading
Oh my god, hi!! I am SO sorry to do this, but we have your wife Jenna, and if you don’t pay us $20 million in unmarked bills by tomorrow night, we are gonna have to kill her. So sorry about this!! We are a group of private individuals who disagree with your amoral business practi … | Continue reading
Tim Walz is America’s dad. George Washington is America’s father. Pedro Pascal is America’s daddy. Jimmy Carter is America’s “one that got away.” Stanley Tucci is America’s second husband who breathed new life into America as America was picking up the pieces after America’s divo … | Continue reading
I was busy working (scrolling Instagram) when an ad for this product caught my eye. The promo page contained an alarming amount of content about a fictional merger (“THE MERGER”) between Peanut Butter Group and Chocolatey Corp to create a company playfully nicknamed “PBC.” The we … | Continue reading
“A former Yale Law School classmate and friend [of J. D. Vance] has shared about 90 of their emails and text messages… the emails add to an existing body of evidence showing how Mr. Vance pivoted from a strong opponent of former President Donald J. Trump to his running mate. They … | Continue reading
“Is My Cat a Prisoner? And Other Ethical Questions About Our Pets.” — Headline from The Cut’s recent Pet Ethics issue. - - - “Is It Bad That I Stopped Loving My Cat After I Buried Him in the Mi’kmaq Burial Ground, and He Came Back Wrong?”1 “Am I Forcing My Dog to Rescue My Son fr … | Continue reading
Let us go then, youse and I… Do I dare Distoib the universe? In the room the women come and go, Talking of Larry, Curly, Moe… I have measured out my life with coffee spoons… You knucklehead! That’s not coffee—it’s gunpowder! And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and s … | Continue reading
The hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars used to build this new stadium will benefit everyone in our city, as long as they own the stadium and the billion-dollar sports team playing inside. The stadium will be a community space enjoyed by all who can afford a $175 ticket and … | Continue reading
- - - Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, QAnon, Fox News, etc., etc., etc. have kidnapped the last century of intellectual thought and philosophical investigation: poststructuralism, quantum physics, deconstruction, the current “crisis” in “nonfiction”-journalism- med … | Continue reading
“As the budget process progressed, updated revenue projections showed that many of the cuts weren’t needed. Both fiscally conservative and liberal good government groups and the Independent Budget Office said City Hall’s revenue projections were inaccurate. But the mayor ordered … | Continue reading
Mike Evans, WR A lot of times it happens on Labor Day. I’ve heard that from tons of guys and that’s usually how it is for me. Around Labor Day anyways. It’s like a draft. I think the “owners” even call it a draft. I’ve already been drafted before into the NFL. But this… this is n … | Continue reading
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What is camp? Well, it’s a vision. It’s unmistakable. It’s sharing a bunk with seven other girls and having a rotating schedule of who the entire bunk has decided to hate this week. Camp is big. It’s brash. It’s more often than not “Hate Katie” week. Camp is a way of seeing the w … | Continue reading
Republicans continue to lob various attacks at Kamala Harris. Which of these accusations have they made, and which are still to come? 1. Opposes saying “Merry Christmas” 2. Popular in Hollywood 3. Has fingers 4. Is hiding from the press 5. Lip syncs all of her speeches to a backi … | Continue reading
“X filed a lawsuit on Tuesday against the Global Alliance for Responsible Media, a coalition of major advertisers, claiming that it had violated antitrust laws by coordinating with brands to dissuade them from spending money on the social media platform.” — New York Times - - - A … | Continue reading
There’s a dreamy and appealing naturalism to Alan Felsenthal’s elegy, Hereafter. The poems are electric and vivid, but the book never romanticizes suffering. Voices in these poems have a sadness to them, a melancholy that retains some almost mystical buoyancy. But never treacly. … | Continue reading
“America now has a choice between the former president’s nightmarish vision of national decline that only a strongman can fix and Harris’ optimistic vow that America is still a land of aspiration. But that dichotomy also points to a huge risk for Harris. Running a campaign rooted … | Continue reading
EYES: Not to brag, but we were among the first to go. We’ve required glasses or contact lenses for decades. STOMACH: Eyes said that? No, I was definitely the first—not to mention the worst. EYES: I guess I started to act up around the same time as Stomach. That was quite a year. … | Continue reading
Scientists largely agree that Earth is in the midst of a sixth mass extinction, so we will be called upon to say goodbye to animals with increasing frequency. Unfortunately, the average American knows pitifully few ways to do so. If you ask anyone on the street, their list will l … | Continue reading