Signs You’re a Black Character Written By a White Author

Your skin is like a chocolate latte with swirls of caramel drops.Sometimes you say, “Oh word?” even when no one is speaking.The other characters ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Dog Whisperer of the ICU

Duke University Medical CenterDurham, NC- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

So, You Want to Direct a Community Theater Musical Production

Congratulations! Your MFA in directing is about to be put to good use, effectively proving your father wrong about your job prospects. Your firm gr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Fourth of July: Myth vs. Fact

MYTH: Fireworks are an all-American pastime.FACT: Fireworks were invented in China, but America was the first country to discover their use for t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Apologize That Instead of July Fourth Bunting, We Accidentally Shipped You a Box Full of Snakes

As America’s seventh-ranked patriotic bunting company, we’re proud to fulfill all of your Fourth of July decorating needs this year. Also, due to a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Of Plague and Plenty

Medical Director La Familia Medical CenterSanta Fe, New Mexico- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

It’s Time to Sign the Declaration of Independence, and I, Elbridge Gerry, Will Have the Biggest Signature of All

This is it. July 4th, 1776. You’ve waited a long time for this, Elbridge, my boy. All those hot days and boring debates were worth it just for this... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Best Thing About Each Amendment in the Bill of Rights, in Haiku

1.Leaving a voicemailOn your Senator’s phone lineCalling him “spineless”2.How would we settleOur disputes if it weren’t forDuel by combat?3... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Kink-Shaming and a Cover-Up: Benjamin Franklin and the Story of the US Standard Measurement System

Our story takes us back to the founding of the United States, when it was nothing more than a newborn nation without a proper system of measurement... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

A Wake Up Call

I’m a digital video producer for a news organization, and after a long week of covering news centered around protests and scrolling through my own ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Have Heard Your Complaints About Police Brutality and We Are Solving the Problem By Inserting a CGI Black Character Into Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Demonstrations against police brutality and systemic racism over the past month have made clear that change is necessary. But I’ve been wondering: ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Shouldn’t Presume That the Velociraptor Experts Know the Best Way to Deal With Velociraptor Attacks

“Sen. Rand Paul aggressively questioned the guidance of federal health experts at a Senate committee hearing Tuesday, including Dr. Anthony Fauci,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Canadian Proverbs

If at first you don’t succeed, try again in French.The journey of a thousand kilometres begins with a single step.The best things in life are fre... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Remotely Piloted Medicine System

Advanced Practice Registered NurseYale-New Haven Hospital New Haven, CT- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Dude, You’ve Gotta Check Out This Virginia Woolf Chick

Yo, Tanner! Get your dick over here; I’ve got a Four Loko with your name on it.Yeah, bro, so far my summer has been tight tight tiiiiiight — thank... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

“Show Me That Smile Again”: An Oral History of the Theme Song to Growing Pains

When Growing Pains debuted in 1985, few could have predicted that its theme song, “As Long As We Got Each Other,” would become arguably the best an... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Would-You-Rathers for Parents During Quarantine

Would you rather be isolating with one child that requires entertaining, or multiple children that require you to break up fights over whose turn i... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

It’s a Simple Question: Why?

Black folks have always done the heavy lifting. We have asked for humanity. We have asked to be seen. We asked for legislation. We have asked white... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

But Nyarlathotep Promised Us New Cenobite Judges Dedicated to Women’s Suffering!

“The Supreme Court on Monday struck down a Louisiana law that could have left the state with a single abortion clinic. The vote was 5 to 4, with C... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Help, I’m Running Out of Ways to Make Showering in Europe Difficult

In my 20-something year career as France’s leading shower designer, I have created every imaginable variety of highly unusable water dispensary sys... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

8 Ways Men Can Wear Face Masks and Still Feel Manly

“Dick Cheney says WEAR A MASK. #realmenwearmasks” — Rep. Liz Cheney“Men less likely to wear face masks because they’re ‘not cool’ and ‘a sign of w... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Telemedicine Forces Me to Trust My Patients

Assistant Professor of Family MedicineCooper Medical School of Rowan UniversityCamden, NJ- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Cur... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

The Brave Little Toaster’s Radical Manifesto

The Brave Little Toaster was a book before it was a movie. Before the book, there was not simply the toaster, but many toasters, whose stories neve... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

A Message from Your University’s Vice President for Magical Thinking

Dear University Community,Since we first announced our plans to reopen this fall (a far too early decision given the lack of reliable data about t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Decoding Your Teenager’s Glares: A Comprehensive Guide

Even though your teenager currently seems unable to speak to you, they actually are capable of communicating — through their glares. You may be thi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

20 Years from Now, Sometime in Mid-May

Family Medicine PhysicianSeattle, WA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, health... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

What Your Car Dealer Says and What He Really Means

I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1We’ve got an UNBEATABLE SELECTION of CARS and SUVs! We’ve got T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Organizations Fighting for Racial Justice Need Your Donations

The movement for racial justice needs you at protests, and needs you to be registered to vote — but it also could use your donations. There are so ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Open Letter to the White Food Blogger Who Just Discovered the Middle Eastern Staples That Have Kept Me Alive for the Last Two Decades

Dear White Food Blogger,I was fine with the hummus. I really was. I love hummus; so, it’s only fair that everyone should get to bask in the glory ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Questions Kevin McCallister Should Have Asked Donald Trump At The Plaza Hotel In Home Alone 2

Scene from Home Alone 2:KEVIN McCALLISTER: Excuse me, where’s the lobby?DONALD TRUMP: Down the hall and to the left.- - -Mr. Trump, if you were ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Interview with Jaswinder Bolina About His New Book, Of Color

- - -Jaswinder Bolina is the author of Of Color (June 30, 2020, McSweeney’s). Wajahat Ali says it’s an “insightful, raw, and honest collection of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

An Industry Leader Models Advocating for Equity

To Our Shareholders —We stand up against all forms of racism that we are aware of as a company. The recent acts of racism that we have seen on cam... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

We Condemn All Institutional Racism Except Our Own

Students, Faculty, Staff, and Alumni,We feel it to be our solemn duty to make a statement about recent events before all our peer institutions bea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Oedipus Rex or Mike Pence?

1. Uses the term “mother” interchangeably with female parent and romantic partner.2. Tasked with ending a plague.3. Not particularly good at endi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Who Remains Outside?

First-year medical studentColumbia Vagelos College of Physicians and SurgeonsNew York City, New York- - -This is part of our series, Flattened ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

If You Don’t Donate $2 to My Campaign In the Next 16 Minutes, I’ll Be Forced to Dive Head First In Front of This Rickshaw

Hello, from your local Democratic representative.I’m texting you because the situation is dire. The Republicans have got us cornered. And with jus... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Will Quam: A Brick is More Than Just a Rectangle

Photo by Squatch Media- - -Q: What is your job?A: I am a brick researcher and brick photographer. It’s sort of a subset of being an architecture... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-759

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here.- - -ATROCITY KEY – Sexual Misconduct, Harassment, & Bullying – Whi... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: Atrocities 546-759

This is the sixth in a series of lists. For a listing of all the atrocities in one place, go here.Register to vote here.- - -Early in President ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

In Retrospect, Wait-Listing You Was a Huge Mistake

Dear Bryan,Congratulations! We are so pleased to offer you admission to our class of 2024. We cannot express how excited we are to have you on cam... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Amateur Activist Humblebrags

I learned more from the film 13th than I did from the entire African Diaspora curriculum at NYU.I’ll have to spend a whole day by my pool just to ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Facial Hair Amongst the Liberal Elite

ALEXANDRA: I think it’s time, Michael.MICHAEL: Time we recognize Juneteenth as a national holiday? I agree, but how do we do that without it becom... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

I’m the Guy Setting Off Fireworks Every Night In Your Neighborhood and I Have You Right Where I Want You

“From New York to Los Angeles to Hartford, Conn., complaints and reports about fireworks have ballooned over the last month.” — Time, 6/19/20- - -... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

CribbNotes: Study Guides for Bedtime Classics

The Cat in the Hat A manic eight-foot-tall cat cons its way into our narrator’s home and, through rhyming and whimsey, reveals to young readers h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Better, More Vulnerable Surgeons

Cardiac Surgery ResidentHospital of the University of PennsylvaniaPhiladelphia, PA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, whic... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Modern When Harry Met Sally Interludes

SPOUSE 1: Our first date was at this amazing little wine bar.SPOUSE 2: We start talking and it turns out that we both love all the same classic TV... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Dads of America, As Explained By Their Pants

Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ yearsWrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were sixAthletic ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago

Pitchfork Reviews Your Dad’s Latest Diatribe

Back with his first full-length effort since 2018’s Sriracha, You Didn’t Say it Was THAT Spicy, Dad returns to interrogate his familiar themes of ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 4 years ago