The Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing from Gurgle-Goo is designed to float even the fussiest baby to dreamland. In just a matter of minutes, little ones will be snoozing, and frazzled parents will be sighing with relief. Before joining the thousands of happy, well-rested Soothing Sl … | Continue reading
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I stare at Linoleum Snopes across the net, hating him. “It don’t bounce proper,” I say. “It don’t hardly bounce at all.” He studies the service line at his feet, furious. The sun is hot. It don’t bounce proper. It just. “Eight-three-one,” he says. “You best back up some.” I don’t … | Continue reading
Like the rest of the deathcore band of Americans who live with perpetual nimbus clouds of trepidation over their hanging heads, I watched CNN’s presidential debate. I was hoping (which is a rare thing for me) that there might be a thin wisp of a silver lining tucked somewhere in … | Continue reading
“Following the debate, the Beltway class is counting Joe Biden out. If we see changes in polling, it won’t be the first time overblown media narratives have driven dips in polls.” — Jen O’Malley Dillon, Biden-Harris Campaign Chair - - - All right, everybody calm down. I know Joe … | Continue reading
Originally published July 2, 2019 - - - The full transcript from the CNN Presidential debate between President Thomas Whitmore and challenger Governor Patrick Stevens. WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Welcome to the CNN debate for the 1996 presidential election. President Whitmore, let m … | Continue reading
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Pizza’s here! BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What’s on this? Is this blue cheese? JOHN ADAMS: Can I have a piece with less blue cheese on it? JEFFERSON: Just pick it off. ADAMS: Can someone help me cut my slice into smaller pieces? JEFFERSON: Sure, John. ADAMS: It’s so spic … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
If someone’s go-to Fourth of July song is Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” they’re conservative. If their go-to Fourth of July song is “American Tune” by Paul Simon, they’re liberal. If it’s “This is America” by Childish Gambino, they’re liberal, and they’re not celebrating. If a … | Continue reading
Hey, so great to see you! Sorry, the bar’s so crowded tonight; it’s not normally like this. Usually, you can grab a booth, no problem, but it looks like we’ll have to share a single barstool. Hope that’s all right. Normally, there’s live bluegrass on Sundays too. That’s why I pic … | Continue reading
Have a cookout The Fourth of July is a great opportunity to gather your friends and family outside and eat some burgers and hot dogs. On the land that you own, of course. Not on any other land, especially not any public spaces like parks or sidewalks, because it’s clear you didn’ … | Continue reading
Middle-aged Andie Walsh lives in a Chicago suburb with her underemployed and estranged husband, Mike, whom she can’t afford to divorce, because they both stupidly pursued creative careers instead of going into finance. That means their retirement savings are in the triple digits, … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
When we first opened NEVERTHELESS, a West Village bakery rooted in my family’s rich traditions of Sardinian pastry and throat singing (cantu a tenóre), we had one simple goal: we wanted our food to tell a story. To bring the city baked goods brimming with the same love and passio … | Continue reading
“On the biggest stage in US politics, Biden did not meet their modest expectations. And by the end of the 90-minute showdown, the Democratic president’s allies—party strategists and rank-and-file voters alike—descended into all-out panic following a debate performance punctuated … | Continue reading
2024 PRESIDENTIAL deBATE CNN STUDIOS ATLANTA, GEORGIA JUNE 27, 2024 9:00 PM: Moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash explain that this debate will happen in a studio without a live audience as the only people even slightly interested in attending were individuals who fell into a com … | Continue reading
Today is a precious gift. Even if I do not walk out of this Target with a single, solitary Minecraft-themed item. I am a confident and unique being who can pick up a Tech Deck mini skateboard, stare directly at the label ULTRA RARE, and feel absolutely no urge to beg or whine. I … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - Last week, Boei … | Continue reading
1. “That’s true they don’t go far. But it’s never been great for your climb. They call it climate.” 2. “And you can never quarantine the past.” 3. “He needs a haircut more than I do. It’s true. I couldn’t tell. Needs a haircut.” 4. “Oh, everybody’s gotta ride in something. High l … | Continue reading
It’s a universal modern-life experience to talk about something and immediately see an ad that seems like it must be a result of that conversation. Maybe you tell someone you’re planning a vacation and then start seeing advertisements for flights and hotels. Maybe you talk about … | Continue reading
REQUIRED ITEMS One 750 ml bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey A television or any device capable of streaming the debate live A sense of resigned masochism that can come only from no longer having any reason to believe that we live in a world where outcomes can be predicted using log … | Continue reading
No, no, great job, you disintegrated our Death Star, the first-ever pedestrian-only planet. You drove a million miles just to ruin a perfectly lovely living space. Just admit you were jealous of our commute and hated the idea of us enjoying a holistic work-life-play housing conce … | Continue reading
I was minding my own business in the produce section when I came across an unassuming display of apples near the end of the aisle with a small sign that read UNNAMED TEST VARIETY APPLES (NON-GMO). They were on sale for $1.48 per pound. I did not hesitate. What were they testing? … | Continue reading
“If you look at the trajectory of improvement, systems like GPT-3 were maybe toddler-level intelligence… and then systems like GPT-4 are more like smart high-schooler intelligence. And then, in the next couple of years, we’re looking at PhD intelligence…” — Open AI CTO Mira Murat … | Continue reading
Life can be pretty smelly sometimes. And that’s totally normal, so don’t worry. Our company is here to save you with products that will cover up your stench. We all know that traditional deodorant goes on your armpits. But other parts of your body smell, too. Obviously, we don’t … | Continue reading
THEM: Are you the Dan Kennedy who has written all about how to make millions of dollars? You sell a program of some sort to people and say they can get rich with this program if they buy your books and stuff? ME: Oh, god, no. I’m really glad we’re meeting. That’s a different Dan … | Continue reading
I yawn awake at the painfully early hour of noon o’clock to the pinging of 1,005 unread emails. A voicemail from my boss leaps to the top of my mountain of notifications: “PLEASE LOG INTO TEAMS NOW!!” I take a deep breath and realize it’s the perfect time to grab a cold brew—on t … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
Hey, your partner called us. Wow. Skateboarding? Right now, at this point in your life? Recreationally? No! Why do you insist on wading into the waters of the Unknown when the safe shores of Life have been given to you by people who love you? Here are our top five picks for outdo … | Continue reading
Art by Matt Smith - - - In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio-text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancie … | Continue reading
We live in the greatest nation in the world, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room for improvement. During my first hundred days in office, I promise to tackle immigration reform, cap insulin prices, and ensure that people will no longer accidentally get their cars stu … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
The News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team has experience YOU can count on. Stay INFORMED. Stay CONNECTED. With the News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team’s latest resumé and cover letter. We’re the News Channel 4 First Alert Weather Team, and we’re working for YOU. We’re the N … | Continue reading
Isn’t this neighborhood charming? The cute brick ranches. The historic bungalows with their breezy porches. The old apartment buildings that symbolize our romantic notions of the working class. Even the duplexes are just adorable. It’s inspiring how people share walls and divide … | Continue reading
0500: Sound the alarm. 0600: Recitation of the day’s mantra in the traditional spirited honking. 0700: Singing of “O Canada” and flyover in standard formation. 0800: Announcement of the flock’s minutes. 0830: Synchronized shitting and breakfast on the east bank of the retention p … | Continue reading
Ah, childhood! I remember it fondly and often. Getting grass stains on my knees, eating fruit roll-ups, and most importantly, not being burdened by constantly reminiscing about my childhood. Life was so simple then. No responsibilities, no cares, no memories of fifteen to twenty- … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - Yay! Yo … | Continue reading
Dear Candidate, Thank you for your application. Should we move forward, here are the stages you can expect to encounter as you advance during a typical interview process with our team: Fifteen-minute introductory phone call with the recruiter Thirty-minute Zoom interview with the … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
ACT III, SCENE IV: Castle Elsinore Enter Hamlet, dragging the corpse of Polonius. Enter Ghost. GHOST: Mark me. But don’t mark me late for dinner! HAMLET: Forsooth, don’t sneak up on me like that! GHOST: Son, what wast that scene back there with thy mother? HAMLET: Nothing! T’was … | Continue reading
A trolley is about to run over five people, but your dad gets distracted by a nearby sports bar playing The Shawshank Redemption on one of their outdoor TVs. He just stands there watching the movie. Everyone dies. - - - When presented with the Trolley Problem, Dad uses the opport … | Continue reading
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays! But they also have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you name something Monday is good at? No? That’s o … | Continue reading
REQUIRED OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH CHECKLIST 1. Are batteries in the flashlights up to date and working properly? YES NO 2. Are flashlights easily accessible at all times? YES NO 3. Are all flashlights really heavy? YES NO 4. Has someone at the worksite been assigned the inc … | Continue reading
“Justice Alito’s Wife, in Secretly Recorded Conversation, Complains About Pride Flag” — Headline from the New York Times, 6/10/24 - - - Dear Martha-Ann, I can’t say that I expected to hear from you during Pride month. So, imagine my surprise when, this week, you spilled to an und … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
Sit in the bathroom and use your creativity to make it the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Become frustrated that rearranging the towels has failed to turn the bathroom into the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Remember that your child’s crib has wheels, and see … | Continue reading
There is NOTHING like The Grind, my guy. Nothing like having my boiz line up outside the conference room, tapping our sensitive little balls over The Big Merger, making eye contact with The Big Boss as he gives me a slow nod from his office. Nothing like laughing at the betas who … | Continue reading
“As much as dragons or incest or power struggles or even more generalized violence, [season one] has been defined by traumatic birth scenes.” — Kathryn VanArendonk, Vulture - - - Princess Rhaenyra screams for ten uninterrupted minutes. The Maester rushes in. MAESTER: Princess Rha … | Continue reading