This is your last free article. There will be no more, forever. We’re offering a $9.99 monthly subscription for our award-winning journalism. But you won’t finish these articles anyway. Why waste it? Our headlines just sit there on your browser—open tabs, like tombstones in a hau … | Continue reading
Madeleine Cravens is a poet of delectable desolation. Pleasure Principle is the name of her first book, and beyond the Freudian reference I can’t help but hear the echo of another kind of principle, the principal, that which we pay when we pay what we owe. To grow up is, in some … | Continue reading
Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get the chance to start a second family. What does it say about our current economic climate that a hardworking individual like m … | Continue reading
Attention staff: Summer Fridays are here! From Friday, June 7, to Friday, August 30, staff have the option to leave at 1:00 p.m. for a 4.5-hour early dismissal. All staff are welcome to participate in Summer Fridays, though we know they may not be for everyone. Here are some guid … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
The first successful instance of time travel occurred in 2306, when a group of Syracuse University researchers transported Tootsie, a chimpanzee, to the front lines of the War of 1812. The scientists were awarded a Nobel Prize, but despite deftly outmaneuvering the British Royal … | Continue reading
Oral Deposition Testimony, Sierra Madre Wedding Centre vs Mike Sacks, Feb 4, 1993 PLAINTIFF: Please spell your name and list your occupation. DEFENDANT: Mike Sacks. M-I-K-E S-A-C-K-S. Wedding planner. PLAINTIFF: And how long have you worked as a wedding planner? DEFENDANT: Since … | Continue reading
Convenience stores are not known for luxury. They replicate our base desires, stocking shelves with only the most essential food groups: salt, sugar, and alcohol. But what kind of person would look at a 7-Eleven and say, “You know what this place needs? A brunch item.” Apparently … | Continue reading
Dear Members of the Search Committee: Well, here we are again. I am sitting in my sunroom, listening to the robins, crows, and jays, and I’m trying to type out a list of all my achievements so that you will like me enough to invite me for a Zoom interview and possibly a campus vi … | Continue reading
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE - - - WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THI … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Virgin Mary, First let me just say, you may not consider yourself a pop culture icon, … | Continue reading
Congratulations on purchasing a new Xee-Whiz Smart Wi-Fi Socket. While installing this device is so easy you could do it in five seconds, this manual is not for setting up the Smart Wi-Fi Socket. This manual is for dealing with whatever relative is making you help them set up the … | Continue reading
“Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., refused to address Dr. Anthony Fauci as ‘doctor’ and called for him to be jailed during an, at times, explosive hearing before Congress on the origins of Covid-19—as Republicans continue to demonize the federal government’s former top infectio … | Continue reading
In Opposite Land, Oreos are a nutritious superfood. In Opposite Land, I have no unwanted facial hair. All of my facial hair is wanted. In Opposite Land, my job pays me obscene amounts of money. Unfortunately, money is virtually worthless here, so people burn it to keep cool in th … | Continue reading
Hey man, we’re having a little get-together in the park this weekend. I would love it if you could make it. We’ll have snacks, and you can bring a six-pack or something if you want. We’ll probably throw some tunes on the portable speaker, catch up, and just enjoy the afternoon. O … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - Last week, you … | Continue reading
Mamenchisaurus: I know I shouldn’t, but I still find myself going through the picture books, looking at all the brachiosauruses and apatosauruses and brontosauruses—and knowing that I’ll never be in there. It’s hard to take. I mean, come on, my neck is huge. I’m basically all nec … | Continue reading
The worst has happened. Donald Trump is a convicted felon, and it’s all because he [FALSIFIED BUSINESS RECORDS / HID THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE / HAD A HORRIBLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH STORMY DANIELS WHILE HIS WIFE MELANIA WAS PREGNANT WITH THE BABY THEY EVENTUALLY NAMED AF … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
“I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER! … I DID NOTHING WRONG! … My end-of-month fundraising deadline is just DAYS AWAY!” — Donald Trump on his campaign website, which went down briefly, after he was convicted on thirty-four counts in hush-money trial - - - IT’S OFFICIAL: I’M A POLITICAL PRIS … | Continue reading
PARENT 1: Welcome home! CHILD: Manipulative! PARENT 1: Wait. What? CHILD: Toxic! PARENT 1: Who? Me? CHILD: Narcissist! PARENT 1: You keep saying words, but without verbs. CHILD: Gaslighting! PARENT 1: I’m just thinking that if you put these words into a sentence, I might get a be … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
They found one another. Of course they did. It doesn’t matter how. Fate finds a way. I see some of them sunglass-faced sitting outside of cafés laughing over espressos, playfully touching elbows. I know they’re whispering about me after they make love—two heads on one pillow, tra … | Continue reading
“We must journey forth,” commanded the good Wizard Byroncorn to Luanne Wyldsmith, the graceful ager and chosen one, user of hyaluronic face potions and seeker of bargain discounts. “Why do you dally so?” “If we wait until tomorrow’s pay period,” replied Luanne Wyldsmith, “I can u … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
I rock large appliances and furniture back and forth, ensuring that my body is beneath them. I remove all tags from my towels and mattresses before purchasing. I light lighters ANYWHERE. I lean small children against window screens while the window is open. I press irons up to my … | Continue reading
And on a Thursday afternoon, God created the #Revelation Slack Channel. God Time to get this party started! Or more like ENDED?! #LFGtotheEndofDays God I know we’re all excited to finally bring about the end of all things on Earth. Tagging in key stakeholders now. God added @anti … | Continue reading
I can tell what you’re all thinking. Those guys in the other locker room are bigger than us. Stronger. Faster. Hell, they even got prettier cheerleaders. Moms who bake better cookies. Uncles who’re more conscious of their prejudices and are doing the work to listen and learn. But … | Continue reading
When the world died, all that was left was chaos. All that awaited us was death. Living in the ashes of our civilization, I’ve learned two things: I can rely only on myself, and I am the only person in this whole wasteland who still drives a sensible car. I know a 2006 Toyota Cam … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
Dear Joseph (we’re both adults, so I can call you by your first name), I regret to inform you that we cannot accept your book Heart of Darkness for publication. I loved how short it was, but I hated how dumb it was. Your story makes no sense. Marlow—is that a first name? Last nam … | Continue reading
“Nikki Haley says she’ll vote for Trump, despite previously saying he’s ‘not qualified’ to be president.” – ABC News, 5/22/24 - - - I’m voting for Donald Trump, but that doesn’t mean I’m vouching for him. The difference between a promise to vote for someone and a formal endorseme … | Continue reading
To outsiders, my multimillion-dollar artisanal pickle company may look like an overnight success, but I can assure you it was the result of a lot of hard work. Yes, my father is the number-one producer of pickles worldwide, but please don’t be so crass as to suggest that my succe … | Continue reading
The little pigs are their own worst enemy. Don’t get me wrong, I want to support the little pigs. Plenty of folks like me sympathize with them, but their own actions are the biggest detriment to their cause. The little pigs make a dramatic show of their new tactics. Fresh brick, … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - Writing … | Continue reading
Alert: This is Verizon letting you know that an unrecognized device, the only device you’ve ever used to sign in to our website, has logged into your account. Was that you? Was it?? We are freaking out over here. We have no idea if this device—your only device—was you logging in. … | Continue reading
Get out the Band-Aids, ballet flats are back in style. I’ve never taken a dance class in my life, but I’m going to cram my big, flat feet into these little honeys and wait for a huge, watery blister to take my life. My feet haven’t been bloody and shredded for fifteen years, so t … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
A cartoon king is dangling over a pit of lava. He says, “If you don’t match the colored shapes, I die!” Time runs out and the screen blurs, so you can’t see the king’s death. The text “You have failed your king…” appears as you hear the king’s heartbeat slow to a stop. This game … | Continue reading
Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the work for the week, were finished. And so on the seventh day, They slept in until 8:30 a.m. Then They looked upon each other and proclaimed, “Damn, is it time to go to the grocery store again? Didn’t we just do that?!” All the work They … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
Oh my god, hey! How’s it going? I feel like such a jerk, man. It has been the craziest week. I am literally just seeing this ransom note now. Ugh, I’m the worst. Okay, hang on, hang on, I’m just skimming back through—ah, shit. I see you set a meet time two nights ago, right under … | Continue reading
This upcoming election has consequences. In 2020, we saw then-President Donald J. Trump refuse to concede after losing reelection to Joe Biden, serving as an exclamation point on a term that was marred with turmoil, crises, and outright lies. As we head into 2024 with Trump as th … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
“In response to the controversy surrounding Harrison Butker’s commencement speech at Benedictine College, the NFL distanced itself from the ideas expressed in the speech, saying the league doesn’t share the beliefs the Kansas City Chiefs kicker voiced while addressing the graduat … | Continue reading
Hello, Architectural Digest. I am an A-list celebrity who has agreed to show millions of people the inside of my home—an intimate place that few eyes have ever seen… except this isn’t my home, because I don’t actually live here. In this episode of Open Door, I will give you a tou … | Continue reading
Dear Whoever Keeps Making My Wife Laugh on Slack, Enough. It’s just enough already. Now, listen to me carefully because I’m only going to say this once: your making-my-wife-laugh days are over, buddy. Do you hear me? Over. That means no more memes, no more GIFs, and especially no … | Continue reading
Final Exam Poli Sci 401 Yale University, Jackson School of Global Affairs Professor Howard Dean Part I (50 points) – multiple choice 1. Which of these public utterances would immediately end a candidate’s presidential ambitions? A. “I want to be a dictator.” B. “If [she] weren’t … | Continue reading