Did you play soccer as a kid? I did and let me tell you something, brother: it wasn’t pretty. Nope, I was a baggy-shorts wearing, skinned-knees masterpiece of fumbly awkwardness. I would strap my glasses around my head, velcro up my sneakers, and keep the bench warm in case someo … | Continue reading
Congratulations on reaching Total Shoe Actualization. AWESOME! Photo from: here — Check out my Youtube channel — | Continue reading
Get your snack on long. Get your snack on strong. Yes, as your movie-watching group melts into the couch for some lazy, late night, limbs everywhere screen time, there’s nothing finer than pouring Pepsis and passing around potato chips, cheesy puffs, and crisp-cracking nacho snac … | Continue reading
It’s like a mirage. You see that distant Do Nothing day coming up on the horizon of your kitchen calendar. You stare at its white squarey blankess beckoning you closer and closer and closer. Time moves forward, days march on, and still nothing gets planned on that beautifully per … | Continue reading
You don’t want to sit next to me on an airplane. Chances are good I’ll start drooling on your shoulder, accidentally crank your headset volume, or chat your ear off with boring anecdotes while you attempt to stare dreamily at cloudscapes out the window. Yes, you’ll politely nod a … | Continue reading
It’s time to get down with the get down… At the movies! Your arms bearhug fat tubs of popcorn and slippery jumbo drinks as you blindly stumble down the dark aisle. You scan the chattery crowd dotting the red plushy tundra before noticing your friend thirty rows up giving you the … | Continue reading
Thank you for calling. We are experiencing lower than normal call volumes. AWESOME! Photo from: here — Check out my podcast 3 Books — | Continue reading
Brother, my closet is stuffed as a scarecrow. See, I’ve got too many clothes because I keep all my old faves from years gone by. My drawers are packed with tattered jerseys, fraying undies, and lonely socks praying for their partners to please come home. On top of all that, I’ve … | Continue reading
Swipe your dripping paws on those handy leg towels and let’s get back to business, baby. AWESOME! — Check out my Youtube channel — | Continue reading
Couch potatoes of the world, hear my call. We all know it’s great capping off three crumb-covered hours on the sofa by watching the highlights of the game you just watched. Yes, you lasted through all the timeouts, challenges, and pitching changes, so now’s your chance to relive … | Continue reading
Kids cruise on wobbly bikes, toddlers race on tipsy trikes, and you drift deep into the hot summer night. Swerve and curve on windy roads as darkness slowly falls and stars pop out to reveal a twinkly twilight glow. As you hit the gas and drop your windows the warm beating rush o … | Continue reading
The Party Save happens anytime a friend yanks you from a bad party conversation by pulling off a thrilling and daring rescue mission. Here’s how it all goes down: Step 1: The Plan. Say tonight you’re heading to a housewarming, office Christmas party, or New Year’s bash. As you a … | Continue reading
“Alright, have a great weekend, see you Monday.” “Yup, you too… hey wait, what are you up to tonight, anyway?” “Oh, not much, really. Maybe heading into the city with friends.” “Cool, we’ll be down there too. Thinking dinner, maybe drinks.” “Oh yeah? Here, add my number to your p … | Continue reading
Acne is not our friend. Blackheads multiply, whiteheads spread, and pimples pop up before prom, people. Yes, our silky smooth skin gets junked up with oily messes as we’re straightening ties and squeezing into prom dresses. Baby, whether you’re rocking Forehead Volcanos, The Rudo … | Continue reading
Welcome back to Childhood. Gooey grilled cheese drips and oozes onto heavy ceramic dishes lying on wobbly kitchen tables. Dusty sunlight beams down on the dog as you sit with your brother on Saturday afternoon beside the whirring fridge with rainbow letter magnets in front of the … | Continue reading
I was bad at Kindergarten. Yes, growing up a small, frightened, sheltered kid meant my daily drip to Grade 0 was the same as blasting me to the moon for six hours a day. I was helpless and alone, down on my own, in a cold and distant unknown. Honestly, I was so shy I didn’t … | Continue reading
Now, we certainly don’t wish trouble on our neighbors around the world. It’s just that when we see rain filling up roads, snowdrifts burying mailboxes, and giant hailstones peppering people’s Preludes, there’s just one big thought that flashes through our brains and makes us feel … | Continue reading
Fat ladies hit the high note, trumpets blast in the pit band, and stage hands yank the curtains closed in that big booming finish at the end of the show. Yes, the guitarist slashes the final chord as that closing climax spirals up and up and up before just so suddenly … stopping. … | Continue reading
. . . . . . . .. . … . “Mm, want the air conditioning on or anything?” “No, no, I’m good…” .. .. . .. . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AWESOME! — … | Continue reading
Well, well, well. Look at you living life in the fire lane. Yes, you came, you parked, you went over time, and you know it. Now you’re scrambling out of the laundromat with a teetery stack of folded towels, racing out of the barber shop with a a freshly shorn neck, or running out … | Continue reading
Maybe you’re running on the treadmill when you catch the clock tick past the middle of your sweaty jog. Maybe you’re reading late at night and notice you’re on the middle page where the left and right sides form one big rectangle of paper. Or maybe you’re on a long Sunday drive t … | Continue reading
You can do it. Motor around filling your basket with food before spying the checkouts and picking your poison. Here’s five tips for living life in the fast lane: 5. Skip your greens. Keep away from shopping carts full of strange produce. Anyone with little bags of cilantro or par … | Continue reading
Let the grease glisten, mayo drip, and soda fizz. Here are three ways to make the magic happen: 1. Veggie Validation. My friend Mike is king of this hilarious move. “Gotta get my greens,” he’ll say, while chomping dill pickles on the couch playing video games. “Carrots are good f … | Continue reading
Postpone the pop quiz, torpedo that test, and forget about a tough math lesson today. No, now’s the time when energy bolts blast through brains as everybody revs up for forty-five minutes of whispering, passing notes, and tossing paper airplanes. AWESOME! Photo from: here — Fol … | Continue reading
Everybody loves a good snooze. That’s where you groggily dive back into the sleepy underworld for a few more minutes of lazy-boned bliss before waking up to get your day on. It’s even better when you tap the snooze button with a bit of acrobatic showmanship that keeps you dreamin … | Continue reading
This is known as The Funrise. Chatty buzz fills office cubicles, laughs echo down high school halls, and the clock ticks a little bit faster as we all smile and get ready for a couple big days of AWESOME! Photos from: here — Follow me on Facebook — — Email message — “Hey Neil, … | Continue reading
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. You’re late. Racing, running, rushing, you’re checking your watch and picturing your friend tapping their foot and rolling their eyes while waiting for you. That’s why it’s great when you arrive hot, sweaty, and breathless just before they rush aroun … | Continue reading
Blast off. Getting a six-foot liftoff when you’re two feet tall shoots you straight into the stratosphere. Suddenly you’re riding your own personal human in a bumpy living room safari in the clouds. Your diaper-padded ass bounces safely on sturdy shoulders as you giggle and grab … | Continue reading
It’s a terrible scene. As that cell phone, digital camera, or pair of sunglasses crash lands on the concrete everyone gasps as it crunches, bounces, and skids hard… Suddenly your eyes blur, stomach twists, and world flips as you fade back and suddenly realize you’re covered in sc … | Continue reading
Now’s your time. As the sun dips down and the twilight fades to darkness there’s nothing sweeter than wheeling your bike out of the garage for a late summer night cruise. Those freewheeling adventures are great for a few reasons: • The sound of silence. Hello darkness, my old fri … | Continue reading
My mom and I saw a movie the other night. I zoomed up the highway from my downtown apartment and she got a lift through the quiet sidestreets of my hometown. She had a big smile when I got there and was waiting in the lobby wearing lipstick and a cream cable knit sweater. She … | Continue reading
Let’s see here. Saturday we got here. Sunday we did nothing. Then after that we did nothing. The next day we did nothing. And we’re doing nothing now. AWESOME! Photo from: here — Check out my Youtube channel — | Continue reading
I suck at parallel parking. Honestly, just look at me out there: tire-scraping, curb-bumping, seven-point turning in the middle of the busy downtown street. Yes, that’s why I always breathe a massive sigh of relief when someone stops by to lend me a hand: 1. Airport Crew Chief. S … | Continue reading
Peel the pleasure. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Smooth Roller who uses your finger to slowly wheel the sticky icky into a little jelly roll or a Stretch Inspector who grabs a glue corner and yanks it further and further until it eventually snaps. Nope, doesn’t matter at all. Jus … | Continue reading
Every plate has a story. Maybe it’s a cab of college kids on an endless summer road trip. Beef jerky wrappers, stained T-shirts, and a sweaty cooler fill the backseat of the rusty Volvo as they cruise cross country to soak in some sunny freedom before school starts. You see them … | Continue reading
I’m terrible at board games. Look at me: trying to roll doubles to bust outta jail, putting down bill or door on a no-word score, and frantically stabbing my pencil at my scribbly drawing over and over while the hourglass sand drips down. You see, this why I love those rare momen … | Continue reading
It’s the grocery bag of paper towels, the suitcase of socks, or the moving box of mittens. AWESOME! Photo from: here — Check out my podcast 3 Books — | Continue reading
Mmmm, girl. You know it and I know it: that zip-zippery sound of winding anything up is a slow building crescendo of anticipation. You crank the plastic walking toy, spin the garden hose wheel, or twist the egg timer tightly until everything locks and loads. Don’t matter whether … | Continue reading
Jam your elbows in that stomach, breathe in those shampoo fumes, and squeeze your knees into the puffy cushions while spooning into a quick catnap on the couch. As drool drips, skin warms, and a slippery sweatfilm slides between you, just smile, close your eyes, and fade into a q … | Continue reading
What’s your glue movie? For me, I’m completely sucked in anytime I accidentally stumble on A League of Their Own while flipping channels. Yes, watching Tom Hanks and Geena Davis scratch out wins on the ball diamond always hooks me like a fish ’til the credits roll. See, glue movi … | Continue reading
You’re a human pillow. Feel that tiny heart beating on your chest, that strawberry-sized hand gripping your finger, and those baby powder breaths softly whispering in and out… When you were a little baby you fell asleep on people all the time, too. Now that you’re all grown up yo … | Continue reading
Do you play golf? Me, I’ve tried a couple times but it’s always the same: I lace up some stained sneakers, borrow rusty clubs from someone’s basement, and then scrounge around the parking lot for some dented balls for my once-a-decade tee shot. Now, I’ve mentioned my athletic abi … | Continue reading
Get your groove on strong. Yes, lock that door, shutter those blinds, and crank that bumping thumping music, baby. Because it’s time to get down with the get down: • The Microphone. Wooden spoons are ideal but there are good substitutes like toothbrushes, combs, or even a bulky p … | Continue reading
Thanks, universe. Once in a while you send big blinking signs that everything’s unfolding according to plan. Yes, whether it’s a supersmooth drive home, some eerie deja vu, or a perfect time showing up on the clock, you drop buzzy little braintwists that always keep us guessing. … | Continue reading
Dive in. Scoring some sweet and salty rings hidden in your fries is the fast food equivalent to finding a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly you’re an explorer stumbling upon a lost shipwreck way, way down in the darkness. While your friends linger above, you plung … | Continue reading
Put your hand up if you ran from doorbells, hid behind pant legs, and avoided eye contact with grownups as a shy little kid. Brothers and sisters, if your hand is up right now, you are not alone. Yes, mute as a mouse, quiet as a cat, I was a short, snotty, bedhead-smeared ghost o … | Continue reading
I was a bad baby. From the time I was zero minutes old I was wide-eyed, wide-awake, crying and cranky. Bedtime meant nothing and my parents say I’d often stand in my crib staring around the room rattling the bars all night. Sleeplessness stuck as the years rolled on and I’d lie i … | Continue reading