The Cancel Culture of the Nextdoor App Has Forced Me to Resign as Moderator

Bari Weiss recently resigned from her position as an op-ed editor at the NY Times.- - -Dear Neighbors,It is with sadness that I write to tell you... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Welcome to Public School Airlines

Welcome to Public School Airlines!This is your captain speaking. Well, maybe I should say “intern captain” since I’m still completing my flight tr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Help, I Have a Sporty Kid

RECEPTIONIST: Maternity ward, may I help you?CALLER: Yes, I’m calling about my son. He was born at your hospital in 2011, and I was wondering if I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

BUMBLE BEE® Snack On The Run! Tuna Salad with Crackers Kit

My name is Chrissy Hartzell. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. I’m a succe... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Famous TV Shows as Perceived By a Person of Color

Friends A show about six best friends who just happen to be all white because it’s the ’90s.The Andy Griffith ShowA show with equal distribution... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Your Taxes: The Board Game!

Welcome to Your Taxes: The Board Game! — the game you can’t not play. This brand-new 2020 edition is sure to challenge even the most skilled player... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

When I See You Without A Mask

Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Columbia University Medical Center New York, NY- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to My Friend That Fled New York for His Parents’ House

Oh, so you took the virus with you to the suburbs and disseminated it far and wide? Well, let me tell you — I just have ONE question…Do they have ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Mom Hair Through the Ages

- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Emerson Whitney in conversation with Gender Justice LA

Emerson Whitney is author of this year’s transcendent Heaven, a meditation on mothers, self, and trans identity. Them. calls Heaven “the trans memo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Every Question I Asked My Parents While Doing My Taxes

How good would you say I am at lying?Would you still love me if I moved to an off-the-grid commune?How long did you claim me as a dependent?How ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

It’s Time for Spin Class With Deborah, Forgotten Horsewoman of the Apocalypse

Welcome, everyone, to this live 45-minute ‘80s throwbacks spin class! I’m so excited to be joining the SoulCycle family as your newest instructor. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

O, How I Miss the Nightclub!

O, how I miss the nightclub!Her neon sign flickers through the smog: “Chateau Chateau.”Her sweet stench (garbage, sweat) swaddles me like a babe.... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Are Hastily Reopening Disney World in the Middle of a Pandemic with This New Set of Safety Measures

“The world is a different place, but we feel really prepared to operate in this new environment that we’re in,” says Josh D’Amaro — the new chairma... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

This is a Hard Time for Everyone

Social WorkerYale New Haven HealthNew Haven, CT- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Welcome to LobsterClass, the MasterClass Knockoff Operated By Lobsters

[DISCLAIMER: This course is not a lesson in how to eat a lobster (we’re not ignorant, but we’re not morbid, either), or how to become a lobster (to... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Security Questions for Academics Approaching the Fall 2020 Semester

1. What is the middle name of the person who founded your school and thus unwittingly triggered this descent into hell you’re now experiencing?2. ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We at Anthropologie Will Be the Harbingers of Racial Justice

In light of recent events, we here at Anthropologie would like to take a minute and reflect on how our company can do better for our customers and ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Instinct to Help

Editorial FellowNew England Journal of MedicineBoston, MA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of d... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jury Deliberations In a Highly Contentious Murder Trial or Potty Training a Toddler?

1. You’ll be given a set of rules to follow that everyone will promptly ignore.2. No one is allowed to leave the building until a solution has bee... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Short History of the Irish Rampage and Eventual Norse Defeat of Muirchertach “Leathercloaks” Mac Néill for Bostonians, Part 2

Read Part 1- - -Art by Matt Smith- - -So now Muirchertach n’ his guys ahr rampagin’ all ovah fuckin’ Ireland wearin’ their iconic leathahcloaks ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-796

To be read before the 2020 Presidential Election. Register to vote here.- - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalo... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Foolproof Safety Tips for Teachers Returning to the Classroom

With a few basic household items and modified mechanical devices, you’ll be fully prepared for a safe and effective re-entry into in-person classro... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Conversation Between Jose Antonio Vargas and Yosimar Reyes on the DACA Supreme Court Decision

DACA recipient Adrián Escárate hosted a conversation between Jose Antonio Vargas, undocumented journalist, filmmaker, and founder of Define America... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Influencer Wearing an “All Platforms Matter” T-shirt Steadies Her iPhone For a Facebook message to her 3.4M Followers

Chelsey Chelz here. Are you running out of things to watch on Netflix and Amazon Prime during the pandemic? Watch me, Chelsey Chelz, this evening... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Colorblind Rainbow Center for Campus Diversity Seeks a New Director to Tell Us That Nothing Is Wrong

College University is thrilled to announce our search for the Director of the Colorblind Rainbow Center for Campus Diversity (CRCCD). Despite layof... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Quarantine Protest Signs from the Black Death

#ReopenKaffeTheatre Troupes Are Essential!Squires Against LockdownDon’t Believe the Liberal Printing Press!The Black Mongol DeathNo Mandatory ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

COVID Diaries: A Medical Student Coming of Age

Stanford University School of MedicineStanford, CA- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Broken Lives Behind the Illustrative Math Word Problems

1. “Lin and Tyler are drawing circles. Tyler’s circle has twice the diameter of Lin’s circle. Tyler thinks that his circle will have twice the are... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Dispatch 51: Anonymous Celebrity, or the House That “Something Stupid” Built

Met the man who developed the system of international symbols we all know — woman with triangle skirt, straight-armed man, cigarette with “NO” slas... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

My Toddler Emails a Complaint to Customer Service

SUBJECT: Please Help, My Mommy® of Two Years Malfunctioning?ATTN: Customer Service RepresentativeI am writing to you seeking assistance with a p... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

This Has Been Happening Forever, But Never So Close to Me

My name is Amaya Ibañez-Brown, I am 12 years old and live in South Minneapolis. On Tuesday morning, May 26, I heard about the terrible murder of Ge... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Do Not Choose to Write My 902-Page Fantasy Ninja Thriller — I Am Compelled To

It has never been a choice for me. Just a feeling I get. It starts with a kind of rumbling, almost like an earthquake from the dark pit of my stoma... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Knotted Ribbon

- - -Shortly after my husband and I moved to Charlotte from Chicago, I made a trip back to Illinois to help my dad go through my mom’s things. In ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Discipline-Specific Guidelines for Classroom Social Distancing

Dear Faculty,We realize that it may be difficult to grasp how social distancing will work in college classrooms this fall. To better aid you in pr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Signs You’re a Black Character Written By a White Author

Your skin is like a chocolate latte with swirls of caramel drops.Sometimes you say, “Oh word?” even when no one is speaking.The other characters ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Dog Whisperer of the ICU

Duke University Medical CenterDurham, NC- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices of doctors, nurses, h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

So, You Want to Direct a Community Theater Musical Production

Congratulations! Your MFA in directing is about to be put to good use, effectively proving your father wrong about your job prospects. Your firm gr... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Fourth of July: Myth vs. Fact

MYTH: Fireworks are an all-American pastime.FACT: Fireworks were invented in China, but America was the first country to discover their use for t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Apologize That Instead of July Fourth Bunting, We Accidentally Shipped You a Box Full of Snakes

As America’s seventh-ranked patriotic bunting company, we’re proud to fulfill all of your Fourth of July decorating needs this year. Also, due to a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Of Plague and Plenty

Medical Director La Familia Medical CenterSanta Fe, New Mexico- - -This is part of our series, Flattened By the Curve, which features the voices... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

It’s Time to Sign the Declaration of Independence, and I, Elbridge Gerry, Will Have the Biggest Signature of All

This is it. July 4th, 1776. You’ve waited a long time for this, Elbridge, my boy. All those hot days and boring debates were worth it just for this... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Best Thing About Each Amendment in the Bill of Rights, in Haiku

1.Leaving a voicemailOn your Senator’s phone lineCalling him “spineless”2.How would we settleOur disputes if it weren’t forDuel by combat?3... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Kink-Shaming and a Cover-Up: Benjamin Franklin and the Story of the US Standard Measurement System

Our story takes us back to the founding of the United States, when it was nothing more than a newborn nation without a proper system of measurement... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Wake Up Call

I’m a digital video producer for a news organization, and after a long week of covering news centered around protests and scrolling through my own ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Have Heard Your Complaints About Police Brutality and We Are Solving the Problem By Inserting a CGI Black Character Into Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Demonstrations against police brutality and systemic racism over the past month have made clear that change is necessary. But I’ve been wondering: ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Shouldn’t Presume That the Velociraptor Experts Know the Best Way to Deal With Velociraptor Attacks

“Sen. Rand Paul aggressively questioned the guidance of federal health experts at a Senate committee hearing Tuesday, including Dr. Anthony Fauci,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Canadian Proverbs

If at first you don’t succeed, try again in French.The journey of a thousand kilometres begins with a single step.The best things in life are fre... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago