Carlos Santana’s “Smooth,” Featuring Rob Thomas and Charles Bukowski

It was a hot afternoon. The sun seemed seven inches away. My apartment was acrid and smelled like piss. I lurched over to the other room and found ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Geometric Hall of Shame

Before they are released into the world to terrorize ninth graders, shapes must pass a rigorous examination and trial period under the prestigious ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Variations of the “Marco Polo” Pool Game Based on Other Explorers

Leif ErikssonThe person with his eyes closed wears a gigantic horned helmet. He’s easily able to find the other swimmers because they won’t stop c... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Will Buying These Expensive Pants Change My Life?

Things haven’t exactly been going great for me right now. I’ve hit the age where, when you tell people you’re single, they no longer exclaim, “Let ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Anonymous Letter Defending Alec Baldwin’s Defense of Andrew Cuomo That Was Definitely Not Written by Alec Baldwin

“Alec Baldwin described New York governor Andrew Cuomo’s shock resignation on Tuesday as ‘tragic’ and appeared to suggest that so-called ‘cancel cu... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Oedipus Learns of the Term “Oedipus Complex”

Wow. A guy accidentally murders his father and has sex with his mother a few hundred times, and all of a sudden he’s got a “complex.” Super cool, t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m Resigning Because the Response to My Box of Scorpions Has Become a Distraction

A week after the state attorney general found he sexually harassed multiple women, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo said in his resignation speech that h... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

As a Body-Positive Swimsuit Brand, We Refuse to Retouch Our Already Flawless Models

At True2U, we believe all bodies are beach bodies. Our company stands for female empowerment. We want our customers to feel confident in their own ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Hi, I Am a Woman Who Relishes in My Resolve to Contribute to Declining Birthrates

When I was a little girl my dream was to populate the Earth. While the Earth did seem to already have a population, I wished to fill my country, th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Studio Notes on the UN Climate Report

Okay, first off, we LOVE the new report. It’s big, it’s bold, it’s scary. Really going to freak people out. Bravo. It’s practically perfect—we just... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Why Yes, I Did Grow a Hawk Beak During the Pandemic

Do you like it? It’s been so long since we’ve all seen each other in the school pickup line without our masks! Renee, your Invisalign came out grea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Excerpts from The 48 Laws of Power…for Cats

You may have seen The 48 Laws of Power on your human housemate’s bedside table and wondered whether you could pick up any tricks. Alas, it was writ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Actually, Compared with Earth, Hell’s Climate Policies Are Super Progressive

“We are turning our only home into an uninhabitable hell for millions of people.” —United Nations“Record-setting heat wave shows that climate chan... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

FAQ for Rushing Delta Delta Variant

Have you herd?! It’s almost time for fall sorority and fraternity recruitment, cuties! If you’re rushing Delta Delta Variant this year, below you’l... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Hello, Society: I’m a Woman and I Want to Warn You That I Might Have Aged This Past Year

Long time no see, Society. Listen, I’ve spent more money on skincare products in the past year than in any other period in my entire life. Why? Wel... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Will Do Anything to Get You to Work for Us Except Pay You Enough

Please come work for us. We’ll do anything. We’ll give you free parking. We’ll give you 10 percent off in-store purchases. We’ll give you company s... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am a QR Code and I Am Here to Stay

Like many innovations, I was at first misunderstood. Some called me ugly. Advertising executives laughed in my face. The bullying hurt, but I had a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Van Holten’s Pickle-Ice Flavored Freeze Pop

Pickle-Ice Flavored Freeze Pops are, horrifyingly, exactly what they sound like. Van Holten’s—a company known for making the sloshy, individually p... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Appreciate When Men Interrupt Me Even If I’m Trying to Tell Them There’s a Fire

As a woman working in corporate America, I used to hate when men would interrupt me. But as I’ve progressed in my career, my mouth has shut and my ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Jesus Needs His Own Cinematic Universe

In a room hidden behind a bookcase are a fireman’s pole and enough foosball tables to conjure enough writerly thoughts for several stars to be born... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I Am a Female Character in a Fantasy Movie, and It Is Integral to the Plot That I Be Topless

Well done, traveler: you’ve found me. Whether by siege, quest, prophecy, or a series of flashbacks juxtaposed with low-angle shots of a sad tree, I... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to My Thirty-Plus-Year-Old Ovaries

Dear Ovaries,It’s been a swell thirty-some years carting you gals around. I don’t have many complaints, but I do have one suggestion: I’d love for... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Dean of Students Clarifies the University’s COVID Guidelines for the Upcoming Semester

Hello students!With the deadline to submit proof of your COVID vaccine just around the corner, we would like to update you with some exciting news... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

We Apologize for Claiming Critical Race Theory Will Make Your Children Sacrifice Their Classmates to Satan

Dear readers,Here at the The True America Institute, we hold ourselves to the highest standards of accuracy and integrity in our communications. T... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

A Retelling of Snow White in Which It’s Clear That the Mirror Meant “Fair” as in “Very Pale”

Once upon a time, there was a queen who was known as a “wicked stepmother,” although she was actually just misunderstood. It wasn’t easy ruling ful... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

As an Indigenous Person, Here Are Some Land Acknowledgments I Hope Never Happen


Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for a Luxury Condominium Building in Palo AltoThank you for gathering here at the site of a what will be a state-of-the-a... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

With God as My Witness I Will Not Pick the Restaurant

A: Where should we eat?B: I’m happy to go anywhere!A: Me too. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. At all.B: Same. Any restaurant you have in min... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

How to Escape from a Sleeping Baby

So, you’ve finally managed to rock your baby to sleep. This is a feat all on its own — you should be proud. But now you’d like to spend the next ho... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Are You Allowed to Criticize Simone Biles?: A Decision Tree

"Following superstar gymnast Simone Biles citing concerns of mental health after shockingly pulling out of the women’s team competition, a number o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

More Development Would Ruin Our Neighborhood’s Character and That Character is Systemic Racism

When I heard our town was considering legalizing (gulp) duplex apartments to allow more housing, I was devastated. I’m not against people having ho... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

James Caan: A Guided Sleep Meditation

So, I hear youse can’t sleep. You been tryin’ and tryin’, but the Sandman, that lil’ prick, he ain’t comin’. Who knows why? That’s neither here nor... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Beaver of Fine Arts: Art of the Ages… and the Aging

Beaver of Fine Arts: Art of the Ages... and the Aging | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Do You Have a Toddler or Is Your House Haunted by the Ghost of the Widow of an 1800s Sea Captain?

Shoes you placed neatly on the shoe rack in the front hall mysteriously appear in the bathtub, stuffed in the soil of a potted plant, or in the dra... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

I’m the Guy Who Wears Jeans in the Summer, and You’ll Never Get Me to Admit That I’m Burning Up

Boy, this sure is some heatwave we’re having, huh? Not that it bothers me one bit, as you can tell by the fact that I’m dressed like James Dean in ... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

You Think Delta Airlines and Corona Beer Have It Bad? My Laundromat Is Named “Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease”

I cannot believe it, but this pandemic might end up affecting my small business, and all just because it’s named Horrible Debilitating Murder Disea... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Worst They Can Say Is No

Just ask for a raise! What’s the worst that can happen? They say no? And your already fragile self-esteem is irreparably damaged? It’s really not t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Summer in New York in an Increasingly Hot Climate Is Not a Good Enough Reason to Bare Your Shoulders in Public

“Bras in the parks, skivvies on Fifth Avenue: Is this the logical endpoint of increasingly blurred distinctions between public and private?” — New... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Six Ways You Have Utterly Failed Your Child, According to a Pediatric Dentist

1. “These molar cavities have grown since your child’s last visit. She will need several root canals, and I hate to say it, but it’s probably all y... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

An Open Letter to the #OWNVOICES Movement

Dear the #OwnVoices movement,I feel like it’s only proper that I start by thanking you for all you have done for a few of my people. You encourage... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Apologies Women Need to Make (Sorry, It’s True!)

Sorry, I have a question.Sorry, what? No, I’m not pregnant. When do I want kids? Uh… I don’t know. I’m twenty-nine. Great questions, though! All r... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The European Men’s Beach Volleyball Disciplinary Commission Defends Its Banana Hammock Rule

“Norwegian women’s beach handball team [has been] fined for not playing in bikinis. While male players are allowed to play in tank tops and shorts,... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Dunkin’s Smoked Vanilla Iced Latte

Dunkin’s latest summer offering, their new Smoked Vanilla Iced Latte, is the perfect, refreshing antidote to a sweltering summer day, especially as... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Baby Shoes, Never Won: The Twenty-Episode Podcast

Ernest Hemingway’s six-word story “For sale: baby shoes, never worn” is often regarded as the shortest story in the English language. Now it’s fina... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Ernest Hemingway: Superspreader

Mary did not wish me to visit Scott in his final days but that did not stop me nor did the fear. For the first time in my life I embraced another m... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Susan Choi on Donald Barthelme

On the surface, the work of Susan Choi doesn’t have much in common with that of Donald Barthelme. Choi is known almost exclusively as a novelist (t... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Ernest Hemingway’s “The Killers,” Featuring The Killers

The doors to The Dine-N-Belt Diner opened and two rough fellows strode through. The two men swept derby hats from their heads and found seats at th... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

Our System Here at the Ministry of Magic Is Alive and Well

“It turns out capitalism is alive and very well… We’re making serious progress to ensure that it works the way it’s supposed to work for the good o... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago

The Lost Episodes of I Love Lucy

“Lucy and the Italian Neo-Realists”While reading from James M. Cain’s The Postman Always Rings Twice at the top of the Spanish Steps to Lucy, Fred... | Continue reading


@mcsweeneys.net | 3 years ago